http://youtu.be/rpYtEeiWUW8

I still remember everything clearly. It was August 2011 then, I’ve been working with Baekhyun for half a year. We discovered a lot about each other during the six months, some that if it were to be disclosed to the public, neither of us would be seen in the same positive light anymore. Baekhyun and I had a lot of things in common. We both like drinking milk straight from the carton, we didn’t like doing chores and we both loved playing video games. But there was something bigger.

Girls didn’t attract us.

The both of us never outright told each other that, we just somehow reached a silent common understanding. We never questioned, never asked, we just accepted. Because if even we couldn’t accept each other, nobody would.

I remember telling him I didn’t like singing, because I wasn’t good at it. He told me about this Chinese song he really liked, called Fairytale, and I asked him to sing for me. I smiled at his accent, but apart from that, his singing was mesmerizing. When he finished, I asked him what the lyrics meant, and he told me to search it up. I never did. And I have never regretted not doing something so much in my life before

Things were simple between us. I schedule his idol life, he lives it. Every night we would come home and play rock paper scissors to determine who had to cook dinner. I lost every time. When I cooked, Baekhyun would stand beside me quietly, sometimes a little too close, and I didn’t hate it. When I slept in my room that was just across his, I would wake up to him sleeping on the floor beside my bed. I never stopped him. When I watched T.V on the couch, he would sit next to me and rest his head on my shoulder. I never pushed him away.

When Baekhyun comes to the company building or attend events, I had to protect him against passionate fans and hungry reporters. When he got off the van, I stood by his side like I had been for the past six months. I protected him against the pushing and shoving. The fans bumped against my back, whenever they did, my chest would brush against his shoulders. Baekhyun always kept a straight face, I know because I stared. I held his shoulders tightly and shouted at fans to stay back. I could feel Baekhyun secretly gripping the hem of my clothing then. He was holding onto me tightly too, in his own secret way. It was like this whenever I had to protect him. He would hold me tightly, just like how I held him. It was painful how secretive he was. I hated how he had to hide his affections for me because he was an idol, and I was a man and his manager. But that night, I lay in bed asking myself if Baekhyun and I were just ordinary people, would he still have to hide? I went to sleep with my answer—yes; he would, because society doesn’t accept people like us. I don’t know why.

After a while, I stopped waking up to Baekhyun on my bedroom floor, I woke up to him beside me on my bed. I don’t know how he does it, I was a pretty light sleeper. Whatever it was, I didn’t stop him either. It was my own way of fairness. If Baekhyun couldn’t show his affection for me outside, then he at least deserved the right to do it inside. I didn’t think much of his actions; I thought it was just part of a phase, one that he would get over quickly. But he didn’t.

Another half a year had passed, things never changed. I was starting to worry, because Baekhyun couldn’t love me. I was his manager, he was the singer I’m in charge of, love was just wrong. In July 2012, I was called to Kim Dong Chul’s office. He explained to me a bunch of things I didn’t understand, even until today I still don’t. I did catch the gist of it, though. Baekhyun was to have a girlfriend. For publicity purposes, he said, everything’s already been planned out. Baekhyun doesn’t like girls, I mumbled in my mind, you can’t force him, please don’t force him.

But what could I do? Tell him Baekhyun was gay? I couldn’t. It was a silent promise I had with him. I couldn’t betray him like that, so I agreed to it. Kim Dong Chul told me it would just be for a short while. Baekhyun was angry when I told him. I’ve never seen him angry before. He shouted and screamed at me, asking me ‘how could you?’ I didn’t know the answer either. He pounded his fists against my chest, scolding me profanities. His beatings didn’t hurt as much as his words. He told me he hated me, and he left the house, crying, I think. Baekhyun never cried; he never showed weakness. Perhaps I was his weakness.

I realized that he wasn’t mad that he had to pretend to love a girl, he was mad that I let him do it. It was then that I realized Baekhyun really did like me. But he couldn’t, Baekhyun couldn’t like me, it was just wrong. I thought the fake relationship would be able to help things, but it only made me realize just how possessive over Baekhyun I was.

Baekhyun met the girl in mid July. She was pretty and kind, perfect for Baekhyun, if only he liked girls. News of their relationship was made known. They were made to go on dates, Baekhyun smiled and laughed while I watched nearby in my car. I was made to do it, Kim Dong Chul said I had to make sure no angry fans attacked them while they went on ‘dates’. I watched them get ice cream and affectionately wipe each other’s lips with tissues whenever they got ice cream at the corners.

I was jealous, I knew, because Baekhyun didn’t even like her, and she got to experience his affections so publicly. I’m the one he likes, but I will never be allowed to do that in public. I started to wonder if I was a pretty female idol, and news came out that Baekhyun and I were really dating, it would definitely be more acceptable than news of him dating his male manager. I realized that some things were acceptable in society, and sometimes the same things with different people involved, were completely unacceptable. I didn’t understand. Why was it that love between a man and a woman was acceptable, but it wasn’t between a man and another man. Love was love, wasn’t it?

No, it wasn’t as simple as that. Even until today, three years after that incident, I still don’t understand how it works.

When Baekhyun and I came home after their date, I was angry. I glared at him, wanting to shout, but the look he had in his eyes reminded me that I allowed this to happen. Baekhyun was just following instructions. He was right, I did let this happen. But I didn’t want it to. It wasn’t my intention. I wanted to make him realize that maybe he didn’t like me that much after all, not make me realize that I liked him that much.

I was confused. I wanted Baekhyun to like me, but at the same time, I didn’t. I didn’t know what I wanted, and I couldn’t let this snowball.

“Go to sleep,” I told him. “You have an early day tomorrow.”

Robotically, Baekhyun slinked to his bedroom. I stood in the center of the living room, scanning my surroundings. My eyes lingered on the photo frames a little too long. I went to my room to retrieve a packet and lighter. I slid the glass doors of the balconies open, and I stood out in the hot summer night. The stars shone brightly, as if making a mockery out of me. My mother’s words echo in my head, a sorry excuse for a human being. I agreed with her again.

I lit the cigarette, holding it between my fingers as I smoked it. My lungs stung, it’s been a while since I’ve did this.

“I thought you quit smoking in college.” Baekhyun’s voice snapped. I turned around, slightly panicking, until I realized Baekhyun couldn’t do anything about it because I was older than him.

“I thought I told you to go to sleep.” I sighed and faced my back to him, letting out another defiant puff. I stared at the smoke as it disappeared into thin air. I wondered if I was just like that smoke. I enter Baekhyun’s life and mess it up, like how the smoke enters my lungs and destroys it. I leave Baekhyun’s life and disappear forever after destroying everything, just like how the smoke disappears into thin air. Maybe I should try disappearing too.

“Hyung,” he said. I didn’t answer. He called me again, louder this time, and I glanced at him over my shoulder.

"What?"

“Do you like me?”

I lowered my arms and rested them against the railing. Baekhyun stepped up beside me and asked me the same thing again.

“Answer me.”

“If I answered you, what would you do? If I answered you, what would change? You would still continue being an idol; I would continue being your manager.”

“I just want to know.”

“There are some things you’re better off not knowing.” I take another puff.

“I just want to know—”

“Yes. I do, I do like you.”

Baekhyun remained silent for a while, and I could almost hear the sound of his heart hammering against his chest. I pulled him towards me with my arm and held him close. He was shaking.

Are you that shocked, little Baekhyun?

“Nothing changed, didn’t it? I didn’t turn into a princess; you didn’t turn into a prince. Not like in all the fairytales that you so love.” I rested my chin on the crown of his head. “Now you’re sad, because no matter how much we like each other, we’ll never be together.”

“Why not?”

“That’s just how it works, Baekhyun.”

“I don’t like it.”

“That’s why I say you’re still a child.”

“I’m twenty.”

“Yeah, and I’m twenty-five. Age has nothing to do with maturity.”

“Gender has nothing to do with love.”

I felt a pang in my chest, because that statement could never get so wrong. I tightened my arms around him, shutting my eyes so tears couldn’t escape.

“Go to sleep, Baekhyun,” I whispered and slowly let go of him. He looked at me, straight in the eye before going off. That night, Baekhyun didn’t bother sleeping in his own room.

The next day, Baekhyun and I went about our usual routine. Schedules after schedules. I brought him home around nine and told him I had to rush off to the company. He was so tired he didn’t protest. I headed straight for Kim Dong Chul’s office with an envelope in hand. I told him a story I spun up, and he said alright, he would find a replacement as soon as possible. I wanted to quit.

I got a call the next week saying everything was settled, all I had to do was leave. But that was harder than I had thought it would be. I brought Baekhyun to the company for practice. I told him I had to leave and I’d be right back, he said okay and hugged me. I hugged him back as tightly as I could, but he didn’t know why, nor did he hear the sound of my heart shattering over the sound of his title track booming through the stereo.

I left the company and headed for the apartment. I packed hastily, wanting to get out before my resolve to leave coolly dissolved into nothingness. I dragged my suitcase down the corridor, Baekhyun was still nowhere in sight. Good, I thought, because it would be so much easier to leave that way. I took a few steps before a figure came dashing out of the lift.

Baekhyun met his new manager.

“What are you doing?” he questioned me breathlessly.

“Leaving.”

“Why?” he looked like a kicked puppy.

Don’t look at me like that, Baekhyun.

“Because I don’t want to be your manager anymore.”

“But you said you loved me,” he said quietly.

“Exactly.”

“Please don’t go. Not now, please don’t leave me now.”

“Don’t make it harder than it already is, Baekhyun,” I said and brushed past him towards the lift. He called after me, and I stopped without looking at him.

“Just tell me why.”

“I already told you—”

“The real reason.”

“Baekhyun, you said you loved fairytales,” I said, taking his silence as a yes. “But our fairytale is a little different.”

I paused and swallowed down the growing lump in my throat. “You are the prince and I am the pauper. But in all the fairytales you know there has to be a princess for it to have a happy ending.”

“Chanyeol,” he whimpered. 

Don’t say my name, Baekhyun.

“Not everyone gets to experience a happy ending,” I said, not even sparing a glance at him throughout the conversation. I was afraid that if I looked at how upset he was, I wouldn’t be able to leave. “And those who deserve to… don’t.”

“But I love you.”

As I started walking away, I was the one who could hear his heart shattering. After I left, I never saw him again. Like smoke, I destroyed Baekhyun and disappeared into thin air.

Don’t love hyung, hyung is a bad person.