cake batter and icing

(don't ask questions my loves. just go with the flow)

Minseok wakes up to Zitao jumping on his legs and Zitao is a jumbling mass of long limbs that weigh more than everyone thinks at first glance. He’s sure his legs are broken when the teen hops off of him and his bed. He can’t even find the energy to glare at the panda looking boy, half of his brain still asleep and the other half too preoccupied with the pain attacking his shins. Zitao is all smiles this morning, something that normally would be great since they’re always so dead looking, but Minseok wants nothing more than to reach out and sock him in the nose one good time. Maybe he’ll do it twice (because when Minseok finds his phone beneath his pillow and looks at the time he sees it’s six o’clock in the morning and they don’t have practice until ing noon).

He stares the kid down. He tries to ask what Zitao is doing awake so early and why he found it necessary to wake Minseok up as well but the young Chinese man beats him to it, spouting off nonsense about how it’s Minseok’s birthday and how he should be awake and celebrating and taking cheesy birthday pictures to share with fans. To be honest, Minseok is about five seconds away from shoving his birthday so far up Tao’s , Tao gives birth himself. (It’s not possible, but Minseok will surely find a way). When the nineteen year old finally stops talking, Minseok stares at him. He stares at him until the cheery, sunshine bright smile drops off of his face and a frown replaces it instead.

“Why do you look so upset, ge?” Zitao pouts, pretending to look innocent.

Too bad Minseok does that himself and therefore isn’t affected by its cuteness. “Either go back to sleep or get out. I will kill you if you do anything that isn’t either of those two options,” Minseok deadpans.

“But I —”

“Your severed head will look so good on my mantle, Zitao, I swear to Buddha,” Minseok stops to take a breath, feeling his anger swelling inside his body.

He doesn’t even feel bad when the youngest boy climbs back into bed and pulls his blankets over his head. Minseok narrows his eyes at the kid and when he’s certain there will be no more of Zitao’s antics for at least another four hours, Minseok turns over and goes back to sleep himself.

;~;~;~;~;~;~;~;

“Minseok hyung, wake up. We have to get ready for practice.”

Groaning, the birthday boy rolls over onto his back and slowly sits up. He slowly cracks his eyes open, allowing his eyes to readjust until he can recognize the figure leaning over him as Jongdae. He opens his mouth to tell Jongdae to 1) back the hell up and 2) he’s up and will be ready in a couple of minutes. Neither of those things happens. Instead, something moist and sticky smothers itself over the lower half of his face. He tries not to explode into a million pieces (because that would and someone would have to scrub his insides off the walls and Minseok doesn’t wish such a task on anyone). Peeling his eyes open again, he swipes a finger through the substance on his face. Icing. He glares at the ruined chocolate batter and vanilla icing cake in Jongdae’s hands and then at Jongdae’s stupid amused face.

“You’re so lucky I haven’t showered yet, Kim Jongdae,” he grits out. Noticing that Jongdae is already ready for rehearsal, Minseok shoots his arm out and sends the rest of the cake smashing against the front of Jongdae’s very nice, very clean t-shirt. It’s what he gets.

“Hey, Jongdae, what’s taking so long? Did you wake up the baozi bun?” Luhan pokes his head into the room.

And then all hell breaks loose.

Jongdae hugs the still sitting Minseok, shoving the bun’s face into the cake at the bottom of his shirt. This, of course, looks like something completely different to Luhan who covers his eyes and screams at the two of them for engaging in naughty things (which doesn’t even make sense but this is Luhan we’re talking about). And then Luhan, in order to ‘protect his innocence’, barrels into the two Koreans, sending Jongdae to the floor. The Chinese singer then hugs Minseok himself, petting the annoyed steamed bun’s hair and saying things about how Jongdae is diseased and Chinese meat is so much better than Korean meat and more bull that makes no sense (but, again, this is Luhan we’re talking about).

Minseok sits there, face still covered in icing and pressed against Luhan’s shirt, listening to the Chinese man ramble until Luhan starts telling Minseok to meet him in the janitor’s closet during dance practice. Managing to bite Luhan in the stomach, Minseok pushes the other away and jumps out of bed. He shoves both pests out of his room. Once they’re both out, he grabs a pair of clothes and his towel and heads to the (thankfully) empty bathroom. Starting the shower, he quickly strips out of his clothes and steps beneath the water. The scorching heat of the water running over his tired body relaxes him. He wishes he could stay here forever. (Because there are idiots outside, swarming the entire dorm, and he seriously thinks his life is in danger).

;~;~;~;~;~;~;~;

He flinches, dropping his shampoo when the door slams open. Deciding not to question it, he just bends over to pick up the bottle. He’s not surprised when the shower curtain is ripped back.

“Oh! Nice buns, Xiumin ge. Really firm looking. Have you been doing squats?”

He didn’t mind at first, but now Minseok really wishes Yifan was here to bring order to these imbeciles. No one ever thinks of Minseok as a voice of reason except when it’s convenient for them. This is not one of those times, apparently.

“Yixing…” Minseok sighs when he straightens up.

“Yeah?”

“What do you want?”

Yixing claps his hands. “That’s right! I wanted to tell you Jongdae and Luhan are having a death match in the living room. And since Yifan isn’t here, you have to keep them from killing each other.”

Flipping open the cap to his shampoo, Minseok squirts out an ample amount onto his palm. “And why can’t you stop them since I’m currently preoccupied?”

“Because I want to get it on camera.”

“Yixing…”

“Yeah?”

“Get out.”

“Okay.”

When the door closes behind the unicorn, Minseok looks at the shampoo seeping through his fingers. He wonders if he’ll die if he eats it. Or at least be rendered unconscious, somehow. Anything so he can skip the rest of today because apparently the world hates him and refuses to let him have an easy birthday.

Minseok hates his life.

Massaging the shampoo into his hair, Minseok thinks he can finish off his shower in peace. He’s wrong. (He’s always wrong).

“You’re stepping on my foot, you giant baby.” He hears Yixing trying to whisper and failing.

“Your head is too big, Xingxing.”

“YOU’RE A DIRTY CHEATER, JONGDAE. FIGHT ME LIKE A MAN,” Luhan yells so loudly Minseok thinks the Chinese deer has a megaphone.

“YOU AIN’T GOT NOTHING ON ME LU HAN. COME AT ME, BRO.” Of course Jongdae is equally as loud.

“Yixing ge, go stop them before they break something. Manager ge, is still angry from that time we threw his laptop into the kitchen sink.”

“Hush, Tao. I’m trying to peep on Xiumin. He’s been working out his . I think he’s been doing squats.”

“I wanna see too~ He even left the shower curtain open but I can’t see anything because your humongous noggin is in the way.”

Minseok considers banging his head against the wall until he passes out. Sounds like too much work though.

“FOULLLL. I CALL A TECHNICAL FOUL!”

“FOUL, MY . THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS A FOUL IN A CAGE MATCH.”

“SINCE WHEN WAS THIS A CAGE MATCH? SHOW ME THE CAGE, JONGDAE. SHOW. ME. THE. CAGE.”

“YOU’RE JUST MAD YOU’RE WEAK.”

“I give up,” Minseok mumbles to himself. Shutting off the water, he steps out of the shower. Shaking his hair of the excess water (something he does only because he can clearly see Yixing and Tao looking through the (wide) crack in the door), he grabs for his towel and wraps it around his waist. Stomping out of the bathroom, he steps around Tao and Yixing (the latter blessed with a potentially life-threatening nosebleed) and into the living room. He doesn’t care if he’s dripping water all over the place.

He walks into the living to see Luhan with Jongdae in a choke hold. The wrestling men look up at him when he clears his throat.

“Oh, Minseok baby!” Luhan chirps. “Did you come to watch the show? Look, I’m winning. I told you Chinese meat was better.”

Exhaling, Minseok his hip. “Luhannie…”

“Yes, my love?”

“If you don’t let Jongdae go, I’ll stop doing fanservice with you and let you suffer as I cling to Yixing like a leech.”

“I am very okay with that plan!” yells Yixing from down the hall, probably still dying of blood loss in front of the bathroom.

And then Luhan, gasping in horror, moves his arm and Jongdae falls face-first into the beautiful linoleum floor. Minseok ignores all of Jongdae’s complaints and insults, going back to the bathroom to finish drying off and change his clothes. He pays no attention to the unconscious Yixing or the panicking Zitao. He doesn’t have the patience for this . It’s his birthday.

;~;~;~;~;~;~;~;

Yixing doesn’t wake up in time for them to go to practice so they throw his limp body into the backseat of their van. Hopefully he’s not dying. Luhan and Jongdae flail their arms at each other, fighting for the passenger seat. Minseok rolls his eyes. Idiots, all of them. He wishes he was in K. At least then he’d be with Joonmyun and Kyungsoo. They’re sane – saner than the rest of the group, at least. Climbing into the back of the van, his right foot still touching the sidewalk, another whole cake is thrown into his face. A beautiful stream of curses lingers on the tip of his tongue but he keeps his mouth shut. Wiping the dessert out of his vision, he glares at the first face he sees; it just so happens to be their manager. Their grinning manager. Their grinning, laughing manager who is also holding the cheap plastic plate the remainder of the cake not on his face is sitting on. Minseok thinks he just might burn down the SM building. He could roast marshmallows in the raging flames as everyone burns to death. Happy ing birthday to him.

“Will you stop being a grump already, hyung? We have a surprise for you when we get to rehearsal.” Jongdae, who successfully won the prize of riding shotgun after pulling a large chunk of Luhan’s hair out, swats at the fuming Minseok. Minseok restrains himself from breaking the singer’s hand.

“Yeah, ge. Turn that frown upside down~” Tao sings from beside Minseok, attaching himself onto the older man’s arm and pulling him into the van so they can get going.

“I will feed your future children to a pack of starving wolves if you don’t release me.”

“Why so serious, Minseokkie?” Lu Han pipes up from the backseat, leaning over the headrest of the little bun’s middle row seat and a long stripe across Minseok’s cheek. Strangling him would feel so good.

“And I’ll cut off your and toss it into the ocean if you do that again.”

“You know that’s how Aphrodite was created,” Encyclopedia Jongdae shares his infinite wisdom.

Minseok isn’t having any of that either. He turns his attention to the prankster singer. “Jongdae, I’d advise you to sleep with both of your eyes open if you know what’s best for you.”

“But then wouldn’t he be awake?” Yixing asks as he comes to, holding a hand to his head.

“Shut up. You’re the only one I like right now. Don’t ruin it for yourself.”

There is quiet for a few seconds until Minseok hears Luhan whisper to Yixing a jealous, “Why does he only like you? I’m superior to you in every way possible.”

;~;~;~;~;~;~;~;

The other four members make a big fuss over dance practice, going on and on about how they have a big surprise for Minseok when he gets there and it’s not a cake to the face. Minseok doesn’t believe them. He’s really just waiting for Yixing to stop pinching his so he can throw himself out of the nearest window. First, he was woken up at six by Tao, then Jongdae caked him, then Luhan decided to be Luhan, and then Yixing’s inner creeper was unlocked. The only thing that can make this worse is if his birthday party later lasts for less than half an hour.

Music booms through the hallway (because the soundproof practice rooms really aren’t soundproof). K must be in the middle of rehearsal now. Minseok exhales, thankful. No matter what anyone thinks, all of the crazy bastards were put in M. Looking over his shoulder at his four bandmates, he takes in all of their excited faces. He shakes his head and nudges open the door to the practice room, barely suppressing a terrified scream when a giant appears in front of him. Tilting his head all the way back to look at the face of this giant, his eyes widen at the sight of horribly plucked eyebrows and another bad haircut.

Yifan grins down at him. Minseok smiles (but he’s still pissed off) back. He’s just happy someone is here to restore order to the chaos.

When cake – yum, buttercream – comes in contact with his face for the third time in less than two hours, he stands there. He doesn’t register how K are in the background in fits of laughter, how Luhan is trying to clean the cake off with his tongue, how Yixing is still pinching his , or how Yifan is smirking. He only knows that there are two things he needs to do.

Lifting his arm, he punches Yifan in the crotch. He blinks, deadpan, as Yifan collapses to the floor, cupping his precious manly area.

“Welcome back, .” Minseok smiles genuinely for the first time today. One thing off his list.

Yifan gurgles something unintelligible. Zitao immediately rushes over to their pained leader.

Minseok looks up at the rest of them. “Now, I’m going to need you guys to stay in this room for a little bit while I…use the bathroom. Don’t worry if suddenly it starts to feel a little hot in here and you can’t open the door. It’s not like I’m going to set the building on fire in a mass homicide attempt or anything like that.”

They’re all too worried about the recently returned Kris and his broken and Minseok slips back out of the practice room with ease. Or so he thinks until he feels something on his backside. Pausing, he glares at a doe-eyed Yixing.

“I’m sorry. Your is firm; I can’t resist.”                         

dear reader peoples,

don't ask what this is because i don't know. like i said, i couldn't resist writing something embarrassing. just like yixing couldn't resist xiumin's firm buns

i am also very upset at exo apparently changing their dorm arrangements because i spent 5 whole minutes wondering if i should add in exo k.

(and this was originally supposed to have more kris but then i was like 'meh, the hasn't been around for 394839847 months so he gets a little tiny part')

-love, me