i actually want to say thank you

(and don’t you know, that your eyes tell me everything? // myungsoo / sunggyu, model!AU, inspired by this. )

he wakes up, it’s seven am (he should actually sleep), and traces his cheeks. still wet, still smudgy. no, he shouldn’t sleep with eyeliners. no, unhealthy, no, ugly. he goes up, sees himself into the mirror (uglyuglyugly), and applies makeup wherever there is a need to do so.

the tears seem to be gone, almost.

“I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine,” he tells himself. his reflection believes this, almost.

he is still a child, people know this, people cherish it. he is still young, they can do whatever they want with his body. weird positions? done. any kind of looks, ranging from jerk to perfect boyfriend? no problem. any kind of smiles?

fine.

one, two, three, the camera captures everything. he hates this sound, he hates the beaming spotlights on him, but what can he do? he’s still a child. he isn’t allowed to say a thing. he should just shut up, do what the adults say, and satisfy them in any way.

that’s why people take him – he is still a child.

(model business is so cruel.)

“I don’t have any expectations,” the director says to him, and means it positively.

he understands it differently.

not good enough.

why is he here in the first place? faces can be replaced, bodies can be replaced,  poses can be replaced.

(personalities can’t.)

he nods, as if he has understood it correctly (he hasn’t)

the guy next to him looks at him, small hamster eyes follow him during the photoshoot, and he swears that those eyes are the most precious eyes he has seen. not because they’re big (they aren’t), but because they’re so beautiful when he smiles, when he watches with a crinkly smile.

it’s more beautiful than his smiles ever will be.

“how are you?” he whispers and imagines the younger boy next to him. of course there isn’t a reply, of course there isn’t. but he can tell that there is something, something wrong with him. his smiles aren’t genuine, they seem like a pain for his face muscles, disobeying against gravity. he dislikes it, because the boy would surely look beautiful when he would really, genuinely, smile. but he doesn’t.

model business is surely hard.

he likes to lie.

he lies to everybody – he lies to the cameras, saying that he is flawless when he isn’t. he lies to his parents, saying on the phone that he is extremely happy with this kind of job, when he isn’t. he lies to himself, saying that he is fine when his soul is crushed, shattered, broken.

he probably lies to this guy next to the monitor, too, because he lies to everybody.

(but he doesn’t want to lie to those small eyes – not to them.)

he goes to his bed, straight, thinks about the words again the director had said to him, I don’t have any expectations in you, and he cries. he hates himself for being so fragile. but there is no other option.

at nights, when there is nobody, he cries. cries because he misses his parents. cries because he wants to meet his best friend again.

cries because he doesn’t deserve the beautiful small eyes looking at him.

he sleeps in that condition again.

(he will be so ugly when he wakes up.)

“myungsoo,” the eyes call him. the cameras halt, there is no more clicking, the spotlights go off, and it’s the end of a day, he sees.

(his sunrise is the activation of spotlights, his sunset the deactivation.)

“yes?” he asks.

“myungsoo-yah, are you alright?”

“I am,” he lies. (he always tells lies. but he doesn’t want to. not to him.)

“you can tell me everything.”

“but I am alright,” he insists.

he hugs him, suddenly, and it’s so warm, so beautiful, so tender, that the child bursts out in tears, leave a smudged trail of small black rivers behind, and he sobs, and it’s fine, because it’s just them.

“you’re young, but do a lot for the eyes,” he says, and it sounds cruel, but it’s actually meant warmly. (model business surely leave traces behind.) “thank you for everything, “ he adds.

myungsoo cries, cries his heart out, his everything, and he tells the guy everything, why he has become a model (going onto shopping sprees with such a face is an obstacle), why he lies to everybody (they shouldn’t be as sad as I am), how much he misses playing like every other boy, how much he hates the praise he receives. the guy nods, tells him that his name is sunggyu, and he smiles.

the following days, the words hello, how are you are so encouraging to myungsoo. because they’re from sunggyu.

a/n: so I read the translations on screen and at first, I wanted to make this to a MyungYeol. But then, I realized that Myunggyu would fit so much better in this, that’s why Myunggyu. Them with their unusual way of cuddling and neverending support for each other.

the lesson you should learn from this: even when you think sunshine is far away, it’s omnipresent, even within the clouds that hide it.