Him

I sat alone in the darkness with nothing but this piano piece called Course of Love keeping me company and the fan’s mellow revolving in the background. My fingers silently pushed your nonexistent piano with eyes closed as the music played repeatedly.

Traces of passing cars could be heard from below with their distinct sounds. They were teasing me to recall those endless summer nights where we would go driving around the city at one in the morning until our lids became too heavy to go on driving. We would park somewhere and take a quick nap of ten to fifteen minutes— but sometimes we would find ourselves extending until the sun was up for you would be sleeping too deep and I would be too lazy to wake you up. Those crazy midnights until morning where Snow Patrol’s Chasing Cars would endlessly go blasting in my car stereo for it was the only decent song we have on the playlist.

“You are not the best person to be my friend right now…”

That was what I said when we last talked— argued or whatever you would want to call it. I remembered well since I actually memorized it and was so planning to say it for so many occasions but it would always get tangled in my tongue. Only that moment I was able to say it out loud.

But I miss you. I miss you now. I miss the way you would go bugging me endlessly over things that I don’t really want to discuss, to eat, to listen to, to watch— things that were really not my thing but yours alone.

But still I would find myself devouring all those food for you since you never wanted to eat alone or consume those gallons of ice creams together until your stomach would hurt so bad because you are lactose intolerant in the first place but would insist eating ice cream for you know how much I love it. And I had to finish everything, and when I say everything it was definitely everything since you said it’s bad to keep food in the fridge for too long.

But still I would find myself sitting there beside you with your head on my shoulder listening to those songs you love to repeat with your eyes closed and fingers drumming carelessly on my lap.

But still I would watch those sappy movies that you would watch over and over again while you rest your head on my lap and I would even need to let you blow your nose on my shirttail since you wouldn’t want to let me get up and get you a box of tissue.

You , you know? Big time— you big time. But I more for having this queasy feeling for you knowing that I am nobody but your tag-team. And tag-teams don’t date each other right? Cause it was just going to ruin our approach to life. I don’t know what part of the Freudian Theory you got that from. What I do know is that it was your way to setting this big fence between us. I am inside your heart but there you built another wall and kept me out.

But I was the only one to blame when I decided that I don’t want to be your Oppa. The big brother you never had. When I decided that it was time to be who I should be in your life. To claim back my place that I put off just because you wanted a brother-friend when we started out as more than friends.

You got scared, you said, when we first met and we both had that mutual feeling. But we agreed to be more than lovers, we became tag-team— a stupid tag-team hidden underneath the name ‘friends’. You were scared that in the end we would be like those people around us separated because they decided to head-on collide with love.

Now, as I sit here, I wonder— like the million times I wondered how life would have been without you. How serene, how calm it would be not to have someone confusing me and my heart. How would it be not knowing you existed. How would it be living this life of normalcy.

But then again, like those million times, I wondered how it would be living my next lifetime with you beside me. Being the way we are, the way we are is volatile. I would never trade anything for ‘the way we are’. But I am asking for more… begging for more… greedy for more because I deserve it the way you do.

But right now, I need to take this distance and space without you for all the cliché of those reasons.

To save myself from drowning into your presence.

To save myself for being too selfish of wanting you more than you want me.

Now, I hide here all alone with only my pain and thoughts that won’t keep me still. I love you. I was willing to say that repeatedly every time my heart beats but I decided not to anymore. Here in my silence is the only place I will say it over and over again.

Our story has ended when it should have started.

Her

I know love. I had learned what it was before you came. I got hurt repeatedly before realizing that it was something hard to keep. You were there in a dark alley when this boy broke my heart and left me crying. You stopped and patted my head. That was all; but it started there.

Another week had passed before I saw you again holding a girl’s hand and making her laugh shyly. I smirked knowing that it was another way guys get girls that they like then break their hearts if they get bored hanging out with them. You looked at me with a smile when we passed each other but I ignored you.

I never liked guys like you.

It was as if fate had finally stepped in when it realized that neither of us would do something about our impending life together. My parents asked yours if I could ride with you to and from school every day. We became friends. We were clear with each others’ feelings—we wouldn’t be more than what we were.

Until we became each others’ habits.

I loved you from the start but we didn’t want to complicate things and so we became friends—more like shadows. People thought that we were a couple but I just laughed it off thinking you would do the same but I could tell how much it annoyed you.

You wanted me too… from the very start.

I was scared because I don’t want us to come to that point where it would all end—like everything else that ended. I don’t want that to happen to us because I want to keep you here near me forever. Love would complicate things. I told you that repeatedly but all I had was fear… fear of not having you here.

You went along with what I wanted. It was better, right? I would ask you most of the time but you would just walk away with those looks of annoyance. But you would come back so I was never afraid of that one day you would leave me finally.

But after tonight, I don’t know where I should stand.

“You are not the best person to be my friend right now…”

You said finally, leaving me with my fright. With the lumps of tears that only escaped when you walked out.  I loved you and always will but to lose you this way was far worse than keeping numb with this feeling inside.

I stood, walking aimlessly towards a place I should know.

There was only one direction my heart would lead and my mind would take.

Gone are the thoughts you won’t take me back. Gone are the fears of the unknown future. All I have are your eyes staring at me.

Our story was about to start after it ended.

Them

The door opened and it did not take you even a second to find where I was hiding, cloaked in that darkness. You sat beside me resting your head on my shoulder and groping for my hand. Gently, you fitted them perfectly in yours; I have to let the remaining tears escape my eyes for you might call me a cry-baby again.

In the darkness, we stayed hidden against our pretensions and lies.

In the silence, we let our hearts speak what our tongue may never find the courage to spell.

But suddenly, amidst the darkness I heard your voice— mellow and soft.

“You know what?”

“What?”

“I did something stupid…”

“What is it?”

“I almost let you go…”