~take my hand

~take my whole life too

~for I can’t help falling in love with you

~some things are meant to be

~and this is the way it goes

~I just can’t help falli-

Toru hit the button of the radio with a low growl to make it shut up and directed a glare at the now silent device before a low sigh escaped his fine shaped lips. It was finally a day off after three long days of recording, sleepless nights and once again much thinking. It had turned out that calling Alex didn’t exactly help his state but the talk had made it even worse. He had been so lucky that his friend didn’t get suspicious or at least didn’t say so but he came up with some kind of explanation that sounded way too logical. After telling the elder about those confusing feeling and that he didn’t know what to think about his own behavior anymore, the ex-guitarist had only one possible conclusion and his response sounded as followed:

“You can be pretty dumb, you know? I think this sounds totally obvious but you don’t see the wood for the trees. There is a word to describe your current attitude and that’s called ‘jealousy’. With this figured out there is only one other diagnosis to be pointed out. You, my dear friend, seem to have a bad crush on your certain I’m-in-a-relationship-now person.”

Of course Toru denied it and was absolutely sure for this not being true but after they ended the call he couldn’t bring his mind to calm down. He only slept about two hours this night filled with even more confusing dreams and sitting at the table in his kitchen the next morning, feeling depressed and horribly tired, the leader couldn’t help but admit that he might really have an even graver problem than expected.

This was the morning when they had their first day of recording and he could only be glad they had been split up for their parts so I barely got to see the vocalist during the past days. Only for a greeting and goodbye, maybe a short chat in the hallways but it was easy to avoid being around his best friend for too long. So now was a day off and he should feel happy about this but of course his thoughts wouldn’t leave him alone. He felt bad for being jealous and even worse about the fact that he developed such feelings for Taka. How should he be able to look into the elder’s eyes properly from now on with the knowledge that he could never even tell him about this. There was not a snowballs chance in hell for Toru to confess to his friend. Taka was in love with A~chan, they had a relationship and the blonde could never ever have this. He would never know how it felt to see a loving sparkle in the vocalist’s deep orbs, how it felt to touch those full lips that would certainly whisper sweet confessions to the beloved one and he would never find out how it was to hold the slim body so close that he’d be able to feel the other’s heartbeat. This was another thing he felt horrible about.

Since he admitted to himself that Alex was right, the guitarist couldn’t stop himself from thoughts like these and it scared him in some way. He never expected to ever fall in love with another guy, let alone on of his closest friends. And there he was, staring into the already cooled down rest of his coffee and feeling miserable about every little thought that came to his mind. Having a crush on someone wasn’t easy but being in love was even harder because the feelings were far from childish affection and a lot deeper and also much more painful when there was no chance to have them returned. Toru’s head was aching and his heartbeat didn’t seem to calm down, sent a wave of uncomfortableness through his body with every contraction.

Only the unexpected ring of the doorbell managed to wake him from drowning even further in his unpleasant way of thinking and the guitarist lifted his head with a puzzled expression. He didn’t expect any visitors and he also didn’t order anything so it couldn’t be the postman. Another ring sounded through the unusually quiet flat and was followed by soft knocking against the wood of the front door. So whoever it was stood right on the other side of the door and not downstairs in front of the house. Maybe one of the neighbors forgot to close the door to the building once again, wouldn’t be the first time. When the blonde got up and went to the hallway and wanted to answer the door, he froze in his steps when he heard a very familiar voice from the other side.

“I told you he’s not at home otherwise he would’ve opened the door long ago. … How would I know? It’s not like he’s telling me about his every step. In fact, he doesn’t tell me anything at all lately. … He didn’t even answer my text yesterday, why would you think he’d do that today? … I have no clue what I did wrong. Or well, I kinda do know and I’m already trying to fix it but it’s not that easy to do. … No, I’m not going to tell you what this is about and why did you insist on staying on the phone anyway? I would’ve hung up on you in the case of Toru opening the door. And now enough of this, I’ll go back home and I promised to call A~chan so I’ll end this conversation right here.”

Of course the person in front of his door had to be Taka but he was obviously talking to someone on the phone and the leader had to admit he was curious what this conversation was about. The things that he could hear from the vocalist didn’t make much sense or give away anything. But hearing that his best friend seemed to be really frustrated about the atmosphere between them made his heart ache a little. He never wanted Taka to feel ignored or left out and still, this was exactly what Toru had been doing lately. Of course he got the message the day before where the shorter male was asking to meet up on their free day but he could neither bring himself to agree nor reject the other one. And now the blonde was standing in his own flat, staring at the wooden front door and listened to the fading footsteps instead of letting his friend in. He didn’t know at what point he became such a horrible person but it was really awful and the leader bit his bottom lip harshly to suppress a frustrated whimper. Why didn’t he just answer the door like every normal person would do? Taka was his best friend and it wasn’t his fault that the guitarist was unable to cope with his own feelings but that was no reason to act like a complete . Toru knew he disappointed the vocalist and still…his thoughts were simply stuck to the fact that the other one would be calling his new girlfriend in some minutes. He couldn’t even focus on the important things anymore and kept on making the situation even worse than necessary.

“I’m just useless…Why are some stupid, absurd feelings able to mess everything up?!” He didn’t understand and even though the blonde knew it was wrong he didn’t even change his behavior during the upcoming days either. All his energy was used up for the hours in the studio and Toru couldn’t tell how he managed to get work done without too many mistakes but he was glad the album would be finished in time at this rate. The thing he wasn’t glad about, though, was the fact that he completely underestimated his best friend’s temper. If hadn’t been so distracted by feeling bad about himself and trying to focus on work, he certainly would have known that Taka didn’t belong to the kind of persons who would silently watch and endure such a miserable atmosphere. He would’ve know it was just a matter of time for the vocalist’s temper to kick in and honestly, when the curly haired man got seriously angry about something he definitely knew how to make sure this was noticed…

-to be continued-