“Baby” I called, hoping that she will at least look at me.

It’s been two days since she started zoning out and so far, nothing has changed. My daughter is still staring at blank space, motionless and not saying even one word. Her doctors told us that we’ll be seeing a little improvement in her, but up until now there’s none.

“We’ll be moving to Appa’s apartment today” I told her, while packing her things.

Yesterday, I’ve decided to move in to my bachelor’s pad because I’ve realized that the pension and even the house where Billie and I lived will only remind her about certain memories, specifically, Lyric’s. I’m going to give her a new environment and I’m hoping to see some changes in her after.

“I lived in that apartment for years…it’s not that big….but…I’m sure you’ll enjoy it there” I just keep on talking because this will help her.

God knows how painful it is to interact with someone who you love so much and not get any response from them when you badly wanted to.

“I miss you baby” I whispered then hugged her tightly “I miss your laughs…your endless and random questions…everything…I miss the times where I’ll pretend to run away when you’re about to hug me and you’ll chase me just to give me the tightest and warmest hug…that is full of love”

Crying is now normal to me already for I’ve been shedding buckets of tears for days now, non-stop. I don’t know, but whenever I see Cara Belle sitting on the couch alone, zoned out, I’ll be reminded of the times when she’s running around the flat, giggling all by herself. I feel like the child in her was taken away by me for I’m the sole reason why she’s going through a tough time.

Yes, I’m blaming myself for all this coz if it weren’t for me and my dumb heart, our lives won’t be in a mess and we’ll be living happily without awkwardness and pretensions. I’m telling you, if only I can bring back the time, I’ll correct the wrong and stay focused on what matters most, and that’s my daughter. I’ve been selfish and this is what my selfishness brought me.

“Jiyong” Noona called, surprising me for I didn’t notice her walking in the room.

I immediately wiped my tears then forced a smile at her “Oh!”

Her eyes are glued at me. I can see pity in them and even though I hate it, I’m taking it all in. Actually, if there’s someone to be pitied, it’s my little girl for she was drag to hell innocently and is now experiencing how it feels like in that hot pit.

“Aigoo” Noona pulled me for a hug and as usual, I broke down in her arms again.

“Cry it all out….you’ve been holding back since day one and it’s your time to explode for I can see in you that all you wanted now is to lash it all out” she said while rubbing my back for comfort.

I pulled out then shook my head “I can’t Noona…I can’t” I keep on repeating, my mind is saying a different thing and my heart is opposing to it.

“Look” she caressed my cheek “If you’re going to keep the pain inside…how will you be able to last long? I know that you’re breaking down in the privacy of your room…but…it’s much better to share your pain to somebody and that somebody is us…your family….we’re your pillars…we’ll be giving you the strength that you need…if you’re not going to voice out what’s inside you and just pretend that you’re fine…you will not last…you’re acting strong in front of Belle but I’m telling you…she can feel that you’re going weak as days pass by and that’s not going to help” Noona’s words pierced through my chest into my heart and stabbed me.

For days now, I’ve been pretending to be strong. I act like I’m all good and cool coz as I’ve said, I don’t want to be pitied. I don’t want to be called weak for my weakness will just drag not only me but my daughter as well in deep . I want to be strong for us, especially for her.

“Oh!” I gasped in shock upon seeing tears rolling down Cara Belle’s cheek.

The only thing that my daughter can do is cry and every time I see her tears, I feel like I’m being stepped on by a million elephants. Just imagine your child crying without you knowing the reasons why. I swear. It’ll make you feel so helpless.

“Baby” I wiped her tears with the sleeve of my sweater then pulled her closer to me “It’s all good...Appa’s here” I assured her then hugged her tightly.

After a while, I finally break down coz it seems like my heart has no room for pretensions anymore. Noona carried Cara Belle out of the room while I’m balling out and she came back after a while with Omma to comfort me.

“Aigoo…Jiyong-ah”

If there’s another person who’s hurting as much as mine, it’s my mother. She’s a strong woman. She has gone through a lot and has endured all the scandals that were made by me and thrown at me during my controversial years in the entertainment industry, but it seems like those scandals are nothing compared to this.

“I want her to be fine already….I want to see her moving…walking around and playing…I miss my daughter …I miss the little girl who laughs in the most silly jokes…the girl that will come to you just to give random hugs and kisses and tell you how much she loves you” I started in between sobs.

“I’m to blame for all this…I brought my own daughter” I pointed at myself angrily “In this situation…I can’t even imagine how Billie would react to this…she left this world telling me to take care of the child that she’ll be leaving and what