Lee Chaerin's POV 

We’ve known each other since we were trainees. I couldnt really recall how we got so close but i remember you were always there for me everytime i was having my breakdown. You couldnt even go anywhere without having me by your side. Merely, we’re always together. We grow up together, we both shared our ideals, we both opened our minds to the world around us. We were the best of friends, like we celebrate christmas together with our families and it came to the point that our families always asked us if we have a plan of being together in a romantic way, they said it was only the missing part of our best of friends relationship. Even our friends was teasing us! “Bestfriends? Ugh. Stop being so numb the two of you! Cant you see? You are going to be in a relationship in the end anyways.”   All through the years, they were like that but we didnt really mind them because we were too busy minding our own business. But we knew that we often talked about our affiliation... Oppa, i remember you told me that you’ve never been inlove and you have never experienced those love stories in the movies wherein you would kill a person just for your one love, and i was like “Really jingyo? Those stories in the movies are not true, i think you dont over react when you’re inlove.”

I was wrong though.

I fell inlove with you. I really really really do. You were my first love. I dont know how and when did it happen. All i know is I need you in my life and i cant live without you. Ofcourse, you ddnt know all of this. I was so scared to confess and too frightened to loose you.

Then one day.. you became different. It all started when It was christmas day, I was sick and alone in my apartment. I couldnt go home to my family because i cant move and my body was so numb. I cant get my phone, i cant contact anyone. I couldnt do anything. I was shocked when i saw you on the door step, but i felt relieve  but i thought you went home to your family because it was a special day. However, you took care of me the whole day.. You were so patient.. you even hugged me everytime i cry because of my aching stomach. You even sang for me and you said it was your own composition.  I would never forget the song you sang for me, i think the title is ‘butterfly’. Right?

You even showed me that night how much I was so important and because of that, I fell inlove with you even more.. that’s why I was so pleased when you asked me on a date after christmas break. I dont know if iI would jump or scream because of happiness... I ddnt expect that you love me too.  I thought it was the start of a beautiful relationship.

And for the most part, it was. We were awesome together, dare I say perfect? No one can replace the sensation of my happiness when you debut with your group. Then, fast forward to 2 years later. With the help of your friends.. you proposed to me in the front of our entertainment when you first met me when we were trainees.  I was the happiest woman in the world when I said yes. I really thought.. ‘This is it..’.

We agreed together with our families that we will get married next year. I never felt any stress on arranging for our wedding. I was enjoying it. Nonetheless, two weeks before the wedding.. my stress came. You kneeled infront of me begging me to forgive you because you cant continue this wedding anymore. You said you were pressured by your family and friends to pursue a relationship with me. “I-i thought i love you because ive never been i-inlove.”  Your words hit me like a boomerang but you fell inlove with one of your co-model. Maybe you love her the way i love you.

It ing hurts so much but then I tried to show you that it was okay. That i was fine with it.. that i can accept this fact that you only look at me as your best friend.. that you only settle for second best since you already saw your best, the love of your life, and you were ready to move on.

I forgave you because i love you, although our friendship sank. Notwithstanding, I once thought “Just in two ing weeks we will going to be married.. but why do you have to let me..go? “. Nevertheless, it was better to let me go rather than be married to me, confused.

After that.. because of humilation and pain. I ran away to the States with my family to talk about my US debut that I was merely planning and never spoke to you again. I spent a few years there and tried to rebuild my life who was once destroyed by my earnest love. On my second year in US, I got sick. I was diagnosed with stage 2A bone cancer, it’s on my family’s genes but still, it was surprising. I still have hope for the treatment, so i fought my sickness. Radiation. Chemo. I tried it all. For awhile, i was in remission. I thought it was it.. I though it was my chance to be happy.

But.. I was wrong again. My cancer was back, and that time it was getting severe. It still has treatments but only to span my life.  And the only thing I have to do.. is to pray and wait on the desire day. At first, I could not accept it, I couldnt believe that all my rigorous and difficulties on fighting this sickness was vanished in just one snap. Eventually, I accepted it. It hurts. It was difficult. But what can i do? It’s my fate.

I went back to Korea and visited YG, since I missed all the crews out there. I asked if you were there and your manager told me that you have a schedule to catch up, so.. i’m quite relieve. And an hour passed,  when I was about to leave.. I accidentally bumped into you. Well, my hair grew so it’s not really obvious that I was still carrying cancer that time. I smiled, and asked if you have time for coffee. At first, it was awkward because what do you have to say to the girl you left in the matrimony. But eventually, our conversation turnt up good, well.. it’s been 4 years since you left though. So..move on. We need to catch up on the last 4 years we’re not together. Oh, and you’re the Great G-dragon everyone was talking about. Wow,you  became really famous. And oh.. you’re married to her. Kiko Mizuhara. You guys are almost one year together... it looks like she’s really your true love.

I felt pain inside my chest. Why ddnt you choose me? We’ve been through alot together. Your family and friends.. they were rooting me for you. I was the one who confronted you in every problem you had. Why it was not me? Why did you fall on that person who just passed by. So I asked you if you really loved me.. You said. “I-I dont know, chae. I love you because you’re my friend.” I closed my eyes when I heard that but you still continued. “It’s hard to give my feelings some meaning because it’s too complicated.” I closed my eyes again as I felt a pang in my insides. “But I ing got hurt when you left without telling me.”  Your eyes were pleading that time it made my body & heart so weak to the point I ddnt know I was crying my eyes out as I said these words “Then what do you want? I’ll still act as your bestfriend even though I felt I was used?” I cried because I realized after all these years, I still love you so much.  Knowing that I only love one person makes me think I’m going to die with it, and it’s you Kwon Jiyong.

You gave me your number and we parted ways that day with heavy feelings. 2015, I decided to go back to States. I texted you and even told you I was going back. I ddnt even know why did I inform you. You ddnt even reply.

2 months after I got back to States, I received an email from you. I dont even know where did you get my email address. You asked me where do I live. At first, I was hesitating to answer but in the end I still gave you my address.

When you arrived, you were carrying a suitcase. I was shocked and scared at the same time and I asked an obvious question "what is the meaning of this?" and you said you left your wife. At least, that’s how I understand. You told me you fought and you want to find yourself here, you even told her to give you a few months to think. Ofcourse, she ddnt agree. That’s why you left suddenly. You escaped.

I told you that you were crazy. I even beg you to go back in Korea. I kneeled down and cried telling you that I dont want to destroy your family but you said you’ll never leave me again, that you have to apologize on the things that you’ve done to me.

I’ve let you live in my apartment for the meantime. I’m just a person, too. I’m weak, too. And I love you so much to the point I couldnt resist you. I ddnt tell you I was sick because I know you’ll be worried and you’ll be back to your wife. If you would know that I was sick, you will never leave even though you wanted to because you will feel guilty.. I know you, Ji.

For awhile, we played house. I did my best to hide my condition to you. At times, It was hard because I was getting weak day by day. There were days when I can barely get out of bed. It’s too painful. But you stayed with me. Took care of me. On the days when It was too painful to handle, you always hugged me and sang butterfly, just like the old days.

During that time, you told me you were wrong. That you love me just like you love your wife. I was happy to know that, but I know we’re still sharing in your heart. For a moment, I ddnt care. I’ll take what I can get.

I thought before, I was the person who would never be a mistress to a guy with a wife. I thought my conscience would eat me but I think the koreanovelas were true. If you love a person, you’ll do everything, even though there’s another person who is hurting just to make him yours.

I was very selfish that time. I was going to die anyway so why not make the most of it? I just want to experience hapiness on my limited days even though it was just a shared happiness from your wife, I hope she nought me. I hope fate would let me experience happiness before I die.

Then, the time that I was so scared about..has come. When you stepped here in the US, you never answered your emails, calls, messages on the people you know in Korea. But then you began communicating with your wife again. I had no idea what the nature of your conversation was. I just know that, this is the time. The time you’ll leave. The time you’ll leave me.

So I was faced with a dilemma whether to tell you that I was sick.. will you stay? You probably would. I dont want my sickness to become a reason for making you stay with me. I couldnt lose you again. Call this a blackmail or a wrong doing. I dont care at all.

But on the day I was supposed to tell you that I have cancer, you were ahead of me and told me that your wife gave a birth.. and It was a baby boy. You ddnt know she was pregnant on the day you left her. She ddnt told you because of the anger that was overflowing inside but eventually she came to a thought that she should tell you since you have the right to know.

I feel like I was crashed by heaven and earth. So.. I dont have a chance to experience happiness at all. I wouldnt withheld an innocent child on his father just because of my momentous feelings. My love for you was very destructive. But I wont destroy your child’s life.

New year 2014. I left you. You were sleeping peacefully. I put your passport and a ticket for your return in Korea on the table with my letter that begs you to let me go and go back to your family. I never told you about my condition. I think it’s better if you think that I left you because I dont have any feelings left for you anymore rather than you would know the truth.  I would accept it if you’re going to be mad instead of the sympathy you’ll feel for me.

So.. I hide. My family and our friends hid me.

Recently, the doctor said my time was limited already. Six months or less. It wasnt as scary as I thought it would be. Since I was given a chance to be with you again even though it was a matter of time, I’m more prepared to face what’s going to happen to me. I guess not all people is given a chance to experience happy endings. I was bitter before about that, but I guess I was fine with it now. I guess it’s true that the prospect of death changes your view of certain things. If yesterday I was angry because in any circumstances we’re not meant to be.. Today, I’m thankful because I was with you in a mere time. Even though it was fast, I was given a chance to experience love.

Last I heard, you’re back with your family. That’s good. I love you so much, Jiyong. I never stopped. You were my first love and you will be my last. I had so many good memories with you. My trainee life was the happiest time of my life because of you. I hope you live a good life and be happy for the rest of your days.

If we werent meant to be together in this life, then I hope we can be together in the next life. Goodbye.

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