Review (Mirror of Perfection)
Accidentally Laughing
Title: Accidentally Laughing
Author/Name: Sherry
Reviewer: bakakkoi1701
Title/Poster/Background/Colour: 6/10
The title is like an action. The readers are able to predict what might happen although they won’t know the reason.
You don’t have a proper poster for this one-shot. But you do have pictures of the characters which is good for the readers to visualise them. The genres for your one-shot are romance and tragedy. It would have been better if your pictures depicted hints of tragedy. However, the smiles on the characters’ faces showed what your title meant although they were smiling, not laughing, which add points for you. Remika is the main character. You should have arranged for her picture to be at the topmost, followed by Chinen Yuri and Yaotome Hikaru in accordance to the length of their appearance and their roles in the one-shot.
Forewords: 5/10
You have a description that tells the readers what your one-shot is going to be about. At the same time, it doesn’t reveal too much, which is good.
‘Just like playing hide and seek… no matter where it hides or even if you can’t see it, it must be waiting at some place for me.’
In this sentence, you were referring to another party as you used ‘you’. But you used ‘me’ at the end, which made this sentence a little confusing. It is best if you stuck to one reference only. For example, ‘Just like playing hide and seek. No matter where it hides or even if you can’t see it, it must be waiting at some place for you.’
In your Forewords, when you wrote ‘Chinen Yuri's the only one who actually talks to her, who is he really?’, it can be seen that Chinen Yuri is someone who has a secret. However, it does not really show as all you’ve written is that he talks to Remika. You should have added another sentence or two about him to enhance his mysteriousness.
Grammar/Vocabulary: 10/15
Your one-shot alternates between past tense and present tense. It would be better if you just chose either one. Your spelling is quite good, except for some words which you might have overlooked or mistyped. Your use of punctuations is not bad too. They were used correctly. But there were some sentences that you combined with punctuations when they are supposed to be separate.
There are also times when you missed out a word or two. For example, ‘Two weeks, Yuri’s gotten paler.’ Here, the words ‘two weeks’ only indicates the length of time. You should have added a word to show that the two weeks had passed such as ‘Within’. So, the correct sentence would be, ‘Within two weeks, Yuri’s gotten paler.’.
If you were not explaining about Chinen Yuri, then you could use ‘After’, as ‘Within’ mostly tells about the event that occurs around the person you were explaining about.
Your starting of paragraphs is inconsistent. Either you start all your paragraphs from the side or normally with a few spaces before your first word.
Originality: 12/15
This is an original one-shot. I have never read one like this. But a story on the male lead being the only one who talks to the female lead is something that has been seen before. Other than that, it is a thumbs-up on originality. The male lead dies, which is quite a common happening. But the reason behind his death is something unexpected.
Story Flow: 8/15
The beginning of the one-shot flowed quite well at a good pace. Reaching the point where the female lead suddenly had a change of character, it was abrupt and leaves readers wondering how one can change that quickly. Her sudden reactions are in contrast with her introduced personality. No one can just change from being quiet to one who laughs heartily within a few seconds and yet not feel embarrassed in the least by it.
The female lead’s past with the male lead is also quite a blur as you described it shortly only. It is a little difficult to understand her feelings. Allowing the female lead to have a flashback would help.
There are parts of the one-shot where you wrote continuously although they should be separated. You can use some signs to point out that the following part is a new one and not continuous, such as,
‘“Live on. Live on forever.” He kissed my forehead one last time before turning totally invisible.
It’s been exactly one year since the death of Chinen Yuri. He was never mentioned in class ever again, it’s like he never existed, which is partly true…..’
It is more obvious if you did it like this.
‘“Live on. Live on forever.” He kissed my forehead one last time before turning totally invisible.
+++++
It’s been exactly one year since the death of Chinen Yuri. He was never mentioned in class ever again. It’s like he never existed, which is partly true…..’
You can use any sign as part separator so that the readers can understand better.
Plot: 10/15
You revealed Chinen Yuri’s real identity only towards the end. This keeps readers in suspense from wanting to know who the real him is. However, as his character of mystery is not emphasised, readers tend to forget about it and read on as if he were just a normal character. I think your main point of the one-shot is to show the relation between the two main leads. It can be seen but the interaction is not quite there yet.
You managed to lay out the plan step by step from how she changed.
Characters: 5/10
Chinen Yuri’s character is not really explained well through the one-shot. The Chinen Yuri you wrote does not explain much despite what you wrote in your Forewords about him being a mystery.
Remika’s character undergoes an abrupt change as I have explained earlier. It does not match with the pace of your one-shot.
Yaotome Hikaru is just a minor character but you brought him in properly into the one-shot.
Kazune’s appearance in the one-shot was not explained. Readers cannot understand what his relation with any of the main characters is or how he knows things that others don’t.
Enjoyment: 4/5
I get confused at parts due to the lack of explanations when they are needed. But I am able to sympathise with Remika on her lost. The beginning of the one-shot is written well. What’s more, I’m a fan of Hey! Say! JUMP.
Bonus: 5/5
This is my first time reviewing. I hope I didn’t hurt your feelings or anything. I mixed up some parts in the review as it would be clearer to understand. Thanks for choosing our site to apply. =)
Total: 65/100
Good luck in writing in the future. I hope this review helped you, even if it’s just a little.
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You can say 65's my lucky number! ^^
I get it a lot in math tests(I at MATH)
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