I didn’t even know what to feel anymore. My legs felt numb, my chest felt like someone was restricting me from breathing and my throat was closing up and without my permission tears started to flow yet again. I wasn’t sure what to feel. Should I feel angry at him? Should I be happy he told me the truth? Should I yell at him to get out of our house? I don’t even know. I feel like every ounce of life in me has been drained out. The cold rain felt good on my hot skin from running so much.

The worst thing about this whole thing is that I can’t even hate him. No matter how much I try, I can’t. Every word is still fresh in my mind.

Flashback..

Why do I have to love him so much? Even after he broke my heart to pieces and is standing there staring at me, why do I still have the urge to just run into his arms for comfort? Why is it that his big brown chocolate orbs staring at me, still makes my heart beat faster even now just like the first time? Why is it that I feel like killing him yet I can’t think of a life without him?

“Taemin, baby, please stop crying. It’s killing me to watch you breakdown like that. Atleast let me hold you. Please Tae”

He has the guts to tell me to stop crying after what he told me. He has the nerve to ask me to let him hold me. Yet I simply just look at him with tears flowing down my cheeks, with no reply. What makes him think that I will run into his arms just like that?

“I know what I did was terrible. God, that’s the craziest thing I have ever done. But Tae she needed me. Her parents were abusive and she has a horrible past and when we started talking we just clicked Tae. She needs me, but I need you so much more. You have no idea how hard it was for me when I realized that I might have feelings for her too. I wanted to let it go, but I can see this gap between us increase and I don’t want that. You are still the only person I go to. You are my life Taemin. But I don’t know what to do. She is so caring and kind and amazing. Then there is you. You are perfect beyond words”

I only seem to cry harder as those words flow out of his mouth. My heart only breaks further with his words. She needs her but yet he says he needs me? I am his life he says, then why is it so hard for him to stay with me. What does he even think I am? Does he even have to choose when he says I am his life? Is she really the only person he is thinking of here? What does he even expect me to say? I have so many questions, yet no answer.

“Say something Taemin-ah. Please love, you are scaring me. Speak something Tae, anything, please I can’t stand your silence baby. It’s killing me”

“What do you want me to say Minho? That everything is just fine and ing dandy? That you did not just break my heart into a million pieces and that everything is going to be okay? The reality is it won’t be Minho. Not after this. It never will be”

“Tae please don’t say that. God, please I can’t imagine my life without you. Please give me time to think Tae. It’s the distance between us and our busy schedules that brought us to where we are baby. Im so extremely sorry” he says with tears flowing down his cheeks.

I let out a bitter laugh. “If you are expecting me to say, that I will give you time to make up your mind and choose, you are ing delusional. You lost me the minute you started having feelings for her Minho. You lost me when you decided she was more important to you than your boyfriend of 4 years. Minho, if you really thought I would accept you and come running to you after you apologize, you are ing wrong. What did you say? That it was the busy life that was the cause of this situation? Wow you . If I am not wrong, it was you who delayed every one of our dates in the past 2 months telling me you have to study with you friend or that you were working on a project. I guess you call ing a a project huh?”

I choke back a sob as I feel a stinging pain on my left cheek from his slap.

“Oh ! I am so sorry baby. I didn’t mean to hit you, but talking about her like that is plain wrong. She didn’t even know I had a boyfriend until 2 weeks ago”

This enrages me more than it should. Not only did he cheat on me, but he is actually defending her now.

“I am extremely sorry baby. , I cant tell you how sorry I am, but she really needed me Taemin. What would you have done if you were in my situation? Think about it Taemin-ah”

“What would i have don you ask? I dont know maybe think about the fact that i have a boyfriend who loves me, that nothing in this world matters to me more than him. I most definitely wouldnt have cheated on you with her and tell you that i am sorry and ask you to give me time to choose who i love. that isnt love Minho. God, I left everything I knew for you. I guess along the way you forgot that you ARE my life Minho. Everything I did was for you. Even now I don’t hate you. God I can’t even bring me to hate you. I can only wonder where I went wrong. Was I not good enough Minho? Was my love not enough for you, was I too ugly for you or was it because I am guy? What was it Minho? I only wanted you to be happy baby. I wanted us to be happy” I fall to my knees gripping on to his shirt, bringing him down with me.

“God, no it wasn’t you Tae. You are perfect. You are beyond perfect. I don’t know what happened to me when I did that. You did nothing wrong. In fact you did everything right. It was me Taemin, it is me who is wrong” he cries.

I can only cry harder because he is not telling me what he intends to do. What is he expecting from me? His words only further break my heart. I can’t even breathe properly and my breath is ragged. He isn’t sorry he cheated on me though, he is only sorry that he got caught isn’t he? Yes I was the one who told him to be honest with me about everything, yet I can’t handle this. I feel like my insides are being ripped apart and served on a silver platter for him to stab it further and engulf it down his throat.

“You are the strongest one out of us three Taemin. You strength never ceased to amaze me and seeing you break down like this is killing me. Be strong for me Taemin. Please teach me how to be strong. I am so torn between you both. I don’t know what to do” he rasps out.

“ Even the strongest have a breaking point baby. You see me as strong, but do you really not know that is because of you im strong. If you love two people at the same time choose the second one, because if you really loved the first one you wouldn’t have fallen for the second, they say Minho. I have only ever wanted you to be happy and that is what I still want for you” I smile through my tears.

He just seems to cry harder and it is breaking my heart to see him this way. I really want to hold him in my arms and tell him things are going to be okay, but is it really going to be? “Teamin-ah please don’t say that. I love you Taemin. I always have and I will. Please don’t talk as though you are going to leave me. I need you Taemin but she needs me” he says through his tears.

That is my last straw. It doesn’t matter how broken  I am but I can’t stand him talking about her. I need to get away from him. I don’t ever want to see his face, not because I hate him no, but because I am afraid I will fall back into his arms if I do. So I build up enough courage to look at him one last time and kiss him on his warm lips that are so addictive.

 “Do you really think I don’t need you Minho-ssi? Was she the only one who needed you? Did it not occur to you even once that maybe I needed you more than she ever did? That’s okay though because I want you to be happy no matter whom you are with. Thanks for the most wonderful 4 years of my life. Goodbye Minho-ssi” with that I run out of the door without waiting for his reply or looking back because I know if I do, I wont be able to escape from that beautiful man.

End of flashback

I never thought this day would come, yet life is full of surprises. Some are pleasant and some break you into something you cant recognize. I guess my mistake was that I trusted him more than I trusted myself, maybe If I hadn’t I wouldn’t feel like dying as every second passes by….I love you Minho and I know I will for as long as I am alive, because you were the only one who made me understand what love is...

Sorry if its crappy guys. I just wanted to try a angsty oneshot and my mood just obliged with the oneshot.