it begins like every other night. he puts the food on the table on two white plates and two glasses of iced water. she doesn’t like extra ice so he only puts three cubes. she’s very conscious about numbers and leans over to check. she doesn’t seem happy tonight and he knows not to ask yet. she glances across the table and then at the food, pushing it around with her fork and spoon.

the salad looks appetising to him, but she doesn’t eat that, either. it’s normal, he assumes. there are days that she doesn’t eat. he is only grateful that it’s not weeks of starvation like before. still, he can’t help but think that she’s grown thinner in the few hours that he left her. he’s a lot more paranoid than he was, two months ago. there’s a stale silence and not a word leaves his cracked lips as he eats cautiously.

not as cautiously as she does. he tries a different approach today. “you should eat something,” he mumbles, eyes not quite meeting hers, steps away from putting food in front of because it worries him whenever she doesn’t

“don’t tell me what to do,” she answers, sharp and rebellious. she’s usually not this grumpy, and he notices things like these. he looks up from the table and she’s glaring straight at him, as if he’s committed a horrible sin and he should know better. he doesn’t expect such an attitude from her and he’s tempted to say something in return, but bites his tongue back in an effort to prevent arguments.

a heavy sigh that’s lodged in his throat unintentionally makes its way out and she flips. “jesus, jonghyun, if you hate me so much, you could just say so.” and with that simple sentence she leaves him hanging while she pushes the food away viciously and walks out of the living room, thinking that it’s hugely ironic because more than half of the time she feels more dead than living.

he doesn’t know what to make of it all because honestly, she’s never flared up at him before, and the last time she came close was when she got upset about him not showing up on time, and she was actually laughing that one time. maintaining his silence and allowing her to calm down because he supposes she’s seething and raging in their room and cursing him, he cleans up after her and reminds himself that he deserves no right to be mad at her.

mad, he repeats to himself, laughing dryly. it’s hilarious.

the food that can’t be kept goes into the trash, and the others get wrapped up for lunch tomorrow, just as always. it just keeps piling up and jonghyun doesn’t have a clue as to what to do with it. the salvation army don’t take food, do they? he throws the question to the back of his mind and wipes the table before heading into the bedroom, running his fingers through his hair, expecting her to be a little angry.

it’s the exact opposite when he lands himself inside, her face streaming with tears. for a long moment he stands there with his mouth hung open in shock. he doesn’t study psychology and there’s nothing in his knowledge that he can use to do something about it. that is, until he regains a certain substantial amount of composure to reach over and pick her up, envelope her in his muscular arms, the backs of her thighs and her spine.

“hey, hey, don’t cry. i’m fine, look.” he smiles a little, as much as he can manage, and she takes staggered breaths while sobbing into his shoulder, squeezing him until he feels asphyxiated, but he imagines she feels a million times worse and grits his teeth, toughing it out like a boyfriend should. she remembers how once upon a time this would be enough for her to be okay. it’s never okay anymore. “sooyeon, look at me. baby, please. look at me.”

she doesn't look, and he only holds her tighter and doesn’t say anything more, because he needs to love her unconditionally and that includes protecting her from her fears and the darkness at her weakest. he knows that it’s when she needs him the most. night falls as a blanket over both of them and he forces himself to stay awake until she sleeps, and he realises it’s when she stops crying.

he blames himself for letting her cry herself to sleep, and not coming in earlier, amongst all other things he finds faults in himself with. he figures the only difference between him and her is that he doesn’t let the faults take over and get in his head.

he’s up late completing last-minute assignments for the third time in the week and it’s only thursday. on top of that, he hasn’t had dinner with her because he’s been coming home late from the university with heavy stacks of papers and tired expressions. in the small bedroom, the lamp is on and he’s working under the dimmest lights, scribbling away and alternating between sheets of papers and the laptop.

jessica tries to understand him; she really does. whenever he comes back later than usual, she waits up for him and then goes to sleep, and sometimes he finds her falling asleep in the living room, sitting in an awkward position. but what he doesn’t see is what’s going on inside, when she tries to fight away the nightmares alone and shrivels up into a ball, trembling and clenching her fists in fear.

she bunches up the blanket around her waist and sits up, staring at his back, and watching him bent over, probably squinting because it hurts his eyes having to look at the small text. “jonghyun, i was thinking about visiting,” she proposes, treading on thin ice and resisting the urge to spring up behind him and drag him away from his work. she feels like a needy child who desperately needs attention and worries about what she’s become.

“mhm,” he answers, not looking up. he needs to finish the assignment before midnight and the deadline’s already been extended twice. “sounds good.” normally he would know better than to answer like that but he really can’t afford to stop since he’s not even halfway done and the stress has been tearing him apart lately.

“i haven’t even said where,” she retorts, a half-whine as she sinks back into the bed, drawing the covers closer and huffing. jonghyun puts his pen down for a short moment and lets it all out in one singular breath. “look, jessica, i really need to finish this and it’s not that i don’t want to talk to you but this is very important.” the end of the sentence arrives slower than the guilt that fills his heart and completely overwhelms him. “oh, god. sica —”

she’s up and out of the apartment faster than he can catch her and the door slamming close is extremely loud and incredibly close. he decides that she wants to be alone and doesn’t chase after her for once, burying his head deep into the words and numbers and his head is pounding with all kinds of thoughts, having half the heart to blame her insensitivity to his emotions. he convinces himself again that he should’ve given her more attention.

hours later he’s done, pushing his laptop away and glancing at the clock, which incidentally just strikes two thirty in the am. the realisation that jessica isn’t home yet strikes him hard and even in the midst of his exhaustion and mild irritation, he races out of the apartment and down the street, and it’s frigid cold but there’s nothing else on his mind but finding jessica. he knows it’s going to be a long journey, and the fact that she refuses to have a phone makes it worse.

he searches through all the places she could possibly be, all the way until four am, and that’s when he decides that there’s no way he’ll ever find her and he’s probably better off putting his head between his legs and crying. he takes a bus home because he’s running short of cash and halfway through the trip when the bus stops by the park a few meters from their apartment, he sees the pink teddy bear pyjamas and dirty blonde hair flowing over it, faceless.

he suddenly shouts at the bus driver to stop and several people grumble and others just peer curiously at him as he jumps off the bus and runs faster than he’s ever had in his life, a sheen of sweat dotting over his forehead showing as his calloused palms pull her shoulders close. it feels like a replay of the incident that happened not too long ago and it hurts more than it should. maybe because it’s another day to add to his list. he presses furious kisses to her face and one almost painful, searing kiss to her lips.

“i love you, jessica jung,” he abruptly confesses, “don’t do that to me again. you scared the hell out of me, you know? running off like that —”

“then why didn’t you come after me?” and just like that, jonghyun is speechless again, almost going to tell her how much work he’s been occupied with within the week and his tolerance level is at is minimum and she can’t expect him to be able to cope with that many things at once, but it’s all just excuses and they amount to nothing eventually. jessica is sorry and jonghyun is ashamed of himself and they just can’t fix it anymore. it’s past the point of trying to piece themselves back together again.

neither of them want to admit it. “you should’ve come after me,” she mutters. jonghyun’s thoughts come out as three words, “yeah, i should’ve.”

the issue doesn’t surface itself again until weeks later when they’re lying barely clothed in the bed, his frame casting a shadow over hers, his eyes visibly tracing the lack of flesh and the abundance of bones, of what used to be almost healthy. his fingers are interlaced with hers and he feels her breathing, wondering how hard her heart is working to circulate blood throughout her feather-light body.

jessica wonders aloud, “i think we should break up.” he doesn’t have a second to think before she goes on, he’s unsure if it’s just rambling while she’s dreaming, or she’s actually been thinking about it. either way, it’s not a good thing. “you’re going to hate me if we go on like this, you know. you’re going to hate me because i keep losing it these days, and when i don’t, i want you to be with me. you’re going to hate me because i’m not like the other normal girls.”

jonghyun has never asked for normal so he doesn’t see why it’s such a problem. evidently she doesn’t think the same, and he’s having a hard time trying to comprehend why she’s being so difficult all of a sudden. “i really think we should break up. i’m not good for you.”

there it is. she’s pinpointed the issue she’s been beating around the bush with for the past few days and he knows better than anyone else that when jessica says something at this time of night, she means it with all her heart. he blinks back stupid tears and nods, whispering to her to go back to sleep, promising that he’ll give her what she wants, if it’s truly what she thinks is best for the both of them. they’ll always need each other, but maybe it’s just that they’ve started out so wrong that they can’t ever make it right.

standing by watching her self-destruct hurts him too, and he wants her to be happy over everything else. she turns away from him and curls up on her side of the bed, already drawing the line that’s only going to lengthen when he’s physically disappeared from her life. again, he waits for her to fall asleep before he lets his eyes close. the blame falls on him again because he didn’t try to make it better.

the morning comes in lightning speed and jessica wakes to the letter on the side of the bed, jonghyun’s clothes vanished and belongings gone, laptop and books too. his handwriting is neat and the letter’s perfect, except for the one drop of water smudging the end of it where he signs off. her eyes scan through the paper but the most important lines stick in her head first.

i want you to be happy more than i want myself to be happy, sooyeon. remember that i’m only a phone call away, and i love you more than anything in this world. the apartment is yours for as long as you want it. please be happy.

she wants to scream that she didn’t mean it and she wants for him to come back but at the very core of her heart she knows that he’s not going to return and he’s not waiting for her outside the house to get ready for breakfast and that there’s no one for her to scream to. so she swallows painfully and tucks the letter away along with her heart, into a box under the bed, and makes plans for the day, just like she usually would, because life goes on with or without the pain.

jessica decides to slot in the interview for that job at starbucks she’s delayed for months now, since she’s going to have to fend for herself. it doesn’t feel right, not circling dates with jonghyun and writing out the day’s events and filling empty holes with empty dreams. at least there used to be something. now it doesn’t seem to make sense anymore but she forces herself to.

hours later, she dolls herself up as best as she can in a dress that hangs off her bony shoulders and hides her stick thin body. she glances in the mirror and realises that there are knots in her hair. the brush can’t be found and she just sweeps it to the side, letting the sunlight shine on her pale skin. it looks sickly and she wants to throw up just looking at it — if she had anything to throw up.

the following month is hectic as she tries to make something work in her life. somehow with a few stares and an oversized uniform she gets the job at starbucks, but it can’t feel the same anymore. sometimes she catches herself staring at nothing in particular, living in the memories of jonghyun, hating how all of a sudden everything reminds her of him.

she wonders if he’s moved on, or if they’re both in this state of wallowing, spiralling into an endless down and she wants to call him, pick up the phone and dial his number and tell him that she misses him, but she can’t be so dependent on him anymore. one of the lazy afternoons at starbucks, the usual family hour, a little girl comes up to the counter and points at jessica, tugging on her mother’s hand. “mommy, why is she so thin?”

it takes every single fibre in her body to maintain a smile on her face as she answers the question for the mother who looks stunned at her daughter’s own question. jessica knows that children always have the strongest intuition. “i fell sick lately, so i haven’t been eating a lot. don’t worry, i’ll get better soon. what would you like to have for today?” the girl seems wary and reaches out to hold jessica’s hand, curling her fingers around jessica’s pinkie.

for a long while she isn’t sure who the child is, between the two of them. “i hope your prince takes care of you well, mommy always tells me all princesses have a prince,” the girl responds, a reassuring smile causing something within jessica to break, a bone or the last bit of her sanity, she doesn’t know. and as the afternoon draws on she decides that it’s best for her to take the rest of the day off. truth is, she hasn’t been eating for a week now, and it feels like she’s bounced back to her old life, submitting to the fear of gaining.

there isn’t a reason why she doesn’t eat, really. she knows it’s bad for her, that people don’t like it when girls are unnaturally thin, that her stomach can hurt a lot for long periods at a time, that her health is being compromised, but she just can’t push the food down. it always finds a way to make its way back up again. sometimes, she doesn’t even try to correct it. she just doesn’t want food.

as she makes her way home, jessica glances through the windowpane of the cake store that she and jonghyun used to go to, to purchase birthday cakes, anniversary cakes, or celebration cakes. she remembers how he would let her choose, and how they’d always end up getting the berry flavoured ones and she would insist on getting the larger cakes. he’d get them for her even if it burns a hole in his wallet.

it feels like a lot of lies, now that she thinks of it. lies that she’d be able to finish even a single slice of the cake after it’s been bought, lies that he’d be able to clear up the rest of it somehow, by giving it to the kids at the orphanage nearby, lies that jessica doesn’t know the things that he does to make her happy. she sees the walls they’ve built for themselves around each other, just because it’s a last ditch effort at upkeeping a proper relationship.

maybe it’s what ruined them in the end, jessica concludes.

the next two weeks go by without her eating much, only occasionally popping a fruit in because it’s the only healthy thing still sitting in the apartment that’s not going to expire soon. she doesn’t bother going grocery shopping because there’s nothing to buy. she arrives to work on monday morning and reports for duty as always, surviving on the meagre pay that she receives, not complaining.

jonghyun secretly still pays for the bills but jessica hasn’t opened the addressed envelopes to know. the morning shift is busy, and in the middle of it all her head starts to get dizzy and her stomach feels like it’s churning, and while she’s running coffee into a cup, her fingers slip clumsily and hot water gushes onto her skin. she doesn’t feel the pain because she’s already collapsed onto the ground.

people rush her to the hospital as she zones in and out, focusing on and blurring out the doctors working over her. all kinds of things are stuck and pushed into her body and she feels a lot more violated than she’s ever had but they inject some sort of sleeping drug into her, preventing her from kicking and screaming her lungs out that she doesn’t need all of this, that she didn’t skip annual health-checkups at school for this. there’s no one who can fix her. 

somehow or another jonghyun’s name is thrown into the mix, it passes from a nurse’s lips days after the initial commotion. she aches all over and it’s uncomfortable being dressed in hospital’s pyjamas. she pulls at her skin that sags over and frowns at the suddenly bloated chipmunk cheeks, possibly a side effect from one of the numerous medicines being fed to her.

she doesn’t know how to fight them, so she just lets them do whatever they want. as long as food doesn’t get forced down , she’s okay. she avoids the weighing machine in the bathroom like it’s a disease and avoids the mirror like it’s a nightmare, because the reality is that she doesn’t want to face those without jonghyun by her side. she can only think about how horrified he must be to hear about this.

her suspicions come true and a nurse comes in to inform her that she has a visitor coming down to check if she’s okay tomorrow, and that he requested to spend a full day with her. she only nods, not b with happiness as she thought she’d be, just not knowing what’s the right thing to feel anymore. in some ways, she feels as if she’s disappointed him.

as jonghyun enters the hospital sunday morning, and walks down the rooms to her ward, he finds her peacefully sleeping and he kids himself and tells himself that it’s just the hospital playing a practical joke on him, that she just happened to come down with a cold and there’s nothing more to it than that, until he walks closer and notices every little detail about how much she’s changed.

how her eyes are sunken in and her fingers are so much more bony, how her cheeks stick out and her jawline is much clearer, how there are so many drips surrounding her and how she seems so uncomfortable even in her sleep. he watches her breathe in the stale cold air of the hospital and runs his fingers delicately across her arm, afraid of her fragility at this point, realising how many times she needed someone and how many times he wasn’t there to help her.

her eyes flutter open and he stares at him with disbelief for an infinite amount of time, and then he lowers himself down to kiss her with a fervent passion, because even though it’s been only a month, it feels a lot more like years, and looks a lot like that too. for the first time, the taste of his lips are registered in her head and she’s reminded of all the food that has passed between his lips when she couldn’t eat them.

it’s a wordless reunion and nothing feels new between them, no restored relationship, just some more walls. his lips remind her of thrilling high-school summers but she knows that soon enough winter takes over and as the air grows cold, they’ll fall apart too, but for now she revels in his scent that she’s missed for the month, and permanently scraps the idea of ever working at starbucks again.

she thinks he would agree. (he does.) the first word is uttered by jessica, breaking the silence. “you shouldn’t have come back.” he expects her to say a few sentences more to drive him away, just like yesterday. no, she bites her lips and drags him onto the bed with her, jonghyun using all of his strength to not crush her beneath him. “i shouldn’t have left,” he finally answers.

his words echo in her head and she hears the regret in them, and she wants to tell him it’s okay, but they’ll never be okay, and she just deals with it, holding on to the shirt that she bought for him so many months ago, and along with that, the end of the string that he offers her, tied around her heart and putting her life on the line for him. and all that she thinks is how much of a burden she is to him.

it’s what their love is about, she assumes. he never understand why her sadness goes away and she never understands why he loves her, what it is about her that keeps him by her side. but at the end of the day they cave into each other and never let the other get swept away by anything or anyone else.

a hundred and twenty fights later (because they think it’s a better way to measure time), jessica goes for her weekly check-up and jonghyun thinks he’s doing the right thing by her, holding her hand tightly as she peers at the scale, bursting with happiness when she hits the healthy mark. he feels it’s a milestone, and proposes that they should have cake to celebrate. she’s still afraid of what else may come her way and whether or not she’ll suffer from a relapse, but jonghyun has made a promise to her and she values his words above all else. his love is a promise.

he’s not going to give up on her, and even when she is too sad to love herself, he loves her enough so that both of them can last.

end