Review (Yellow Bubbles Land)
Accidentally Laughing
Title: Accidentally Laughing
Author: Sherry
Story URL: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/49985
Reviewer: Chaos
Title: (4/5):
The title didn’t really say much about the whole story, but it does give a slight hint on how the story will flow. The title really makes readers curious and with your plot, it actually produces an element of surprise in which really caught me off guard at the end of the story.
Foreword (7/10):
The foreword doesn’t really match the story. In the foreword you wrote that “Her life is full of ups and downs”. That sentence doesn’t makes sense in the story since you describe Remika as a person whose purpose in life is to study and obtained good results. Such a dull life can’t be a life filled with many problems. Your foreword is not that bad so don’t worry much about it but there are some points that you should take note, for example Hikaru’s role in the story. He may appear in the description as a character but in the actual story, he doesn’t have a solid role as a step-brother. He good side is that you did provide a clear description about the story.
Posters: (5/5):
A FULL SCORE!!! I really love your poster as it manages to blend all the 3 characters nicely (colour wise). Furthermore, the quote at the bottom of the poser really fit the poster and the story title very well, and of course it did catch my eye.
Originality: (8/10):
Your story is really unlike others, it blends a little bit of supernatural phenomena in real life situation. Somehow in the beginning of the story, I can pretty much guessed how Remika’s story line will be, a dull boring girl who cares about nothing in this world until this guy comes along. The best part is that how you manage to twist the ending whereby Yuri will eventually passed on and Remika will eventually get her long lost memories back.
Flow: (8/15):
It was a nice flow especially when you blend in the past with the present (on how Remika’s early life manages to affect how she is at the current time). Somehow the story left me puzzled is it possible to show no motion at such a young age? Normally, a child would cry when they are young due to the inability to talk. Therefore instead of writing “There’s no time for motion. I’ve never cried in my life” you can replace it with “I’ve shut down my emotion ever since I was young because I see no point in showing them”. Never is a very strong word to be used in the sentence especially to a situation like this. Then at a later part of the story, you wrote that “It’s been years since I fully released myself from my body” this indicates she shuts off her emotion at one point in her life. It’s somewhat confusing. The next part of the story whereby the scenario of the kidnapping left me confused. You never really explained why was Remika kidnapped and what’s the purpose? It wasn’t stated very clearly and the sudden appearance of Yuri. It left me in a state of confusion on why would they want to kidnap her in the first place then took something out of her to let her regain her memories and not to mention how did she lose her memories?
Plot(Exposition, and Falling Action)(8/15):
The plot really had a twist in the end. It actually surprised me that Yuri was doomed to be dead and how his final words held really deep meaning to it. Your story have a unique element that most writers rarely have them that is the element of surprise, it is when one will assume of the ending would be but you manage to twist the ending that it really caught me off guard. But your main flaw is your ; it was really complicated and confusing.
EXPOSITION (4/5):
The exposition of the story is really unique, especially the way you describe each character in the story and their past. It is somehow light and entertaining but there was nothing really special to it.
(1/5):
Your is really confusing especially when Remika was kidnapped. It wasn’t explained properly and after reading that part for countless times, I still can’t get it. Especially what was taken away from her? What has the thing that the kidnaper wants got to do with Yuri? Who are the kidnapers? I suggest you should explain it in more detail to other readers.
FALLING ACTION (3/5):
The falling action was really sweet especially when you relate it with the past. I was hoping that some questions would be answered from the and what happen to Hikaru? Why isn’t he stated in the ending since you did show in your description that he is one of the characters who plays an important role?
Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary: (13/20):
A wide range of vocabulary was displayed in the story. I love it how you use metaphor in the story, comparing the raindrops to Yuri’s characteristics and the dandelions to describe a dancer. There was slight spelling error here and there, maybe due to the fact that I am using British English instead of the American English. Grammatically it was okay but you somehow manage to miss out some words. For example after Yuri’s death, you wrote “I happened to befriended from birth, do everything together” it should be written as “I happen to befriend him since birth thus we do almost everything together” (I’ve made the mistakes and the correction stood out so that you can see the difference). Out of the 3 categories, I think that you should read more books in order to brush up your grammar.
Characterization: (5/10):
The character Yaotome Hikaru really left me wonder why did you place him as one of the main characters/main supporting role in the story. His character didn’t really leave much impact in the story besides being Remika’s step-brother. I think it’s not necessary to include him in the description. As for Yuri’s character, I love it how he is so cheerful in nature and it somehow release a positive aura in the story in which no one could have guessed he died in the end. As for the kidnappers, I have no idea who they are and what are they supposed to do besides kidnapping Remika and taking something out of her which causes her to regain her memories and how does the kidnapers know about Remika’s past. Maybe you should elaborate more on them. Lastly, for Rumika’s character, I love it how she is so predictable in her action and in the end you twist the ending of the story which surprised me. In the end, I like the way you put in a sense of morality in the story not to mention the way you blend in her character and the way she express her emotion a way which somehow has a little age on the Victorian era style of writing.
Writing Style (8/10):
I really love your writing style, it’s not complicated when you start reading it at first and it has a light feeling to it. Somehow when you reach the of the story where Rumika was kidnapped, it suddenly becomes complicated and hard to understand even after I've read it for countless times over and over again. I really must say this but the ending was really nice and I love it.
Total result: 66/100
Grade: B ©Chaos
Additional notes:
I really enjoyed reading the story and you need to go through the as I have no clue what just happened, put yourself in the readers’ shoes so that you can explain in detail. I suggest read more story books, especially the area so that you have a clue or a backbone to relate your too. So GAMBATEH!!!!!!
Thanks to Yellow bubbles land for the review! :)
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