///

Nothing will ever change. This crude and stale life of mine. No confusing pattern, just forever in sync. Nothing to even facilitate my journey. Now that you're gone, there's no way out. Now that you're gone...

I just sit on the ground these days, our memories playing in my mind like flickers of a candle long blown away. Ashes of a fire that was never quite full and healthy, but sickly and weak. 

Sometimes I spot your shadow behind me, but in reality it was never there.

Sometimes my lips would unknowingly whisper your name. Then I would slap my hand over my mouth, forbidding myself from ever doing it again.

It's been, what? Days? Weeks? Months? I can't tell. The calender's long dead, lying broken in the corner, my mind frozen on the date you left me. 

You said everything I wanted to hear, and nothing I disliked. There was a pattern, I supposed. I heard the repetition in your sentences, the sweet talks were all the same, just like a robot which broke down.

You were my "sunshine." Pulling me through the days of complete darkness, you would always be next to me, calling out my name, even if you didn't want to. 

"I miss you" wouldn't be able to describe what I feel right now, no, not even close.

I wish I could reach out to you. If your address never changed, I could write to you. But what if you moved far away? Maybe to a different country. That would render me completely helpless.

So here I stay, sitting by my window, my breath catching in my throat.

"It's pointless."

I've thought many times before, but my foolish mind always pushed the thought away. It was never pointless to think of you...

Before, I wore skirts and high heels. Now I've switched to dirty sweats and worn out sneakers. Would you recognize me if you saw me again? Would your eyes have a flicker of uncertainty? Guilt? Or, possibly regret? 

Would you... take me back?

"No way."

I thought, my mind jumbled up all the positive outcomes in my mind and turned them to negative ones. My nonsensical mumbles are nowhere to enough to get you back. Our memories resurfaced in my mind, pinpointing the weak parts in my heart.

///

"Come on, Oppa!"

I called, reaching out my fingertips to brush against yours.

"Okay, okay," You replied, a tinge of fatigue creeping into your melodic voice.

"You tired?" My brows creased in worry as I suddenly halted. I pursed my lips, not liking the thought that you weren't enjoying our date.

"No, not at all. I'm just peachy," You managed a smile, and interwined our fingers.

"Okay, Oppa."

///

Was that when it started to tear apart? When the threads of our so-called "love" started to unravel? Your words never were that genuine. Only said to please, never truly from the heart. Oh, I should've realized that it was a warning. I should've pulled my heart back from the open. It was too vulnerable, you had no choice but to break it, shattering my whole soul.

///

"Oppa! Talk to me!" I whined, as I clung onto your shirt. Preparing my puppy-dog eyes, I looked up pleadingly and tried to convince you to ditch your work.

"Shut up!" You shouted, your face turned a slight rouge.

"Oppa..." My eyes widened and I slowly stepped away from you.

"Wait... Wait! No, I didn't mean it.." You called, your brows creased in regret. I couldn't tell if you were merely acting, or if you actually meant those words. Perhaps it was all an act, and I definitely fell for it.

///

Maybe that was the line we crossed that day. All signs pointed to a break-up, but I was stubborn and dumbly clung onto you. From then on, I saw lines of stress marr your face, providing a mask for your true feelings. Every smile you flashed my way was fake, and never lasted for more than two seconds. You stopped ouching me, and we always stood at least five feet away from each other. The act of holding hands and hugging was forbidden too, and your icy kisses never felt the same again. I considered leaving you, yes I considered being the one to break up with you. But I didn't have the courage to actually do it. Our break-up was so tragic, I wonder why you didn't let go of me earlier. Maybe there would've been less pain inflicted if you didn't let this relationship drag on. But here I am, trapped between loving you and hating you. I think I'll be on the fence for a long time, I can't even see the end yet. The world is hazy, my mind clouded with painful thoughts of you. 

Maybe I'm a masochist, because I tore down all my protections right before our break-up. I didn't like the fact that you were leaving me, but the pain of the break-up just washed over me. All my senses were numbed. As I shut my eyes, the incriminating memories burned themselves onto the back of my eyelids.

///

"Oppa, why are you acting like we're not going out anymore?" I fiddled with my fingers as I slowly lifted my gaze to your rock hard one. 

"Because we aren't going out as of now,"

You said, and pursed your lips.

"W-what?" My lower lip trembled and a wet tear wrenched itself free from my tear gland and started its treacherous journey down my cheek.

///

I wondered how long this torture will last. I supposed I need to get out into the world again, but I couldn't help it. I couldn't help my lifestyle. Its pattern embedded itself into my brain, burying between all the painful memories. 

As I run my fingers down my legs, I sigh as the prickly hairs stop the journey short. Just like the thorny bushes that trapped me in my apartment, forbidding me to enter the real world. Even if I tried, my mind will always be full of illusions that I can't shake off. I suppose it's permanent then, this life...

/// 

One dreary day in April, I peeked into my fridge and realized that there was no food left. I grimaced at the thought that I would have to show my true self to the waiting world. One wrong step, and down I would go, never to return. 

After standing in the same spot for 20 minutes, I slipped on a rain coat and grabbed my pink wallet. It was the only remnant of color left in my life, the rest was out when you left. I cautiously yanked at my front door, then peeked outside to see if anyone was watching my every move. Relieved that I found no one, I tentatively stuck out a sneakered foot onto the porch, and slowly emerged into reality. Taking small, steady steps, I made my way to the desolate grocery store. It was the one no one bothered to go to, because the path there was lonely and if something happened, there would be no one to call for help. 

I hated the bell which dinged when I went in because it made my appearance noticeable to every other customer in the store. Pulling the hood of my jacket out, I hurried and gathered my groceries. 

As I was selecting the cheapest slab of meat to buy, I noticed a lean figure bending over. At first, I blinked rapidly and reached out to lightly tap the stranger's shoulder. He flinched in response and smoothly turned my way. His brows creased in slow recognition and my eyes widened in sync to his. 

"You..."

I whispered, and drew back my arm quickly.

"Hello," is all you said, while you flashed me a sarcastic smirk. You slowly gathered up your meat and glided past my shocked face without any hesitation. I couldn't help but crumble to my knees. My eyes were getting red, for I haven't blinked ever since you turned around. When I finally slid my eyelids closed, I just sat there on my knees, void of all emotion.

It was exactly like I feared, your eyes showed no guilt, no love, no recognition. Your brain did all the work, as usual, as expected.

I got up, nearly tripping over my feet in the process. Clutching the grocery bags to my chest, I ran the rest of the way home, not stopping until I was safely insdie my apartment again. 

I sat cross-legged on my worn out welcome mat, shutting my mind to the rest of the world and picturing your face, still burned in my mind.

"Not even a flicker of emotion... Stupid, what did I expect?" I drastically pounded my head with my balled up hands, ignoring the aching headache. Even though we were together for 10 months, it only took a day for you to forget me, and all the "feelings" you've ever harbored towards me.

I sighed as I crawled to my bed, my place for when I felt like dying in a dark, never-ending ipt.

"What if I sleep, and never wake up?" I whispered into the darkness, muffling my thoughts with a pillow.

///

Days passed, and slowly, my fridge went empty again. This dark world and my loneliness trapped my soul in this house. I lost all strength to venture past those sullen doors. I wondered what would happen if I silently disappeared, all on my own. No one would notice; I had no friends left. They all left me when you did. No surprise, you acted like a social magnet, and me, a wallflower.

I saw my ribcage getting more and more prominent, and my legs were losing all the energy it had before. My cheekbones jutted out of my face, but I didn't mind these changes. I had nothing to worry about anymore, I never did have a steady job anyways. All day I just slept, I only woke up for the rare trips to the bathroom. I ignored the growing hunger gnawing at my stomach and just slept my life away. After a while, hacking coughs wracked my entire body, which left me breathless after each bout. I just wanted to sleep, and so I did. I slept for hours upon hours, and I lost track of everything, except that I kept sinking back into unconsciousness everytime I barely got a grip on reality. I feared there would be a day when I wouldn't be able to hold on any longer, and I would lose consciousness forever. But at the same time, I welcomed death. No more pain and no more hunger sounds perfect right now... right now.

I shut my eyelids, wanting to sleep again, but instead, I saw you. You in your perfect, angelic state, as you reached out a hand to me. 

"Am I hallucinating?" I whispered, a small smile creeping up on my face. You nodded a bit, but I didn't mind. Illusions would be welcomed too, as long as you were near me somehow. in a deep breath, I smiled and reached out to your solid face.

"I feel safe when I'm with you, so I suppose I'll go with you. Only with you."

/// 

-------- Author's Note --------

Hello again, my lovelies. I hope you enjoyed my fanfic (or something fic). I didn't really aim for a certain plot, I just wrote about the gist of depression, even though I've never experienced it before (and i do not want to anytime in the future). A few sentences in there was added by hayyitsShayne, as a spontaneous change of mind. Please check out the rest of my stories if you have time, and don't forget to leave a comment telling about your reading experience! 

Thanks! I'll see you guys next time,

ememyang // xoxo