Merci d'être mon bonheur
  

Lu Han had his phone number changed two months after last seeing Sehun. He simply could not deal with the excessive amounts of calls he was receiving from Sehun. Looking back at it, it was not completely necessary – he could have simply blocked Sehun. However, blocking Sehun’s phone number was still a step too far, an action too bold, and Lu Han was not ready yet. So instead, he cut off the whole connection itself, throwing everything away and destroying the last possible way of ever hearing the other’s voice.

It was a tough period for Lu Han. He could be doing fine for days or weeks, but then crash down because he was shopping in the grocery store and saw Sehun’s favourite chocolates. At those moments, the pain would be relentless and brutal, but every single time it got just the slightest bit better. Every single time was hurtful and difficult to get through, but he got through it regardless. He got through it by focusing on his volunteering work. He got through it by helping people who were having harsh times too, instead of spending it with alcohol and one-night lovers.

And that saved him.

The last blow came around a year after the breakdown – a year after last seeing Sehun – when he was waiting in front of the cinema for a friend. There was enthusiasm bubbling up from the bottom of his spine at the thought of watching an action movie he had been waiting for so long already. It was a moment in which he felt a bit more alive again. It was a moment in which he wanted to believe in life again.

However, at some point, his eyes landed on a poster promoting a romance movie – the male embracing his bride tightly while looking at her with loving eyes – and he just felt a tug at his heart. He just felt this tugging that took away his breath. The bubbling he was feeling quickly turned into burning, and all of a sudden he felt like crying. All of a sudden he felt like crying for something that was taken from him. The poster itself was not anything breathtaking or special, so Lu Han could not understand what made him feel this way. He could not understand why he was feeling so lonely and miserable again. He was about to look when away when his eyes caught something moving from the corners of his eyes.

Sehun and Soojung were standing there.

It was as if the poster wanted to prepare him, warn him, but no amount of preparation would be enough to deal with this kind of sight. No amount of alarm bells would be able to make him dodge the bullet. He had to take deep breaths and ball his hands into fists, but he stayed. No matter how hard he wanted to run away, he stayed and watched Sehun brush his fingers through Soojung’s hair. He watched how Sehun’s lips curved into a warm smile, and Lu Han knew he had missed that smile so much. He watched how they look together, and something told Lu Han that this was it. He watched how Soojung laughed at something Sehun said, and Lu Han just knew that this was it.

This was really it.

-

His luggage remained untouched while his gaze was glued to the front door. He did not know what to expect. He was starting to wonder whether this was a good decision. Was he sure he thought this through enough? Was he really going to risk this again? He had not thought too much about it, being certain that he could deal with this. Yet, as the reality really sank that he was going to share an apartment with someone else, he was beginning to get cold feet. Maybe it would be better not to do this.

Maybe he was not ready yet.

However, before he could even contemplate about turning around and walking away, the door opened and he met eyes with the person he was supposed to live with from today onwards. His gaze met soft, welcoming eyes, soft facial features, and endearing dimples. He met eyes with the personification of softness, peacefulness and tranquillity. The sight made him feel nervous and comforted at the same time.

“Hello! Are you Lu Han?” The stranger asked with sincere curiosity, eyes blinking as he awaited a response from Lu Han.

Lu Han held onto the handle of his luggage tightly at the question. It took him a moment to respond, and he was certain the other was starting to think that he was weird, but he could not help it. Lu Han wanted to say so many things, felt so many emotions rushing through his veins at the same time, but he did not know how to put it into words. He did not know what to say to this stranger.

Instead, he laughed awkwardly and said, “Y-Yes.”

He was awkward and nervous and scared, and he blamed himself for it, but the stranger did not seem to mind any of that. The person standing in front of him simply wore a smile so innocent that Lu Han felt mesmerized, as if Lu Han’s arrival was something to look forward to. As if Lu Han’s presence was something to be excited about.

“I’m so glad to meet you! My name is Yixing and I look forward to living with you,” Yixing boldly grabbed Lu Han’s hand, shaking it excitedly, “please look after me.”

“I... I’m your new housemate, Oh Sehun. Please, take care of me.”

Lu Han had to snap his eyes shut in order to chase the memory away.

“Goodbye Lu Han.”

Lu Han opened his eyes and looked right into a pool of innocence and purity.

“Nice to meet you too.”

-

Zhang Yixing was a bad housemate, a horrible housemate actually. He made a mess whenever he was cooking and left his stuff scattered all over the place. He was bold and bright and spent most of his time in the living room, dragging Lu Han into watching a marathon of Chinese movies with him. He also smiled a lot, Lu Han believed, because the corners of his lips were always curved upwards and his dimples always so visible. It seemed as though Yixing only knew how to feel and express happiness, because Lu Han never saw any other emotion coming from the other.  

Lu Han had an awful lot of interaction with his housemate, and these interactions had any kinds of topics. Some topics interested Lu Han, while other topics made him uncomfortable. He was not sure if he liked Yixing or not as a housemate, because Yixing was just so different and he did not know if he appreciated that. It was really only after this one happening that Lu Han really started to reach an answer to the question whether he liked Yixing or not.  

It had been a rainy day, a rough day in which he was reminded of Sehun. Yixing had been going on and on about how it was his day off and he wanted pancakes for breakfast. Forty minutes later, the kitchen seemed as though it had been put on fire. The smell of burnt pancakes had alarmed Lu Han immediately, before he saw flashes of memories he thought he had forgotten. The sight of black cooking utensils and pancake mix dripping off the counter caused a lump to grow in his throat.

“Happy birthday, Lu Han!”

Before Yixing could say anything, Lu Han had already let out a harsh cry, a heartbreaking sound that came from the bottom of his heart. It hurt so much to feel this overwhelming feeling of longing, of missing. He thought he could cope with it by now, but he was so wrong. The sight made him want to cry endlessly, breaking all the locks he had so carefully put on each of his doors. The sight made him crave for something he could never hold anymore, and that suffocated him.

“Lu Han, are you alright?!” Yixing said in shock as he quickly ran to Lu Han, “Is it because I burned the pancakes?! I’m sorry, okay?!”

Lu Han let Yixing touch his face, wipe away his tears. Lu Han soaked in the sight of a concerned Yixing, and he almost wanted to let out a chuckle at the sight of a frowning Yixing. If he was not hurting so much, he would have laughed at the sight. He did not know it was possible for Yixing to look troubled. He did not know it was possible for Yixing to lose his calm, and somehow, it was funny. Somehow, it comforted him.

Somehow, it made him crave that unreachable thing less.

“I promise I’ll clean the kitchen properly okay?!” Yixing continued in a uncertain voice, “Or if you want to, I won’t cook again! I didn’t know my bad cooking would make you feel this troubled, I’m sorry!”

It’s not you, Yixing, it’s really not you, Lu Han wanted to say, but Yixing stole his turn once again.

“Don’t cry alright, it ruins your pretty face!” Yixing said before embracing the other and burying Lu Han’s face in his shirt.

Lu Han took in Yixing’s scent and decided that he liked it.

He really liked it.

-

The second time Lu Han found himself surprised by Yixing, was when he was watching a particular movie with Yixing. It was a movie he had once watched with Sehun, and he remembered how he had hold hands with Sehun and kissed the taller one on the lips. He remembered it all too well, and it made him feel sad and lonely again. He tried really hard to calm himself down, telling himself that he was not going to let the past get the better of him. He was not going to let himself crash again because of his love for Sehun.

He wanted to cry so badly but Yixing was sitting just next to him and he did not want to scare the other again. He did not want another breakdown in front of Yixing, especially since it took hours the other time to convince Yixing that he was really alright. However, it was getting harder to keep it all in as seconds passed by. He bit harshly on his lower lip as he could feel the tears pricking his eyes, forcing himself to watch the television screen and swallow the pain.

He managed to sit still for two minutes. However, before he could stand up and excuse himself to the washroom, something was thrown over his head.

“You... You seem like you’re cold,” Yixing said gently, but Lu Han could detect the concern in his voice, “You should wear my hoodie.”

Lu Han felt his heart swell at the feeling of the hoodie covering his sight. He did not waste any time putting the sweatshirt on, covering his face as much as possible with the hood. He let the tears flow silently as he watched the television screen, soaking in every single scene of the movie. He let it all out, in silence, while Yixing stayed next to him. Yixing did not say a word, did not start any weird conversations. Yixing did not make any stupid remarks about the movie or the characters. He simply stayed next to Lu Han.

And at the end of the movie, Lu Han felt clean again.

-

“I remind you of someone, don’t I?”

Yixing said in a very serious tone as he sat down opposite of Lu Han, catching Lu Han off guard. Lu Han did not know what to say, did not know if his actions had offended Yixing in any way. It was not his intention to hurt the other. It was never his intention to hurt the other in any way.

“I...” Lu Han started with shock on his face, but the words would not leave his mouth.

How could you ever politely explain that someone reminded you of a person that broke your heart into a million pieces?

Yixing’s gaze softened at this, “I didn’t mean to surprise you. I... I just thought that maybe I hurt you without me knowing it. I wouldn’t... I just wanted to apologize if I did.”

No, no don’t say that, Lu Han screamed in his head, it’s not your fault! Lu Han wanted to explain so badly that it was not Yixing’s fault. It was all because of Lu Han. It was because Lu Han was weak and broken and ruined. It was because Lu Han did not know how to forget and to move on. It was because Lu Han thought too much about the past. It was all because of him, and nobody else.

“I know I tend to speak too much, and I know I can be annoying,” Yixing continued, making Lu Han feel guilty as he watched how the other apologized, “I don’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable. I thought that maybe... Maybe you wouldn’t mind me bothering you so much. I’m sor-”

“Don’t apologize!” Lu Han screamed loudly and hastily, effectively cutting Yixing off, “Please... Don’t apologize.”

“I-” Yixing blinked his eyes in shock, “I’m sor-”

Lu Han quickly covered Yixing’s mouth with his both hands, not wanting to hear another apology coming from Yixing’s mouth. It was unfair. It was unfair that Yixing was apologizing for something that was not his fault. It was completely unfair and Lu Han could not take it anymore. He simply could not. It made his heart bump wildly, his head throbbing painfully.

He could not take any of this any longer.

“I don’t want you to apologize, because you did nothing wrong,” Lu Han watched Yixing’s eyes intently, while Yixing looked at him with wide eyes, “I don’t want you to apologize any more. If anyone should apologize, it’s me. Not you, but me... I... I’m the person who ruins it all... Not you.”

Lu Han watched how his hands trembled as he let the words sink in. He watched how the gentleness washed over Yixing’s eyes. He watched how slender fingers wrapped around his hands, holding onto him softly. He watched how Yixing uncovered his own mouth, showing a sincere smile that Lu Han wanted to touch so badly. Yixing looked at him as if he was worth listening to, and that broke something inside of him.

“You don’t ruin it all, Lu Han,” Yixing said in a calm voice that warmed Lu Han’s heart.

“You don’t know what I did before I met you, Yixing,” Lu Han explained in a pained voice, because he did not want Yixing to get any wrong impressions of him, “You don’t know how I ruined everything, including myself. You don’t know-”

“You didn’t ruin anything, Lu Han.”

Lu Han wanted to prove him wrong. Lu Han did not want Yixing to get any wrong impressions. Lu Han did not want Yixing to think that he was the victim. Lu Han was not the victim. He was the perpetrator. He was the cause. He was the source. He was the person who ruined everything. He was the person who did not know how to love properly. He was the person who hurt the person he loved the most. He-

“You’re not ruined, Lu Han.”

-

It took two more months before Lu Han could be honest with Yixing. It took two whole months of balancing on a thin line, dodging all the harsh blows. Something about Yixing made him want to be honest. Something about Yixing made him want to come clean. Something about Yixing made him feel like it would be alright to talk about it. Something about the way Yixing ate his bowl of noodles with glee, made him want to let it all out.

“I had a boyfriend I love a lot,” Lu Han started tentatively. 

Yixing immediately stopped eating, glancing up with uncertain eyes. For a moment, Lu Han thought it would be better to drop the topic. Yixing would not want to hear about his sad love story. Yixing would not want to know about how he killed and murdered. However, Yixing nodded his head a little, encouraging Lu Han to continue, and from then on there was no stopping it anymore.

“His name is Sehun... He was my housemate. He seems cold and introverted on the outside, but he’s really just like a child on the inside. He... He was...” Lu Han drank in the encouragement swimming in Yixing’s eyes before confessing, “To me, he’s the definition of happiness. He made my world have meaning. I loved him... So much. Maybe too much, because we only hurt each other. We only knew how to break each other in the name of love. I ruined him, myself, and us. We didn’t trust each other anymore, even though that is what love should be about...”

Talking about Sehun was difficult, but the words rolled of his tongue before he could even stop them. It felt liberating to let it all out, and his body could not get enough of the feeling.

“You and Sehun are nothing alike each other. If anything, you’re complete opposites of each other,” Lu Han laughed softly, “At least, that’s what I thought, because sometimes you would do something that he also did, and it would trigger all these memories. It would make me remember how much he means to me. It makes me remember all the time I spent with him. Most importantly,” There was a moment of deafening silence before Lu Han said, “it makes me remember how I let him go, because I wasn’t strong enough.”

There were times when Lu Han would wonder whether things would be different if he had persisted. Sometimes he would wonder how things could have been. Maybe, things could have worked out. Maybe, he simply was not strong enough. Maybe, he should have just believed in Sehun and himself a bit more. Maybe-

“You let him go, because he’s your happiness,” Yixing smiled with appreciation, “and you want him to find his happiness.”

Maybe.

-

“Lu Han!” Yixing yelled the moment he opened the front door, “I bought a new game for the PlayStation! Let’s play it together!”

Lu Han looked up from his laptop, a soft grin gracing his lips, “What did you buy this time?”

Yixing smiled proudly as he waved the game in front of the other, “The newest FIFA game!”

“No way!” Lu Han replied in awe, a wave of excitement washing over him, “It just came out! How were you able to get your hands on it?”

“What Yixing wants,” Yixing said down next to Lu Han, his eyes gleaming with victory while his lips were curved upwards in a smug manner, “Yixing gets.”

“Overly confident fellow,” Lu Han answered with a chuckle before stealing the game from Yixing’s hands, “but let’s play it now. I want to know if it really is worth the wait.”

Lu Han and Yixing spent the whole afternoon and evening playing the game, never considering the fact that the laundry still had to be done and dinner still had to be made. All they could think about was beating each other, winning from each other, and that feeling was refreshing. The living room was filled with cries of victory and screams of frustration. It was refreshing, because the mind was so focused on the characters running on the television screen it had no time to think about anything else. The mind was so occupied with playing the game that it forgot about making sense of life.

With Sehun, Lu Han would always let the other win. He would always let Sehun win because he wanted to see Sehun happy. He wanted to Sehun wear that beautiful smile that would make his heart explode in happiness. With Sehun, Lu Han could put down his own wants and needs. With Sehun, Lu Han would give up everything in order to make the other happy.

With Yixing, Lu Han would always make the other lose. He would always make Yixing lose because he wanted to see Yixing frown in sadness before screaming for another match. He wanted to see Yixing show his honest emotions, because it made his heart swell. With Yixing, Lu Han felt like he could satisfy his wants and needs. With Yixing, there was no need to put himself down in order to make someone else happy.

With Yixing, he felt like happiness could come from inside.  

-

“Yixing, what’s going on?”

Lu Han watched Yixing running around between the living room and his own bedroom, hastily packing his backpack but dropping most of it on the ground. Lu Han’s concern only grew when he saw the pain plastered on the other’s face. Yixing was the kind of person to wear his heart on his sleeve, and that expression definitely meant something was wrong. That expression definitely meant something was terribly wrong.

“I...” Yixing cursed at himself at dropping his phone on the ground, before looking at Lu Han with nervous eyes, “My good friend- He- Jongdae got hit by a car, and they don’t know how he’s doing, but his parents just called me and told me to come as soon as possible, because-” He covered his eyes before screaming in agony, “Oh God!”

Lu Han did not waste any time as he ran towards Yixing, enveloping the other in his embrace. Lu Han did not think or contemplate or wonder. He simply did what he felt like doing. He simply said what he felt like saying. He simply followed whatever his heart wanted him to do.

“It’s going to be alright, Yixing,” Lu Han said in a gentle voice, trembling as he felt the overwhelming emotion Yixing was experiencing, “he’s going to be alright.”

“I- If he,” Yixing held onto Lu Han’s shirt tightly, “I won’t forgive him... I’ll never forgive him...”

Lu Han could feel that Yixing was holding it in. He could feel it in the way Yixing held onto him. He could feel it in the way Yixing’s body shook. He could feel it in the way Yixing’s hands trembled in fear. Yixing was honest and sincere, so it was really easy to read and understand him. Yixing was simple and genuine, and Lu Han could not help but think that Yixing was a wonderful person. He was a really amazing person. He was the kind of person that could save the world.

“Hey,” Lu Han said after a moment, gaze landing on the smart phone Yixing had dropped on the ground, “it’s going to be alright.”

Lu Han felt it. He felt it the moment he saw Yixing break down in his arms. He felt it the moment his hold tightened around Yixing. He felt it the moment he saw Yixing’s earnest expression of his feelings. It was so simple, so painfully simple, and Lu Han did not know why it had taken him so long. He did not understand what it had taken him so long to feel this. What had he missed all this time? What did he not see all this time? What made him close the doors, locking every single piece of himself?

“It’s okay. Everything’s going to be okay.”

-

“You’re going to get my cold.”

Lu Han watched as Yixing sat down on his bed like everything was alright. Lu Han watched Yixing grin as if Lu Han was not sick and he could not get sick too. Lu Han watched Yixing being like a child and he wished he did not enjoy it as much as he did.

“I’m stronger than you are,” Yixing said before lying down next to Lu Han.

Lu Han’s eyes widened in shock at this, his body automatically moving away from Yixing, “You stupid Yixing, go away from me-”

“Yah, don’t talk so much nonsense,” Yixing said with a frown before smiling, “I’m here to keep you company.”

“You’ll get sick if you stay any longer,” Lu Han tried to argue.

“When that time comes, it’ll be your turn to take care of me,” Yixing closed his eyes, a gentle smile lingering on his lips, “Good night.”

“Yixing...” Lu Han sighed as he tried to push Yixing away, but Yixing was being terribly stubborn, “Yixing, come on, you don’t need to do this...”

“I’m tired, let me sleep Lu Han,” Yixing mumbled, hand reaching out to hold onto Lu Han’s, “It’s been a long day.”

“Yah, come on, get out,” Lu Han took a moment to let the sight of Yixing’s peaceful expression sink in, before gaining strength to combat again, “I don’t want you to get sick too. You should get a good rest in your own room.”

“Just... Rely on me, okay?”

Lu Han’s stunned gaze met Yixing’s serious eyes, and he did not know what to say or do. He did not know what to do when Yixing was like this. He did not know how to act when his heart was feeling this much. Yixing was not fair. No, Yixing was terribly unfair. One word and Lu Han would comply. One word and Lu Han would give in.

One word and Lu Han would trust.

“Yixing-ah.”

Yixing’s eyes gleamed expectantly at the fond calling out of his name.

Lu Han smiled softly before his eyes fluttered closed, “Thank you, Yixing-ah.”

Thank you for being there for me.

-

“How late will you get back home tonight?” Lu Han asked as he stood in front of the traffic lights while he held onto the plastic bag excitedly.

“I don’t know,” Yixing said on the other said of the line, “I think it’ll be around seven? Why, you making dinner tonight?”

Lu Han glanced down at the bag, a bright grin unconsciously growing on his lips, “Something like that.”

“Alright, I’ll get back at seven then,” Lu Han heard the other sigh through the phone, “I want to get home and play games with you.”

“I know,” Lu Han thought about the surprise he had for Yixing, and excitement started to boil inside him, “we can play once you’re home.”

He was so busy talking with Yixing that he almost did not see the other. He was so engaged in his conversation with his housemate that he almost did not notice the other. He was so in his own world that he almost did not feel the other’s presence.

However, the moment their eyes locked, he knew. He knew exactly who this person was. There was no way he could ever not recognize this person. Even if he were blind, he would be able to see this person with his heart. Even if he were deaf, he would be able to hear this person with his mind. Even if he could not touch, he would be able to feel this person with his soul.

The male with the black woollen black coat and the grey scarf looked at him with the same surprise, the same shock, and it was as if Lu Han could see his own reflection in the other’s eyes. It was as if he was looking at a mirror.

The present he bought for Yixing dropped mercilessly on the ground as he took in the sight of Sehun.

-

Sehun looked so handsome, Lu Han could not quite believe he was the same Sehun that used to annoy him on Sunday mornings and burned pancakes in their once shared kitchen. Sehun’s expensive appearance screamed success, and Lu Han did not want to wonder about the cost of his shining watch. He did not want to know exactly how far apart they were from each other. He did not want to realize just how different he had become from the Sehun who bought Tirol chocolates for him and begged him to stay.

“It’s been a long time,” Sehun was the first to break the silence, a wary smile on his lips.

Lu Han nodded his head tentatively, “Indeed, but it seems you’ve been doing well.”

Something Lu Han could not quite understand flashed through Sehun’s eyes, making his heart skip a beat, “I’m not quite sure about that.”

“But you look like you’re exactly where you want to be,” Lu Han said, not being able to understand why Sehun seemed unsatisfied with the way his life was, “everything about you screams you’ve made it far enough to be able to brag about it.”

Sehun chuckled at this, fingers playing around with his horribly expensive looking watch, “It does seem so, doesn’t it?”

Lu Han took in the sight of Sehun sitting opposite of him, still not quite believing that this was really happening, before saying, “What’s wrong?”

Sehun’s eyes blinked in surprise at this, and Lu Han almost thought he got it wrong, but a moment later Sehun grinned sadly, “You’ve changed.”

“Changed?” Lu Han could not understand what Sehun meant with this, “What do you mean? I... I’m still the same person.”

However, the taller male shook his head at this, “No, you’re not. You... You’ve changed.”

Lu Han wondered if he had changed. He still liked the same brand of noodles he liked years ago. He still loved the same kind of music as he did back then. He still enjoyed wearing the same style of clothes as when he knew Sehun. As far as Lu Han knew, he was still the same. Time had stopped ticking the moment he ran away from Sehun. He was still the same as the Lu Han that ran away from Sehun. Sehun still had an impact on him, just like then. Nothing-

“Back then, you would never talk about the things that were wrong. You avoided those topics,” Sehun looked Lu Han straight in the eyes, scaring Lu Han with the intensity of his gaze, “Back then, you buried everything that was wrong.”

“Do you love me?”

“You can leave now.”

He thought about Yixing. He thought about the way his housemate laughed when he was happy and cried when he was sad. He thought about the way Yixing would say whatever was on his mind, living an earnest and simple life. He thought about everything Yixing taught him. He thought about how he came to the realization that, all this time, he was a master of avoidance. Lu Han thought about how he never wanted to confront conflicts, because he did not know how to deal with them properly. He did not know how to feel properly. He did not know how to express himself properly.

Yixing taught him how to live properly.  

As his hand unconsciously reached out to the plastic bag that was lying on the chair next to him, he understood the gravity of the change. He understood the severity of his transformation. He understood that he must have changed drastically in order to sit in front of Sehun, the happiness of his life. He understood that he must have become a different person in order to look Sehun in the eyes and not break down. He did not even realize until now that, had nothing changed, he would have never been able to sit down in front of Sehun.

“Are... Are you happy, Sehun?”

Something snapped inside of Lu Han the moment those words escaped his mouth. Something broke the moment he asked Sehun the one question he never dared to think about. Something got undone the moment he let it go. Something broke free the moment he let go of everything that had him tightened.

Sehun was silent for a long moment before he smiled, “I suppose you could say I am. Maybe I do am successful enough now to brag about it. Also, my wife, Soojung, is pregnant with our first child. We’re looking forward to an addition to the family.”

“Congratulations,” Lu Han said softly.

“But I still think of you, you know,” Sehun chuckled awkwardly at the confession, “I still wonder about how you’re doing from time to time. I wonder if you’re doing well. I wonder if you’re eating properly and taking good care of yourself. Sometimes Soojung will do something clumsy, and I’ll remember how you once did the exact same thing. I’ll be caught off guard for the moment and reminisce about the past. I know... I know you told me to never think about you anymore, but I can’t help it. I’ll always wonder about you.”

Lu Han let the words reach him. Lu Han let the words reach the inner parts of him. He wanted to say so many things to Sehun. Sehun, the person who taught him what love was. Sehun, the person who showed him what life had to offer. Sehun, the person he loved so much that he became scared of himself. Sehun, the person he loved so much that he could ruin himself. Sehun... Sehun...

“I still love you,” Sehun said, and it felt as though a wrecking ball and hit Lu Han right on the head.

“It’s... It’s the same for me,” The edge of his voice was raw, but Lu Han spoke the harsh words regardless.

“Then tell me,” Sehun said with a sudden force that seemed to come out of nowhere, “do you still love me?”

There was no reason to waver. There was no reason to hesitate. Lu Han could be honest now. Lu Han could say whatever was on his mind now. There was no need to hide anymore.

“I still love you, Sehun-ah,” Lu Han’s eyes started to get watery, “I’ll always love you, Sehun-ah.”

Always.

-

Lu Han unlocked the front door with a heavy heart, counting to three before walking into the apartment. It was past ten already, and he did not know what Yixing would think about his lateness. The notifications of multiple missed phone calls made his heart ache. The thought of worrying Yixing made him feel so guilty he wanted to hide in a hole.  

“Lu Han!” Yixing yelled as he walked out of his bedroom, eyes glowing with relief as he ran towards the other, “Oh God I’m so happy to see you! I... I thought something had happened!”

“I’m sor-” Lu Han started, but he got his breath knocked out the moment Yixing threw himself on the older male.

“I’m so happy to know that you’re alright...” Yixing let out a deep breath, burying his face in the other’s jacket, “I’m so glad...”

Lu Han felt something swell inside him as he hugged the other back, “I’m sorry for worrying you, Yixing-ah.”

He looked around the apartment, taking in the sight of everything he had built with the other. He took in the sight of the shared living room, filled with things that screamed his and Yixing’s name. He took in the sight of the sunbeams dancing on the couch he and Yixing spent most of their days off. He took in the sight of the mess of papers plastered on the refrigerator door.

And then he closed his eyes. He thought back about his time with Sehun. He thought back about the time he spent with Sehun. He thought back about magnets on the refrigerator, the smell of instant noodles, and the taste of chocolate. He thought back about the kisses on the couch and the sweet nothings in bed. He let the memories wash over him, overwhelming him.

“Thank you, Sehun-ah,” Lu Han spoke, letting himself drown in Sehun’s beautiful eyes.

He let the past overflow him.

“I’m really happy to have met you,” Lu Han continued.

He let the past flash in front of his eyes.

“Thank you for being my happiness.”

And he opened his eyes again.

“Yixing-ah,” Lu Han started softly, the scent of Yixing’s shampoo soothing his mind, “Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for accepting me, for believing in me. Thank you for never letting me go, even when I wanted to let myself go. You know what kind of past I’m carrying, but you don’t judge me. And I want to thank you for that. I want to thank you for teaching me how to be honest with myself. I...”

Lu Han moved his body away from Yixing, letting seconds pass as he looked Yixing in the eyes. He could see the uncertainty in the other’s eyes. He could see that Yixing was wondering what Lu Han wanted to say and do. He could see the fear and the concern and Lu Han wanted to kiss those thoughts away... He wanted to kiss away those uncertainties...

Which was exactly what he did.

He put his lips on Yixing’s with the kind of gentleness that made his heart explode. He kissed Yixing like he was something so fragile. He kissed Yixing like he was something he should treasure for the rest of his life. And he knew that he might never be able to forget Sehun, but that did not matter anymore. Yixing taught him that it did not matter, because it was not about forgetting. It was about letting go.

“Lu Han...” Sehun started, a desperate frown growing on his face.

“Sehun-ah,” Lu Han said while shaking his head, “I’ll always love you. Just like you, I’ll always wonder about how you’re doing. I’ll always wonder if you’re living a happy life. I... I realize I’ve been selfish for asking you to not waver, not wonder and not think. I’m... I’m sorry, Sehun-ah, I really am. I understand now. Because of someone,” Lu Han opened the plastic bag, revealing the newest video game that Yixing had been so excited about, and smiled warmly, “I understand now that I want you to be happy. I want me to be happy. I want us to be happy again.”

Yixing taught him that sometimes he has to let go of certain things in order to be happy again.

“I love you.”