I can’t remember my parents.

Not even a single glint

They rescued me out of a burning house when I was just 1.

No one else got rescued.

***

I was sent to live with my only alive relative, my grandfather.

Even though it’s kind of blurry in my head now, But I remember his warm eyes, His safe hug, His strong arms that wrapped around me and made my mind free from any other though.

I remember that we were kinda wealthy, He was retired, But he wasn’t the kind of guy who stays at house, So He moved out of Seoul, to some small town in the vicinity of Seoul, And had a small farm for himself.

It was not a big farm like what we see in the movies, it mostly looked like a mini farm, a miniature one.

He was happy working there. He had no financial worries, so he had all the fun in the world there with his fruit trees and flowers and plants…

… and me.

I hope to think he was happy with me, as much as I was happy with him. I loved him so much nothing could compare to that.

He was My father, My mother, My everything.

At the age of four the entire town said I inherited everything from my grandpa.

From my looks with big round eyes and plump lips, to our secretive personality.

And the fact that we both hated fire.

The fire that took away his son and daughter in law from him, the fire that took away my parent from me.

I was raised just like grandpa.

He loved to tell me stories, He tried his best to make me be a good man, and he showered me with his love.

Of course it was impossible for me to not to love him.

I can barely remember what he looked like now, But I totally remember that he was a skinny but strong old man, With wide shoulders; I remember that part specially well, since he used to piggy back me on those shoulder and walk around the little farm as fast as he could and The endless happiness I felt when we both laughed our heart out.

I still have one of our pictures, the only one I could find.

Sadly.

But happiness is not always with me.

Just like how fire is always hunting me.

I was just 6 when I lost the person who had the most impact on me.

And again, it was fire.

It was fire that took him away from me.

No one knows what happened to lead to this, but one moment we were happily chatting and working in the mini farm, and the next minute everywhere was just on fire.

Fire surrounded us.

We didn’t know how it did happen.

I can remember I was so scared and my grandpa just holds me safe in his arms.

I remember I couldn’t stop crying.

I remember him tightening his arms around me and telling me everything is going to be fine and we will be safe.

That he never leaves me alone in this cruel world.

It was the first and the last lie he told me.

Fire fighters got to the place too late.

The managed to extinction the fire at last.

But they couldn’t save my grandpa.

He inhaled do much smoke which made his lungs to shut down.

They took us to the hospital, and my grandpa managed to live between the two worlds for a few days…

But in the end, God decided to take him away from me too.

I couldn’t even say goodbye to him.

They didn’t let me to hold a decent funeral for him.

They said I’m just a kid and should not interference in adult’s works.

They just send me away.

***

The orphanage they sent me was not anything like we see in the movies or read in books.

They were kind, and caring, and all of that.

But there was something they couldn’t give us.

A relative’s love. To love you the way someone with your own blood can do.

I watched how other kids were happy.

I watched the new kids who came to this place so grumpy, they cried and yelled and wanted to be back, wanted to be with their parents.

It may take mostly one month on top to be like that.

And after that, they forgot, or in another word, dealt with the fact that they are not going back to the place they knew as their home.

I wasn’t an idiot.

I knew I was an orphan now.

I was aware of the fact that my grandpa and my parents were dead and they won’t be back.

But…

But I couldn’t bring myself to be happy.

I was in sorrow.

Losing my parents was so hard, but I was a baby back then, I couldn’t remember them clearly, it was not hard to get over that fact.

Losing my grandpa was a whole different case.

Grandpa was the person who I lived for.

I knew my grandpa didn’t want me dead.

So I tried to get over it.

But I couldn’t.

I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t talk, and I couldn’t even sleep.

The nightmares hunted me every single night.

Nightmares full of fire, Flames that took my grandpa away.

People in the orphanage tried so hard to calm me, to make me back to normal.

But I was more shattered to be repaired again.

And I had a trauma of fire.

Even a single flame of a match scared the hell out of me.

Everything scared me.

I even couldn’t bring myself to like something.

Or someone.

The thought of losing it one day scared me so much that I could rather not to even like it in the first place.

***

It was all like this till I met my very first friend.

Yes, the first.

I didn’t have any friends when I was with grandpa, I had him and he was enough for me.

I didn’t the feel the need of having friends.

And when I came to the orphanage, I was scared to have any friends.

The fear of losing them someday made me to isolate myself from the world.

And as I knew later, the kids in the orphanage were so nice. They tried to talk to me, to be friends with me but when they saw I was not interested, they just leave me alone.

And that was what I really wanted and I was thankful to them.

But after about one year living in the peaceful environment of the orphanage, I had to leave it every day to start a new part of my life.

I had to start elementary school.

And in the school, I still didn’t talk.

Thankfully, the principal of the school was aware of my situation and told my teachers about me, they didn’t bother me with useless questions. They understood the fact that I couldn’t talk and tried to be kind to me.

The kids were another case.

They took my inattention and silence as something a lot differently.

They thought I thing too high on myself for not answering their questions or normal greetings.

They didn’t know I can’t answer them even if I want to.

The loneliness was starting to disturb me, but I didn’t know how to break the block me myself put around me.

So the bullying started.

They made my life worst that it already was.

Its weird how sometimes the supposed to be kind and innocent children are this cruel.

My school life was hell in its first 5-6 months.

Bullying every day, Insult every day, And the fact that I was an orphan with no guardian gave them more freedom in whatever they did.

After all, I had no parents or guardian to go complain the principal about their behavior toward me.

And my other orphanage kids who came to the same school as me tried to ignore it. Everyone knew one step to save me and this will be the end of you.

They were scared and I didn’t blame them. At all.

It was not like I ever show any emotions to any of them so why would they care?

The fact that they were not the ones who bullied me was enough.

I was thankful to that.

But all of this made me to become even more self-composed.

Not only I was scared of the outside world, I hated it too.

That was when some new kid came to the orphanage.

A little boy around my age, to be exact, just a few days apart.

The boy who was soon going to be my classmate.

The boy who had an impact on my life that I never thought he would.

So, Who is the boy? Any guess?

Actually it was suppoesed to be longer than this, But I have to go to work now and I could write it till here, Wait for the second part and hope you like it.

Ps. It's my birthday today!!!!!

Happy birthday to me!!!