August 26, 2013

The previous night when Ren had confessed his feelings for me it totally turned my already flipped up world upside down yet once again. It wasn’t like I had never been confessed to before; I just was never confessed to by another guy. I was plenty popular with the girls back in LA but I never dated back then. I was too busy studying to get into NYU to give them the time of day. At least that’s what I thought. Truthfully I never really held much interest in dating. But I always thought it was because I just never met anyone well, interesting. I never thought it could be because maybe I just wasn’t into girls. Was I, or wasn’t I? Did I like… well, guys? My strange feelings building up inside of me directed towards Minhyun seemed to tell me that was the case. And it was never that I had anything against homouality… I just never pictured myself as one of them. No, Aron, that’s rude. I just never thought I was gay, so this came as quite a surprise.

I was a bit disappointed how Minhyun seemed to walk away like that after congratulating the two of us. I hadn’t even properly accepted or turned down Ren’s feelings yet; Minhyun just assumed that I would say yes. But when I glanced down at Ren’s hopeful face I just couldn’t find it in me to tell him no. But that didn’t mean that was a definite yes either. I had told him to give me some time to think about it, that this was my first time being confessed to by another man. Luckily he understood me and agreed to give me the time and space to think it over.

I don’t know what to think today. I keep finding myself glancing out the window and out at the beach, but I know that’s a place I want to avoid for a while. I don’t want to accidentally run into Ren and be forced to give him an answer, even though I already know I’m going to turn him down. I also don’t want to awkwardly run into Minhyun just yet either. I wanted to avoid him, yet at the same time I wanted to see him and explain to him that he had everything wrong and that it was just a big misunderstanding. If I was going to take that big leap out of the closet, I would do it for Minhyun, not Ren. It seems strange admitting that, but that’s what it is. I’m a dying man, aren’t I? Didn’t I come here to experience life? To live? So why not live then? I wasn’t going to reject Minhyun if he indeed had feelings for me.

September 6, 2013

I happened to spot Minhyun in town this morning while I was out delivering a letter that I had written for my parents to the post office. He seemed equally as shocked to see me as I did him. Quite some time had passed since the last time we had spoken. I never had given Ren an answer either. I had just left him in complete silence like some kind of jerk. But I didn’t have the courage or the face the reject him, so I just left the situation alone. Minhyun seemed to be returning from a trip to the market, seeing as he was carrying a couple of large reusable shopping bags over each shoulder, each filled with produce. I smiled, surprised to see him. Every time I stepped outside of my grandparents’ house I instinctively found myself looking for him, however, on the one day I hadn’t, there he was.

“Minhyun, hey there.” I slightly bowed, secretly apologetic towards him.

Minhyun shifted the bags over his shoulders and sadly smiled. “Hey, Aron.”

“Are you going somewhere?” I asked.

“I’m on my way home.” He answered after much hesitation.

“Can I walk you?”

Minhyun took a step back and quickly answered. “It’s not far; I think I can manage on my own. Thanks though, Aron.” He said as he started to walk past me, only I reached out with my shaky, ALS stricken hand and grabbed the straps to the shopping bag over his left shoulder as he tried to pass. This stopped him in his actions and he paused and glanced back at me over his shoulder.

“Are you afraid Ren will see us?”

Minhyun shook his head and with an unexpected jerk he pulled away and the bag fell from his shoulder and onto the floor, its contents scattering crazily about. I quickly knelt down and started to pick them up with my shaky hands; as I did so I could feel his eyes on me the entire time. I could tell he wanted to ask me about why I was always so shaken up every time I seemed to reach out for something, but he seemed to know the line of boundaries between two people that he didn’t want to cross. After I finished putting his produce back into his bag I handed it back to him, which he quickly took back with a small nod of his head.

“Thanks, Aron. I’ll see you again.”

“What are you so afraid of?” I asked him, throwing him off guard.

Aron shifted his gaze from off the ground and looked very pleadingly into mine. “Please, just try to understand my situation.”

I scoffed, raising a brow. “And tell me, what’s your situation?”

“Ren is my best friend.”

“And?”

Now it was Minhyun’s turn to scoff. “Aron, Ren said he likes you.”

“And did you ever stop to think that he might not be the one I like after all?”

He gave me a wide eyed look. “What… do you mean by that?” He asked but then quickly shook his head. “Please, Aron. I have to go.” He said without giving me time to answer his question and hurried away. Seeing the fear in Minhyun’s eyes, I couldn’t help but question his character. Did his friends truly mean that much to him that he would toss aside his chance for possible true love? I stood there and didn’t move. I really wished that I could see inside Minhyun’s mind so that I could understand him better but somehow I knew he probably wouldn’t give me that chance.  

October 14, 2013

Over a month had passed since I last saw either Minhyun or Ren. I think by now Ren understood the message that I wasn’t going to go to him. Either that or he was as patient as a monk. But I doubted that; Ren didn’t strike me as the patient type, especially how he just up and kissed me like that the night he had confessed. This morning I couldn’t help but feel restless; my mind as of late was focused on Minhyun. I couldn’t get him out of my head as much as I tried to.

My grandparents had gone out to the market and so that left me all alone at the house. I found myself sitting idly in the garden underneath the silk tree beside the pond, listening to the sounds of nature when I suddenly heard footsteps beyond the bamboo fence. I looked up to see a familiar shadow; my heart started to beat faster. Suddenly there was a faint knock on the other side of the gate. I stood up at once and clumsily made my way over to the door, tripping over nothing in particular. But of course with ALS, there didn’t have to be any obstacles to trip over. You were clumsy because your sense of coordination was heavily thrown off.

As I reached for the gate I missed the handle. Minhyun took notice of this and gave me a stunned look between the bars of the fence but said nothing. I reached for it a second time and nailed it, swinging it open.

“Hey… Minhyun. I’m surprised to see you… What are you doing here?”

Minhyun uncomfortably shifted his gaze down to the floor. “I know it’s been a while, but I just wanted to apologize for the last time. I was rude… sorry.”

“You don’t have to.” I followed his gaze into the dirt.

He shook his head. “No, I do. That’s just the kind of person that I am. I feel bad if I wrong someone.” He truly seemed apologetic. At that moment I wanted to reach out and caress Minhyun’s face, to bring the taller boy’s lips down to mine so that I could kiss him. I couldn’t fight these strange feelings that I had developed towards the guy any longer. Love was love whether it was with another man or a woman and I believed I was grown up enough to accept that fact. I deeply wanted to kiss him, even a quick peck would be enough, but I knew if I did this it would probably scare him away. Instead I remained motionless.

“Do you… want to come in?”

Minhyun once again shook his head. “Ren…”

“Let me guess, you have to go?” I asked; he nodded. “Then at least let me walk you part of the way.” I said, stepping outside the gate and locking it behind me, not really giving him a chance to answer me. As we made our way back towards his neck of the village, instead of taking the main road we walked along the length of the beach with the warm sand beneath our feet. After what seemed like an eternity of silence he finally spoke up.

“It’s been… really hard to get away like this.” He admitted to me. I glanced over at him with a surprised look. Had he actually tried to come see me sooner? “But Ren is constantly by my side. The only reason I’m with you now is because I told him that I was going to the temple. Ren isn’t religious, so that’s definitely a place he wouldn’t want to tag along to.”

“You know… I thought you didn’t want to see me anymore.” I confessed.

Minhyun stopped in his tracks. “That’s not it!” He exclaimed before momentarily returning to his senses. He sheepishly kicked at the sand in front of him with his toes. “Really, that’s not it. Anyways, I hoped that you would accept my apology-”

I took a step closer to him and as I did so I could feel Minhyun’s body tense up against mine, but surprisingly he didn’t step back or move away this time. I shakily reached up with my right hand and touched his smooth white cheek before lifting his catlike chin so that his eyes met mine before I leaned in and kissed him. After a couple of seconds had passed after our lips made contact I felt him finally pull away.

“I-I have to go now, Aron.” He said, his face flushed with a shade of crimson. He turned around and started to walk off when I suddenly called out to him.

“When can I see you again?” I asked. I didn’t want him to leave so soon. I wanted to feel the warmth of his lips against mine for just a little bit longer. But instead I just stood there, digging my toes into the sand with disappointment.

Minhyun paused for a moment before turning back. “I’ll come to you.” He said before flashing me a handsome smile and taking off running down the beach with one of his shoes in each hand. After reaching a considerable distance he spun around and waved at me before hurrying off and disappearing.

December 28, 2013

About two months have passed and still no word from Minhyun. As each day passed by I held a certain amount of hope that he would stop by or come to me like he had promised, but no such luck. And I was miserable because I couldn’t go to him because I knew if I did chances were that Ren would be at his side and I didn’t need that to happen right now. I couldn’t help but wonder if Minhyun had told Ren about what happened that day out on the beach. Had he told him I kissed him? Would Ren have killed him if he did? I didn’t know him well enough to tell how Ren would react to such a situation.

Lately I’ve felt extreme pains in both my hands and feet. Cramping is normal for someone with ALS, but this pain had to be the worst pain I had felt since being diagnosed and was painful enough to warrant a trip to the hospital. The doctors checked it out and gave me medicine to help subside the pain to make it more manageable and sent me on my way. On my way back with my grandfather who had accompanied me on my trip, I saw Minhyun across the road. As he seemed to spot me as well his face lit up with a bright smile and he waved at me as if nothing had ever happened, like he hadn’t just made me wait over two months for him to come to me. He quickly crossed the street and moved directly towards us where he bowed and greeted my grandfather.

“Hello.” He smiled warmly in this frozen winter weather. My grandfather simply smiled, bowed back, then found an excuse to leave us alone. When it was just the two of us I found myself staring back at Minhyun’s lips which I had been craving all this time just to touch once again. I had really missed seeing Minhyun during his absence from my life.

“How’ve you been?” I asked; I didn’t know what else to say to him. I was missing him, but at the same time I was hurting because of him as well.

“So-so. Just trying to keep warm. Brrr!” He smiled, rubbing his mitted hands together.

“I see.” I replied quietly.

“I thought you might have gone back to LA by now…”

I gave him a stunned look. “What would make you think such a thing…?”

Minhyun glanced down at his feet. “Come on, this weather? Who would want to stay?”

“No, I’m here to stay for good.” I replied. That’s right; I was planning on dying here. Of course, my parents didn’t know that. They thought I was just visiting for a while and then would return to die at home. But those weren’t my plans; I wanted to stay here in the comfort of South Korea. This place was my new home.

“I see.” Minhyun stood silent for a moment before looking back up at me. “Can we meet tomorrow afternoon at the beach?” He asked. This question of his surprised me. It had always been I asking for him to meet me and now it was the other way around. I stared at him with wide eyes; I could see that he wanted to smile but he was suppressing it. He glanced over his shoulder then reached out and gave my hand a gentle squeeze before releasing it and taking off running down the street.

December 29. 2013

By the time I arrived at the beach where I had agreed to meet Minhyun the previous day, I found Minhyun pacing back and forth nervously. When he saw me he paused rigidly as if he had been paralyzed. This expression of his was quickly replaced by a smile.

“Aron.” He called out to me.

I waited until I was by his side to return his greeting. “Minhyun. Have you been waiting long?”

Minhyun pouted. “A long time, actually!”

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

Minhyun laughed, “I’m joking. It’s okay. Anyways, shall we get going?” He asked, reaching out his gloved hand to me. I stared down at it before taking it in my own. I didn’t bother asking him where we were going; I’d probably figure it out soon enough if I just kept walking with him. Together we walked away from the beach and up to the side of the road where we followed it straight for what must have been 30 minutes. We stopped when we arrived in front of a temple. I turned to Minhyun with a raised brow wondering why, out of all places, we were here. It was then I realized that it was probably the only place Ren would never come to search for him.

To the right of the shrine lay a grassy hill, though, at this time of the year the grass had faded into a dull, listless color. We walked away from the temple and over towards the hill where Minhyun sat down with his back against a tree. I did the same and joined him. Together we glanced out in front of us and were provided with a beautiful landscape of the ocean. In such a place like Busan it seemed near impossible to escape the ocean, but then again, why would you want to? The locals seemed to pride themselves in their beaches and I didn’t blame them. This place was a comfort if you were some city kid like I was.

“So we’re finally alone…” I said, still staring out into the ocean finding the situation between us rather awkward. Why had Minhyun led me out all the way here? As I turned my head to my left I spotted Minhyun watching me, his face so close to mine that we were practically breathing the same air. I was tempted to say something to him, but it was as if my body reacted on its own without waiting to receive orders from my brain. I raised my chin up to kiss him and to my surprise he didn’t pull away. Instead he let the weight of his body fall on top of mine, knocking me over into the grass. I didn’t argue with this position though; I welcomed the warmth of his body pressed against mine. I placed my shaky hands around his waist and held him tightly against me, not wanting to let him go for fear that he would leave me again, and I pressed my lips against his, kissing him harder. Even then Minhyun still didn’t pull away; it was then that I realized that he wasn’t planning on running away anytime soon. He was here just for me. My hands found their way to his coat buttons and clumsily undid one by one, doing the same with his white dress shirt that he wore underneath. It took some time before I was finally able to pull down both his shirt and his coat down to his shoulders, revealing his smooth, pale skin. I had never felt skin so soft. Minhyun smiled down at me before leaning in and planting a gentle kiss on my cheek, leaving a trail of small pecks until he reached my lips where he practically devoured them.

The sound of the bells coming from the temple woke me up later that afternoon. When I woke I found myself confused as I was dazed from trying to climb out of a dream. When I fully opened my eyes I spotted Minhyun sitting beside me, smiling. How long had I fallen asleep? This was actually embarrassing. Did what I think happen with Minhyun really happen, or was it just a dream? I glanced down to see my disheveled clothes. No, it definitely wasn’t a dream. It definitely happened. I sighed a sigh of relief.

“Feel better now?” Minhyun smirked.

“How long was I out?”

“Oh, probably about an hour.” Minhyun said as he pulled his knees into his chest and wrapped his arms around his legs. He turned his attention back out to the ocean.

“Sorry.” I replied awkwardly. “You should have woken me up.”

“No,” He said in a serious tone of voice. “You never pull someone away from their dreams.”

“How do you know I was dreaming?”

“How could you lie in a place like Busan and not dream?” He asked back to me with yet another charming smile. He spoke up yet again. “We’ve been gone for too long. He’ll come looking for me. Let’s get going, shall we?” He held his hand out to me again. I nodded then took it and we both stood up together. As we began the trek back I listened to Minhyun as he spoke of his love for Busan. He told me he loved the quiet of the place during the winter months but despised the summer rush of tourists that hoarded the shack he worked at. As I listened to Minhyun’s soft voice and certainty about his place in the world, his place in Busan, I longed to feel the same as him, but the truth of the matter was that no one knew how much time I had left. Regardless, I had to make the most out of it. I gently squeezed Minhyun’s slender fingers in mine and we continued our walk into town.

January 5, 2014

I’ve spent a lot of time cooped up inside my grandparents’ house during the winter weather season. It’s because of this fact that I’ve barely even seen Minhyun, if at all. But today was different; today I decided that if I spent another day inside this place that I would go crazy with cabin fever and so I ventured out. I walked out into town and decided to browse the outdoor market. I wasn’t on any quest to buy anything but I had found that out of all the time that I had spent here, not once had I ever checked this place out. And so I went and I was amazed by all the street vendors and merchants gathered around in one place selling everything from produce to frozen fish.

To my luck I spotted Minhyun out at the market at this time of day, however, he was with Ren so I couldn’t talk to him. He very stiffly bowed to me then focused his attention on a crate of oranges down in front of him. Ren glanced off to the side to see what he had been looking at; his eyes widened in shock as he spotted me. I saw him grab Minhyun’s elbow and then shake him before releasing him and hurrying over towards me. I could only imagine what was going on in Ren’s head right now and I knew it couldn’t be anything good.

Ren stopped in front of me and without words raised his gloved hand and slapped me, leaving a red imprint of his hand against the side of my cheek. I didn’t fight back or protest; I knew I deserved it for being such a coward towards him. Ren narrowed his eyes, glaring at me.

“You know, I genuinely liked you, and you play with me like that?”

“Play? Look, Ren-”

Ren shook his head. “Yes, ‘played’ with me. All this time I’ve been waiting for some answer that never came and then when I finally hear some news about you, it’s about you getting caught with your pants down with that… that betrayer over there!” He pointed back out at Minhyun who darkly held his head down low. How had Ren found out? Did Minhyun finally tell him, or did someone see us and relay what they saw to him? I would never know. It’s not like Ren would answer me anyways.

“I’m sorry-”

Ren scoffed. “From now on, don’t you dare approach me or Min unless you have a death wish, do you understand?” He said with anger in his voice. I glanced back over at Minhyun who gave me a sad look but simply nodded, signaling to me that this was probably for the best. This broke my heart. I never wanted to come between two friends. I never intended to hurt Ren either, but I couldn’t help the way I felt towards Minhyun. At the moment there was nothing more that I could do but agree to Ren’s demands.

“I understand.”

April 24, 2014

For the next few months I heeded Ren’s warning and I stayed away from the both of them. It was finally warm again, or warm enough for me to venture out into the woods more comfortably. The last summer I was here all I found myself doing was sitting at the beach. Not once had I ever even attempted the woods. These days I had more difficulty walking than usual; the muscles in my legs cramped tightly more and more often. All in all, my ALS symptoms weren’t progressing too fast, which meant I still had more time on this earth. I wondered if that meant more time for living, or more time for suffering. But I tried to look at the world not as half empty, but half full. I was never one to neither pity myself nor seek sympathy from others. Life was… well, just what it was. I have ALS. I’m probably going to die from it. But not today, right?

As I walked past several shady pines I noticed the air was significantly cooler beneath them. I wandered through the maze of trees and plants thinking about my life in general in Busan. My hectic lifestyle had definitely came to a halt, didn’t it? There was plenty of time to just relax, think and lose oneself here. That was something I liked about Busan after living and experiencing it for about a year now. As I stood alone in my thoughts I heard the crackling sound of leaves and looked up to spot Minhyun a considerable distance away. My heart began to race as I realized this wasn’t an illusion, but a reality. He seemed to be lost in thought as well as he held his head down low. After a couple minutes of silence he started walking in my general direction. I still didn’t think he knew I was here and not wanting to scare or frighten him I waited until he reached me first.

“Minhyun…” I said, stumbling as I tried to step forward.

Minhyun looked up, startled to see me. “A…ron… What are you doing here?”

“I wanted a quiet place to think.” I warmly smiled at him, despite the fact that I knew I probably shouldn’t. If Ren found out about this I imagine both of us would end up dead. But still, I couldn’t help it. I missed him. “And you?”

Minhyun hesitantly smiled. “Same here.”

The two of us spent the next hour walking around through the woods, speaking in hushed tones with one another until we both ran out of things to say and we fell into a comfortable silence. The air between us was relaxing; everything was warm and sweet that our meeting actually felt like a dream. Who would have thought that out of all places I would run into Minhyun in here? When I reached out and took his hand in mine he didn’t resist; he gave me a shocked, wide eyed stare but he didn’t pull away. His eyes lessened as he felt the warmth of my hand in his and he smiled, looking out into the maze of trees before us. It wasn’t until we finally exited the woods and reached the main road that Minhyun reluctantly released my hand and gave me a sad smile before slowly leaving me behind.

April 25, 2014

I received a letter from my parents today instead of the usual care package that they had been sending to me over the course of the past year. I opened it and scanned through the three page letter. When I finished I felt a certain tightness in my chest as my heart ached. My parents wanted me to return to LA within a month. They had finally caught on to the idea that I was planning on never returning to them and I guess this thought frightened them. Why wouldn’t it? I was still their son. I was technically their property, if you can say it like that. They wanted me back. Apparently my vacation had finally run its course and it was time to go. If I didn’t hop on a plane with my own free will they threatened to come and get me themselves. I guess there was just no escaping not going back.

I released the letter and let it fall on the small table inside my room as I stood up and exited the house, making my way out into the garden. I needed the comforting air that only my grandfather’s garden could provide me. I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to leave this magical place. I couldn’t unwind like this back in LA. Where would I find a garden like this one? I wouldn’t. No other garden would even come close to comparing with this one. And the quiet that Busan provided… I would definitely come to miss this the most, even though it was what I had originally dreaded when I first came here. I wouldn’t be able to find this kind of ‘lose-yourself-in-the-moment’ type of silence back in my parents’ apartment in LA, where if one neighbor wasn’t busy screaming his head off and beating his wife, the other neighbor was blasting their car stereo. Somehow I just knew that I would end up dying faster if I returned to the smog-filled city of LA. I didn’t want that; I was happy here, wasn’t I?

The truth of the matter was that I had come to love Busan, regardless if I had met Minhyun or not. This place was just… relaxing. Of course meeting Minhyun made it even better even despite the very few times I had managed to see him for one reason or another. We had connected instantly the very first time we met; I just knew it. I wonder if Minhyun felt that confusing spark too. But of course Ren got in the way and everything became difficult for us, even if just to meet for a moment. And then there was that one unforgettable afternoon where we both just lost it… even though fate seemed to be keeping us apart, neither one of us seemed to want to accept it. Our meeting in the woods yesterday proved it; even though that one day in the market Minhyun had seemed to agree with Ren’s proposition for us not to meet anymore, yesterday said otherwise. Minhyun didn’t pull away from me. He didn’t fight it… So how… how could I possibly leave him? I just couldn’t.

May 13, 2014

I woke up bright and early this morning to go for a stroll on the empty beach. The sun was still yet to rise but my thoughts had been racing ever since receiving my parents’ letter a while back. This whole time I had been contemplating just running away and leaving everything behind, including my grandparents. I contemplated just living out the rest of my days alone somewhere off the shore of Busan or whatever other quiet place I found. But of course I realized there was no use it that. Those were just crazy thoughts. It’s not like I had the courage or strength to do that, especially not with my ALS which was wearing down my body into nothingness with each passing day.

Everywhere on the beach there are still remnants of the tourists that had been here the previous day. Paper wrappers line the shore followed by plastic shovels and buckets forgotten by small children that had been building sand castles probably when their parents told them it was time to go home. Seeing these things somehow made me feel… well, lonely. Not necessarily for the people that left them, but for all the things that I would be forced to leave behind. I knew it was silly getting sentimental over garbage and plastic toys, but that’s just how much I had come to love Busan.

I sat down on the dry shore next to the forgotten beach toys and began to fill the plastic bucket to the rim with damp sand. I was feeling extremely tired these days. The fatigue was killing me. I hated feeling weak, but really there was nothing that I could do but accept it and try to live the best I can. I dumped the bucket of packed sand out onto the ground and formed a mound next to it before filling the bucket up again to make another one. It was then that I felt a flashlight orb shining on the side of my face. I glanced up to see a tall, slim figure walking up to me on the beach. As Minhyun grew closer I could hear the soft crunching of the sand beneath his bare feet.

“Min…hyun…”

Minhyun sadly smiled at me. “I had hoped you’d be out here.” He said as he finally approached me. I brought my hands to my eyes and rubbed them. No, he was definitely here. This wasn’t the work of my imagination.

“Really?” I asked; he nodded. “Why?”

Minhyun paused. “I heard… from your grandfather that you’ll be going back soon. Is this true?” As he asked this I could see the pain and sadness in his eyes.

I shifted my gaze down into my sandcastle. “I don’t know.” As I looked down Minhyun followed my trail and spotted my sandcastle. His face lit up with a smile and he knelt down beside me and wordlessly started to help. We practically spent the entire morning out on the beach trying to build the perfect sandcastle. By the time we finished it was already noon and the structure stood nearly as tall as I was. Together we both took several steps back to admire our hard work and determination; I probably wouldn’t have been able to build something like this without his help. At least, not with my ALS stricken hands.

“Aron?” Minhyun called out to me, his eyes still glued on the sandcastle in front of us.

“Yeah, Minhyun?”

“You should go back.”

I paused, taken aback by surprise. “W-what?”

“I can’t continue to run into you like this anymore. Isn’t it all for the better?” He asked rather sadly. I shook my head.

“Of course not!” I raised my voice at him.

“It has to be this way.” Minhyun started to storm away from the castle and down the beach. I followed close behind.

“Why?!”

“Don’t you get it?!” Minhyun exclaimed as I grabbed his wrist and spun him around to face me. He had tears in his eyes. “There can never be any ‘us’!”

“Not without an explanation!” I demanded.

“Why can’t you see that nothing can ever come of our friendship?”

“Friendship?” I asked, stunned. “Is that all we were? Friends…? You could have fooled me that day outside the temple.” As I said this he glanced behind him to see if Ren was watching us. I instinctively pulled Minhyun close to me and held him tight. I could feel his taller, leaner body choking back his tears with small hiccups. We stayed like this for a few moments before he pulled away, revealing his wet cheeks. He stared at me with sad eyes and caressed my cheek; he seemed just about as heartbroken as I was about not getting to see each other anymore. I thought about kissing him but I assumed he would panic and leave. When I released him he quietly turned around and made his way across the shore. I didn’t follow him though. Instead I just stood there, hoping, waiting for him to turn back and wave or nod… or something, but he never did. I watched him continue on towards town until he disappeared.

May 15, 2014

Last night I dreamt of Minhyun. I dreamt that we were still at the beach; I was busy constructing that larger than life sandcastle and Minhyun was fast approaching in the distance like we did the last time we saw each other. Although he was running towards me, he never seemed to travel any closer. This dream was a painful reminder of the reality that we couldn’t be anything more than friends, or even friends, for that matter. Whether it was because of Ren or because of me having to go back to America, regardless, what we had between us was over and difficult to accept.

When I woke up I was damp with sweat. My grandfather was sitting at the edge of my bedding on the floor looking down on me. Had I been talking or in my sleep? He must have known something was bothering me, regardless. He just sat there silently, not asking any questions like usual. Even if he did I wouldn’t tell him. It’s not every day you tell your grandfather that you fell in love with another man. But it wasn’t just that; how could I tell him what was bothering me? My friendship with Minhyun was over before we had really even started. I tried not to mope about it, but I was depressed. I really wanted to see more of Minhyun and learn more about him. But I would never get that chance; my flight was this afternoon.

It’s funny, the things you remember about a person when you can no longer see them and they’re gone. Although I only had a few good years left in me before my body withered out, I already knew that I wouldn’t meet another person quite like Minhyun ever again. No one else will feel as warm as him, carry the same expressions or even sound the same as he did. But I know one thing is certain; I’ll never forget the story of the beautiful boy I met in Busan.

The flight back to LA is of course a long one. As I write this I’m sitting in the stuffy economy section of the plane. I leaned my head back against the uncomfortable headrest and closed my eyes when the pilot finally announced in the intercom that our destination was just a couple of hours away now and thanked us for choosing their airlines. I sighed; in a couple of hours I would see my mother and father again for the first time in about a year. For a moment my heart raced as I tried to think of what I would talk about with them. What would I tell them? Nothing of particular interest happened in my daily life back in Busan, with the exception of meeting Minhyun and Ren, but was that something I should really tell them about? I ruined their perfect friendship by inadvertently coming between the two of them. Oh, and I had with a boy. I’m sure mom and dad would love to hear that.

I shook my head then allowed myself to drift off into a deep sleep. By the time the plane landed in LAX, I had napped enough and found that I was energized enough to want to socialize with my parents once again. I grabbed my carryon and followed the other passengers out of the plane and into the noisy, crowded airport. I looked for my mother and father and finally spotted them. They stood outside of the terminal, my father dressed in his navy blue business suit and my mother in a long pink dress. They both awkwardly raised their hands up straight as they saw me, almost as if they knew the answer to a question in class.

I forced a smile on my lips. “Father.” I placed my bag down on the floor and bowed as I greeted him formerly. “Mother.” I did the same.

“My, you look so much healthier than the last time we saw you! Busan must have treated you well!” My mother exclaimed as she excitedly wrapped her arms around me. “Are you hungry?”

“It did. And no, I still don’t have much of an appetite…”

“How was your trip?” My father asked as he picked up my bag and placed his arm over my shoulders, pulling me with him as we made our way for the exit.

“It was comfortable. It’s hard to believe that I’m no longer there…” I said as we made our way out into the parking lot where we found my father’s blue sedan parked outside.

“You really do look so much better…” He replied sadly. I smiled at him. We both knew that for me, there really wouldn’t be any such thing as ‘getting better.’ But I assumed he was referring to the way I carried myself. I seemed more at ease, more relaxed. 

“I still struggle with the use of my hands and walking sometimes, but overall I feel well… It really is amazing what a change in scenery can do for you. Back before I left for Busan I oftentimes found myself wondering if I ever would feel well again.”

My father paused then patted me on the back. “That’s the magic of Busan, kiddo.” I nodded.

Yeah… Busan, it really was a magical journey.

August 29, 2014

I was up very early, quietly fumbling through my parents’ apartment as I struggled to walk. The immense pain in my feet, calves, and hands had kept me up all night. It seemed ever since I finally came home, the progression of my disease fastened in the short time I’ve been here. I went to the doctor to ask about this and he pretty much confirmed it; it was only a matter of time until I would be wheelchair bound. Funny; LA isn’t a very handicap-friendly town. If I was bound to a wheelchair that would indefinitely keep me inside because there really would be nowhere left for me to go to, at least not easily anyways.

It goes without needing to be said that I don’t want to be here. I’d rather be in Busan, the place that had given me more solace in a lifetime in that short year than my entire upbringing in LA. I missed sitting in my grandfather’s garden where somehow life seemed to have stopped, instead showing me a completely separate new side of the world full of beauty. I remembered sitting by the pond on the side of the house and finding myself staring out over the gate; I remembered that time I had heard Ren and Minhyun’s faint voices passing by on the other side. Then I remembered that time Minhyun came alone and brought and introduced me to sam gae tang.

I tripped over the foot of a table in the hallway, crashing to the ground. I pursed my lips together as the images of my short spent time with Minhyun turned around and around in my mind. I felt like crying like I was some sort of child and not a 21 year old man. As I struggled to pull myself back up I noticed a pile of letters that one of my parents had carelessly dumped on the table like they usually did with the mail. I started to flip through them when I paused, startled to see one with several marked stamps addressing all the way from South Korea. I glanced up at the name of the sender on the corner of the envelope. As I read the name the letter dropped and hit the floor; I shakily reached down and picked it up, tearing it open.

It was from Minhyun. And what’s more is that he wanted to come see me in LA…

September 14, 2014

It was dark and rainy on the morning that Minhyun’s flight was to arrive. By now I had to resort to a cane in order to move around safely. My steps were slow and small, making the solo trip to the airport longer than it would have in the past. It was strange though; I had walked these same roads near the airport all the time back before I had gotten sick, but today everything was like I was truly experiencing it for the first time like some sort of tourist. The air felt heavy with humidity and rain. Despite the good news that I would finally be getting the chance to meet with Minhyun yet again, the roads ahead of me looked dark and menacing. By the time I had reached the airport the rain had finally died down to a drizzle.

I stood outside of Minhyun’s terminal and waited for him. Passengers started to pour out by the boatload until finally Minhyun, who stood taller than the rest, finally came walking out with a nervous, scared look on his face. I remembered how he had told me he had never left the country before, let alone Busan. This trip must have taken a lot of effort and courage for him to decide to want to cross the ocean just to see me. Suddenly our eyes met and we locked on to each other from the distance before Minhyun slowly approached me.

“Aron…” He glanced down at my cane.

I smiled up at him, trying to suppress the tears that threatened to fall from the corners of my eyes. My thoughts were a confused mess. I was happy that he was here, but I felt sad that he had to see me like this. I knew there was no other way around it; I would have to tell Minhyun about the disease that was slowly killing me. I hoped that he wouldn’t take this news harshly and view this trip as a waste of his time and efforts. No, he wasn’t that kind of person, was he?

“I’m glad to see you.” I finally replied.

Minhyun slowly looked up from my cane and gave me a sad smile. “Me too.”

“What made you decide to come all the way out here to LA?”

“I… needed to see you… Aron… is everything okay?” He asked, glancing back down at my cane. I shakily reached out to him and grabbed him lightly by his wrist, slowly pulling him off to the side where several rows of vacant chairs sat. I pulled him down with me.

Amongst the crowd of fast moving people the two of us sat motionless. Minhyun brought his hands to his face and started to cry as I finally explained my situation to him. It pained me to have to tell him this fact about me and at the same time it frightened me. Would Minhyun get back on that plane and go back to Busan just as quickly as he arrived here? Suddenly, as if to answer my unasked question, Minhyun shifted his backpack to his lap and ped one of its compartments, removing a miniature bottle of sand.

“It’s from the beach at Busan.”’ He said through his sniffles then handed it to me. I shakily took the small bottle in my hands and ran my fingers across the smooth glass, staring down into the white sand encased inside. Warm memories of meeting Minhyun back on that very beach replayed in the back of my mind like a movie.

“Why’d you bring this?” I asked.

“As a reminder.”

“For me?”

Minhyun slowly shook his head. “For me.” He said as he took my hand in his own. “I finally made up my mind… Only, I’m sorry it took so long.”

I tightly swallowed the burning lump that had begun to sting my throat. “R-Ren…”

“He said he wouldn’t hold me back anymore.” He replied. I closed my eyes; had Ren finally moved on and accepted the situation between Minhyun and I? Had he finally gotten over his jealousy?

“Is he… mad?”

Minhyun chuckled. “Of course he was mad! That’s Ren. But he wished us good luck in the end.”

“Us…?”

He smiled warmly at me, giving my hand a gentle squeeze. “Of course. I’m here to stay.”

“Why?” I asked. “Why? When you know-”

“Do you remember that sandcastle we built together back in Busan?” He asked; I nodded. “It took us forever to build it, didn’t it? And then a few hours later the tide came up and swept it all away.”

“Yeah…” I remembered how disappointed I had been because I hadn’t taken a picture of it to preserve its memory.

Minhyun continued. “Life… is like one giant sandcastle. We had fun building it together, didn’t we? I believe that the joy comes in the building of the sandcastle, not on the result. Because they are built out of sand they don’t last very long; I hold this true to life. No matter what we build in life, in time it will always collapse. Time is something we have no control over; time will come and destroy everything, so it’s up to us to enjoy those brief moments of building and pleasure during the time that we have left in this world. The joy is in the building, the constructing, and the creating of the sandcastles, not that they last. Don’t you think?”

I was speechless. His metaphor that compared sandcastles to life fit so well with my own attitude towards my ALS. As long as I was still breathing and able to move I would make the most out of my situation and live life to the fullest without holding myself down with depressing thoughts or actions. And what was more was that it sounded like Minhyun was here to stay by my side, for good.

I smiled as I swept away a tear that had fallen down my cheek. “You’re absolutely right.”