Why do you have to be like this?

You’re not the same person that I know anymore.

I always thought, nothing’s gonna change about us.

But eveytime I look at you,

The coldness in your eyes is like a knife crushing into my heart.

What did I do to make you change?

You’re here.

But it feels like, you’re too far away from me.

I tried to make a move towards you,

But you take a steps away.

And you look at me with that blank stares

As if, asking me, if who I am.

And as the music onstage finally finished,

I quickly look at you,

But there you are,

Walking fast… as if trying to avoid me.

My heart aches as I watch you disappeared from my sight.

I can’t take it anymore,

My tears fall down from my face as I think,

What happened to us?

Are you still the Soojung that I know?

Is the day that I feared the most is gonna happen to us now?

You promise that you love me forever…

But you’re action says, you don’t care about me anymore.

I still want to save our friendship from drifting us apart.

But how can I do it all alone?

We’re lifting us up…

But there you are, pushing me away.

You’re letting go of my hand….

I don’t want to let you go but,

It hurts so much that I feel weaker now.

I think…I need to let you go…

Even though, it hurts.

But, if this makes you happy.

I’ll do it for you….

**********

SULLI’S POV

People shouts for our name and cheered for us when we finished our performance at the Korea Polytechnic University. I think we did good and I smiled to the cameras flashing in front of us.

We thank them as we bowed our heads. Then I turn to look at you. I saw a little smile on your face then our eyes met. I smiled at you but then your face suddenly become emotionless. And I feel a pinch in my heart for your reaction towards me.

I heard the hosts onstage thank us for a good performance, and our group f(x) left the stage. I was watching Soojung’s back as she walk beside Amber. Vic-umma and Luna-unnie walking ahead of me.

We go straight into the backstage. And the staff give us some water and towel.

Vic-umma started talking to me. But I’m not paying any attention to what she’s saying. Because I only had my eyes on you while you were busy talking with Amber. She whispered something on your ear and then you started giggling . You look so happy. My heart aches again while thinking that somebody else is making you smile other than me.

Soojung noticed me while looking at her but I look away. I quickly look at Victoria and pretend to talk to her.

“What are you saying, Vic-umma?”

“-but it was kinda-what?”

“I said, what are you just saying?”

“Aigoo…you’re not listening to me, are you?” she says while giving me the evil eye.

“I-I’m listening to you…” I lied to her.

“Aishhh…you’re not really good at lying, Sulli-ah.”

I tried to keep my self from looking at Soojung again but I can’t control my self.  This time, I look at her. But I secretly cursed myself for being stupid because I saw her officially flirting with Amber. Soojung was holding her arms and her head was resting on her shoulder. I look away from them but Victoria noticed me where I was looking.

“Omooo.” I hear she says. “They look so close, are they?”

I ignored Victoria because it I was hurting so much. If I can’t control my feelings, I might burst out crying any time now.

“Yah! You two!” Vic-umma suddenly shout at them which makes all of us in the room look at her. “You look like love birds, stop flirting around. Someone’s do not like it!”

Soojung’s eyebrows furrowed. She keep still to Amber’s side. “Who doesn’t like it?” she said.

“Someone!” said Victoria.

“Aisshh. Who is that ‘someone’?”

“Anybody!”

All in the room laugh beside me.

“Stop joking around, unnie!” said Amber smiling. Then she put her arms around Soojung’s shoulder. Everything becomes blurry.

**********

While riding inside the SM van, my group-mates, Victoria, Luna, Amber and Krystal were all busy talking to one another. I’m the only one who keeps quite even though I’m the bubbly and chatter to our group. Maybe, I’m just not in the mood to talk. I look outside the window while ignoring their noises.

I’m having my own world now when I feel someone nudge me on my waist.  I look up. It was Luna. I raised my eyebrows to her for interrupting me.

“Waeh?”

“You’re quite.” She lower her voice asking me.

“I’m not in the mood, unnie.” I said and I look again outside the window.

“What’s the problem?” she ask me again.

“Nothing.”

Luna lean closer to me. Then she hugs me. Suddenly, I feel so vulnerable because I feel my Luna-unnie’s concerns. I wanted to tell her my problem but not while Soojung is here with us, she might hear me that my problem is her.

“It’s okay.” She said softly as if knowing what my problem was. I feel like crying but I control my emotions. I sigh deeply then bite my lips, trying all my might not to cry.

Victoria-umma noticed us while Krystal and Amber have their own world again.

“Lunnie, Sulli-ah…” her voice sudden becomes quite when she approach the two of us.

I saw in my peripheral vision that Luna and Victoria made eye contacts. Then Vic-umma suddenly pats my back. I feel like a child pampering by my mother and sister.

“Omoo…you two are over acting.” I said to them trying to sound happy. I fake a smile but they know me well because they have that concerns in eyes while looking at me.

“Sulli-ah…I know you have a problem.” Said Vic-umma, her voice is so low as if she’s whispering to me.

I shook my head. “No. I’m just tired.”

“Hey, you three don’t let us join your conversation?” said Amber, sounding so hyper. Her hand was holding on Soojung’s shoulder again. Deep in myself, I feel so jealous. I used to be the one holding Soojung’s shoulder every time when we’re together.

I saw Krystal look at Luna who’s still hugging me tightly and resting her head on my stomach. Did I just saw her giving Luna a cold stare? NO… maybe I’m just hallucinating myself because it was kinda dark inside the van and the driver’s not turning on the light inside it.

“Of course, you can talk to us whenever you want, Amber. You’re the one busy there with Krystal.” Said Victoria laughing.

“Who says we’re busy, Vic-umma? Aisshh, we’re a group so we should have a group talk too, right?” it was Soojung who said that.

“Yeah, you’re right, Soojungie.” Said Luna then she look up to me. “But, our dear Sulli is not in the mood to talk.” The she suddenly touch my face.

I pout my lips.

“Aigooo…such a cutie.” Luna smiled while caressing my face.

Amber laugh. “What does our dear Sulli want?”

I shook my head again. “None.”

“Aishhh, just tell us, Sulli-ah.” Said Vic-umma. “You’re not in the mood to talk, so I’m sure there is something to get you back in your mood again.”

I sigh let out in my lips. “I guess….I’m just hungry.”

“Aigoooooo!” Luna, Victoria and Amber said in unison. My attention was on Krystal who was not paying me any attention. She was busy looking at her phone this time.

“Okay. I’m gonna cook for you later when we arrived at the dorm.” Said Vic-umma. “We’re going to have a delicious feast!”

“Yeahhhh!” Luna and Amber shout happily. I heard the driver sneakered in the driver seat.

Victoria turn to Krystal. “How ‘bout you, Soojungie, you want to eat with us?”

She talk while looking at her phone. “I’m not really hungry, umma.”

“Omoo, come on, Soojung. When was the last time you eat with us?” said Luna.

“I don’t know. Last month?” she said.

“Soojung, eat with us. “Amber said and she playfully tickle her on the waist. I know, she tickle easily on that. Soojung let out a hearty laugh. I feel so jealous again. I want to be the one doing it to her. Not Amber.

“Stop it, Amber!” Krystal said while laughing because Amber continue tickling her. “HA-HA-HA! I said, stop it, please-“

“Not until you agree to eat with us.” Said Amber smirking.

Then Soojung resist. “OK! OK! HA-HA-HA! JUST STOP IT!”

“Okay, thanks!” Amber stop and hugs Krystal.

Luna and Victoria laugh. But I look away from them and look outside the window again. I can see from the outside that it was started to pour rain. And as I watch it goes down from the dark sky, I can tell that inside in my heart, it started to rain too.

**********