Woohyun had always thought that Sungyeol was awfully childish when things didn't count. It's not like he had disliked Sungyeol when he first showed up, late in the season as he was late in everything else, Woohyun later finds out. Woohyun sees lanky arms and brittle bones—sees awkwardness and feels it too. Sungyeol didn't seem to have much besides a tall frame, a loud personality, and a bright smile that hid emotions always. Woohyun didn't see deeper in, didn't look behind the layer of skin that grew around a heart belonging to Lee Sungyeol. He just thought Sungyeol would be dismissed after the CEO thought things through and found it was wrong to place Sungyeol in Infinite—that he'd be better as an actor or a MC or something—anything—that doesn't involve dancing.

With his height and his inability to pick up on dance moves, everyone was a bit frustrated. They'd been working so hard—why does Infinite need more than it already had? Especially someone who is did nothing right, ever? Woohyun had been bitter and everyone else had to. He feels extra guilty now that he looks back at it—he’s part of the reason why Sungyeol has no confidence whatsoever. It picks at his mind until he can’t close his eyes. Sunggyu told him not to worry, said that Sunggyu had hated each and every member that joined later than him, but that didn’t change anything. Hating someone was so wrong; hating Sungyeol was even worse.

Sungyeol always joked around, always turned oblivious to the hateful glares everyone else sent him. He fooled around and sometimes he says things so morbid, everyone feels chills down their spine. But back then, they didn’t know how true Sungyeol’s word had meant to him—how he lives in that reality about himself every damn day.

Woohyun turned in his bed, hears the floorboard creaks and sees light flooding in under the crack of their door. He hears sniffles, knows it’s Sungyeol (again) and knows somehow, this had happened because they hadn’t saw what was so special about him beforehand.

Sungyeol stayed behind in the practice room longer than anyone had. Even Hoya who devoted his entire life to dancing and moving with the beat, who enjoyed staying up to the early hours of morning completely lost in music, arrived to the dorm earlier than Sungyeol had. No one saw the effort, no one saw his dreams, they saw all the flaws (humanly flaws) in him and no one did anything but point and pick at them. Sungyeol had improved greatly, and by now they all had more or less accepted the fact he was staying in Infinite.

More trainees came and left, the CEO finding they didn’t fit only a week into their stay at the dorm. Tears and packing had become almost normal for them.

The numbers dwindled, skyrocketed, and at once, they had nearly ten people in their tiny dorm. Sungyeol seemed to be a permanent addition to their team, for he hadn’t packed yet (he didn’t plan to either). Woohyun had kept a close eye on him, feeling that he was obliged to do so. Sometimes, Woohyun had pitied him. Had given him advice and had helped him train until he was decent. Sungyeol sang and sand until he lost his voice. The CEO always seemed to have a soft spot for him. Woohyun began to see why.

It was a sweltering summer day, they were practicing, and all seven of them littered in one tiny packed room. The CEO marches in and declares their debut day and Sunggyu didn’t have something to say for the first time in a while. He kept his mouth shut, eyes disbelieving and wide with swimming emotions. 

Sungyeol had burst out crying, Myungsoo quietly pulling him to the side so he doesn’t drip snot everywhere. They seemed to have become best friend some time during a squabble they had a few weeks ago. Woohyun didn’t ask, he didn’t really talk to Sungyeol. He just observed, as he did with the other members, but especially Sungyeol. Something about him made Woohyun worried, made him feel uncomfortable with leaving him alone for too long.

Woohyun didn’t remember how he felt, but he remembered hugging everyone tightly, even the snot-dripping Sungyeol. Sungjong hadn’t been sharped tongued and manly back then—the air of innocence still hugged him and he gladly accepted the hug with a wide grin of his own. Dongwoo laughed and laughed and pat everyone on the back and hugged and cried, all at the same time. He dripped snot too, worse than Sungyeol even.

The room was wired with different emotions, but all of them were glad; glad it was over and glad they finally had something to work for. Later that day, Sunggyu had loosen his grip on their schedule and allowed them to order chicken and roam the soccer field, playing and laughing and bickering.

Sungyeol stood on the side with Myungsoo, limbs flailing as he spoke excitedly with Myungsoo, who was spaced out as he usually is. Sungyeol didn’t seem to mind talking to himself. Woohyun barely avoided getting hit in the face by a soccer ball. “Stop daydreaming!” Hoya shouted and he just then realized he was staring at Sungyeol. It had become a habit of sorts by that time and Woohyun risked one last glance at Sungyeol. He seemed happy and excited and Woohyun saw a glimpse of what was so special about Lee Sungyeol. He saw that gleam in his eyes and saw determination printed on his face. He saw a bit of who Lee Sungyeol was before his eyes snapped away and Hoya passed him the ball. Sunggyu grumbled on the sideline—he was referee for some reason.

Sungyeol joined the game later, Myungsoo trailing behind like a lost puppy. Sungyeol wasn’t very good at soccer, but he didn’t care as he fooled around and joked with Dongwoo, who in turn laughed at almost everything Sungyeol said. Sungyeol wasn’t just an idol, he was an entertainer. That’s something that’ll get them through, one of these days.

--

They’ve just started their career as idols and it’s already hectic. It’s not like they were very popular, they just had lots of practice scheduled. Everyone was still a little high off their first live performance in front of a decently large crowd, with fans chanting their names, with getting lost in lights that blinded them. But that didn’t matter when they felt the rush they did when they pranced around the slick stage, moving to the beat and turning and twisting.

Sungyeol didn’t have any lines. He tried his hardest to conceal the disappointment that flashed through his entire body when they first got the lyrics. His entire body went rigid. Woohyun didn’t understand why that made it hard for him to swallow when he saw how many lines Sunggyu and he got. Surely one of those lines could’ve gone to Sungyeol, right? Guilt seeped into his body and he tried hard not to get dizzy at the thought of how unfair things were.

Sungyeol joked about it and told him maybe their giving Myungsoo’s (L’s, it’s L now) concept to him too. So he can be the tall, charming, silent idiot. Sungyeol forced himself to dance extra hard that day until his shoulders sagged and his eyes drooped. He cried himself to sleep and Myungsoo clung onto him tighter that day—Sungyeol doesn’t push him away. Dongwoo keeps on glancing worriedly at him. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what had happened during that time interval.

Woohyun starts talking to Sungyeol during practice, in between their routines and breaks. It started out with hellos and jokes about the other members’ dancing, usually accompanied by a third person, but Woohyun felt oddly comfortable talking with Sungyeol. Sungyeol was extremely cautious of Woohyun at first, always keeping a wary glance focused on him when he sits next to him. Sungyeol ends up shrugging it off, like he would when Myungsoo got clingy, and continued to talk to the room and not the people in it. He does that a lot and Woohyun doesn’t know exactly how he feels about it. He just—he just does it and Woohyun goes with it.

Occasionally, Howon joins in their antics although he’s usually kept to himself when things weren’t all about tomfoolery or antics. He dances and smiles and eyes everyone with judgmental thoughts, no doubt, but he never takes liberty in voicing them. Everyone likes him; he’s very easy to cope with. He doesn’t ask questions and doesn’t do things you don’t like once he figured you didn’t like it very much.

But that was occasionally, and Woohyun has found himself talking to Sungyeol more often than not. Sungyeol had seemed surprise at his sudden eagerness to befriend him (desperation Woohyun hoped didn’t transfer onto his words or actions). Gradually, the weird or freaked out stares reduced and Sungyeol seemed to be having a great time talking to Woohyun. They plotted the members’ doom together and Myungsoo eventually becomes too busy to latch onto Sungyeol every second of the day. They find themselves surrounded by mirrors for most of their day and with bright flashing lights the remainder time. If they’re lucky, Sunggyu and their managers would be too tired to order another round of dancing and they can pass out in the van, arms and legs slung over each other. None of them had realized that they had become so close. Woohyun almost misses it too, but he’s Woohyun and he notices these things. He doesn’t comment or bring it up when no one has anything to say and the silence is thick, but not uncomfortable. Someone was always asleep and snoring or their phone was going off and making noises.

Before they knew it, an entire year had passed and the members were all brothers by now. Even though it was against company rules (not that many idols obeyed rules), they’ve tried dating. When asked in interviews if they’d had any girlfriends, they practiced the rehearsed answers and Woohyun says yes, that he has more than one, and that they’re all called inspirits. He jokes about how there’s enough of him to go around, so don’t bother with the other members and the host disinterestedly moves on, already having heard that reply with the many other groups she’s interviewed. Her interest turns onto L, and she asks him a question he’s answered so many times before. Even if they’re just rookies, the questions are the same until there’s something new to talk about or something old to reminisce about, but since they have neither, they’re stuck with simple questions with simple answers in return.

They don’t lose their shine, they aren’t completely exhausted—they’re only tired, and that’s a whole hell of a lot difference than exhaustion of everything and anything.

Woohyun sees that Sungyeol has a frown on his lips during their break. Not once had the interviewer turned her interest to him—he just stood behind the rest of them with Sungjong and Hoya. Even though Hoya’s short and should be in front, he’s in the back because this isn’t an interview where some fantastical dancing skills are needed. Sungyeol’s pride is hurt and when they’re in the van on the way back, Woohyun grabs the seat next to Sungyeol and pats his thigh reassuringly. Sungyeol was too lost in what could be (and is) self-hatred to notice how much significance that small gesture held. He doesn’t care anyway, because even though Sungyeol doesn’t get to do anything (a much bigger difference than not doing anything, but he can’t), he’s the first one to feel the drag of idol life. His smile dulls dramatically for the rest of their promotion.

Woohyun doesn’t notice right away, even though he’s always a step behind Sungyeol. He’s just too fixed on the bright shining lights that still dazzle him (slowly, the magical effect wears off to the other members, but Woohyun’s still in love with its subtle charm). He slowly starts spending less and less time with Sungyeol, almost becoming as busy as L had. Myungsoo was never busy, Myungsoo never showed. It was L who had the coldest of face on (threatening to crack, but no one saw the fault lines, no one who didn’t know Myungsoo, anyway).

Sungyeol starts cheering up after a long, long fight with Myungsoo and they spend time together, Sungyeol not pushing Myungsoo away when he gets too clingy (that was Woohyun’s act, not Myungsoo’s, Woohyun thinks bitterly). Speaking of bitterness, there seemed to be a permanent bitter taste edged onto his tongue whenever he sees the two together. They fool around on stage, and it’s MyungYeol that becomes the canon ship for all Inspirits. They were introduced to skinship and fan service not long after their second album. Hands were always placed on thighs, smiles lingering too long for the OTPs that are adored (side ships sinking and slinking behind subtly). Woohyun doesn’t let it bother him that Myungsoo seems to be Sungyeol’s shadow, asks himself why it bothers him so much. He’s left unanswered and rushed towards their next destination. Today, Myungsoo shares a water bottle with Sungyeol and the fans went crazy (Woohyun tells himself later that when he hugged Sunggyu, it wasn’t for revenge, because why would he need revenge?).

Woohyun overdid it a bit and Sunggyu raises a questioning brow when they’re backstage. “Nothing, hyung.” He dutifully answered and quickly strode away before Sunggyu could accuse him of anything (anything that Sungyeol would overhear and assume, just like the unobservant idiot he was).

Sungyeol doesn’t seem to be in that slump anymore. Dongwoo stopped always hovering around him, his shoulders are less tense and his eyes aren’t always furrowed and his lips are pushed together into a thin line. But that’s so like Dongwoo to worry. He was so kind and thoughtful he might as well be a fool for the rest of them to manipulate. They never would—that would go against what Infinite was (none of them knew what Infinite was at that time, though).

One day, when they’re squished in a van together (again), Sungyeol plops right down next to him (pushing aside Hoya who was heading there, but Woohyun pretends he doesn’t see). Woohyun has to tell himself to breath, because at some point, he stopped. Sungyeol doesn’t say anything, just staring straight ahead to Dongwoo’s head. Woohyun clears his throat, almost uncomfortably, and that’s when Sungyeol speaks. He whispers, so quietly, Woohyun had almost missed it. “Why?” Sungyeol turns around to face him and Woohyun had desperately hoped he wouldn’t do that. Woohyun feels the hairs on his neck stand on their own.

“Why what,” Woohyun says in his normal voice. It isn’t a secret, they shouldn’t be whispering. It feels weird, almost intimate, and the bitterness in his mouth just couldn’t stand that word. His entire body is wrapped around something, something Sungyeol-centered and he doesn’t even know why. He tries hard to breathe, to let his shoulders relax, and for his heart to stop racing (so dramatically, as if he were in love).

Sungyeol doesn’t reply. He just keeps staring. Woohyun feels extremely self-conscious—even under bright white lights and high definition cameras he’s never felt this unsettling nerve. Sungyeol has a look on his face, as if he understands and is confused at the same time. Woohyun plugs his ear phones on and tries hard to pretend he’s alone, tries hard to not blush. Dongwoo’s snores break the silence and he hears Howon’s and Sungjong’s chitter-chat. Soon after (not fast enough), Sungyeol turns his attention away from Woohyun and starts taking pictures of a drooling Myungsoo (who, even in that state, is undeniably handsome).

Woohyun doesn’t know why he’s less tense, more relaxed when he goes to sleep that night.

He still feels the heat that radiates from Sungyeol’s body, feels the unnaturally warm tint rising to his neck and cheeks. He’ll sleep on it—he always does.

--

The next morning was extremely uneventful. He wakes up before his alarm went off, just lying in a puddle of his own warmth. Sunggyu’s next to him, teeth grinding together (it used to irk Woohyun, but he’s gotten used to it). He feels a sense of tranquility and he doesn’t want to leave. When his phone does go off five minutes after, Sunggyu groans and curses and Woohyun dearly hopes they’re not famous enough for crazy fans to install cameras or recorders in their room because Sunggyu curses like a sailor in the morning and it’ll totally ruin their image.

He does his round, as always. He starts with Sungjong’s room, because those three are the easiest to wake. Sunggyu was probably in the bathroom. “Get up.” His voice cracks and no one was awake enough to notice. Sungyeol sits straight up, bleary eyed, but his gaze was directly focused on Woohyun. Woohyun slowly backs out, but stops when he hears Sungyeol mutter something. “What?” He turns around.

“Why?” Sungyeol returns, a grin on his face, forced and wrinkly and ironed all at the same time. Woohyun feels his inside churn.

“I don’t know what you’re saying.” Hoya bumps his head against the top bunk and Woohyun uses it as his escape. Sungjong hears everything and sees everything, blurry with sleep, but still, he saw. He makes a mental note to discuss later and possibly use as black mail when the hyungs are being too y for him to obey with a smile on his face.

He catches Sunggyu just as he walks out of the bathroom. “Can you wake Dongwoo and Myungsoo? I need to use the bathroom.” Sunggyu just groans and switches his route to the room instead of the kitchen.

Woohyun splashes cold water on his face and brushes his teeth, trying hard not to think. Things would be so much easier if Sungyeol’s smiles weren’t so haunting.

--

Woohyun decides it’s best to stay calm. So when Sungyeol walks into the makeup room (just as the makeup artist leaves), Woohyun totally does not pretend to have to pee and run down the hallway, just to lock himself in a cubicle. He doesn’t. Really, he didn’t do that. Okay, so maybe he did—just light jogging though—something for the fans (that weren’t allowed backstage, but hush).

When he returns (slinking as slowly as possible), Sungyeol is in his chair, alone. Woohyun tries hard to breathe but he thinks he’s forgotten how to.

Sungyeol doesn’t say anything for a while; he has a blank, spaced-out look that Myungsoo usually wears on his face. It doesn’t bother Woohyun, not as much as the smoldering stare (that make his skin tingle and prickle with cold sweat and feelings). 

“You’re running away.” Sungyeol gets up off the chair after declaring words Woohyun doesn’t fully understand. He laughs a bit at Woohyun’s confused face. “Figure it out, dummy.” And Sungyeol leaves, just like that.

Woohyun wishes he’d been smart enough to understand, to fix things before they were too late (too deep into the mess is always Sungyeol’s style). Woohyun is too proud to ask for help and Sungyeol doesn’t even know he needs help.

It’s Myungsoo who points out how idiotic they’ve been and it takes both Myungsoo and Sungjong to explain why.

Woohyun runs, runs as fast as he can, not away, not from, but to. To where, he doesn’t know (that’s a lie; to Sungyeol is where he has always been running).

But that happens later (all too late). For now, breathing deeply and being clueless is all Woohyun needs to know (or not know).

--

Sungyeol slinks into another fit of depression, this time, unexpected. He’s gotten more lines, it’s been nearly three years and they’re still not failing. Sungyeol is now the second most handsome member of Infinite (second only to Myungsoo, who’s secured his post disbandment career as a model). Sungyeol stops talking and starts acting creepily cheery on broadcasts and filming and starts tweeting nonsense all the time (happy, morbid, and the such).

Myungsoo knows what’s wrong but refuses to tell anyone. “It’s personal,” he says while looking at Woohyun with an almost loathing glare, “personal.”

Sungjong figures it out all on his own, and he too starts looking rather disappointed when he’s stuck in a room with Woohyun and Woohyun alone. Sunggyu is only confused, a bit too tired to actually care and Dongwoo is completely oblivious for some strange reason (it’s Dongwoo who feels tension between members best). Hoya honestly doesn’t care and Myungsoo is all too hateful and brash when speaking. He seeps venom and Woohyun starts to feel really off, really concerned, really, really troubled.

He tries to talk to Sungjong, because he is less likely to kill or be extremely violent when conversing with Woohyun. Myungsoo is a danger zone. Woohyun doesn’t know if he’s terrified or glad that Sungyeol has such a good friend (h feels alone when he thinks about it, even if Sunggyu’s just a bed away).

“What’s wrong with you,” and maybe this wasn’t the best approach because Sungjong scoffs and holds his nose high (Sungjong has grown, Woohyun notes).

“You’re being an idiot.” Sungjong replies, almost mockingly. Woohyun doesn’t like this look on Sungjong, but at the same time, it wouldn’t be better if he were still chasing after dreams with a smile on his face.

“I don’t understand.”

“You don’t have to.” Sungjong abruptly leaves the room and Woohyun is left confused again. This would be so much easier if Sungyeol weren’t so far away (when did that happen?).

--

This time, Woohyun is determined not to let Sungyeol go (or let himself go). He pushes Sungyeol in an empty dressing room and locks the door, blocking it with his body in case Sungyeol runs (in case he changes his mind). Sungyeol laughs nervously, his face painted in something Woohyun had always liked (loved). Confusion makes his face rumple and his frown deepen and his eyes crinkle. It’s only lovable.

“Why are you so difficult?” Woohyun dare ask. Sungyeol only gives a greater laugh and confusion eases out of him. It makes Woohyun’s shoulder relax unconsciously and makes it easier for him to slouch and stare.

“I would ask you the exact same thing.” Sungyeol doesn’t say much to anyone anymore. Besides Myungsoo, that is, but their conversations are filled with meaningful stares and raised brows, not so much as verbal communications. That wouldn’t be normal for them.

Woohyun just doesn’t understand and later, when it’s too late, he realizes everything.

“I like you.” Sungyeol says and it’s a different sort of liking, not the one Woohyun thinks of when Infinite is brought up in a conversation with his family. It’s not fondness. It’s more. But Woohyun doesn’t know more, or better, for that fact.

It’s just, Sungyeol does and Woohyun doesn’t—that isn’t the key to life, or anything besides Infinite. Sunggyu’s a doer, Dongwoo’s a doer, Hoya’s a doer, Myungsoo’s a doer, Sungjong’s a doer—a different type of doing, though. Not the same like they’re talking about here.

Woohyun runs away. Again.

--

Sungyeol acts oblivious, becomes too touchy with Woohyun, and even Hoya titters nervously when the two of them are in the same room. Dongwoo has wrinkle lines permanently etched into his forehead with his confused frown and eyes that tell everyone to come and talk to him (even if he’s too tired to keep wake).

Sungyeol is doing things that drive Woohyun crazy. Sungyeol doesn’t sleep. He practices until he drops. His voice is hoarse from screaming out lyrics that he’ll never perform live. He drowns himself in coffee but thinks it’s his lifeboat. He does everything he can to make everyone worried, when he only gives a fake smile when asked what’s wrong.

Woohyun is biting his nails in frustrations. He sees what the CEO saw; he sees it all too clearly and realizes how big of an idiot he actually is.

When they’re in the van, it’s Woohyun who pushes Myungsoo out of the way to sit next to Sungyeol. In a hushed whisper, he asks, “Are you still willing to give me a chance?”

“I still like you.” Sungyeol says, almost relieved, almost happy.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

It was then when Woohyun saw the lines on Sungyeol’s face fade away, realizes that he not only caused this, but loved it as well. He sees destruction so clear, so vivid, and he’s almost scared. Sungyeol’s hand find its way towards Woohyun’s and they don’t say much.

Sungjong gives them a knowing glance and Myungsoo is hanging off Dongwoo’s back, joking as if he weren’t plotting murder just a few hours ago.

It’s this that makes him happy. This that fills him and he realizes that he’s loved Sungyeol all along.

Sungyeol smiles and comes home that night, but neither of them sleeps. They stay up in the kitchen pass bedtime and Sunggyu comes out later and drags Woohyun back by the ear, leaving him in the room to do the same to Sungyeol. That night, when they lay in bed next to each other, Sunggyu asks, “Are you happy?”

Woohyun has a feeling everyone but him knew all along. “Yes.”

“Is he happy?”

“Yes.” Woohyun hears the smile form on Sunggyu’s thin lips.

“Good. Go to sleep.” And Sunggyu slips into slumber all too quickly. Woohyun tosses and turns, a trait that would usually wake Sunggyu into annoyance, but he’s too tired to notice (when had they all become so exhausted?).

His shoulders feel less tense and his body doesn’t ache all over. He closes his eyes and sees a smile he knows all too well. This is the beauty of love. And with that smile, Woohyun sees it again, the thing that the CEO had spotted in Sungyeol years ago.

He sees happiness.

a/n I thought I'd never be done by the deadline. Thank you sudden last-minute inspiration boost. I really needed one. and here we have sungyeol again. i don't think i can write something that includes infinite and not write about sungyeol. well, at least this was woohyun-focuses? yay for angry ducksoo and his protective instincts for his best friend.

anyway i am going to leave and publish this before it gets too late. thanks for reading as always.