They say that everything happens for a reason.

Baekhyun didn’t know if he believed that. And who were “they”, anyway? What made them the authority on life? Who had decided that their opinion mattered?

Light fractured off the surface of the water above him, splinters of white piercing the cloudy waves. He tried not to blink too much, his eyes already streaming, but as the burn in his chest intensified, blinking and clenching his teeth were much needed distractions. It was a pleasant burn, the pain. It let him know that he was alive. Not that that mattered. Not that it would last.

Suddenly, darkness descended and he felt himself being pulled to the surface by a hand wrapped tightly around his upper arm.

An obviously annoyed Chanyeol glared down at him as he took his first breath, his oxygen starved lungs filling to bursting, causing a momentary lightheadedness.

“You don’t have time for this. We’re going to be late,” Chanyeol said none-too-kindly.

Releasing Baekhyun, he turned and strode from the bathroom, the door closing sharply behind him.

Gripping the side of the tub tightly, Baekhyun struggled to catch his breath, his chest squeezing painfully, unpleasantly this time, as his lungs resumed their normal rhythm. This was the only downside to his little game.

Ever since he was a little boy, Baekhyun had been obsessed with the idea of death. Particularly death by drowning, asphyxia. The reason behind that was simple: when he was younger, he had almost drowned. No, not almost, he mentally clarified. He had drowned. His heart had stopped beating for ten seconds. For those ten seconds, he’d been dead. He couldn’t remember going to heaven, seeing pearly white gates or even being surrounded by white light, nothing like that. One minute he’d been suffocating at the bottom of a pool, the next he was in a hospital, his anxious parents staring down at him breathing visible sighs of relief when he’d finally opened his eyes.

After that, everyone had assumed that he would be terrified of pools but he hadn’t been. He was back in his swim trunks within a week. He loved the water, loved being surrounded and carried away by it. But as he got older, a darkness started permeating his thoughts. First a niggling presence, then a curiosity and now, a full blown obsession. Over the years he’d become convinced that he was going to die young, that his days were numbered and it was only a matter of time before death came for him again. He’d already escaped once, significantly decreasing his chances of surviving a second attempt. Any other person might have been horrified by their thoughts, may even have sought professional help. Baekhyun simply accepted it. Embraced it in fact, perhaps even encouraged it. Not everyone was meant to grow old, see themselves wither and decay, watch their loved ones die or die knowing that they were leaving loved ones behind to mourn them. Dying young was far more preferable to him.

He didn’t let the approaching darkness keep him from living a full life, though. His love of life, however brief it might be for him, ultimately led him to the love of his life. Meeting Chanyeol was, without a doubt, the best thing that ever happened to him. He’d had a good life with a loving family but Chanyeol made everything that much better, that much brighter. He was intelligent, attractive, fun and funny and he made Baekhyun feel complete. Chanyeol and his love for him were the only things that gave him pause where his imminent death was concerned. He hated the thought of leaving him behind, of losing him. But what could he do? Chanyeol knew about the darkness in him, though they never really talked about it which he was thankful for, to be honest. He didn’t want to lose him sooner than he had to and he knew that Chanyeol was going to be the only person he would ever love.

Steady now, he heaved himself out of the tub and unplugged the drain. He could hear Chanyeol moving around in the bedroom on the other side of the door and he smiled. His boyfriend was cross with him, understandably since it was already 7:05, they had dinner reservations at 8:00 and it would take them at least a half hour to drive to the restaurant. It was their last night in Jeju and Chanyeol was taking him to his favorite restaurant. Come tomorrow, they would be back in funky Seoul, the clean, crisp air of Jeju Island a long forgotten memory.

Chuckling softly to himself, he decided to dress quickly, throwing on whatever he first set his eyes on in the closet.

It was the least he could do to appease his one and only.

**********

Baekhyun tried not to fidget, not to glance around or shift in his seat overly much, but the tension was killing him.

Across from him, Chanyeol was a frozen picture, the top of his head barely visible behind the menu he was perusing.

“Ready to order?” the waitress asked.

“Yes,” Chanyeol replied.

Baekhyun chose randomly from the menu and handed it over as the waitress departed, immediately reaching for his glass and taking a fortifying sip.

Something was wrong. He could feel it in his bones. Chanyeol, his Chanyeol, was usually bright and smiley, very charming. He was a great conversationalist. On the drive to the restaurant, he’d barely spoken a word. Baekhyun understood that he needed to maintain his concentration since the road was on the side of a mountain and some of the curves were dangerously blind but even though he’d tried to engage Chanyeol in light banter, he hadn’t reciprocated, which eventually led him to falling into complete silence.

He’d thought, hoped, that the mood would pass once they got to the restaurant – it was truly enchanting and romantic – but he couldn’t shake the feeling. If anything, it was stronger than before. In the pit of his stomach, a seed of worry began to take root.

As they waited for their orders to arrive, Chanyeol suggested that they go over their itinerary for the next day. Although it wasn’t exactly what he would have preferred, Baekhyun was just happy to have Chanyeol talking to him at all.

So soon as their food arrived, however, silence fell between them once more.

“Not hungry?”

Baekhyun glanced down at his barely touched plate. It was the first thing that Chanyeol had said to him in ten minutes.

“No, no. I am. It’s great.”

The food could very well have been cardboard for all he tasted of it but he forced himself to eat, chewing and swallowing automatically. He didn’t want to give Chanyeol the impression that he didn’t appreciate his efforts in making their last night a memorable one. Although, at the rate they were going it was probably going to be one he’d wish he could forget. He’d imagined a romantic dinner, a pleasant drive back to their hotel and one last night of ual bliss before re-entering the real world the following day but he knew now that that probably wasn’t going to happen.

“I can’t do this anymore.”

Chanyeol’s voice was so soft that Baekhyun almost didn’t realize he’d spoken.

He looked up. “What?”

Chanyeol’s gaze was fixed on his plate. “I can’t do this anymore,” he repeated.

“What…” His throat suddenly feeling clogged, Baekhyun cleared his airway before trying again. “What did you say?”

“You, me, us. I can’t…” Chanyeol broke off and when he looked up, the torture in his eyes had Baekhyun gasping. “I love you and that may never change but I can’t go on like this.”

“I don’t…I don’t understand. What…”

“I’ve tried to make it work, I really have. I held on for as long as I possibly could. I thought this trip would be good for us, good for you. But when I walked in on you today, I knew. Nothing had changed. Nothing was going to change.” His eyes hardened, fist tightening on the table. “I’m not going to stand by and watch you destroy yourself, Baek.”

Baekhyun swallowed thickly. “Chan…”

“No!” Chanyeol caught himself as not-so-subtle glances came their way, lowered his voice and leaned forward. “I thought I could handle it. I honestly thought that it was nothing serious and after a while, you would let it go. Everyone has morbid thoughts, everyone wonders how or when they’re going to die. But no one courts it the way you do. No one sane, anyway. Do you know what it’s like for me? Do you know how my heart skips a beat every time I walk in on you playing your little games in the bathtub? How I lay awake at night, holding you a little tighter because I need to assure myself that you’re safe? Suppose you faint while you’re down there? Have you ever thought of that? What if I’m not around to save you? What if…what if I’m the one who finds you? Dead, Baekhyun. I know that you think this is fate, some destiny written in the stars and you’re somehow evolved because you’ve accepted it but it’s not. Death is a part of life but it’s not the end game. It’s not the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, it’s not a silver lining, it’s not dessert. You aren’t supposed to welcome it with open arms or rush headlong to meet it. And if by some unspoken law of the universe it is fate, it’s not going to be mine. I want someone who’s willing to live. For me…for himself, for however long we have on this earth. I can’t continue to be in a relationship that has some unknown expiration date. I can’t be in love with a walking corpse.

And…and if you loved me, if you really loved me, you would never have been this selfish. You wouldn’t have made me fall in love with you while waiting for your death knell to ring. Because when you die, where does that leave me? I’m not afraid of dying Baek – or maybe I am to some degree but who isn’t? – but I don’t wake up every morning wondering if today will be the day, wanting today to be the day. And that’s the crux of it. You’re not sick and you’re not dying. I could deal with that. I would take care of you and cherish our time together and when the time came, I would let you go. Because I had to and because you had no choice but to leave me. But this…this half-life you lead, here but not really here, breathing but not really living, I can’t do it anymore. I just…can’t.”

Pain the likes of which Baekhyun had never felt, incomparable even to the burn in his chest when he was deprived of oxygen, clutched his heart, wrenching it in a vice-like grip. He wanted to gasp, his eyes feeling like they might tear up. Chanyeol was right, every word he’d spoken a litany of Baekhyun’s faults. He was selfish. He remembered thinking earlier that dying young was better because he wouldn’t be leaving a family behind to mourn him. But if he died today, now, wouldn’t he be leaving loved ones behind anyway? Chanyeol, his family, his friends. It was stupid now that he’d had it set out so plainly in front of him but when he’d met Chanyeol, he’d fallen in love and he couldn’t think of anyone he would rather spend his remaining days with. He hadn’t really considered how his eventual passing, or his fascination with its imminence, would affect him.

“You’re right,” he said, a small, shameful smile tilting his lips. “I’m…sorry for dragging you into this. What was I thinking?” He laughed humorlessly. “Who wants to be with someone who’s technically already dead, right? It wasn’t fair of me to burden you with my…stuff.”

Chanyeol opened his mouth as if he were about to say something then closed it again. He shook his head, ever so slightly, then raised his hand to hail a passing waitress.

“Cheque, please.”

**********

The drive back to the hotel was silent and Baekhyun was grateful for it.

There was a lot going on inside his head, thoughts that tickled his tongue, begging to be spoken. Part of him wanted to tell Chanyeol that he was wrong, that he did want to be with him, to have a life and future with him but he held back. He’d thought that they would have more time than this but perhaps it was for the best. Whether it was today or the day he died, they would part ways at some point. For Chanyeol’s sake, he would be better off with someone else. Someone who would love and appreciate him, cherish their time together. Someone who wasn’t a constant reminder of the Grimm Reaper.

Turning his head, he looked out the window.

He loved the island, the way the moon hung brightly overhead, the stars shining in the inky night sky. Loved the adventurous, sea and mountain-side roads.. There was a rail at the side of the road and beyond it was a long, slanted embankment. There were sparse trees dotting the embankment but beyond, the water was pitch black, giving no clue as to its depth. Considering that it was the ocean, however, he imagined it was quite deep.

“I’ll sleep on the sofa tonight,” Chanyeol suddenly said. “When we get back home, I’ll go stay with my Mom for a while, until I find a new place.”

Wow, they were really doing this, Baekhyun thought. Everything was happening so fast, a little too fast. He couldn’t really take it all in.

“Okay,” he said. He couldn’t really think of much else and didn’t want to dare try. If he tried to speak, he might break down in tears and beg Chanyeol to stay.

“I… What the heck?”

The words barely registered before Baekhyun realized what was happening.

It was said that accidents sometimes occurred in slow motion, or at least those involved perceived it that way. That was how Baekhyun felt. One minute he was doing his best to stave off the heartache threatening to overwhelm him, the next he was flying.

The car burst through the guard rail and down they went, the ocean rushing up to meet them. Halfway down, they came to an abrupt stop.

Baekhyun took stock of himself, loosening his fingers one by one from where they desperately clutched the dashboard. His chest ached where the seatbelt dug into it but otherwise, he was fine.

“Are you alright?”

He glanced over at Chanyeol who was breathing shallowly, just like he was, but appeared otherwise unhurt.

Nodding, he asked, “What happened?”

“Some was driving on the wrong side of the road,” Chanyeol muttered. “I swerved to avoid him but he swerved and rammed me in the side.”

“Are you okay?” Baekhyun asked, suddenly remembering that he hadn’t inquired about Chanyeol’s wellbeing even though his boyfriend – ex-boyfriend – had. Gosh, he really didn’t deserve him.

“I’m fine,” Chanyeol replied. “Pissed off, but fine. Let’s get out of here. I think we can make it up to the road and we’ll call for help. Or call for help then head up to the road, whichever.”

They decided to do it together, just in case their movements sent the car rolling down the hill again.

Gingerly, they unhooked their seatbelts, opened their doors and put one foot on the ground outside. When nothing happened, they swung their bodies out and away, stopping a safe distance away from the vehicle As they looked at each other over the roof of the car, Baekhyun flashed a relived smile and felt a small thrill when Chanyeol reciprocated.

Chanyeol pulled out his phone and called the emergency services while Baekhyun glanced around, looking up at the trek they’d have to make. The embankment was a lot longer than it had looked from up top. Thankfully the moon was high and full overhead, lending ample light to make their way, and the trees would make adequate handholds if need be.

A pair of gloves would be ideal right about now, he thought.

Suddenly remembering that there was a pair in the glove compartment, which he’d put there just in case when they’d bought the used car, he reached into the car and opened the compartment. He rifled around, finding one side easily but the other proved elusive. He remembered then that Chanyeol had told him time and time again to clean the small space or stop putting his “rubbish” in it because he could never find anything. Sighing to himself, he added that oversight to the many ways in which he’d failed his boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend, he reminded himself again.

Frustrated now, he dropped onto the seat he’d vacated a short while ago and started emptying the contents of the compartment.

“Assa!” he exclaimed, holding the second glove up triumphantly.

“Baekhyun, get out of there now!”

Just as Chanyeol’s voice registered, he realized that the car was moving.

With him in it.

Baekhyun flung himself out of the car, grunting when he landed face-down on the stony ground. He started to heave himself up but when he tried to bend his knee, he felt something tighten around his ankle. Just as he glanced down to see what it was, he started sliding down the hill.

His foot was caught in the seatbelt.

“Baekhyun!”

Panicking, Baekhyun tried wrenching  his foot free, to no avail. He grappled for the ground but the car was picking up speed, dragging him along, so his efforts only resulted in his palms and forearms being gouged.

“Give me your hand!” Chanyeol yelled.

Baekhyun glanced up and saw that Chanyeol had caught up with him. He reached out, his hand clasping Chanyeol’s, but Chanyeol was no match for the weight and speed of the car, causing him to trip and slide, face-first, down the embankment.

But Chanyeol didn’t release him. He held on, tighter than ever.

In that moment, Baekhyun realized that there was a choice he had to make: keep holding on or let go.

They would reach the end of the embankment soon, followed by the drop into the water. They were either both going to die or one of them, Chanyeol, could live.

For a moment, Baekhyun flirted with temptation. If Chanyeol died with him, then he wouldn’t have to worry about leaving him behind to mourn him, to suffer knowing that he couldn’t have saved him. It was the perfect solution.

“See if you can kick your shoe off,” Chanyeol grunted.

That was all it took.

Eyes filled with love and adoration, Baekhyun smiled. “Goodbye, Channie.”

He saw confusion flash across Chanyeol’s face, followed quickly by realization, but it was too late.

He had already let go.

“Baekhyun!”

Closing his eyes, Baekhyun felt his body jerk as the car bucked when it reached the end of the embankment. A fleeting hope passed through him, a thought that maybe it would be enough to stop the car’s progress, but then he felt water surround him, soaking his clothes, and he knew that there would be no going back for him.

This was it. This was the end.

The car was still pulling him down, down, down, though at a much slower pace than before. He opened his eyes but couldn’t see a thing, until he looked up. Then he saw the light beyond the surface, a beacon that he couldn’t heed even if he’d wanted to. It reminded him of when he’d been in the bathtub earlier in the day, preparing himself for this very moment. He noted that his body was responding exactly as he’d trained it to – mouth sealed shut, breathing stalled – and it filled him with a strange sense of pride.

For a few seconds, he was overwhelmed by a feeling of euphoric serenity. He’d been right all along.

But then the burn began. It started in his chest, spreading outward to his lungs and upward to his throat and nose. Before he knew it, he was gulping mouthfuls of water, choking on it as it poured down his throat but his lungs remained starved of oxygen. It was way more intense than anything he’d ever experienced, a thousand times more painful, and he quickly realized why. Though he’d thought that by playing his bathtub games he was somehow taking the reins and preparing himself for the inevitable, he’d always been in control. Always. This, however, was beyond him. There was no getting out of this when he started to feel faint, which he would soon once the adrenaline stopped rushing through his veins. Right now his body was in control, fighting for survival, but soon it would give up and give in.

He remembered now what he’d forgotten when he was little. He’d always remembered drowning, suffocating, but he hadn’t remembered dying, hadn’t remembered the panic and the fear that had gripped him, knowing that his heart would stop beating soon. Until now. Because he was. He was dying.

Using his last bit of strength, Baekhyun kicked and pulled furiously, trying to free his foot from its binding. He screamed, his nose and mouth filling with even more water, when on a particularly vicious pull, he felt something in his ankle snap. Tears welled in his already burning eyes. He curled over as best he could and reached down. His concentration was shot to hell but somehow he managed to get his shoe off and slip his foot free. At least they would find his body, he thought dimly, filled with relief. He didn’t want to rot in the water, didn’t want the fishes to eat him. His family would bury him and have somewhere to mourn when they missed him. Chanyeol too, if he ever forgave him.

Spent, he lay back, his body already beginning a slow ascent, staring up through nearly sightless eyes, counting his heartbeat. He hadn’t realized how slow it had gotten. Thump. 1, 2, 3, 4. Thump. 1, 2, 3, 4. Thump. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6...

His brain was too fuzzy to count anymore and his eyes were drifting shut. Just before they closed completely, he could’ve sworn that the water lit up, as if someone had turned a light on beneath the surface.

A ghostly hand appeared, reaching out to him: a halo of blond hair fanning around an indiscernible face.

An angel?, he wondered.

Absently, he reached up and even though he was chilled to the bone, he could feel warmth in the grip that surrounded him.

Sighing contentedly, he gave himself up and succumbed to the darkness that threatened, confident that there was light on the other wise.

************

The beeping was the first thing he noticed.

It was somewhere near his head and sounded like an alarm going off.

Cringing, he turned his head and tried to raise his hand to swat at the source of the irritant but sudden pain ricocheting up his arm stilled his movements.

His eyes flew open, closing immediately when bright white light burned his retinas.

“You might want to keep them shut a little longer,” an unfamiliar voice advised. “It may take you a while to readjust to having them open.”

Never one to listen to good advice, Baekhyun opened his eyes again, squinting at the blurry form standing beside him.

He tried to open his mouth to say something but realized it was already open. In fact, there was something in his mouth, spiraling down his throat. He tried to swallow but it scraped the walls of his throat and panic arose in his chest, his body immediately going into fight or flight mode.

“I think a little trip back to Lalaland is in order,” the voice said.

Baekhyun wanted to know how he, whoever he was, could possibly sound so amused when he was lying there helpless and struggling to breathe.

There was some shuffling, then suddenly, his body went lax, his mind clouding over, fingers of darkness creeping into his thoughts.

“That’s it. Just relax.”

Baekhyun struggled to stay conscious, to keep his eyes open in defiance, but resistance was futile. His eyelids were already fluttering against his will, much to his annoyance. But just before they slid firmly shut, his eyes locked onto a solitary figure in the corner.

Chanyeol!, his mind cried.

He wanted to call out to him, wanted to raise his hand, but he couldn’t do a thing.

Helplessly, he felt his body slide under once again. The last thing he heard was the voice saying,

“Welcome back, Baekhyun.”

**************

He didn’t know how much time had passed when he awoke next but his eyes flew open, immediately shooting to the corner where he’d last seen Chanyeol.

He wasn’t there.

Just as disappointed started to take root, a wry voice asked, “Looking for me?”

Glancing to the side, Baekhyun saw Chanyeol sitting in a chair beside his bed. Relief swamped him, tears threatening to spill. He heard the beeping beside him speed up and glanced at the heart monitor.

“Hey, calm down,” Chanyeol soothed, patting him on the hand.

Don’t leave me, he wanted to say, but the damn tube was still in his mouth. Instead, he gurgled in frustration.

Chanyeol chuckled. “They’ll be taking that out today, don’t worry. Though I think they advise against speaking for a while. I know that’s going to be hard for you. You being you, I mean.”

Baekhyun rolled his eyes but the tension he hadn’t known he was feeling began to ease. Chanyeol was talking to him, playing around with him. It was a good sign, right?

Just as the thought passed through his mind, Chanyeol’s expression suddenly became serious. He stood and walked to the window, Baekhyun’s gaze tracking his every movement.

He’s thinking, Baekhyun thought. He’s gearing up to say something. Was Chanyeol still going to leave him? He didn’t know why he’d thought his almost dying had changed anything. Why would it after all he’d put Chanyeol through?

“I’ve had a lot of time to think,” Chanyeol began. He glanced over his shoulder. “Two weeks, in fact. In case you were wondering.”

He’d been out for two weeks?, Baekhyun thought, shocked.

“It wasn’t easy, staying by your side, wondering when you’d wake up. If you’d wake up. I thought to myself, “You’re too young to be going through this already.” That’s kind of stupid, though, when you really think about it. Lots of young people lose someone they love; lots of young people die. Death isn’t just for the aged. But when you love someone, that’s what you do. I meant what I said before. If you were sick, I would stay with you and see you through your battle. I would fight it with you and if we lost, so be it. At least we would have fought it together. At least we would have tried.

But you’re still not sick. You’re battered, bruised and broken but you’ll recover and you’ll have a long life ahead of you. If you want it.”

The door opened just then and a man came in wearing a white coat. He smiled at Chanyeol before turning to Baekhyun.

“Well, look who’s joined us in the land of the living and psychologically cognizant.”

It was the voice. Baekhyun frowned at the man, Dr. Kim according to the pin on his pocket, wishing he’d waited another five minutes so he could’ve heard the rest of Chanyeol’s speech. If he was going to break up with him again, he’d rather get it done and over with.

“You’re a very lucky young man, Baekhyun, do you know that?” Dr. Kim flashed a penlight in his eyes, momentarily blinding him, as he continued his idle prattle. “If not for your friend over here, you’d be in a pine box six feet under right now. Or ashes, whichever you prefer.”

Baekhyun’s gaze swung to Chanyeol.

“You owe him your life. If he hadn’t pulled you out of the water and began resuscitation efforts before the medics got there, it would have been too late. As it was, you were legally dead for at least twenty minutes but he wouldn’t give up and he wouldn’t allow anyone else to give up either. They literally had to pull him off to work on you. That’s dedication right there. I don’t think any of my friends would go to such lengths for me. Not even my wife.” He chuckled softly. “Then again, that might be why she’s about to be my ex-wife. Anyway…”

The doctor’s voice droned on but Baekhyun didn’t hear a word he said. His brain was still stuck on the part about him being legally dead and Chanyeol bringing him back to life.

He thought back to the night of the accident, the last few moments before he’d died. It was a bit hazy but he remembered the light in the water, wondering why it suddenly got so bright, and then the angel reaching out to him.

Looking over at Chanyeol, it dawned on him that it hadn’t been an angel after all.

He remembered the day they’d gone to the salon, one returning home with bronze highlights, the other with an unruly cap of curly blond hair. They’d made a bet, Chanyeol had lost, and although Baekhyun had given him an out at the very last minute, Chanyeol had gone through with it. He was a man of his word, Park Chanyeol. And the blond hair suited him, surprisingly.

“…so you’re going to be hobbling around on crutches for at least a month, I’m afraid,” the doctor was saying. “But, all things considered, you’re in pretty good shape. The bandages should be off soon, though your hands are going to be raw for a while, and in a few days you can go home. Let me get the nurse and we’ll get that tube out.”

Baekhyun paid no attention to the doctor as he took his leave, his eyes still glued to Chanyeol. He wanted to say…something. Thank you; I owe you my life; I love you. All were true yet incredibly insufficient, though.

“Before he comes back, I just have one thing to say to you,” Chanyeol began, picking up where he’d left off. “You died. Twice, by my count. This is your third chance at life. Make the best of it. Most of us only get one.” He stepped closer and took Baekhyun’s hand in his. “I love you and I want to be with you but only if you’re ready to live, really live. No more death, no more dying. Just live, if not for me then for yourself.”

Baekhyun nodded immediately, his eyes screaming a thousand yeses.

A small smile tilted Chanyeol’s lips. “Is that a yes?”

Baekhyun nodded again and squeezed Chanyeol’s fingers with his own.

Before either one could communicate again, the doctor returned with a nurse in tow and Chanyeol shuffled back, giving them space.

A few minutes later, Baekhyun was coughing his guts out. Or that was what it felt like, at least. His throat was parched so the doctor gave him a cup of water but just as he started to tell him to drink slowly, Baekhyun gulped the entire contents of the cup and immediately brought it back up all over himself, choking on his own dry heaves.

After a quick change of blankets and his hospital gown, he was once left alone with Chanyeol.

They were together again, having made up, yet he still felt like the air needed clearing.

“I’m going to go get something to eat,” Chanyeol said, breaking the silence. “I’ll be back soon.”

He got to his feet, leaned over and pressed a gentle kiss to Baekhyun’s forehead. He paused for a moment, staring deeply into Baekhyun’s eyes, before straightening and turning away.

“I didn’t let go because I wanted to die,” Baekhyun said suddenly. His voice was hoarse and croaky but loud enough that he knew that Chanyeol had heard him.

Chanyeol turned back, a slight frown settling between his brows.

Color seeped into Baekhyun’s cheeks but he continued. “I let go because I wanted you to live.”

He didn’t know why but it was somehow imperative that Chanyeol knew that. He needed him to know that he hadn’t given up in the end, that he hadn’t let go because his “destiny” had finally been fulfilled. He’d done it because it was the only way he could’ve saved Chanyeol: Chanyeol who loved him too much to let him go, Chanyeol who loved him enough to bring him back.

Chanyeol stared at him for a moment, his face impassive, not a hint of what he was thinking or feeling reflected in his features.

Then, like the clouds parting in the sky to make way for the sun, he smiled, the transformation in his handsome face easing the remaining strain in Baekhyun’s chest.

“I know.”

***************

A few days later…

The wind whipped around him, tugging at his hair and putting color into his cheeks, and Baekhyun closed his eyes and breathed it in.

He would miss this, he thought. The smell of the ocean, the fresh crispness of the breeze. Seoul was great but nothing compared to clean, pollution-free air. If he and Chanyeol ever got married, he decided, they were doing it in Jeju. It was their island.

Opening his eyes, he looked out over the ocean as they raced along the side of the mountain. He should have been afraid, he thought, terrified after what had happened to him. But just like he’d jumped back into the pool a week after drowning the first time, nothing was going to keep him from visiting his favorite restaurant before heading back home to Seoul. Not even a little death-defying car-ride down the side of a hill. His only regret was that he couldn’t bathe in the ocean too. Glaring down at the cast on his leg, running from mid-calf to foot, he was tempted to bang it on something, if only to relieve his frustration, but that would only cause him unnecessary pain. Sadly, he’d found out the hard way.

Sighing, he turned towards Chanyeol, his expression immediately brightening.

He looked good, the scratches on his face barely visible, not that it made him look any less handsome in Baekhyun’s eyes. With his hair blowing in a golden frenzy and his eyes covered by his dark sunglasses, the tiny scars gave him a mysterious, rakish air. Very hot, Baekhyun thought with approval. Sitting behind the wheel of a convertible, their new rental courtesy of Baekhyun’s parents, made him look even more big-screen worthy. Pride swelled in Baekhyun’s chest. It was okay to be vain every now and again, he thought. Chanyeol was indeed a catch, and not just because he was good-looking, though that certainly helped.

“I can smell the smug seeping off of you,” Chanyeol teased, turning his head towards him momentarily.

Baekhyun couldn’t see his eyes but he knew that they were laughing at him, could picture them clearly in his mind.

“I was just thinking about how lucky I am. How many people can honestly say that the love of their life saved it? Literally.”

And it was true. He could never repay Chanyeol for that.

He laid his hand on Chanyeol’s thigh, needing to touch him, to be close.

He would probably always need him, and he was okay with that because he knew that Chanyeol would be there every step of the way. Like when he started seeing his new therapist the following week. The old him would have balked at Chanyeol’s suggestion but the new him saw no harm in it. Whatever it took to convince Chanyeol that he was in this with him for the long run, that he was committed to this life that Chanyeol had gifted him, he would do. Death was no longer his companion, a siren luring him to his doom. He knew the truth about death now, would remember it for the rest of his life, and there was no room for it before it was finally his time, once and for all. There was only Chanyeol. Chanyeol and the living.

When Chanyeol’s hand closed over his, he smiled and looked out at the beautiful blue water once more.

They say that everything happens for a reason.

Baekhyun still didn’t know who they were or why they had the right to say anything at all – like seriously, who made them the authority on anything? – but maybe, just maybe…they were right.

A/N: This was spawned from a deep, dark place inside me that was convinced at one point that I would die by age 40. And then when I got sick a little while ago I was terrified that it was something really serious. I still have residual anxiety about it but my body is better, even if my mind is wary. I suppose I'll get over it eventually. Or I hope so anyway. In the meantime, writing about it is kind of therapeutic I guess.

PS: I know that this is very dramatic by my standards but I'm allowed on occasion, right?