Trigger warning: graphic description of a panic attack ahead

The house is quiet, but you can’t sleep. There’s an unpleasant itching under your skin and your breath is shallow from all the pain you feel that is not physical. You’re clenching your fists around the covers and your pillow, your whole face scrunching as you try to keep away the tears.

You feel utterly alone.

And Taemin’s words from before aren’t helping. “You’ll be alone once I leave too.”

You know that he’ll probably hear if you cry and you hate him for that, hate him for being a stupid ghost, even if you love him at the same time. How cruel is that?

You know that you can’t stay with him. Or rather, he can’t stay with you. He’s a ghost. He will never be human again, it’s not an option. His body is long gone, buried somewhere, you don’t even know where. And he doesn’t love you anyway, not in the way you love him.

You tried to label your love for him. Was it a crush? Was it a passionate feeling? Was it something deeper? Did you love him as a brother, or as a lover? What exactly did you want from him?

You close your eyes shut, giving up. The tears flow, but you’re silent, even as your heart burns and aches and heat goes up your throat, trying to claw out, trying to make you sob and scream.

*

Three days after that Taemin disappears.

You haven’t really talked to him all this time. You ignored him completely and he was more than pleased to do the same thing, but he was always around.

On the fourth day he disappears. He’s nowhere in sight.

And you panic. At first you try to shrug it off, you try to justify it by thinking that he’s angry with you, that he just went invisible because he wants to show you how angry he is.

So you go on with your daily life, with school studying, watching movies. Kyungmi stays for the night once and you have fun, you really do. But when she leaves on the Sunday evening and you go back to the empty room, soft light of your little lamp welcoming you, your heart breaks in half.

“You’ve proven your point, alright?!” you shout out. “I would be on my own without you, completely alone! I have no one!”

Your voice snaps halfway and the whole sentence comes out raspy, like it wasn’t you who said it. You wait, looking around, your fists clenched and your cheeks red from heat, anger boiling inside you with sadness and creating an awful mix.

But Taemin doesn’t say anything. He’s nowhere in sight. He’s not hovering around, he’s not hiding, he’s not being invisible because even then you’d be able to sense his presence at least, just like you know that someone is watching you, just like you can sense someone’s eyes on you. This time there is no such thing.

“Taemin?” you say to the deafening silence, your voice cracking. “Tae.”

Panic creeps up your spine and then pools at the pit of your stomach like a cold flush of water. You go to the bathroom, downstairs, you run around the house, searching him, clenching your fingers around the ring that’s keeping him here, fear stronger with every second.

You don’t want that. You don’t want him to leave like this; you don’t want him to leave thinking that you hate him, knowing that he’s mad at you.

You have to fight down the nauseating waves of panic hitting you over and over as you pointlessly run around the house, screaming out his name and shutting the door with double force, as if screaming and making noise would wake him up, make him show up. “This is not funny! Come out!”

Before you know it, there's anxious, wheezy breathing coming out from your throat. You lean on the wall, feeling your head spinning awfully, making your vision blurry. Your legs give up and you slide down the wall, breathing shallowly. Your lungs seem to resist to the oxygen, seem to shrink more and more, and you can’t, for the love of God, take a breath.

It’s like your brain is shutting down.

You try very hard to calm yourself down because something in the back of your mind is flashing red, telling you it’s a panic attack, and you try to get through it, remind yourself that you’re safe, you’re okay, you’re alive, you’re breathing.

It takes nearly ten minutes to make your breathing normal again. And when you do, your head is pounding so hard you can’t see anything. The fact that you make it to your bed is a miracle.

*

You wake up to someone your shoulder and your heart rate picks up, your mind screaming Taemin’s name, but then you remember that he can’t touch you and a wave of something cold washes through your body. You open your eyes to see your mom, dressed for work, frowning down at you.

“Are you okay?” she asks, whispering.

“What are you doing here?” you ask her harshly, not bothering to sit up. You try to sneak your shoulder out of her touch, but her hand is stubbornly it and giving you goosebumps. “Mom—“

“Your school called,” she says. “That you didn’t show up. I thought something happened, you didn’t pick up your phone.”

“How come you care?” you ask and only then she lets go. You grab your covers up, tuck it under your chin and turn away from her so you face the wall.

“Eun Ri…” the woman starts, but you cover your ears as well.

“I’m not feeling well,” you say. “I’m sorry for not picking up my phone.”

“You know that I care about your health,” she continues. “And you need to know that I’m always here if you’re—“

“If I’m what?” you rasp out. It’s tiny because it’s coming through the covers and pillows. “And you’re never here. I could as well live alone. You wouldn’t even realize if I’d move out.”

“That’s not true,” she sighs. “You’re being overdramatic.”

Usually you’d scream at her. Stand up, push her away, scream at her face. Today though? Today you’re tired. Spend. You only snort silently at her words.

“Fine, mom,” you say. “If you want to justify the whole situation with my hormones, sure, go ahead. I couldn’t care less.”

“Eun Ri!”

It’s the first time you hear her so outraged and sad at the same time.

“I’m not going to talk to you when you’re not even looking at me.”

“Then don’t talk to me,” you say, shrugging. “Just get out of my room. And close the door.”

You’re not suspecting a fight and you don’t get one. Your mom leaves like always and a while later you hear her car engine dissolve in the air.

This time you cry and you don’t muffle your sobs.

*

UNKNOWN
20:54
you ok?

You frown at the message and stare at it for a long minute. You throw your phone onto the bed, ignoring it, and you go to eat some cereals. Then you take a bath. You exit the bathroom with a towel on your head and wrapped in a soft bathrobe. You’re rubbing the towel over your wet hair absently when you pick up your phone again, another message waiting for you there.

UNKNOWN
21:33
didn’t see you at school. Minho here btw

Sighing, you punch out a reply, you’re creepy, don’t text me.

Then you hear the TV going off. Your heart starts pounding so hard in your chest that the blood hits your head and your vision spins, but it’s not even a second before you’re running downstairs, into the living room, to see Taemin sitting there, his usual -face on.

“Taemin,” you gasp out. The boy ignores you. “,” you say then, your legs giving out again and you just plop down on the floor, completely breathless, relief washing over you like a freaking train. “Oh my God,” you mutter. “Oh my God, oh my God.”

You’re kinda just sitting there, rubbing your hand on your face and through your hair, unable to move. When you look up you see Taemin standing in front of you, frowning, worry on his face.

“What’s wrong with you?” he asks, and even though he tries for it to be mocking and he even snorts after, you hear sincere fear in his voice.

“Where the hell were you?” you ask, looking up at him. You’re still sitting down, on your knees, in front of his, your limbs at your sides. “Where did you go?”

“I was here all the time,” he says, shaking his head.

“Five days,” you say. “You were gone for five days.”

“Did you hit your head?” the boy asks, frowning.

“Did you think it’s gonna be funny? Was it fun, Taemin?”

“I don’t know what—“

“Was it fun watching me having a panic attack?” you find yourself saying. You regret it right away when you see hurt all over his face. You close your eyes.

“I was here all the time,” Taemin hisses, crouching down in front of you.

“No, you weren’t!” you shout. “It’s Monday! You disappeared on Thursday, Taemin! It’s almost been six days!”

Taemin is staring at you wide-eyed, completely lost.

“I was here,” he speaks up quietly. “I was here. I—“

He stops talking, closing his mouth. Then he sits down, staggering back a little, when his own legs give out. He stares into air, his eyes blank.

“You didn’t know?” you ask him. “Where were you? Where did you go?”

“You know I lose track of time. It’s not the first time—“

“But when you lose track of time I’m still able to tell that you’re around,” you interrupt him again. “This time it was like you’ve dissolved into thin air. It was like—I was so scared you’re gonna leave, that you’re going to go, leave without telling me about it, hating me—“

“I’d never hate you!” Taemin shouts. “Do you hear me?! Never, Eun Ri!”

“But you did hate me!” you say. “You hate me for meddling in your life, for—“

“You were the one who decided to ignore me when I stated the truth. You’re the same as your mother,” he stands up angrily, throwing his arms to the sides. That sentence makes your heart break and you look up at him, hurt and sore, your eyes raw from tears. “You hide behind lies and anger when someone tells you something hurtful! You are alone, you only have me, but it’s not your fault, it’s not something you need to me ashamed of! It’s how life works! It’s unfair and it’s lonely and you never know when you’re gonna lose the most precious thing!”

He spits the last words out and turns away from you to let out a hurtful, sharp shout that echoes through the walls and makes you shiver.

“You think you’re miserable? Wait until life will come to kick you when you’re lying, because that’s gonna happen. You’ll realize your mistakes and you’ll try to fix them and that’s when life will come to slap you on the face using all possible sources.”

You want to ask him if that’s something that happened to him. But your mind works in mysterious ways and it’s not the first thing that decides to make its way to your brain.

At first you think that maybe there’s something wrong with your eyes. But then you realize that no, it’s not your eyes.

“Taemin,” you say quietly. Taemin is pinching the bridge of his nose, his hands shaking. “Taemin.”

“What?” he barks.

“You’re almost see-through,” you inform him.

“That’s because I’m a ing ghost, did you seriously hit your head today—“

“You’re blurry. You’re almost gone, I barely see you,” you choke out.

Taemin looks up at you, then at his hands. He squints at his fingers and wiggles them a little, letting out a broken, quiet gasp.

“No,” he mumbles. “No.”

“You’re disappearing, aren’t you?” you demand, leaning on your hands. “You’re—“

“This can’t be happening,” Taemin says, shaking his head violently. “No—“

“Taemin,” you say, watching as his silhouette gets even blurrier and blurrier, like mist that’s slowly disappearing in the sunlight. You stand up. “Oh my God, Taemin—“

“I can’t,” he says. “Not now. It can’t be happening.”

He finally looks up at you, his eyes sincere, scared and hurt as ever. “Eun Ri—“

“Wait, no,” you say. His left hand disappears completely and his eyes widen when he sees that. Panic is making your every muscle tense, your head is spinning, your heart is aching and everything hurts. It’s as if your soul is trying to get out of your body the closer you get to the boy, clawing its way out.

You reach out towards him, seeing crystal-like tears fall down his cheeks as he looks into your eyes.

Your hand clenches around his wrist then, the one that is still visible, and a never-ending wall of coldness hits you, envelopes you, freezes your heart.

And that’s when the memories come.

*

“If you could only put as much passion into studying instead of into reading these stupid books of yours, maybe you’d actually get somewhere in life,” a harsh voice tells him. He cringes at it, but tries to cover it before looking up at his father.

“It’s Exupéry,” he answers. “It’s not stupid. But you wouldn’t know about that.”

His father makes a disguised face, “Do your homework, kid, or no food for you.”

“I will,” Taemin says, rolling his eyes. “Get out of my room.”

“Ungrateful punk…” his father mutters before closing the door with a soft ‘click’. Taemin sighs and goes back to his reading, but he can’t quite focus on the words.

*

“Grandma’s dead,” his mother tells him, his hair gently. “She died in her sleep. I’m sorry sweetie.”

Taemin wants to hug her because she looks like she needs comfort, not him. Her eyes are puffy, red and swollen, her cheeks raw from all the rubbing, the skin on her nose cracked from all the wiping.

It’s incredibly hot on the funeral. Sweat is trickling down his neck and forehead, his palms are clammy. After, he eats so much he spends the night throwing up and the next day lying in his bed, crying into his pillow.

*

Taemin is hiding.

He’s shaking from strain and breathing harshly, his lungs burning from running, and he’s squeezed between two buildings, his head barely sticking out from the shadows. He’s trying to make his pulse slower, but it’s not possible.

“There!” a voice shouts and he curses loudly, jumping onto his feet to take off in the opposite direction of the voice. He’s running like crazy, passing people and honking cars, and he runs out on the street, mad car drivers honking and shouting at him. He looks back to see four guys chasing him, two of them waving basketball bats around, and a flush of panic makes his legs go quicker. He almost trips over a cat, jumps over a fence and runs towards the park, green, soft grass under his feet. He grips his fingers around the straps of his backpack, fixing it.

“Sorry, sorry!” he shouts, pushing people away if there’s someone in his way. He runs on the wide path made of tiny rocks, cherry blossoms around him, pink petals falling like snow around him.

And then a girl on a bike drives out on his right and Taemin isn’t able to avoid her fast enough. They collide, the handlebar hitting him hard on the ribs. The bike falls down, knocking him down, and he ends up under both the bike and the girl.

“What the hell were you thinking?!” she shrieks.

“Where were you looking?!” Taemin shouts back.

Then he sees the four guys running past them, not seeing him, but he still ducks in the second he spots them, dragging the girl further onto his torso. She shouts and he gets slapped in the face.

“ert,” she says.

“Ouch!” he exclaims, only then looking at her. She has curly, chocolate hair and the cutest little button nose he’s ever seen. She’s also very angry and pushing herself off of him hastily. “Okay, wait, I’ll—“

He tries to reach out to help her up, but she decides to kick him in the stomach instead while she stands up. Then she picks up her bike with an annoyed grunt and glares at him.

“Way to pick up a girl,” she says.

“I was running away!” Taemin gasps up, standing up. “Ow, ow—“

“You deserve the pain.”

“How could you not see me?!”

“How was I supposed to see you?! You crossed my path! You just ran out!”

They eye each other for a long time, both breathing harshly. Then the girl looks at his nose and cheek, then at his lips and asks, “What happened to you?”

Taemin rolls his eyes, “I told you I was running away.”

She squints at him, “Are you some kind of a delinquent?”

“Yeah, the one that pisses everyone off by reading books,” he snorts. ‘And randomly by being an ,’ he adds in his mind, but he doesn’t need to tell her that.

The girl goes to take something out of her bag. Taemin frowns at her. She pulls out a pack of plasters.

“For your cheek?” she asks. Taemin stares at her for a while longer before nodding and taking a step closer, leaning towards her. The girl sticks out her tongue as she puts the plaster onto the cut on his cheek, her fingers brushing his skin and sending waves of warmth and electricity there. “You should clean those cuts.”

“Yeah,” Taemin mutters, feeling a blush creeping up his neck. “Uh—what’s your name?”

“Ae Sook,” the girl replies. “Yours?”

“Taemin.”

“Taemin.”

“Nice stumbling upon you.”

“Oh, you’re that kind of guy.”

Taemin grins.

*

“I’m pregnant,” Ae Sook whispers.

Taemin’s heart shatters.

“It’s your child,” the girl adds, her voice helpful. Her hand finds her. “You’re gonna be a father.”

Her voice is quiet, uncertain, her eyes watery.

Taemin shakes his head.

“No,” he says. Ae Sook’s eyes become hurt right away, hazy, resigned. “No,” Taemin says again, stronger this time. “Not now. I don’t want to. I don’t want it.”

A tear rolls down her cheek.

“What—“

“I can’t,” Taemin stands up, jerking away from her touch. “Why did you… No, just no.”

He’s out of the room without thinking. Ae Sook runs up to him, grabs his wrist.

“Tae…”

“Don’t touch me!” he hisses, once again jerking away. “I don’t want it! Don’t talk to me!”

He rushes out of the house, not even bothering to close the door.

*

What on Earth did I do?

He’s staring at his hands, his insides twitching in pain and growing nervousness.

What did I say? Why did I say it? How could I do that?

Her laugh echoes in his ears.

He grabs his jacket and runs out of the house, his mom’s voice following after him but soon disappearing in the air. He jumps into his car, turns it on and drives out.

He’s too nervous, scared and hateful to see the truck coming from the opposite side. He’s too late, too slow; he won’t be able to hit the brakes in time.

The pain is enormous. It devours him. Both physical and mental. He feels like he’s burning. His insides are bleeding. His soul is freezing cold. His heart is screaming.

He’s trying to scream, but only blood comes out. He’s trying to blink, but everything is red. He’s trying to move, but everything hurts.

The coldness that comes after is never-ending.  

I'm so sorry for such a long absence AGAIN. I'll be honest with you guys, I was so focused and caught up with my other fic that I got tied up. Like idk I know I'm awful and I'm very sorry for that.

Have a brand new chapter. This fic is coming to an end very soon. Max two chapters left, tbh.

Idk if I've said that before, but this is not a story with a happy ending. There's "sad" in the tags and not because the overall content is about death (I guess?) but because it's not your usual romance story. So just a little heads up! 

Thanks to all who subscribed lately, and thanks to those who upvoted. I'm sorry if there're any weird mistakes, it's 1:14 am and I just really wanted to add it otl. 

See you soon cuties!

PS Are you freaking out over Taemin's solo? Because I am and it's consuming me OTL