Kyungsoo first met Jongin when they were ten. Jongin was the new student in class and because the boy happened to be a shade darker than the rest and took ballet classes (ballet was supposed to be for girls) he became the easy target for the class to poke fun at. Most kids made fun of him and even those who didn't still avoided him but Kyungsoo didn't. Kyungsoo thought it didn't matter if Jongin was darker, especially because in the sun the little boy thought Jongin shined, and he thought dancing was pretty neat even if it was ballet. So on Jongin's first day of school Kyungsoo extended his small hand to the other boy, giving him the great big smile his mom had said was her favourite, and introduced himself to Jongin. 

They stuck together after that. Jongin and Kyungsoo. They became one inseparable dou. Jongin went to Kyungsoo's house over the weekend and Kyungsoo would watch Jongin's ballet recitals. Kyungsoo's parents treated Jongin like their own and Jongin's parents just the same. Sometimes when they had recess Jongin would show Kyungsoo some of the dance steps he had learned in class from pirouettes to passé, Kyungsoo would watch Jongin with wild eyes.

And when they went to high school nothing really changed except girls no longer made fun of Jongin. Jongin's dark skin was suddenly y and dancing ballet made him sensitive but the boys still . That didn’t change. Kyungsoo would stand up for him but eventually Jongin learned to stand up for himself. 

Kyungsoo was startled awake by a knock on his door. He turned his head to read his clock: 2:30AM. He considered ignoring the knocking but he already had half a mind as to who it was so he forced himself out of bed and tip toed down the stairs carefully to ensure his parents didn’t wake up. He opened the door to Jongin who was covered up in bruises; a big one on his right cheek. His lip was cut and smeared with blood, hair rough and messy. 

"Hey, Soo." Jongin said casually. Kyungsoo didn't bother asking him what happened; it's not the first time. Well it was the first time this was happening at 2:30AM though. He shushed Jongin and pulled him into his house and quietly dragged him into the kitchen. Jongin sat on the countertop idly swinging his legs as the other boy began to clean and bandaid his wounds. 

"Why do you always have to use physical means, why can't you just talk to those guys when they’re bothering you?" Kyungsoo mumbled. Jongin winced as Kyungsoo applied alcohol over a small scratch above Jongin's right brow. It was honestly a little cute. Jongin, already taller than most of the kids in our school, sat on top of Kyungsoo's counter swinging his legs like the five year he, more or less, acted like. Kyungsoo liked that about Jongin though, it always made him feel like he needed to protect the other. 

"Hey, It's not my fault." Kyungsoo rolled his eye, he’s heard that too many times. "This guy kept saying something about me stealing his girlfriend."

"Well did you?" Kyungsoo raises an eyebrow, smiling teasingly.

"I am still quite clearly single, Soo." Jongin deadpanned. 

"Well you don't have to be, you know. There are plenty of girls out there who like you." 

"I don't need them." Jongin stated. Kyungsoo knew the other well enough from watching him grow. Jongin closed off a part of himself since elementary school. Even if fewer people he wasn't ready to forgive any of them. He kept his heart closed. Kyungsoo covered Jongin's last wound.

"I only need you." 

--

By their third year of high school Kyungsoo finally forced Jongin to stop his useless fights with the other classmates and eventually his classmates stopped picking on him all together. Jongin still tended to keep a distance from everyone but it was okay, he learned to make some friends. They decided to eat lunch outside today; the weather was warm with a gentle wind blowing past the trees, much better than the crowded cafeteria. It also happened to be Monday which was usually when Kyungsoo made lunch for the both of them. 

"Kyungsoo, this tastes so good. It’s your best so far." Jongin closed his eyes and let the cheesey spaghetti melt in his mouth. 

"Jongin, that’s what you say every time." 

"Because it's true. Mmm, it only gets better." Jongin laughed. Kyungsoo mummbled at the other to close him mouth because he still had food in it. He turned away from Jongin and told him to shut up and eat. He'd be lying though if he said Jongin's compliments didn't mean anything to him. They filled him with joy, every week. It was satisfying to see the other boy take such appreciation to his food. They finished their food (Jongin, of course, didn't take too long to gobble down his lunch) and decided to spend the rest of lunch sitting under a tree in the shade. Jongin leaned on Kyungsoo’s shoulder as his complained about school, like he usually did. Why do we have to get up so early. Ahh I failed my math test today. School is so boring.

"School's only as fun as you make it." Kyungsoo said.

"How am I suppose make it fun?" 

"I don't know." Kyungsoo scrunched his eyebrows together and thought back to some of the school dramas he had watched about the ideal high school experience. "Hmm I guess it's more fun if you like someone?" He couldn't really disagree.

"Yeah well I don't like anyone." Jongin sighed.

"Hm what about you though? Any lady catch your eye?" Jongin smirked, poking Kyungsoo's cheek.

"None of the girls are really catching my attention." Kyungsoo said quietly, hoping maybe Jongin would understand the underlining message of girls in general aren't actually catching his attention. But he didn't.

"Don't worry. I'm sure you'll find the one." Jongin joked.

--

But it was Jongin who found his one. It was during the last year of high school. Her name was Soojung. She was tall, beautiful, and new to the school. It was the last year of school and most people had already developed their circle of friend, leaving Soojung alone. However, Jongin, much like how Kyungsoo had years ago, extended his hand with a great big smile and introduced himself to Soojung. Eventually they became very close. Kyungsoo was close to Soojung too but he never felt like it was the same as Jongin. 

He told himself he was happy, happy that Jongin found someone who he'd open up to and, at first, Kyungsoo really was happy for him. Soojung was a nice addition to their duo. 

After high school Kyungsoo and Jongin ended up attending the same university; Jongin majoring in performing arts and Kyungsoo in business management. They decided to rent an apartment together since rent was too high and they were more than used to being with each other. Things just naturally pieced together. Picking apartments, moving furniture, painting walls, it all felt so natural with Jongin. Kyungsoo enjoyed living with Jongin, it wasn’t too different from high school, if anything it was more fun. They established rules in their house; like how Mondays were spent cleaning (“Mondays already so we might as well do all the crappy work then and leave the rest of the week for fun.” Jongin said) and Kyungsoo was in charge of breakfast because breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Kyungsoo was generally the only person allowed in the kitchen, for safety purposes, but still Jongin had his moments.

Kyungsoo could practically taste freedom as he left the campus after finishing one of his biggest tests he’s had so far. The whole course was a pain in the and their professor just as worse. He’d spent the whole week memorizing the textbook, shutting himself off from the outside world. Jongin tried to cheer him up often and gave him encouraging words but most of the time Kyungsoo zoned him out and focused on studying. He felt a little guilty thinking back to it now, he practically ignored the other boy this whole week and despite Jongin not appearing like it: he was still just a kid who thrived from attention. He was in performing arts after all. He decided that maybe he’d cook something for him, something he really likes in order to apologize. Kyungsoo fumbled with his key unlocking their door when the scent of smoke traveled to his senses, something was burning. He quickly ran to the kitchen immediately to see Jongin frying some rice and vegetables together. Kyungsoo sighed in relief.

“What are you doing? Why do I smell smoke?” Kyungsoo dropped his bag and took off his jacket, tossing it on the couch.

“I’m cooking! The smoke may have resulted from my past experiments with the oven but it’s okay. I’m getting the hang of it now. I think.” Jongin grinned. He looked like a mess, he didn't even know how to stir the vegetables properly. 

“I was just about to cook for you.”

“No! It’s okay, you’ve been so stressed from your test so I thought it’d be nice if I cooked, you can go sit down and relax.” Kyungsoo didn’t tell Jongin that there was nothing relaxing about the other boy cooking but he smiled anyway, appreciating the concern.

“How about I help, we can cook together?”

“Hmm, okay, that sounds like fun.” Jongin smiled.

Jongin had finished making the rice leaving the two of them to work on the chicken. They decided on stir fry and Jongin was in charge of cutting vegetable while Kyungsoo marinated the chicken. They worked silently, both concentrating on their job. Jongin and Kyungsoo took turns stirring the chicken until Jongin was bored and decided to let Kyungsoo take over. Jongin sat on their countertop next to the stove as Kyungsoo stirred the chicken adding last minute spices.

“Mmm, it’s looks good.” Jongin sighed. Kyungsoo nodded, it did. He didn’t realize how hungry how was until now. Kyungsoo turned off the stove and waited for their food to cool down while the other boy quickly stuck a finger into the dish and then into his mouth.

“Wow, it tastes great!”

“Ew Jongin, why would you put your finger in it?” Kyungsoo nagged.

“But it’s so good, try it.” Jongin dipped his finger in once more and put it in front of Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo felt his face turn red and flustered. He put his mouth around Jongin’s finger, on it gently. He will admit it did taste good. His mouth lingered only a moment before quickly backing away from Jongin.

“Good isn’t it?” Jongin laughed. Kyungsoo felt his heart beat increase as he saw the other laugh so gently. Jongin’s whole face lit up as his eyes formed crescents.

“It is.” Kyungsoo smiled small.

“I think we make some pretty awesome chiefs.” Jongin declared.

They begin to quickly clean up before eating, putting away all the ingredients and excess dishes.

“Oh yeah, I called Soojung over too. I made a lot more food for two anyway. If that’s okay?” Jongin brought up casually as he put the vegetable back in the fridge. Kyungsoo felt his stomach drop a bit but quickly ignored it. He wasn’t sure why he felt a tad bit disappointed or perhaps he just didn’t want to know why. He wasn’t ready for it.

“Of course, I haven’t seen her in a while anyway.” Kyungsoo smiles, hiding the sickening feeling boiling up in his stomach. Jongin smiled back, but he knew his thoughts were on Soojung. He wondered if he’d been thinking about her this whole time. Was he hoping that she’d enjoy their food? Was he hoping that his food could make her smile? Bring them closer? Kyungsoo pushed the thoughts away from his head, masking himself with smile for the rest of the lunch.  

---

Somewhere within the first year of university Jongin finally built up the courage to ask Soojung to be his girlfriend. The two of them went out to watch a movie and before he left he had confessed to her and asked her to be his girlfriend or so Jongin said. But after he’d gotten home he spent the rest of the night frantically worrying about it.

“Soo, do you think she really likes me?” Jongin asked aloud while the two of them were in bed. Kyungsoo turned around and faced Jongin. It was dark but he could make out his figure across the room staring up at the ceiling.

“Yes, I think she does. I think she has for a while now.” Kyungsoo said honestly.

“What if she only sees me as a friend?” Jongin whimpered. Kyungsoo could see that the fear of rejection was eating him alive but Kyungsoo wasn’t lying when he thought Soojung liked him. He could see it in the way she looked at him, it was different from how she looked at Kyungsoo, much different. But it was no different than the way Jongin looked back at Soojung. It was mutual; their feelings. He wondered how he looked when he looked at Jongin, was it the same way Soojung looked at him. He thought to himself, it probably is.

“Jongin listen to me. She likes you, trust me.” Kyungsoo said. He turned back around and closed his eyes until he heard a ruffling sound from Jongin’s bed followed by footsteps and before Kyungsoo could comment he could feel his bed sink as Jongin laid down next to him.

“I trust you.” Jongin says as he wraps his arms around the other boy, Kyungsoo can hear the smile in his voice. Kyungsoo turned around to face the other boy who was now holding onto him. Jongin's arm were wrapped loosely around Kyungsoo's waist as he closed his eyes. This was one of those moments when Jongin looked like a child; he slept smiling snuggling into Kyungsoo even if he was bigger than him. He looked cute and it made Kyungsoo fluster, he was thankful for the dark hiding his flushed cheeks. He snuggled into Jongin, they were so close Kyungsoo could hear, almost feel, the other's heart beating steadily.

"Jongin?"

"Hmm?"

"How do you know you like Soojung?" Kyungsoo whispered. 

"Well, it feels different when I'm with her, you know? I feel happy but not happy like when the weather's nice or you find five bucks in your pocket. It's different happy, an overwhelming happy but it feels so good and right and you never want it to stop. Do you get what I mean?" Jongin smiled and pulled Kyungsoo closer. 

"Yeah, I think I do." Kyungsoo does. He knew that happiness well. It's when Jongin tells Kyungsoo his cooking is the best. When Jongin tries to cook for him even if he wasn’t that great. When they turn off all the light in their room and watch scary movies. When Jongin told Kyungsoo they should rent an apartment together. Those were when Kyungsoo felt happy, the different happy. He looked back at Jongin who slowly drifted off to sleep, the boy who held his waist tight, who came to his bed late at night because he couldn't sleep, who fell asleep with the thoughts of the beautiful girl he'd fallen for. He couldn't help but feel something else now. It made his heart clench and stomach boil. He thinks it might be heartbreak.

The next day Soojung called Jongin to meet her at a café near their house, where she confessed back to the other boy. The look on the other boy’s face when he came home after was beautiful, Kyungsoo’s not sure if he’d seen Jongin so happy. Jongin practically shined from head to toe, while Kyungsoo felt another piece of his heart break.
---

Jongin went out more often now, he spent most of his day with Soojung and when he wasn’t with her he was at school. Kyungsoo usually saw him at night before they went to bed. Kyungsoo could see the a spot in their dark room coming from Jongin's phone. He knows the two probably spends hours into the night texting. Sometimes Jongin would tell Kyungsoo about his day with Soojung and the other would listen attentively and mask a smile on his face, something he’s gotten used to doing at this point.

“Hey Kyungsoo, let’s go out tonight.” Jongin said one Friday evening.

“What? Where do you want to go?” Kyungsoo hadn’t gone out with Jongin in such a long time, secretly he didn’t really care where they went.

“I don’t know but we haven’t hung out in forever plus Soojung went her visit her parents for the weekend so I’m bored.” Jongin stopped momentarily to think of a place to go. “Let’s go to the club. I want to dance.”

“Out of all places?”

“Yeah, I’m stressed out, I need to relax.” Jongin whines. He pulled Kyungsoo from the couch and pushed him into their room. “Go get ready, dress to impress!”

Kyungsoo was never really the clubbing type. He didn’t really know how to dance or talk to strangers in these oddly lit rooms. Whenever his friends and him went he was usually the one making sure everyone was okay and had a safe drive home. Jongin, however, suited the clubbing atmosphere just fine. He dressed to kill. He wore all black;  black skinny jeans and a leather jacket hugging his body. Kyungsoo couldn’t stop staring at the other boy; Jongin was fluid on the dance floor, his body rocking to the heavy bass, he became the center piece of the club. He sat next to Kyungsoo after, panting. Sharing a couple of shots with the other boy until his words began to slur.

“Jongin, why’d you drink so much?” Kyungsoo muttered as Jongin wobbled along the club.

“I needed to reli-eve some stress!” Jongin hiccuped. Kyungsoo was curious what kind of stress Jongin seemed to be having. Kyungsoo grabbed Jongin as he slowly headed towards the exit. Their apartment was about a block away so they decided to walk back. Kyungsoo tried to concentrate on his steps but he was pretty tipsy himself and everything started to get a little blurry. 

They wobbled through the late night street casting shadows from the street lights. Jongin began to get more restless. He yelled down the street screaming his name and waited for the echo. Truthfully Kyungsoo doesn't remember Jongin being so annoying when he's drunk. Kyungsoo yelled at him to stop but then he started yelling out the other boy's name as well.

"Kyungsoo! KYUNGSOOO!" Jongin yelled. Kyungsoo pushed him.

"Shut up, people are sleeping!" Jongin simply looked at the other boy and smirked. He moved closer to Kyungsoo and whispered into his ear:

"Make me." Kyungsoo felt a shiver down his back from Jongin's hot breath against his neck. Kyungsoo pushed Jongin again, his head was spinning and his motor control was lacking. He may have, perhaps, accidently pushed him too hard because the next thing he knew Jongin was falling, Jongin reacted quickly though and pulled Kyungsoo down with him. They both hit the ground with a thud and Jongin let out a small laugh and recovered quickly. he kneeled over Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo could feel the cold hard cement underneath him but he didn't get up. Something made him stay there. He looked up at Jongin who was staring back at him through glassy eyes. Kyungsoo pulled on Jongin's shirt pulling his best friend closer, the taller boy didn't protest. They were an inch apart, Kyungsoo could feel Jongin's slow and uneven breath against him. 

Jongin leaned in closer until Kyungsoo pulled the boy into a kiss. He pressed his lips to the other boy and sighed as Jongin kissed him back. Kyungsoo wasn't sure what he was doing, it was all impulse. His mind was fuzzy and his prior logic between right and wrong was gone leaving him with a rush of emotions and need. He blamed it on the alcohol. Kyungsoo parted his mouth as the other boy slipped his tongue in. Jongin's tongue was hot against his as it every inch of Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo pulled Jongin closer, wrapping his arms around him. Jongin nipped on the other boy’s lips as Kyungsoo smashes their lips together. Jongin was intoxicating; with every kiss Kyungsoo could taste the alcohol lingering in their mouths making their kiss all the more exhilarating. It didn't take long until their lips were swollen red and Kyungsoo thought that Jongin looked absolutely perfect like this; dark messy hair, plump red lips and, more importantly, in Kyungsoo's embrace. He stared at him for a moment before he felt something streaming down his cheeks.

"Kyungsoo, why are you crying?" Jongin said slowly, his words are still slurred together. Jongin smiled wiping his tears. Kyungsoo felt stupid. He couldn't stop the tears. He wasn't sure why his heart was hurting so much.

When along the way did he fall so in love with his best friend?

Kyungsoo wasn't surprised the next morning when Jongin couldn't remember anything. He didn't think he would. He only wished he could forget too. 

I know what you’re going to say, please don’t say it
--

It was three years later.

Kyungsoo admitted, he was expecting it to happen eventually but still it seemed all too quick. Was Jongin really ready for it? Well it wasn’t Kyungsoo’s right to decide so he continued to do the same thing he’d done for the past few years and fake a smile and listen to Jongin.

“Kyungsoo?” Jongin asked while they laid in bed. It was almost 2AM and he was tired but he was just as awake as Jongin.

“Yeah?”

“Do you think… That I could spend the rest of my life with Soojung?” Jongin says quietly. The question had come out of nowhere. Kyungsoo knew that Jongin’s relationship with Soojung was going well but he didn’t know Jongin was considering this already. Kyungsoo took a deep breath and pushed away the pain in his chest. He was trying, trying so hard to let go of these feeling. It’s been too long and Kyungsoo knew there wasn’t any point in harboring these feeling. Unrequited love was a painful, yet it was so addicting. Perhaps it wasn’t the idea of unrequited love that was addicting (Kyungsoo wasn’t the masochistic type) but the idea of love itself. Even if it was unrequited Kyungsoo cherished all his moments with Jongin, all their happy moments even if it meant having his heart break every time Jongin talked about his girlfriend.

“I don’t know. Isn’t that something you should be asking yourself?” Kyungsoo replied.

“I guess. I feel like I could live with her but at the same time I wonder, am I ready for this?”

“Well there’s nothing rushing you, if you feel ready then…" Kyungsoo swallowed hard. "Then you should ask her to marry you.” It was harder to say it out loud. Kyungsoo repeated to himself, like a mantra, that it was okay. You’ll get over this.  

It wasn’t too long after when Jongin finally asked Soojung’s hand in marriage, naturally she had said yes. Soojung told Kyungsoo how romantic the proposal was and Jongin told him how she’d burst into tears. She showed Kyungsoo her ring in fascination while the other smiled and said it was beautiful. Jongin let Soojung handle most of the wedding preparation because he didn’t see why it mattered having white roses over the red ones or having a wedding outdoor instead of indoor. Their wedding date was set for July 15^th because Soojung loved the summer time.

---

“Kyungsoo, you’ll be my best man right?” Jongin beamed holding onto the other boy’s hand. His eyes were shining.

“Of course.”

Jongin and Kyungsoo both got their tux tailored together and Kyungsoo did he best to avoid looking at Jongin. Naturally the man looked beautiful in it.

---

Four days before the wedding Soojung called Kyungsoo and cried because she checked the weather channel and it was supposed to rain on the 15^th, the worst thing that could happen to their outdoor wedding. Kyungsoo comforted her over the phone and told her it wouldn’t. The weather could change in four days, don’t worry, your wedding will be perfect.

---

On the day of the wedding Kyungsoo walked around and greeted old friends and all of Jongin’s relatives which he’d come to know himself. The sun was shining (the weather forecast had been wrong after all) and he was sweating in his suit. He walked around until he found Jongin; dressed in a slime classy black tux fitting his form perfectly. He looked beautiful just as Kyungsoo had imagined. He walked over to the smaller boy and gave him a hug, practically towering over him. Kyungsoo wrapped his arms around the other boy, Jongin hadn’t said anything, he simply held Kyungsoo silently. So he kept quiet too, it was nice.

“I’m so nervous.” Jongin whispered.

“Don’t worry, everything is going to work out fine. Soojung planned every inch of the wedding.” Kyungsoo reassured the other boy with a small laugh.

“That’s not what I meant.” Jongin’s voice trailed off. Kyungsoo was about to ask him what he meant when someone had called Jongin’s name.

“I’ll be back.” Jongin said with a small smile. “Enjoy yourself, okay?”

Kyungsoo couldn’t help but wonder what Jongin had meant back there but Jongin had already left leaving him by himself once more. This is how it will be from now on, Kyungsoo tells himself. Jongin will move out of their apartment and into Soojung’s. They’ll make their own memories and have their own house rituals. Maybe Jongin will help her cook dinner and at night they’ll fall asleep in each other’s arms.

Kyungsoo wasn’t sure if he’d make it through the wedding but he knew as Jongin’s best friend and best man he had to.

He stood in the side, by Jongin’s side as Jongin waited for Soojung to walk down the aisle. The music began and a moment later Soojung walked down the aisle with her father by her side. She looked beautiful, Kyungsoo’s wouldn’t lie. She wore a long white dress flowing in ruffles hugging each curve. She looked simple yet elegant. Kyungsoo turned to Jongin who looked captivated. His face was blank, probably too shocked to show any emotion. She walked slowly down the aisle until she stood next to Jongin and intertwined her fingers with the boy. The priest began to talk and Kyungsoo slowly drowned him out waiting for him to end.

What if he told Jongin how he’d felt, Kyungsoo wondered. Would it have changed anything in his favor? Or would Kyungsoo have just ruined their relationship?

Will he ever get over Jongin?

Why, what made him so in love with the boy?

Letting you go is not as easy as it sounds

“I do.” Kyungsoo snapped back to reality as soon he heard the words leave Jongin’s lips. A moment later he hears the same from Soojung. The priest says his final words before Jongin and Soojung finally kiss. Everyone is clapping. Kyungsoo could see Jongin’s mother and father in the first row crying; they looked proud of their son. Everyone was cheering while Kyungsoo stood there, unable to move, to speak, to clap. He felt frozen.

He wanted to leave.

He needed to go.

So he left, quietly drifting away as everyone began to cheer. He walked away from the park and found a bench far from the venue to sit on. He rested his head on the bench and let himself go. He felt tears streaming down his face, he didn’t try to stop them this time. It felt good to finally let it out. His chest hurt and he felt like his heart was being ripped from his body. Everything is replaying in his head, all his memories. When he first met Jongin, his first ballet recital he saw. He remembered being mesmerized by the other boy’s dance. He didn’t look like he was dancing. Kyungsoo thought he was flying. He remembers when they both applied for the same high school. He remembers when they both were accepted how they went out for dinner and karaoke. Jongin had joked and said it was like a date. All his memories kept flooding in.

Kyungsoo felt so pathetic.

He felt so alone. So broken.

He realizes this was the meaning of heartbreak.

Why won’t this trembling go away?
 

a/n- there will be a second chapter with a continuation because i hate sad endings aha. it's not really edited all too well, i'll check over it again later! Hope you enjoy and let me know what you guys think so far!