You met my gaze again.

My blood ran cold as I returned my eyes back to the manager. I couldn't help the gnawing at my chest that was caused by your obvious suffering.

I'm sorry but at that time it was necessary.

But not anymore.

Although its too late now.

I can only hope and pray that you're not sad.

You can be mad, even hate me but don't cry for me.

The person who hurt you the most.

I remember that your eyes where a little glazed over.

I ignored it as I told the rest of the members to relax.

I do not recall my exact words as I was busy staring at your black locks. Your head was turned down and slightly tilted away from mine.

I do recall that multiple times while I was speaking that I kept spacing out and Xiumin or Luhan would have to nudge me.
Eventually we got on stage and did what we did best. What we had trained to do. We lived our shared dream on that stage.

But as our song started panic set in my heart.

I realized that while I had checked all the other member's ear pieces I had neglected my own. I had carelessly plugged in it my own ear moments before not even testing it.

God damn was that a mistake.

But I went with it. I could still hear the music and did my best to not lag behind in the dancing.

Bu then it happened.

You.

During the middle of the song.

You had screamed my name the loudest among the members as you all heard something I did not.

The other members had stopping dancing and were listening though the ear pieces. The fans where screaming.
But not in excitement.

In cold blooded fear.

With ice flowing through my veins I turned around to the source of the panic and felt my eyes widen.

One of the metal beams had broken off the top of the stage and was swinging toward me.

At the moment when I got out of my initial shock I saw that the rest of the members where fine and wouldn't get hit.

A sigh of relief had hit me then when I realized that only I would get hurt.

Time had stopped.

I guess your power the company gave you must have been partially real.

I could almost laugh at the shear irony since you were the only one on that stage that could move against the clock.
And forever ruin your own future.

I hadn't seen you move toward me but I felt it when you slammed your body into mine and pushed me out of the direct path of that colossal beam swinging at me.

As I was pushed I could see in slow motion the other members finally thaw out of their frozen stupor diving out of the way and ducking as even more of the beams collapsed.

But none of the beams were as large as the one that was aimed at me.

Of course I got hit.

Only by a different beam, slightly smaller than the one that hit you, crushed my right arm. I had been rolled out of the way of the larger beam and was now pinned down on my back by this one.

But as I turned my head after the pain lanced though the rest of my body in waves and was gasping out I saw that you had been completely encased by the mammoth beam that had been originally meant for only me.

Maybe that was an exaggeration considering I could only see half of your body.

I couldn't even pry the beam off my own body so when the thought crossed my mind to lift the beam off you I could have screamed in frustration.

I did scream as everyone came out to help.

But my eyes were only on you as you breathed out shakily, a thick trail of blood dripping out of your mouth.
It was horrifying.

You held my gaze as more blood flowed down your face almost covering half of it.

I remember wishing to see the other side of your face.

My left arm reached out to attempt wiping the blood away in vain.

And through all that pain you felt with more than half your body under that damn support beam you managed to smile so beautifully.

When you smiled it made me want to cry.

You were our younger brother, our didi, our wushu panda. Our annoying maknae but you always made us smile.

Most of all you will always be my Zitao.

My Tao that when you had a problem you came to me.

When you were feeling down you would run into my waiting arms.

When you were laughing you would nudge me to laugh with along you.

When you wanted something you would run to me and I would always crumble under your aegyo.

But then I did something irreversible and stupid to your unbelievably beautiful and optimistic smile.

I rejected you when you had confessed earlier that same day when we were in the dorm.

As the words had left your lips hesitantly only moments after I had barged in to wake you, tears spilling out your eyes, you had kept that beautiful smile.

"I love you, Yifan."

I had been shocked still standing halfway in the door with my hand on the door knob staring at you sitting on your bed.
And it wasn't because you were awake before I could wake you.

Mouth agape I had looked out the door and back into your room numerous times before I decided to sit next to you on the bed.

Placing an arm around your shaking frame I apologized over and over again. Feeling worse and worse as time passed.
I didn't even need to say the words.

You had known.

You had brushed it off eventually as your tears dried out. Hugging me tightly and barely whispering, "Thank you for not leaving me. Or even being disgusted." You had then leaned away, wiped your tears and smiled, "It's okay. Don't feel burdened, please? I just had to say it."

I almost had felt like crying hysterically as you begged me not to feel bad. Of course I couldn't not feel bad that I couldn't return your feelings.

I had nodded and pulled you in for another hug but later when you couldn't even meet my eyes without looking forlorn I stopped looking for you.

Of course I couldn't just stop looking at someone I was with all day. So on occasion I would accidentally meet your eyes.

It broke me every time.

But I accepted it. I knew you needed time. It hadn't even been a day.

I fear that hurt you more than you let on but I promised myself that when you had stopped looking upset I would finally then smile and laugh with you again.

But as you started to zone out under that beam lying beside me blood pooling underneath you and soaking our clothing I feared that I wouldn't ever be able to.

I your bloody face with my free hand and whispered sweet reassurances as calm as I possibly could.

That smile never left your lips as your eyes would flutter closed only to be forced open once more as I told you to stay awake.

 

It felt like a lifetime had passed before the rest of the members arrived tears streaming down their faces at how you were crushed.

But you kept that smile till the end.

I wanted to yell for you to stop smiling since you were in so much pain and to only force yourself to stay awake.
But I was lost as the rest of the members instead tried to remove the beam from on top of my arm. I cried out as they rolled it off but I know the pain was bearable compared to yours.

When they all finally managed to move the damned thing I pushed past them muttering my thanks as I threw myself down next to you.

I held your face in my unharmed hand as you had whispered, "Gege, I'm cold."

I had felt my heart stop.

We were in the middle of summer.

It was ninety something degrees outside.

I even had sweat pouring down my back.

Yet you were cold.

I collapsed next to you. Hot tears streaming down my face and gasping as you kept on smiling trying to whisper to make me, of all people, stop crying.

You were too kind and unselfish for your own good, Tao.

I paid no attention to the other members as they stood beside us, some calling for more help to remove the beam from on top of you while others followed my pathetic lead and cried.

It all had felt like a lifetime had passed.

But later I learned that from the time the beam buckled only five minutes had passed.

More people had gathered to remove the pole from your body but I held your face the whole time.
Your smile only left when they had managed to get the beam off your body.

You screamed instead.

It didn't feel like the sound of your pain.

It felt like the sound was piercing my heart shattering it into tiny fragments.

Not even the sirens approaching were as loud as you were.

Your pain echoed in my heart and still does to this day.

When the paramedics had finally drove up they had wanted to give me my own gurney. Apparently I might have had a concussion.

I had refused telling them that I would be riding with you.

After a glance at the surrounding member's faces he had sighed waving me off to the ambulance.

I spoke to you as they lifted you onto the gurney and loaded you in next to me.

As they strapped you down I frantically wiped your face.

They paramedic next to me had given me something for the pain in my arm.

I took the pain killers completely unaware that my own arm was broken in two places and had three broken fingers.
How you felt was way more important. I had even yelled at the guy for even sparing time for me when you were in so much pain.

Your smile from earlier was more of a grimace as they poked and prodded you trying to access the situation.
As they rattled off the list of things wrong with you more tears spilt out of my eyes.

Possible broken leg and arm.

Possible fractured wrist and definitely broken ribs.

Multiple cuts and lashes.

Possible concussion.

I wanted to slam my head into the ceiling.

I could've. I already had to bend down in the tight space provided. All I'd really have to do would be lift my head quickly.
But I didn't since I'd probably knock myself out. My head was already swimming.

I didn't because in the end that would only cause them to waste more time on me.

When we finally arrived at the hospital I stayed by your side the whole time they wheeled you down the halls.

Afraid that if I looked away for even a second when My eyes returned to yours you'd be gone.

I held your hand the whole way down those halls.

Untill they had to yank me away from the operating room.

But at that point I was so weak I couldn't even fight them off. I remember Lay pressing me into a chair and whispering reassurances.

But I didn't need it. Not as much as you did.

I was sure that when you'd wake you'd want me by your side and God damn I would be there.

A doctor had approached me after speaking to one of our managers. Saying that I needed to get my arm checked out.
I had refused at first until the members had taken it upon themselves to pull me down the hall.

I was so weak I let them pull me away from you.

The farther I got from your existence the more I could feel my heart ache.

I ended up having a cast on my arm and a splint on my fingers hours later.

The doctor had asked me if I felt any pain. When I said no she had looked at her nurse in shock.

"But... The pain killers were supposed to wear off hours ago. How can you not be in pain?" She had looked genuinely concerned.

I shrugged, "There's worse pain."

She had nodded, her lips firmly pressed together as she wrote something down on her clipboard.

"I'm going to have to have you speak with a psychiatrist on this. You should be in pain. And I can't give you anything if you say your not in pain." She had sighed and left.

 As soon as she had left I had asked one of the members to go see if you were out of the operating room.

Since I couldn't leave the room. I was supposedly deemed unsafe to be left unattended as well.

I should have been offended but I didn't care. My blood was only pounding in fear that yours wasn't any more.

Minutes later but what really felt like hours Chen busted in and told us what room you were now in. The doctor from before was behind him telling me I could come see you.

Like her words, if she hadn't allowed it, would have stopped me. I could have scoffed.

But I didn't as we followed her down the hallway.

She had warned us that you were in a drug induced coma. The news had made me slightly upset.

I had wanted to see your smiling face.

But as soon as I saw you, barely taking shallow breaths, I couldn't have asked for anymore.

You were fine for now. And alive.

You had a cast on both your arm and leg. Multiple bandages plastered to your body but the real damage was unseen.
In your lungs.

They told us that the beam had caused some of your ribs to snap. And some of those ribs had pierced your lungs making it hard for you to transport oxygen through the rest of your body.

You had an oxygen mask taped to your face as well.

You looked broken.

I felt broken.

For two days they couldn't get me to move from your side for more than ten minutes.

I sleep next to you, ate next to you, and even talked to you.

But mostly I just sat and wondered what would have happened if you hadn't have decided to save me.

I would have been here in your place. But I preferred that thought to this reality.

The other members tried to coax me into going back to the hotel we were staying at. Or rather they were staying at since I hadn't even seen it.

I feared many things in those days but what was at the top of the list was what the fans were thinking.

On the third day I had finally worked up the courage to use the laptop Luhan had brought me for my supposed boredom.

But I knew they just wanted my mind off of the situation.

Five minutes into searching I had to close the laptop.

Of course they were furious at me.

Of course they saw that I could have moved earlier.

And of course they didn't miss the fact that you had put your own life in danger to protect me.

I couldn't agree more with them.

I had moved quietly past the guilt and was now pissed at myself for being slow.

Even the fancams proved it.

While the other members had looked like they knew that the place was collapsing I hadn't known a thing.

All because I hadn't checked the ear piece to see if it was functioning properly minutes before.

But what hurt the most was that some of the fans had taken it upon themselves to point out every possible way you could have been unharmed.

While I'd rather not go into the details of what they had said I can tell that some of them wished I had been the one to get hurt.

I had seen some positive comments though. Some fans had been trying to see the good and that it was beautiful Tao was a person willing to risk his life for others.

It didn't make me feel better.

It in fact made me feel if possible worse about myself.

I pushed those thoughts away when the other members arrived.

What they did or talked about in between visits I didn't know nor care. But they were all convinced I was slowly going insane and needed to go see the psychiatrist.

I went but only because I wanted to be sane when you woke up.

Not the broken me that I was becoming.

But what made me break was that at the end of the session, after I had split my guts out over everything I was feeling and thinking these past three days, he had merely looked me in the eyes and said five words that made me almost fall over.

"You're in love with him."

Simple.

Blunt.

Painful.

The words had sliced through me like cheap plastic and made me wonder when and were did I say that in the past few hours.

He had tapped his pen against his lips, "I can't say when you fell in love with him. But I know you cherish him more than anyone else right?"

I had nodded still trying to piece what he had said in my head together.

"And you also say that him barely even being near you makes your heart pound right?"

I had nodded again.

"Or even him being in a comatose state you still feel all these emotions while sitting next to him as well."

He leaned back and waited till I met his gaze to continue.

"Then unless you've lied to me at all in these past two hours you, Wu Yifan, are in love with Huang Zitao."

After more silence from me he spoke once more, "but what I don't understand is why you rejected him that morning, Kris?"

To that I had no idea how to answer.

I walked out of his office more confused than ever but if I had grasped anything then it was that I actually was in love with you, Tao.

I stayed awake that night. Sitting in perfect view of the heart monitor and your face. At least in the dark I could pretend you were sleeping and that when the sun rose you'd wake with it.

The doctors had said you should wake in the next one to three days.

I didn't want to wait that long. I wanted to tell you. I had to tell you what I had realized. I was planning to leave out the part where a professional had to tell me the truth but I was still going to tell you.

The words of love that should have left my lips that morning instead of the words of rejection.

I slowly felt the pain you must have felt eating me away.

The psychiatrist had said I was feeling to much emotional pain to feel the physical pain. If anything that was what was making me go insane and feel sick.

A day later you had woken up finally.

The doctors and nurses where in the room checking all your vitals when your heart rate speed up.

I had snapped out of my trace instantly and rushed to your side as the nurses did everything they could.

It was the single most greatest moment of my existence at that moment when you woke from your coma.

Until one of the nurses frantically said, "Doctor, His heart rate is speeding at an alarming rate that if we don't do something his lungs will-"

Your scream had cut the nurse off.

I knew what had happened.

They didn't even need to inform me why you were screaming.

That while you where waking you had started to breath too heavily and that it had caused the stitching in your lungs to rip apart.

I only knew your lungs had ripped because I could hear it. Whether I imagined the sound or not I do not know but I heard it.

You had torn the mask off your face and started coughing. Blood was splattering all over the white hospital sheets.

I watched frozen. My confession forgotten as the doctor even forgot I was there and started doing, I don't even know what, to try to save you.

As you were coughing blood everywhere I couldn't miss the panicked look in your eyes. You had met my eyes for a moment before looking away quickly as the heart monitor sped up even more.

My natural habit of staying still when I was in shock was really starting to piss me off now but I couldn't help that my muscles would lock involuntarily as a result of me being surprised.

One of the nurses had noticed my presence and called for someone to get me out of the room.

But it was too late.

I was forced to watch as you drowned in your own blood.

I only moved when I saw that a bit of blood was dripping from your unmoving lips. Like it was the most natural thing in the world I leaned forward and wiped it away.

Your flatline was ringing through my ears.

All the nurses eyes were going between you and I as I felt the first tear slip past.

My legs gave out as I clutched onto your limp arm. I was shaking as I buried my face into the bloody sheets surrounding your body.

You were dead.

Without even knowing I was in love with you.

Thinking that I only loved you as a friend.

I wanted to kill myself.

But that wasn't the answer. That wasn't what you'd want for me.

So I kept myself alive for your sake.

Why would I kill myself when you had died to protect me.
That would make your life worthless.

So I continued to live from that moment.

I talked to others.

I cried with others.

I even eventually found myself laughing with others.

I forced myself to exist.

Promising myself that when I was rejoined with you I'd tell you what I had failed to when you were alive.

So I forced myself to a place that was not too perfect but not too miserable.

I became locked between Heaven and Hell.

But I lived everyday day for the rest of my life for you.

I love you, Zitao.

I will eternally be yours.

I love you.

Am I too late?

 

 

 

 

 

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Well...that was an emotional rollercoster...

This took like five days of staying up till 2AM (<--love that group) just to finish since i only write angst better at night

I had made two goals for myself when writting this

1. Actually make a character die (I've tried in the past...but i couldn't bring myself to it in the end)

2. Make the readers cry (or at east feel like crying)

Tell me if i suceeded with #2 please!!  ^-^

Cause i know i managed to make my friend cry...you know who you are...

Thank you for reading!!!! Comment positively in the comment section below or negtively in my private messages please!!!

I want to seperate the comments!!!!