To Be Alive Is Not To Live

The Tin Man and the Lion

It was almost midnight at the Seoul CSI headquarters. Nearly everybody had gone home, ready to hit the hay after a long day of working. Only a few people were left behind in the station- the janitors, the branch director, and the odd crime scene agent, staying after hours to finish with whatever business they had to attend to.

 

Incidentally, Woohyun happened to be one of those agents. It was 11:56 PM, according to his watch, but the indifferent man was still at his cubicle, notes out, pen in hand, and attention on the investigation. Roughly half an hour after they'd returned from the park, the intelligence division had given them a profile of the second victim. His name, Park Donghoon. Age, forty-five years old. He had worked as a fairly successful lawyer, handling cases in a small-time law corporation. He had no money problems, no family issues, not even any work mishaps that could have brought on his untimely end.

 

And, like Kangta had mentioned before, he had absolutely no connection to the first victim, Jung Ara.

 

It was strange; the whole thing was looking strange. The victims, their histories, the methods of killing... None of it made sense. Why had Jung Ara been chosen? Why Park Donghoon? What did they have to do with each other, with the killer? And what about the pattern of lacerations on their bodies? It was all a mess of jumbled puzzle pieces, and Woohyun felt like he was missing the biggest piece of them all.

 

The sound of a chair being pulled out interrupted his thoughts. Pausing in his work, Woohyun looked up to see Sunggyu joining him at his desk.

 

"So. Did you get anything so far?" the brunet asked, nodding at the spread of papers. He sounded tired and a bit frustrated, which perfectly matched the stressed expression he wore. There was none of the previous politeness or civilized words he had used before. It was as if Sunggyu had never given the cold shoulder treatment to his partner in the first place. "I've been going over Park Donghoon's profile ever since Youngjae gave it to us, but I can't seem to find any leads in it. No links or clues pointing to the killer's identity."

 

Woohyun raised a brow. Slowly setting down his pen, he appraised the man sitting in front of him. "So," he said with a slightly mocking undertone, completely disregarding the question, "You're talking to me again?"

 

Sunggyu evenly met his gaze. As Woohyun stared back, he couldn't help but notice the faint shadows etched underneath his eyes. A part of the younger agent wondered just how big of a toll the investigation was taking on him. It had only been three days, but already Sunggyu looked like he had pulled some all-nighters in an effort to solve the case.

 

'Or maybe it's me.'  The sudden image of a frowning weaponry agent appeared in his mind, looking both disapprovingly and pityingly at the two partners. 'Maybe Yongguk was right. What was it he said? I'm driving Sunggyu up the wall? Funny way to put it, but I suppose...'

 

The older man cleared his throat. "Yes. We're talking again. If you must know, I realized that it was stupid of me, to just avoid you like how I did. Stupid, petty, and maybe a little childish."

 

"Meaning Yongguk lectured you too, huh?"

 

"... Yes," Sunggyu admitted. He ignored Woohyun's snicker as he continued with his explanation. "But that doesn't mean he's forcing me to do this. I'm talking to you now because I want to, and because I'm getting sick of it all."

 

He paused. Giving his companion another serious look, he continued, "We're partners, Woohyun. I don't know if you understand, but if we're going to be a part of the CSI force, we need to learn how to work together. It's been two years already. I can't do this without you, and you can't do this without me. And working together isn't just solving cases with each other. It's also about listening, communicating, and understanding. Do you get what I mean?"

 

Woohyun leaned back in his chair. "Oh, sure," he answered easily. He wore a light expression as he regarded the weary-looking man before him. "You want to have a heart-to-heart. You know, the kind of chat people have in front of campfires and stuff. Should I go fetch my guitar before we start? Add to the cozy atmosphere?"

 

Sunggyu stared, a hint of disbelief colouring his eyes. "I don't know if you're acting stupid or actually don't get what I'm saying. Is it really that hard to understand?"

 

Woohyun chose not to answer.

 

After a tense, drawn-out moment of silence, Sunggyu exhaled. "Fine. Alright. I know you're a smart guy, Woohyun. I'll just hope you're acting like a fool and leave it at that."

 

"Does that mean we can get back to work now?" Woohyun's tone was still mild, but a different emotion gleamed in his eyes. "We have two murders on our hands, Sunggyu. I hope you  know that the killer won't catch himself."

 

There was a brief moment of silence. Sunggyu, who had been about to stand and leave his partner's desk, paused in mid-action. His dark eyes searched Woohyun's own, looking for something that he knew would not be there. Exactly what  he was trying to find, Woohyun didn't know. He wasn't even sure if Sunggyu knew himself.

 

After another minute, Sunggyu slowly sat back down in his seat. Some of the weariness had disappeared from his face. Instead, it had been replaced by a hardened expression, one that had a sharper, more piercing edge to it. "Alright. We can get back to finding the murderer. Since this is the most focused I've ever seen you on a case, I won't bother you any longer. But before I go, answer one last question for me." He leaned in closer with flashing eyes.

 

"Why, Woohyun? Why are you like the way you are? Why do you act the way you do?"

 

"Is that supposed to be some kind of riddle, Sunggyu?" Woohyun raised a brow. "I'm like the way I am because it's how I was born. I act the way I do because it's my job. The criminals run, I chase them. That's how it works in the crime scene business, if you didn't know. By the way, that was more than one question."

 

The brunet ignored his sarcastic response. He carried on as if Woohyun had never spoken up. "Don't tell me that you don't know the answer. Always running off, always acting like you don't give a damn... Give me the truth, Nam Woohyun." Sunggyu still had the sharp look in his eyes, but a note of pleading entered his voice. It was like he was truly tired of their constant arguing and childish ignoring. Like he wanted to end the exhausting cycle of chasing and scolding once and for all.

 

"Why are you so reckless all the time? Do you really not care that much if you live or die?"

 

Woohyun tilted his head. "... You'll hate me for saying this, but I don't know," he answered at last. The inspector glanced down at his case notes. He wasn't really reading them, though. It was more like he was looking at them without really seeing what was there. "Sorry to ruin the heartfelt moment, but I really don't know. Sometimes, when I see the killer running away from us, it's not my mind that reacts. It's my body. I chase after him without even realizing it. I don't care if he has a knife, a gun, or a gang of thugs to back him up. That sort of thought never crosses my mind." Raising his head, he gave a sideways glance to his partner.

 

"I thought you would have known that by now, Sunggyu. After all, that's all our conversations ever seem to consist of."

 

Sunggyu dismissed the last comment. "I don't believe that," he said quietly. "You don't know?  You have no idea why you're so damn careless all the time? Stop joking around for once and think, Woohyun. Everything has a purpose. You can't be reckless just because. There's a reason why you act the way you do. Even if you don't know what it is, it's there."

 

He narrowed his eyes and studied his companion's form closer. "Whatever that reason is, I'm going to find it. You're telling me you don't know, but I think that deep down, a part of you does  know. You're just not fully aware of it yet."

 

Woohyun had been quiet during Sunggyu's little speech. Now, as the older man came to an abrupt stop, he raised his eyes and nodded in an amused fashion. "Okay. You want a reason? You want to know why I don't care about my own life?"

 

He continued. As he spoke, his lips quirked upwards, stretching out into a humourless little smile. "Think about it this way, Sunggyu. You said just before that everything has a purpose. If that's the case, then we all have a reason for being here on Earth. We exist, not just to take up space, but to carry out some kind of goal. Whether that goal was given to us by fate or was a choice of freedom, I'm not sure. All I'm certain of is this: I don't have one."

 

Still smiling blandly, he reached down to tap the papers strewn on his desk. "Sure, I'm a CSI agent. I wake up every day to come to work, solve murder cases, and catch the baddies flawing our justice system. But that's not my purpose. I guess you could say that I don't even have a reason at all. Nothing to keep me worried about staying alive 'til the next day. I just don't have a purpose in life."

 

Glancing round, Woohyun added, "As long as we're being honest, I might as well tell you that I don't care. It doesn't concern me, whether or not I have a reason to live. Why should it? Having one won't make me any more invincible than I am now."

 

Woohyun expected to hear a frustrated shout from his partner. Maybe a roll of the eyes, or a heavy sigh or two. But what he actually got was even more surprising than the usual: nothing. Sunggyu didn't say or give him anything. Instead, the brunet merely glanced at him from across the desk. His eyes were shadowed by his bangs, but even from where he was sitting, Woohyun could see what was reflected there. Exhaustion, irritation, and a little hint of... sadness?

 

Sunggyu shook his head. Rising from his chair, he sent a sort of resigned look in Woohyun's direction. Fine, it seemed to say, you win this round. The older agent cleared his throat and gestured at the mess of papers on the desk. "Come on, Tin Man. It's already past midnight. Your car's still getting repairs at the auto shop, isn't it? Clean up your stuff and let's go; I'll drive you home."

 

The younger man gazed at him. Somehow, in the dimly lit room, Sunggyu's face looked like it had aged at least ten years. There were shadows underneath his eyes, tired lines running across his face, and a pale, almost gaunt pallor to his complexion. But more than that... More than that, there was an expression of defeat he wore. Defeat, with a hint of the sadness that had shown before. It was the look of someone who had attempted at something for far too long, only to come to a bitter and painful realization at the end.

 

Breaking his stare, Woohyun decided that he, too, would stand up from his chair. "Fine," he said, starting to gather his belongings. "Take me home, Lion."

 

--------

 

The car ride home was a silent one. Woohyun's house was only fifteen minutes away from HQ, but it seemed to take forever to reach his neighbourhood. That was fine with the inspector, though. Forever meant he would have enough time to sort through the mess of thoughts running through his head. And, if one was really curious, there were plenty of those going round that he had to regrettably deal with.

 

Woohyun stared outside of the car window. Again, just like as he had with his notes, he wasn't really taking in the night scenery, but rather looking blankly past it all. He was too deep in his thoughts to appreciate the rich midnight sky. Instead, he was thinking about his and Sunggyu's conversation from earlier, replaying the words he had given to his all-too frustrated partner.

 

"I guess you could say that I don't even have a reason at all. Nothing to keep me worried about staying alive 'til the next day. I just don't have a purpose in life."

 

The inspector closed his eyes. Thinking back now, he had no idea why he'd said all of those things to Sunggyu. What was that all about?  Why had he blurted that nonsense out like it was nothing? The more Woohyun thought about it, the more puzzled he became. It wasn't like him, to speak so freely about his inner feelings-

 

"We're here."

 

The car halted to a stop. Lifting his gaze, Woohyun saw that they had indeed arrived at his house. Dark and unmoving, it didn't seem like the kind of home that was particularly welcoming towards guests. But whatever. It suited him just fine.

 

He turned to glance at his companion. Sunggyu wasn't looking at him, but rather outside of the front window. His hands were still gripping the steering wheel. Huh. Strange. It was almost like he didn't even want to see his partner's face or something.

 

Woohyun unbuckled his seatbelt. "I guess I'd better get going. Thanks for the ride," he said lightly.

 

But even as he stepped out of the car, Sunggyu still did not give a response.

 

The agent shrugged to himself as he walked towards the house door. Sunggyu was a big boy. If his feelings got hurt from a little talking- although Woohyun couldn't see how their earlier exchanges would have affected him- he could take care of himself. Reaching into his pocket, he dug around and pulled out a small set of keys. The inspector had to squint in the dim light to choose the right one.

 

Just as Woohyun was about to pull open his door, he heard his name being called loudly behind him.

 

"Woohyun! Wait a minute, Woohyun!"

 

It was Sunggyu. He had stepped out of his car and was now half-walking, half-running to where his friend was.

 

He didn't stop until he was right in front of his partner. "Hold on," he said, coming to an abrupt stop. Frowning, he opened his mouth as if to say more, but nothing else came out.

 

Woohyun looked at him in amusement. Ignoring his unlocked door, he turned around fully to face his companion. "Well? Speak up, Sunggyu. I don't have all night."

 

Sunggyu hesitated. It was like he wanted to speak (he must  have, unless he had suddenly called out to his partner for no apparent reason), but couldn't find the right words to explain himself. Either that, or he didn't even know why he had walked up to Woohyun in the first place. Had he merely acted on a whim? Did he actually have something meaningful to say? Perhaps it was a bit of both.

 

Tilting his head, Woohyun gestured for him to continue. "Come on, Sunggyu. We both have work tomorrow. Don't keep me waiting any longer."

 

A muscle twitched in the older man's jaw. Whether it was because of Sunggyu's internal struggle or Woohyun's mocking urges, he didn't know. But after another tense moment of hesitating, Sunggyu finally began to say what was on his mind. "Woohyun. What we talked about before- don't think that it's over. You might be done with the conversation, but I'm not prepared to let it go-"

 

At that moment, a new voice cut him off. It sounded familiar, like it belonged to a friend or acquaintance of the agents', but surprised as well, as if the CSI partners were the last things the person had expected to run into. "Sunggyu? Woohyun? What are you two doing here?"

 

It was Luhan.

 


 

[A/N]  Let's hear it for writer's block, everybody! The eternal enemy of writers, the destroyer of beautiful thoughts, and the reason why this chapter sounds so damn awkward and forced T____T But ooooh, Luhan! What is HE doing at Woohyun's house at midnight? Surely he's not the killer, stalking and preying on the agents? (Naaaah, come on, guys. It wouldn't be that obvious... Or is it? ;))

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inicolex33
#1
Chapter 11: I just finished reading this and dang, must I say that it was very interesting. I was thinking that it was Luhan but then I thought that it might've been too obvious. In the end, it was him. But didn't Luhan have a partner in crime? Didn't he say that there were two people involved? Or did I read that wrong? Either way, this was very pleasant to read (despite it being a crimeau) and hopefully you'll be updating soon. Afterall that, I really want to see what will happen to Sunggyu and Woohyun now. I'll be waiting, and thank you so much for what you have written so far. ^^
inspiritly_beauty
#2
Chapter 11: Just found this story. Actually the link on When the Mockingbird Strikes brought me here..
This is great! You surprised me every chapter. I thought Sunggyu woukd be the one who told his feeling to Woohyun first but really, it's unpredictable.
Looking for the last chapter...
Hope you'll make a time for it ^^
tamakikaname
#3
continue this one too pleaseeee T.T
WooMyungChang
#4
Chapter 11: This is one of my favorite stories on aff, kinda sad that it's ending so soon, but I loved the update!
minsoph74
#5
Chapter 11: Wow, what a roller coaster!!! Just read everything so far! I'm so behind in When the Mockingbird Strikes I figured I might as well read this before catching up and I am so glad I did!!!! Absolutely love this!!!! and Yongguk!!! I'm so happy that he's in this! Also, ecstatic that Woohyun finally came to his senses! and ahh woogyu so perfect together!!! Looking forward to the last chapter!
hotterthanasummer #6
Chapter 11: Aww~ Well done, Woohyun! xD <3
Looking forward to the final chapter.
xinshuang #7
Chapter 11: Oh my reading this after so long yet i still remember every single part of this fic and the ofhers and tbh somehow i like this verse much better than the other mostly because it has that more subtly of woogyu ness. But must say as usual your chapters are always awesome.
Fleurdesaison #8
Chapter 11: FINALLY Woohyun!