He had responsibilites that he knew no one could handle wihout some sort of problems. He was the chauffeur, the secret keeper and of course the leader. He had an incredibly obvious weak spot for Zitao and Sehun and knew they needed him. They needed him to take charge if things got too out of hand at a photshoot or in the van.

The only time they wouldn't need him though was when Wu Fan was there. The older leader had a louder voice and just as much resonsibility. He tamed the wild bunch when Chanyeol or Baekhyun got too loud inside the small dorm. He took care of the scheduling details with the managers and even took over durng interviews.

Wu Fan was such a better leader that sometimes Junmyeon questions why he still gets the official leader label. He's in no shape to run a group of young men with too much testosterone and time on their hands. He's too shy for this position and everyone including company heads can tell how awkward he is. But sometimes Junmyeon needs someone like Wu Fan. But not to run the group or handle things, but to tell him it''ll be okay.

Because right now nothing feels okay. It doesn't feel okay to hide in the bathroom after everyone went to bed and stare at the withering figure in the mirror. It isn't okay to hate everything you ever see in the reflection, and he's aware of how messed up this all is. But what's more messed up is the blood in the bathtub.

Junmyeon presses just that much harder into his side and relaxes into the warm water. It burns the newly cut flesh but Junmyeon's convinced himself it feels nice. And maybe it did for the time being but he knew he'd regret it again later. He always regretted it at practices when sweat would run under the bandage.

Junmyeon sobs into the silence of the dorm and gets nothing in response but he hadn't expected to. He never gets the comfort he craves for. He fantasizes what the others would think if they burst into the room to see all the bloody water. Would they be disgusted? Or would they be upset?

Junmyeon cries harder because he thinks it's be the latter, that they'd all hate him for what he's doing. They'll hate him for messing up the perfect group dynamics and the perfect fantasy they live in. But he doesn't fall for that fantasy anymore. The flashing lights mean nothing to him anymore.

All hard work is just useless time now.

"Are you even paying attention?" Luhan asks irritated that this is the at least the 5th time Junmyeon has messed up chereography. The first time he accidently hit Minseok in the face. The second time he accidently stepped on Jongdae's hands and the other had even started crying.

The third time he fell and nearly busted his knee on the hardwood. The fourth time he backed into Wu Fan, who just smiled and nudged him back into position. This time he had knocked Luhan over during a jump.

"Sorry." He mutters and holds his sides. That last accident had Luhan hitting the still fresh cuts behind the bandages littering his skin under the sweat soaked shirt. "Sorry? This is the countelss times you've messed up, hyung." Sehun is panting and leaning against Jongin against the mirrors.

"I'm sorry." He says again because that's all he's ever been able to say. He knows his eyes aren't burning because of the sweat. They're burning because he's tearing up and he's hoping no one will see it under the brim of his hat. "Jongdae could've gotten seriously hurt. Then where would we be? We couldn't continue promotions because the chereography is for twelve." Luhan bites.

And he's finally crying. He's usually better at stopping himself but it's getting harder to do as the days drag by. "Are you crying, hyung?" Zitao asks in his usually adorable broken Korean. "No." Junmyeon likes to think he's a natural born liar but he knows he's not even trying to sound concincing now.

"Suho, I didn't mean to make you this upset." Luhan frowned and put his hand on the younger's shoulder. Junmyeon wiped at his eyes and coughed away the lump that has taken up permanent residence in his windpipe. "I don't know what you're talking about." He smiles up at Luhan though it falters slightly.

"What?" Luhan asks but Junmyeon just shrugs his hand off. "I'm fine. Let's just run through the chereo again." Junmyeon patted the shirt over his side and winced. "I promise I'll get it right this time." Junmyeon walks past everyone and gets into the starting position. He was already ready to go home.

He fails the new chereo once more, though no one seems to notice the minute mistep, and he just gives up. The others are still moving around the practice room and he's just standing there. Looking past all of them at his reflection in the mirriored walls. He's staring at the others blurs as they move about.

The ending note of the song drags from the speakers and everything stops. It just stops. The members stop dancing, the music dies out and the clock stops altogether. His heart stops when he realizes they're all looking at him. They're all looking at him in worry and he's disgusted by it. He doesn't like them judging him.

He bolts from the room as fast as his loose sneakers will allow. He opts out of the elevator and goes for the stairs, once again wincing at the pain in his side. He finds the managers and convinces them he doesn't feel good and that he's going to lie down in the van for awhile. With the way he looks they easily believed him and passed him the keys.

Junmyeon crawled into the backseat and curled against the rough fabric. He knew the others would come out. They'd come with questions and accusations and curiousity that Junmyeon can't afford. He knows they might tell the menagement team. He knows they think he's weak. So he just waits for it to hit the fan, and cries.

He smiles for the cameras like they've been taught and drilled on. He goes through the pre-written script for the radio show. He answers the members when they address him. He chats with Shindong when he needs to or should or the script says to. He goes with the punches because that's what he's trained to do.

He gets up to sing Baby Don't Cry with the others. He rather not sing live like this because he hates his voice, no matter what everyone else tells him. His voice isn't as smooth as Kyungsoo's. He couldn't hit the notes Baekhyun could, heck he'd even take Chanyeol's rapping part over his. He hoped no one felt the akwardness.

He tried not to tear up while singing, and in doing so he's sure he's pulling some strange faces. But if he needed to make as many funny faces as possible to cover the quiver in his voice, he'd keep it up. He'd keep up making the other memebers side eye him every so often until the song ended.

Shindong compliments them all after the show ends. He compliments Zitao on his aegyo win and Baekhyun for his voice. He thanks Minseok for the sandwich mission even if he didn't get to eat any. But neither did Junmyeon so he doesn't really feel bad for Shindong. He compliments everyone on everything.

Junmyeon waits for his time to come. Waits for his senior to praise him or pat his back or even smile his way off camera. Junmyeon waits but it doesn't happen. Shindong bids them all farewell and then they're escorted out of the cramped studio. Junmyeon is still waiting for anything to be said but nobody's talking.

Nobody talks above a whisper until they pile into the vans. Almost immediately Chanyeol and Baekhyun pick up where they left off in their rap battle they got into on the way here. Junmyeon is sandwiched as usual between an instantly passed out Jongdae and a looming Wu Fan. Junmyeon twists the cap around so it shields his face.

"I'll wake you up when we get to the dorms." Wu Fan says and the younger hears the smile. But Junmyeon wasn't tired anymore. If anything he was more alert than ever because he was still waiting. Waiting for anything though he didn't know what caused his heart to jump into his airway.

They win their first music program award and everyone is estatic. They pass the mic to him and he's beginning to cry. He thanks all the right people, not forgeting to mention his parents. He repeats and can't finish speaking before he starts downright sobbing. There are others comforting him but he can't stop.

They bow and shake hands and some even hug other idols. Wolf starts to play and everyone starts to sing along. Jongin is crying with Sehun and Jongdae. Junmyeon just stands around and tries to catch his breath. He's worked so hard for this moment but it doesn't feel like it should. He doesn't feel like he hoped he would.

They go out to drink after the following fan meet and greet.  The too young members bicker about having to go back to the dorms. Luhan, Minseok, Kyungsoo and Yixing go back to the dorms too because they can't handle alcohol and Luhan rather not have a hangover in the morning.

Junmyeon's second bottle is to his lips when Wu Fan pulls it away from him. "You've had enough, don't you think?" He asks and sits the bottle on the table on the other side of him, putting himself between the soju and Junmyeon. "Not yet." Junmyeon reaches for the bottle but Wu Fan stops him again.

Baekhyun is getting louder the longer he drinks and Chanyeol tries to out-do him by getting louder. They're annoying drunks. Wu Fan is a calm drunk as he's still sipping his first bottle. Junmyeon is an angry drunk. He found that out after their Chinese debut showcase when he slapped Jongdae for touching him.

"Give!" Junmyeon got louder to combat the background noise and went to move around Wu Fan again. And again he was stopped by a large yet gentle hand on his arm. "Just relax. You don't need alcohol to enjoy the company." Junmyeon comes to the conclusion that Wu Fan is also a moronic drunk.

"Give!" Junmyeon repeats and downright shoves Wu Fan out of the way. Wu Fan's bottle spills all over his shirt and everyone goes silent as Junmyeon grabs his own bottle back. "I'm paying," He takes a long and slow sip. "I drink if I want." He slurs and finishes off what's left of the bottle.

And then he's ordering a third.

They have a day off whch is rare in itself. But it isn't unusal that everyone disappears before Junmyeon even gets out of bed. The only ones home are Wu Fan, Jongin and Yixing. They're all watching a movie in the living room. They've invited Junmyeon to join but he declines for the sake of his dwindling sanity.

He spends his time with the bedroom door lock with the excuse he has a headache and doesn't want to be disturbed. He curls up on the floor between the foot of the bed and the wall that's littered with random posters and pictures from pre-debut to now. His shirt has been discarded next to him and his hands are shaking.

There's a box of blades and first-aid materials open in front of him. His fingers are numb on the cold metal of the small blade when he touches skin. It's stil sensitive from previous abuse but he just tells himself it feels good. And it does in the end. It feels right when he can see crimson on his fingers when he pulls away.

Most times he'd press a gauze to it or maybe even his hand. Most times he would've been working to stop the blood by now. Most times isn't this time. He just lets it bleed out until it drips onto his belt and ultimately his pants. He knows Kygunsoo will ask when he does laundry and Junmyoeon will just tell him another lie.

He only faintly hears someone knocking on the door through the blood pounding in his ears. He just keeps his eyes shut and doesn't move. If they think he's asleep or something they'll hopefully go away and leave him to his stupid self-pity. They won't have to see him like this. A mess of blood and tears.

"Suho?" Someone calls through the door and he knows only Yixing calls him that off camera. "What?" He yells back though he doesn't know how loud he actually is, his head is starting to spin. "You okay?" Yixing's Korean makes Junmyeon chuckle but stop at the pain in his side. "Fine!" Junmyeon lies.

"You sure? You don't sound fine." Jongin says and Junmyeon gets nervous that all of them are there. "I said I'm fine!" He yells and hauls himself up from the floor. He had to prove he was alright then they'd go away and leave him alone again. He gets vertigo right away and claws at the bed frame for support.

He used the wall for more support as he headed for the bedroom door that seemed to be moving. The whole room was spinning and Junmyeon felt like pucking and he definitely wanted off this ride. He finally got to the door and swung it open. All three other members were standing there, shoulder-to-shoulder in the doorway.

"Oh my God! You're bleeding!" Jongin's the first to react and Junmyeon looks down at the free flowing blood on his skin. He looks back up at them but the sudden movement makes his mind go black and he falls foreward. He takes someone down with him as he falls and then it's finally silent.

There's a minute beeping when he wakes up and he can't move his arm. His head is still swimming and the white ceiling looks distorted in the low light of the room. He can smell cleaning fluid and someone's strong perfume. The scratchy material surrounding him causes his skin to crawl. It's a hospital.

"You're awake." A soft voice says from somewhere next to him. But Junmyeon can't turn his head because he's so dizzy. The voice sounds foreign though he recognizes it. But he doesn't recognize the slight tremor in the tone the person used or the hitch at the end. Whoever it is seems just as anxious.

Junmyeon blinks and suddenly Wu Fan is standing in his field of vision. "What?" Junmyeon's throat is hoarse and dry. "What happened?" He asks and glances down at the IV in his arm at the elbow. There's another one in his hand and he just now notices the oxygen tank beside the bed. Or the crash cart next to it.

"You passed out from blood loss." Wu Fan's voice was a lot softer than it should be and it confused Junmyeon. "Blood loss?" Junmyeon repeats and asks because he barely remembers anything other than a bright white light when he opened his eyes earlier. "Yeah, from this." Wu Fan moves closer.

He hikes up the hospital top to reveal several large bandages taped to his skin in awkward places. And suddenly Junmyeon remembers everything. How deep he had cut this time and falling all over a member and probably scarring them with his blood. Junmyeon just prays it wasn't poor Yixing.

"Shh. We'll talk about it later." Wu Fan pushes his fingers into Junmyeon's hair and pushes it out of his face. Junmyeon is crying and the heart rate monitor picks up on it but not enough to alert all the nurses. He's just now realizes the arm with the IVs is tied to the bed but the other one is free.

So he brings it up to rest against the side of Wu Fan's neck. "I'm sorry." He apologizes because that's all he knows how to do anymore. Is apologize even if he feels he did nothing wrong in the first place. Apologize and then turn around and do the same thing again. It's become almost routine.

"I'm so sorry, Kris." Junmyeon is starting to sob and the monitor goes beserk. It takes less than a couple seconds for a nurse to peek into the room. "He okay?" She asks and moves into the room. "Yeah. He's gonna be okay." Wu Fan says and backs away for the nurse. "It's time to take more blood anyways."

She tells Wu Fan to move to the other side of the bed so she can work and he easily complies. "I'm not gonna lie. This might burn, sweetheart." She looks from Wu Fan to Junmyeon and then back to his arm. Wu Fan's quick to grab ahold of Junmyeon's free hand and squeeze. Junmyeon looks at him instead of the needle the nurse is about to draw blood with.

When she starts to draw blood from the tubing in his arm, it burns at the IV site and she presses down for more blood. Junmyeon pulls Wu Fan down to bury his face in the other's neck and shoulder. His hand lets go of Wu Fan's to go into the fine hair at Wu Fan's neck, securing him in place so the older can't pull away again.

Wu Fan goes stiff, one hand gripping the bed for support and the other against Junmyeon's face. To block Junmyeon's view of the nurse. "All done." She announces and it burns again when the needle is gone. "We can unstrap you now. The doctor has taken you off suicide watch for now, under the advice of your company."

The strap is undone and Junmyeon eases his hand up to weakly grip at Wu Fan's shoulder though his oversized shirt. The nurse leaves with a simple click of the door as she leaves. Junmyeon's still crying and refusing to let go of Wu Fan even as the older tries to pry the hands off because it's an uncomfortable position.

"Please." Junmyeon begs in a whisper. "Please stay." He's desperate now more than ever. He's desperate for someone to hold him and just let him cry it all out. Just cry until he passes out again or runs out tears. He's got years of tears to go through and it doesn't appear to be stopping anytime soon.

"I'm not going anywhere." Wu Fan pushes the hair away from the younger's face again and presses their forheads together. "Junmyeon, I'm not leaving you." Wu Fan made it a point to remain with a calm voice as to not startle the other. Though on the inside he was anything but calm and collected.

Junmyeon is sitting on his bed and staring at the spot the box use to be. He's crying but this is the one time he can't pinpoint why or how he even feels. Wu Fan comes in after the managers leave with his pecious box. He sits next to Junmyeon but doesn't touch him, just sits and stares along with Junmyeon.

That's the way it's been since he got home from the hospital. No one will touch him unless he initiates it because they're scared of upsetting him in some way or hurting him. So Junmyeon slips under Wu Fan's much longer arm and presses his face into the other's chest. Wu Fan's hands come up to cradle his head.

"Wanna talk about it?" He asks and starts Junmyeon's hair, well more like patting it back into place. Junmyeon just shakes his head because he doesn't know what there is to talk about. It's not a awkward silecne that falls over them it's just uncomfortable now with Wu Fan so close. It's uncomfortable but Junmyeon refuses to pull away.

Wu Fan can't say no to Junmyeon when he asks him to sleep with him tonight. Junmyeon obviously is distraught about something and Wu Fan knows he's needed. So he agrees and they lie down and Junmyeon re-tangles himself into Wu Fan's arms and chest. Afterall, Wu Fan did make a promise that he wasn't going to leave.

And Wu Fan always made good with his promises.