Taemin has been in your life for 8 years now. Usually he would spend your every birthday with you, but this winter was different because you had a friend. Kyungmi visited you with a cake and it was probably the first time you had a friend over at your house. You were nervous. When the girl crossed the doorstep, Taemin was leaning on the wall in the hallway. You stopped breathing when she was passing him, but she didn’t notice him at all.

Well, it wasn’t that you were expecting her to see Taemin, but you still hoped and were being curious. Taemin's face was weirdly blank during the whole time. And that was new, because even though he was mysterious and liked to keep every emotion to himself, you became really good with reading his thoughts and feelings.

“Okay, I won’t be bothering you. And no eavesdropping, promise,” he said, putting his hand on his heart, bowing a little. You nodded and went to the kitchen to help Kyungmi unpack the cake. You two ended up watching movies till late night and then talking till 5 am. You couldn’t believe that you spend the whole night talking to somebody and you still had so much to chat about.

“I never asked you that, but,” Kyungmi said, rolling onto her belly and crossing her arms so she could put her head on them. “Where exactly is your father?” she finished, eyeing you carefully. You smiled at her and closed your eyes for a bit; you were expecting some more serious question. You were kinda relieved that it was only about your father.

“My parents divorced when I was six or so,” you answered. “Nothing awful. I haven’t heard from him since,” you added, sighing deeply, but also making a neutral face. You really didn’t care about your dad. He left you and didn’t even try to be a father. You were glad that he was sending you money. “We didn’t really get along to begin with, so it wasn’t that bad when he left, I barely remember that.”

Kyungmi hummed, and then yawned.

“Then what about your mom?” she asked, rubbing her teary eyes. “I've never even seen her. She must be out most of the time."

“Yep,” you said, but your heart ached for a second. You didn’t like that feeling and tried to brush it off. “She works a lot.”

Kyungmi embraced you suddenly and you chuckled at her. She attached herself to you like a koala, and you felt at ease, because you haven’t hugged anybody in a while. Your mom was away for almost a week, doing God knows what. You hugged her back and you fell asleep tangled in the blankets. You slept till 1 pm.

You were making breakfast when Kyungmi came back from the bathroom. She washed her hair, but didn’t change her pajamas yet. You saw her frowning and glanced up with curiosity. Your eyes darted away from her and you saw Taemin jumping down from the stairs. He looked surprised to see Kyungmi.

“You slept like rocks,” he noted. You quickly turned away.

“Is this house old?” Kyungmi asked, leaning on the counter and looking at you making sandwiches.

“No, I think it’s quite new?” you said, looking at the ceilings. “Why?”

“I’m not trying to be rude here, but it’s kind of creepy,” she said. Your heart fell. You felt this awful hint of panic somewhere in your heart. Blood drained from your face. Kyungmi turned to face you, and after seeing your expression, her eyes became sad and apologetic. “No no no, oh come on,” she said, standing by your side right away. “I like your house. But the doors are closing upstairs all the time and it creaks non-stop. But that’s what houses do,” she actually laughed. But you were already making a hole through Taemin’s head.

“Don’t take me that seriously,” Kyungmi said, laughing. “Where do you keep the plates?”

You sighed and pointed your finger at the right cupboard.

Taemin was standing in the corner and looked guilty. You rolled your eyes on him and he looked down, on his feet, hovering slightly over the floor. You hesitantly went back to breakfast, but wondered. Like any house, yours creaked and the wood popped sometimes. But then there were things that don’t make any sense, like the sound of doors closing upstairs when you're the only one home and none of the windows are open. But well, you knew that it was all Taemin’s doing and you were totally used to it. Some time ago you also realized that it’s really uneasy to scare you. You don’t startle when someone grabs you from behind or things like this; years of having Taemin randomly popping out of the walls has destroyed any ability to surprise you. And it was frightening, really. Because someone could break into your house and you wouldn’t even care.

Then again, Taemin would tell you for sure.

*

During all this time Taemin got to know you better than anybody in the world ever would. To be completely honest, he knew you to the same extent you knew yourself. He didn’t want to admit it, but sometimes he would go invisible (not for the sake of seeing you , nope!) and just watch you. Sometimes he did it unconsciously, his ghost side taking control. He was easily forgetting that you can see him, which didn’t mean he didn’t appreciate your company, because he did; he loved to talk to you, to have a real human being by his side.

But more than that, he liked to listen to you singing under your nose or watching you brushing your hair away out of a habit. He liked to watch movies and TV shows with you, and you were a er for all of them. He was a person you could talk to about all your feelings and thoughts. He knew how random you were, that you were spacing out a lot and that you like to dance in the hallways when in a good mood. He knew that you had a habit of scratching your head, biting the insides of your cheeks when in thoughts or listening to Metallica when you were angry or sad. He knew how hard it was to you without parents in your life and he was proud that you were doing so well.

And yes, he was proud of himself too, because he felt like your older brother. You two were a real family, there was no doubt. He knew how you acted on your period, how you acted when you were depressed for some reason. He knew what you liked. He knew your rules and morals and the books you’ve read. He was like a personal memory stick of yours. When you were talking to somebody on chat, or when you were writing an essay to school and you would forget the name or something – that happened to you a lot – he would remind you. He even remembered most of the dates of your family members’ birthdays so you could call them. And he was always there, creeping in the background or downstairs. You had no secrets from him. If you were crying, he was by your side, but never touching.

You tried to touch him a few times, but he was always escaping, frightened. You figured out that touch was impossible anyway, but you wanted to find out what it was like to touch a ghost.

You were watching TV with him one weekend, munching on popcorn.

“Don’t you miss food?” You asked out of blue, but really curious. “Because food is like… food is life, dude,” you sighed, the salt from your fingers. Taemin growled.

“Tell me about it,” he said. “But I guess that without an actual brain I don’t have like… any real craving for food. I remember how hamburger tastes like though.”

You rolled your eyes.

“Among all the food you could pick you chose hamburgers? Really?” You asked in disbelief. “You’re not my friend.”

“Hamburgers. Are. Freaking. Delicious,” he stated. “Gosh. You would only eat either salty or sweet stuff. I would rather puke before eating marshmallows.”

You sticked your tongue out at him. You watched in silence for half an hour, only laughing from time to time or commenting something quickly. You started surfing on the canals when Taemin shifted on the couch.

“I’ve been wondering, but never actually asked,” he said. “I haven’t met anyone who could see me before. Are you some kind of psychic? Like Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost? Do all the spirits try to talk to you or something?”

“You know that they don’t,” you said. “Also, who is Whoopi Goldberg? Isn’t that this hippie from Sister Act?”

“Really? This huge amount of good movies with her and you chose Sister Act?” he snorted at you with despise. You clutched at your heart, pretending to be hurt, letting out a soft gasp.

“Oh no. Was I just attacked with the almighty sarcasm of Taemin the ghost? Gosh, I feel so hurt,” you snickered and pushed a handful of popcorn into your mouth.

“Sarcasm my …” Taemin muttered. You threw popcorn at him, but of course, it flew through him and landed on the couch. He giggled.

“But really, it all started with Mr Waffles, remember?” you reminded him. He opened his mouth with a gasp.

“Oh yeah! Good old Mr Waffles,” he sighed. “May his soul rest in peace,” he added with sadness, but also a hint of sarcasm, again. You figured out that he was referring to himself.

“Why can’t you rest in peace?” you asked. Taemin looked up at you and sighed. He didn’t answer again. You were staring at each other for good seven minutes, without a word. He eventually gave up and pointed at the TV.

“Thirty-eight,” he said. You rolled your eyes, but not at him. You knew that it would end like that anyway. You clicked 38 on the remote in the moment Supernatural started.

It reminded you of trying to scare Taemin with salt that0 one time, because it always worked well in the show. Also, the poltergeist thing? Ghosts going bad after spending a long time on Earth? Total bull, looking at Taemin. He liked to watch flies and freaked out when you tried to smash them.

But there was still a part in the show telling that ghosts are kept on Earth by items or people. And in that you actually believed. But what was the item keeping Taemin in the house? You had no idea.

*

Another year flows by and are were sixteen when your mom informs you about getting a new job. It's a big surprise - she always liked her previous job and you didn't thought he'd like to change it -  and there's a hint of hope in your heart, because you assume that she would be able to spend more time with you now.

But it turns out to be worse than before, because she says that she sometimes will have to be away for a few weeks even. Which means: no more trips together, no more late dinners (they were rare anyway, but still) and even less contact.

The only person you really have is Taemin. Taemin giving you advices, Taemin being your pillar. He's keeping you alive, keeping you company. He even taught you how to be sarcastic at some point. And your sarcastic has saved you so many times already.

One day you are writing an essay to school. And it's probably the first time you want to write it by yourself, without his help. But Taemin is obviously bored and can’t find anything on the TV to watch. You tell him to read a book or something, but he's totally moody. So he's creeping beside you, huffing at your hair and trying to talk to you. You spend ten minutes trying to shoo him off. Well, doesn’t really work.

It gets really annoying at some point and you are slowly getting crazy.

“Stop lurking, Taemin!” you growl, turning to glare at him. “Either sit where I can see you or go and do something productive that doesn’t involve destroying my sanity.”

Taemin blinks and pulls a face.

“I’m not lurking,” he replies, imitating your voice poorly, but he flushes as though it might be true. “I’m just standing here.”

“Can you stand somewhere else? Somewhere that isn’t here?” you make a wide gesture with your hand, showing him the living room in a theatrical manner. “What do you even do all day when I’m out?” you ask.

“I don’t really have a sense of time anymore, so hours go by pretty quickly. I people-watch a lot. Your neighbour is super creepy, by the way.”

You're glad you're not the only one who feels that way. Your anger hushes down as Taemin sits on the couch, crosses his legs and starts rocking back and forth.

You sigh once and continue to write.

And then Taemin starts to make some stupid noises with his mouth. At first he’s whistling, but then he’s popping his lips, and you think that you may really go crazy if he doesn’t stop. When he adds knees-patting to the popping, you have an urge to throw your laptop on him.

“Oh my God you’re so annoying!” you growl, unplugging the laptop. You intend to go to your room and shut the door, even though it wouldn’t make a big difference for a ghost. “Be thankful I’m not performing an exorcism right now,” you add, stumbling on the stairs. Taemin shows up in front of you, holds his hands up in surrender, but you hear him laughing as he slowly fades from sight again. You are finally in your room, alone. You know that you’re alone because you learned to sense his presence. And when you finally hope that you will finish your essay in peace and be proud of yourself after, you feel something in the pitch of your stomach and Taemin’s head suddenly pops out from the other side of the room.

“I could be so much worse,” he threatens. “I could be a poltergeist.”

And you jump at the sound of his voice, cursing at him and throwing pencils at him.

“Thank God for small blessings,” you mutter under your nose. You hear Taemin laugh somewhere in the walls and you don’t know if it’s scary, creepy or annoying.

*

One day things between you two suddenly get awful. And everything happens because of your curiosity. Of that stupid thought that's been haunting you the whole day and doesn’t leave you even for a moment. Today this thought is burning a hole in your brain, making your body move on its own.

You are sitting on the couch, Taemin beside you, but keeping his distance, as always. And the only thing you want to do now is touch him. See what he feels like. What a ghost’s skin feels like. You want to see if your hand will go through or if it will react differently. Your curiosity is so strong that one moment you’re holding the remote, the next your hand shots up towards Taemin’s own.

And he sees that sudden movement, he startles and jumps off the couch, curling into himself, disbelief, anger and shock all over his pale, now even whiter face.

“What the ?” he growls unbelievably quietly. You wish that he would shout, be angrier. You feel guilty right away.

“I’m so sorry,” you mutter, standing up, making him take a step back.

“I told you not to touch me, Eun Ri,” he whispers, rubbing his hand.

“I’m sorry,” you say. “I’m really sorry. I just wanted to see. I wanted to know how it feels like.” Taemin looks like a lost puppy at the moment, making you feel like a piece of crap. “Why are you so scared of me touching you?” you ask. “Is it me or…”

“No, it’s not you, God” he says. “I know what will happen and believe me when I say that touching me will only bring you pain. You don't want that."

“I do.”

“No you don’t,” he strongly states, giving you that look. The look that always makes you feel vulnerable. It’s one of those fatherly looks. The you-have-to-listen-to-me-because-I’m-older-and-stronger-and-you-don’t-have-to-know look. And usually you would curl up into your shell and just leave Taemin be. But this time you can’t. Maybe because you got matured at some point, or maybe because he was like family to you. No, he was more than family.

“You’re always keeping all of this to yourself,” you say, your heart aching. “Nine years, Taemin. Nine years and I don't know about you,” you grab your hair out of a habit, but also as disbelief and anger start to grow in your body. “And don’t you dare to disappear now,” you add before continuing.

“You are always there for me. Even though you don’t have to. You replaced my mother, for God’s sake,” you scoff. You’re already boiling. Taemin’s gaze softens as he hears it. “All I want now is to know the truth. No, not even that, I want to help you. I want to help you got where you belong. I don’t care how lonely, or sad I will be, you did so much for me that I want to help you. I see how you act, I see how broken you are. Do you think that I’m this stupid?” you ask.

Tears appear in your eyes and Taemin takes a step closer, as if wanting to hug you, but this time you’re the one to take a step back, avoid him.

“For all these years I never once forced you to tell me the truth. I always listened to you and waited, patiently, because I thought that you will tell me everything yourself. But no, you didn’t. I don’t know if that’s because you don’t trust me or what, but it hurts, Taemin, it ing burns my heart to see you in that state and knowing that you don’t intend to tell me anything.”

Taemin only stares at you and you see tears in his eyes too, which is ridiculous, because how can a ghost cry. You even scoff in your own sobbing voice, wondering how the can a ghost cry? More than that, you are the only one who should cry now. He has no rights to cry and make you even guiltier.

Then he glances at you once again and he disappears, melting into the air. You throw your hands up, growling loudly and cursing.

“I’m so much younger that you and I know how to talk about my problems!” you try. You are so tired and dried of energy that you can’t even use any good remarks on him. “You taught me how!”

But there’s only silence. And you can feel Taemin’s presence for a few more seconds before he slips from between your fingers and leaves you alone.

You feel tears in your eyes, but you quickly get rid of them.

You know that he will eventually come.

You hope that he will come to you.

But your heart still aches and you sob quietly, once, before getting rid of any wetness on your face, because you’re not a little child anymore. And because you don’t want to show him that you’re so weak when it comes to him.

Even though you know that he’s your soft spot.

“Stupid ghost-y mojo,” you growl, throwing a pillow from the couch onto the floor. You feel guilty about the pillow after two seconds and gently put it back.

*

You don't actually see Taemin again for a few days and you can’t tell if it’s a ghost thing, or just downright creepy. And the fact that you knew Taemin was there somewhere, just silently lurking in the background, was driving you crazy.

You miss the little things like the way Taemin used to sing off-key renditions of Queen songs when he thought you weren’t home or when he entered the room and didn’t expect to see you there, so he would jump, startled. You questioned him being the ghost in the house so many times you’ve lost count.

But he finally shows up, right after you wake up on Monday. You can barely see him because of the sunlight beaming through the window right into your eyes. He looks like a jellyfish in the gold rays of sun. His eyes glow with coldness, but he looks so beautiful and so perfect that your heart stops for a moment and you can’t breathe normally.

“I will tell you what keeps me here and why,” he says. “But you can’t touch me. Ever.”

I'm sorry if there are some grammar mistakes or typos, I didn't check it twice because I'm too lazy lol 
I'll do that tomorrow though! Thank you so much for subscribing and commenting ♥