Monday; 1 April 2013; 2.00 am

I just woke up from the longest nap I have ever taken in my entire 27 years of living. I am so tired of crying I don't think I am even thinking straight, but this is too painful to keep to myself. I wanted to call either Minho Oppa or Kibum Oppa so badly but I can't. It feels so pathetic to think that I can only confide in a piece of paper instead of an actual human being, but I really can't tell this to a single soul. I received a phone call from an unknown number some time during lunch. It was a call I wish I didn't pick up. Was I a horrible person in my past life? Did I do anything bad to deserve this? Was I a terrible friend to her? Am I a ty wife?

I know those voices. I know her giggles. I know what he sounds like when he's in the moment. I also know what they were doing in the voice recording. The unknown number called me and played a recording of my husband having his way with my best friend. They sounded like they were having a lot of fun. He didn't sound sober - this was what my brain told me after I disconnected the call. Then I felt stupid. Why was I making excuses for him right after I heard it?

It's just me against the world now, isn't it? Or has it always been like that?

Friday; 26 April 2013; 4:00 pm

Is it possible to turn back time if I sell my soul to the devil? I don’t want to be in this current timeline. Everything hurts, and I cannot stop crying even if I want to.

I want to go back to the days when he wrapped me in his arms and told me that work isn’t tiring at all if he gets to come home and see me waiting for him at the door. When he was always home for lunch even if that means he have to schedule every afternoon meeting at 3.00 pm, so he have some time to arrive at the office in case he got stuck in a traffic jam on his way back. When he kissed me and I feel love and devotion so overwhelming like I am the luckiest woman on earth. When we make love so passionately that I feel like I am on top of the world. His sweet whispers, his burning touches, his comforting caresses, him- it all was mine. Mine and mine alone, until it wasn’t.

I still vividly remember that one damned phone call that changed my life. Who would have thought? I was right from the very beginning. I am the reason why things are this way. I am the one to blame. It’s my inadequacies. Taemin hates inadequacies. He’s perfect. She’s perfect. It’s my fault that I am not her.

At the end of the day, I am the problem. His mother hates me so much, as much as I love him - and I love him wholeheartedly even after this whole fiasco of a revelation. His mother despised me very much that I have to elope with him in secrecy.

Lee Taemin is cheating on Adreanne Lee with her best friend from university, Tiffany Hwang.

One might ask me, where did things go wrong? I’ll answer. It’s me. I am everything wrong. Because today my friend posted an Instagram story of herself, casually eating lunch. With my mother-in-law. The very same mother-in-law who sent me death threats when I was barely 17 and madly in love with her son. The woman hates me with a fire so passionate that it can never be doused. If she could go back to the past to do one thing, I am certain Madam Lee would choose to unalive me. In a heartbeat. For her, my existence is just... wrong.

Funny thing is, Tiffany knows that he is my husband. I told her everything about Taemin and me. How we eloped and went on a long trip together before he had to study overseas, how hard communication was because he lived on the other side of the world where I would be asleep when he woke up, I told her why we couldn't tell our parents about our marriage, she read all of our letters and told me that someday- she would want to have a relationship like the one we had. I never hid anything from her. She was the sister that I never had. Even my parents didn’t know that I am married to Taemin. Surprise, surprise. That’s how much I trust Tiffany Hwang, my roommate back in university. Whatever this feeling I felt towards both of them right now is, I know it’s not resentment. But I know that it’s very painful. Incredibly so.

The month of April passed by like a blur. I barely remember what I do every day. Taemin still has breakfast here in our house. Mealtimes with him are always so hard for me because I have to hold myself back from crying. We barely exchanged a few words since that phone call happened. He still hugs me at night to help him fall asleep, but I now can attest that he does that only out of habit. That, only if he comes home. Some days he doesn’t return at all. When he does come home the next day, there will always be some kind of makeup stain on his shirt. Most of the time it’s her foundation. Truly a pain to get rid of. Sometimes I think he does that on purpose. A visual reminder of how I am not the only one, and that I will never be enough for him anymore.

He touched me once, a few days ago- probably out of pity and responsibility. He said he missed me. I could’ve sworn that I see tears in his eyes after we kissed for the first time after so long, but it could also be the imagination of my delusional self. I tried to be happy because finally - finally he looked at me. Finally, I am not just another piece of furniture in this house. But I can't be happy. I felt disgusted with myself. The whole night I was praying to whatever deity there is out there so that her name won’t slip out of his lips- because only God knows how many times he has slept with her compared to his own wife during these past three months. That’s more than enough time to build a solid habit.

But it didn’t happen. He didn’t say her name even once, but I reckon that’s only because he bit his lips so hard during the whole thing. He never did that before. Usually, he would chant my name like a mantra; like it was the only word he has learned in his whole life. I wonder if he was biting back the word ‘noona’ from coming out.

In my mind, however, that is what happened. There’s no way I can stop thinking about it if we were to have relations again in the near future. In my mind, he moans her name, and I am just under him that night because his guilt didn’t bring him out of the house fast enough. I feel like a . Like a random woman whom he sleeps with just because his girlfriend wasn’t in the country that night for him to express his desires to; like I was the only option left.

I tried my best to not cry, but I couldn't. He asked me if I was in pain. Of course, I was. I don't think I have ever experienced something like this emotionally. What you feel inside becomes manifests itself into something physical, and whenever I remember the fact that my husband is cheating on me, I feel like I just received a punch in my gut. Whenever I see him now, all I think about is Tiffany unnie. I feel like I have been betrayed. The worst thing is I can't even confront him about it because I am so scared of how he would react. Will he be angry at me? Will he leave me? Will he blame me? Will, he then not come back home and stay with her instead? I don't want that. I want him, but seeing him makes me sad.

His repentance for his sins and probable guilt towards me is by punishing me with his silence and depriving me of his touch. I repent for my sin of not being enough for him by staying quiet, cooking meals for two even when he does not come home, and breaking down every single day right after I put him to bed in his drunken state, or send him away at the doorstep every morning like the docile wife I am.

I am so stupid. Living has never felt so hard.

Adreanne

Saturday; 4 May 2013; 5:15 am

Taemin came home absolutely hammered last night. I felt ashamed of myself when I accidentally cried in front of his driver and begged the boy to not tell this to a single soul. I shouldn't have burdened the boy with my emotional reaction. He looked like he was going to cry along with me. The young man was the son of Taemin's driver - Mr. Kim, who has seen the worst of him. He introduced himself as Taehyung. Taehyung's father has been Taemin's driver since the day we moved into this house. He drives me around sometimes because Taemin doesn't trust me enough to let me drive anywhere far.

Taehyung said he understood, and that he was also told beforehand by his father to not tell anyone that Taemin is a married man. That I am Mr. Lee's wife that he hid because his mother hates me. I wonder to what extent does this Taehyung kid knows about what has been happening in this household.

I helped Taemin get into our bed and I wanted to leave to sleep in the spare room, but he didn't let me. He held my hand. I slide into the bed and lay in his arms. At least he didn't smell like another woman tonight. That is good enough.

"I wonder if you'd still let me hold you like this if you know what I have done behind your back," He slurred. I asked him why. He said he did something unkind. All I can do was cry quietly. I don't think 'unkind' is the right word to describe the damage that he has done.

I left the bed. I wonder if he would remember what I said when he woke up later. I also think about how will he act around me after this, now that he knows that I know about him and Tiffany unnie.

Adreanne

Aaaaa the last diary entry is mehhhhhh so I might rewrite it later when I have a better idea ;A;

Anyway, thank you so much for reading and commenting! I really appreciate it T_T