I looked at you through the glass window. You smiled at me as if you were the happiest man on the planet.  I can’t help but at least smile back before you go.  I know that deep inside you, pain and hurt reigns. I turned my gaze upon the men and women wearing white robes, their faces are all emotionless— as if operating on a human being is as common as drinking coffee. One doctor removed the cover from your body, ready to remove another of your vital organs. I looked at your face, trying to read it. You are still smiling, but I could see tears well in your eyes.

I remembered when we were back at the dorms, when your smile was the purest thing I see. When things weren’t so complicated…

“Hongki, I have a gift for you…”

I looked up at you and laughed when I saw you smiling shyly. This isn’t like you. Most of the time, you were never shy, you always tell people what you feel. I looked at the small box in your hands, wondering what is inside.

“What’s that?” I pointed at the box.

You looked away from me and scratched your scalp. I can feel embarrassment radiating from you and smiled encouragingly. “A gift, obviously.”

I took it from your hands and opened it. I felt happiness when I saw what’s inside. It’s a simple silver necklace with skull and crossbones as pendant. I looked up at you and said, “Thank you.” I laughed when you blushed. “What’s this for?” I asked.

You gave me a long look before sitting down beside me. We were in the grassy field of Hailsham, our school/dorm, sitting and relaxing. “It’s your birthday,” you said. “I heard birthday celebrants are given gifts.”

I sighed. “Jonghun, isn’t that for the Originals?”

Frowning, you answered, “Stop that. Don’t listen to Jaejin. We aren’t trash. We’re just different…”

Yes, we are different. We are not ordinary people. We are clones, made to prolong human lives. By the time we reach the age of twenty one, we are brought to a laboratory where we will begin our donations. Most clones ‘complete’—as we call the moment of our last breath—by the third donation. If you are strong enough, you can live up to four donations. Most of us don’t want that because after the third donation, we are completely senseless, unable to move, to function and yet they’ll continue to remove your vital organs until you finally die. One of our friends, Jaejin, who had always been cynical about our kind, said that we were modeled on trash, that people would never model us after those who have a decent job, decent lives. I still remember his words: “We are modeled on trash. We just never say it, but deep inside we know it. They will never model us after people who have decent lives. If you want to look for Originals, look in the gutter. There you’d see your Original; he may be a junky, e, psycho, maybe even a convict.”

I looked at you. You were always the optimist. Silly Jonghun is what I call you sometimes.

“Hongki…” I blinked, startled when you whispered my name. “Trust me, we aren’t trash.”

You were still smiling at me, while tears began to pool in my eyes. I thought I can watch this as easily as watching those stupid dramas we watched on the TV. I was wrong.  Looking at you now, even though I’ve seen this happening a lot of times, I can’t help feeling a sense of dread. Meeting you was the best thing that ever happened in my life, you must know that…

“Who are you?” you asked imperiously, as if you’re a king and I’m a slave.

I stubbornly lifted my chin. “I’m Lee Hongki.”

I was surprised when you smiled. “I’m Choi Jonghun. I like you. I think we’re going to be friends.”

We did become friends, almost inseparable. We came to know each other so well that even without speaking; I know what you’re thinking of. I’d say, “Jonghun, you know…” and you’d say, “Yeah, I know.” And we’d laugh.

Partners in crime, that’s what we are. Even the most serious among us can’t escape our tricks. I don’t know how it happened and neither do you, but we fell in love with each other. It was like falling off a cliff, it was unstoppable. It proved we aren’t machines, that we are capable of feeling emotions.

“Hongki, let’s escape from here, let’s try to live like Originals. Like those people we watch on tv.”

I wanted to, really I do. But we both know we can’t. We’ve heard stories, horrible stories, about those who escaped. They either starved or die. There never is a happy ending for us. It was never our fate.

“Hongki, you know I love you, right?”

I nodded, feelings of love flooding in my chest. Of course I love you. How can I not? You were the brightest thing out here. You’re like the ray of sunshine, not only to me but to all of us. Your optimism kept us from depression. One smile and you’ll melt all our hearts.

I closed my eyes when I saw the doctor inject something in your IV. Must be something to make you sleep. Tears finally fell from my eyes. Your eyes will close, just like all of the donors I’ve seen before, and it will never open, for this is your third time, the operation that will finally take you away from me forever. I watched as your eyes fight against sleeping. They were always so dark, like a night sky without stars. I sobbed, knowing you’d never open them again, knowing I’d never see those dark orbs again. Those eyes that turns into a fireball when you get mad, into shards of ice when you feel indifferent, and into balls of passion whenever you look at me.

I gasped when your lips touched the hollow at the base of my throat. My hands found its resting place at your hair. I whispered your name, “Jonghun…” everytime your lips connected to my skin.

You stopped kissing my neck and leveled your eyes with mine. They were full of passion and love and something else. Loneliness, maybe?

“I love you,” you said in a hoarse voice.

I smiled and whispered, “I love you more.”

After those words, your lips crashed into mine. We were in our own world. You opened the buttons of my pajamas and kissed each part of my chest that is exposed. I moaned. It fueled you more. You dragged me in your arms, holding me tight, not wanting to let go. One day you will, but not now. Now is ours.

You finally closed your eyes, finally unable to fight unconsciousness. I watched, silently willing you to open them. But you’re now beyond my reach.

The doctors started to cut through your skin after putting a respirator on your nose. I turned my back and cried silently. I’ll never let you go, you said. You promised, damn you! I thought we can fight it, fight destiny? How come we’re trapped? There was never a choice for us. We know it and yet we feel hurt. They said we were nothing but machines, but if we were, why do we laugh? Why do we feel happiness? Why do we cry and feel loneliness? They were wrong. We aren’t trash. We may be different from them, from Originals, from normal humans, but in a way we are the same aren’t we? We all die. Not at the same time, but we all die. We all complete…

I stared at the ocean, envying it. It goes on forever, oceans. They never end. They differ in names but they are all from the same source. It’s been three weeks since I lost you. Tomorrow I’ll be donating my liver, my third and last donation. I weakly smiled. We are going to be together in heaven right? Of course there’s heaven. How could there be not? I want to be with you now, not tomorrow, now. I can’t wait to see you. I looked up at the sky and thought I saw your face. As usual, you were smiling. I smiled back. I was never able to resist your smile. I closed my eyes, suddenly feeling weak. Your smile grew wider and you laid your palms open. I stretched my arms, trying to touch your hands, and when I did, all energy left me.  I lapsed into unconsciousness. I finally completed.