Jongdae’s always laughing. He goes to work in the morning, laughing and making jokes. He goes to lunch laughing, he goes to the bar after work laughing and drinking with friends. He laughs with the people on the bus ride home. He greets the door lady laughing. But then for some reason Jongdae can’t quite explain, he’s in house and he’s not laughing. He doesn’t know why but when he’s driving alone he doesn’t feel like laughing. When he’s in the bathroom he’s not laughing. When he lies in bed at night he doesn’t laugh at all. He doesn’t even sleep much, he just lies and stares at the ceiling not laughing at anything, even though it’s all his friends seem to think he does.

Jongdae likes hanging out with Yifan and Tao. He likes hanging out with Yifan and Tao because they’re both so in love and so not his type that Jongdae knows he’ll never fall for either of them. But Jongdae doesn’t like hanging around with them at the same time because as he said they’re so in love and it makes Jongdae feel really uncomfortable whenever he’s near them. Jongdae laughs when he’s with them, but inside he feels like not laughing at all.

Jongdae’s best friend is Yixing. Jongdae likes Yixing and Yixing is so his type that he fell in love almost right away, because that’s the way Yixing is, he captivates him. But Yixing fell for someone else, a guy called Lu Han, and now they’re going steady. Jongdae doesn’t like Lu Han, because Lu Han likes so many of the people he likes. And Lu Han is way better than Jongdae, because all Jongdae does is laugh. Jongdae knows it’s not surprising that Lu Han got Yixing, because Lu Han is so cool and to be honest he’s pretty nice and when they all hang out together Jongdae feels really, really dumb because all he does is crack jokes and drink alcohol and he doesn’t really have any talents. But for some reason Yixing still wants to be his friend, so Jongdae feels grateful about that. Jongdae feels grateful that his friends put up with him, even when he knows he doesn’t deserve it.

Jongdae also likes hanging out with girls, girls who are younger than him and immature because if they’re older and pretty Jongdae might be attracted to them and that . Jongdae likes hanging out with Krystal because she’s so young and crazy and flirts with everything that Jongdae thinks it’s really weird and Jongdae likes hanging out with Amber because she’s so gay that Jongdae knows he’ll never even think about it.

Jongdae just likes hanging out with people, because when he’s not with people he feels a little bit lost and kind of cold.

Jongdae once liked this other guy, called Joonmyun, who was perfect for Jongdae because he was so gentle and kind and always cared for people. Jongdae fell in love, of course, and Joonmyun wasn’t so big on that idea. Jongdae just sat at the bar and told Yixing about it and laughed, and he laughed all night long but when he went home, he cried.

Jongdae once had drinks with a guy called Jongin, a guy who was really bitter because he loved Lu Han for a long, long time. They talked and talked at one bar about Lu Han and Yixing and Jongin felt really bitter. Jongdae laughed, but inside he felt just like Jongin, cold and lonely.

Jongdae talked with Lu Han. Lu Han’s all smiles and butterflies and he’s had too many boyfriends, Jongdae thinks, but Lu Han’s so perfect that it’s really no wonder. Jongdae doesn’t fall in love with him, but only because he makes Jongdae feel uncomfortable. Lu Han introduces him to a friend of his, an ex-boyfriend called Minseok who apparently also studies Chinese. Jongdae started studying Chinese because of Yixing but Yixing only ever speaks Chinese with Lu Han so Jongdae thinks it’s kind of a lost cause.

Minseok and Lu Han do this flirty thing, where they talk about the latest soccer scores and hit each other with the back of the hand, even when Yixing is there. It makes Jongdae a little confused and when he asks Yixing about it, Yixing says he doesn’t mind because just friends can do that too and it’s all okay. Jongdae doesn’t agree because he thinks love should be something that is exclusive and really happy but Jongdae doesn’t say anything, he just laughs.

Minseok sits beside Jongdae a lot and smiles a lot and Jongdae tries not to talk to Minseok because wow Minseok is really Jongdae’s type and his heart feels all queasy when they’re together. Jongdae can’t really think of anything to do so he keeps making jokes and Minseok laughs with him, punching Jongdae on the arm and buying his drinks. Jongdae looks over occasionally to see Lu Han and Yixing smiling at each other and Jongdae looks at his hands and the ice in his whiskey glass, becoming aware of his wide smile plastered on his face and suddenly doesn’t understand why he can’t just get away from himself. Jongdae and Minseok laugh a lot and Jongdae feels all weird and cloudy and he has his number in his phone when Jongdae takes the bus home and he laughs all the way home and he laughs getting off of the bus and he keeps laughing all the way down the street even when the tears start falling down his face. Jongdae climbs into his apartment and it feels lonely and Jongdae turns on the TV because he needs the voices. And then he pours himself another glass of whiskey, wishing he had surround speakers as he laughs with the voices on the TV, before turning it off. Jongdae can feel his mouth awkwardly pulling back to its original position and he stands there, whiskey and hand and not laughing, before he drowns the glass and drops it on the floor, falling into the bed and wishing someone was there with him as tears soak through his pillow.

Jongdae and Minseok study Chinese together a lot, and Jongdae tries to stay away from Yixing and Minseok is a good person and doesn’t even ask why. Jongdae really, really likes Minseok and he feels like he’s in free fall and he can’t fly back up because he loves the feeling of falling but he knows what it’ll be like when he lands and that scares him so much because he thinks he forgot his parachute hiding underneath a carpet somewhere in Yixing’s house.

Minseok invites Jongdae out for Japanese food one day and Jongdae gets there Lu Han is there also and suddenly Jongdae feels inadequate. He eats his sushi and tries to watch soccer with Minseok and Lu Han but they keep talking and hitting each other playfully and Jongdae feels himself land when he looks at Minseok and wishes it Minseok was the one but then he looks at Lu Han and knows he’s not. Jongdae laughs as he wonders if anyone will ever be his and if he’ll ever be able to laugh when he goes home and he hears the painful answer singing around in his head and he feels himself stand up. Jongdae laughs as he says he has to go, grabbing his backpack and putting down enough money to pay three parts on the bill as he runs out. The sky is dark and rainy and Jongdae doesn’t have an umbrella but what else is new?

Jongdae laughs and tries to tell himself that he knew it was going to happen and that he knew he would crash, but inside he knows that the truth is he was still kind of hoping that this time would be different. It’s so funny, he thinks he could write a script out of it, all of his friends would love this joke. He tells it to himself, laughing because it comes out of his mouth and it’s really funny but inside he doesn’t think it’s funny all because the real Jongdae doesn’t want his heart to be just another joke.

Jongdae sits at his favourite bar, laughing with the bartender. He knows he’s a little bit tipsy when he barely knows who’s dragging him out and he doesn’t really know where he’s going but he looks up and it’s Minseok and he feels like something just shot him and he laughs to himself because his joke just got funnier. Minseok drags him to his apartment and sits him on the couch and asks him what movie he wants to see, and Jongdae just asks where Lu Han is, making some weird joke about soccer and Minseok answers that he had to go as well.

Jongdae doesn’t know what gets to him but he tells Minseok about Yixing and about Joonmyun and about all these other people that he’s loved that never really cared too much for him. He doesn’t knows why he’s talking about it but he thinks maybe it’s because he feels really desperate and just wants someone to love him and that’s just too funny so he starts laughing.

Minseok tells Jongdae he knows that, and that he understands because he thinks Jongdae is actually a really cool person and has a pretty soft heart, which is really terrible because all the best people have these soft hearts. Jongdae laughs because that’s really cheesy, even though he can feel his own heart crumbling. Jongdae looks anywhere but Minseok because he can feel his insides panicking, even though he keeps laughing. Jongdae hates himself the most at his moment, because he wishes he could say how he felt but actually he’s just so stupid that he makes all these bad jokes with bad timing and with each new joke Jongdae feels like his heart is breaking.

Minseok tells Jongdae to shut up because he’s rambling. Jongdae stops talking but he’s still giggling and he looks up. Minseok’s eyes can see right through Jongdae and he keeps laughing because he thinks it’s funny how useless he is. Jongdae tells Minseok how useless he is, and he says that’s it’s hilarious. Jongdae’s wondering why Minseok’s not laughing too and he feels all this guilt at boring him and this insignificance because he knows he looks so wrong and so not worthy of any kind of love.

Minseok looks at Jongdae and asks him if he’s had enough. Yes, Jongdae laughs, making all these ty jokes about his bad love life and Minseok kind of gives him this look and Minseok says he agrees and Jongdae has definitely had enough.

Jongdae loses it there, because he just wants Minseok to love him and he thinks it would be the best punchline ever if suddenly all this ends and he’s not ever lonely ever again, especially because Minseok agrees and for some reason he likes Jongdae and wants his pain gone and Jongdae just wishes so much, so much that he could shut up and say the right thing for once. But he has some stupid curse and just keeps on laughing.

But as he said before, Minseok can see right through him and Minseok knows his eyes don’t match his smile and Minseok gives him this big, huge hug and Jongdae’s heart fills with all these emotions and as he laughs into Minseok’s shoulder he can suddenly feel himself crying too because above anything else Jongdae wants this to last because Jongdae falls hopelessly in love way too often and he wants to stop being lonely.

Minseok won’t stop telling Jongdae that he’s ing worth it.

Jongdae wakes up that morning, he’s sober again and then he looks beside him and Minseok’s there, and Jongdae suddenly smiles and is heart doesn’t feel all broken, it feels all happy and fluffy because he realizes that hey, Minseok came looking for him and brought him here and was there for him even when he wouldn’t stop telling stupid jokes and Jongdae maybe thinks he’s always laughing because he knew that no matter how many people made him feel lonely, there was one person waiting for him at the end and that person is Minseok.

And suddenly, Jongdae sorta likes the part of himself that won’t stop laughing.