The 7^th day of the month was a perfectly-awful-heart-wrenching day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The day of the month where I would rather sleep all day than be seen by anyone I know or don’t know for that matter. Everything inside my room looks so bare and empty, just the sight alone depresses even the most optimistic person I know.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Unnie, it’s already 6 am we need to be in YG building at 8.” Chaerin said as she knocked on my door. She didn’t have to remind me and she knows that. But she knows me far too well, that the chances of me calling sick today and waste the whole day eating ice cream as I watch every single melodramatic drama I own. I ignored her and pretended to sleep, just in case she falls for it. “Unnie, I know you’re already awake. You can’t bail on today YG appa says so.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

I inwardly sighed as I resigned myself to the fact that I won’t get my way today. “I’m up.” I grabbed my towel and stepped outside my room, Chaerin was standing in front of my door still in her PJ’s while holding her toothbrush.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Unnie, you know I want you to stay home today, but my hands are tied.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I know.” I said quietly. “Just . . . if . . . you know, try to talk to me . . . please Chae . . . don’t leave me.” My eyes stinging, my heart was hyperventilating,  just by the mere thought of anyone talking to me today - hurts me. Sighing wearily, I saw her worried expression. I can see the genuine concern in Chaerine’s eyes, she is so torn.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Maybe, you should just stay in today unnie.”

 

 

 

 

 

I probably would have jumped on the offer, but I know that her will be toasted by YG appa, I’ve been a coward far too long. There are some things in life one can’t escape forever.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“No, it’s fine. Just don’t leave me alone today.” I asked her fervently.

 

 

 

 

 

She nods her head, “I promise unnie, Bom unnie and Minkki and I won’t leave your side.”

 

 

 

 

 

My tensed shoulders relaxed as I went to the bathroom and took my time to cry the torrent of tears that keeps falling.  It has been a year already and it still hurts me. I should have known better. He is The Kwon Jiyong. The chance of him keeping his promises to me is a slippery slope and I took my chances and now I’m suffering the consequences.

 

 

 

 

 

Did he even love me?

 

 

 

 

 

Of course he did! He couldn’t fake all the times he spent with me. He can’t fake the smiles he gave me, he can’t lie about the times when he said he loved me, he can’t just make up all those promises, he can’t just forget about everything like nothing ever happened. Because I can’t. I ing, stupidly just can’t. I miss him. Every single day, I miss him. I miss spending time with him. I miss waking up in his embrace. I miss the feel of his kiss after a long day. I miss everything about him.

 

 

 

 

 

But I know that I shouldn’t even think about him. But I do. I want him – need him badly back in my life. I want him so bad in life that it’s like a vile sickness, gnawing my insides until nothing is left but longing.

 

 

 

 

 

The times he and I spent together, sneaking out, heading to the beach, driving around, kissing and making love, those moments we shared where everything looked surreal, those weren’t illusions I made up.

 

 

 

 

 

Are you sure? My conscience asked. Are you even remotely sure that he even loved you? Look at what he did.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I faltered at that thought.

 

 

 

 

 

Chaerin knocked on my door. “Unnie, you’ve been there for a while already. Our manager is downstairs already. Hurry up.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

I glanced at the clock and realized she was right, “I’m done already. I’ll meet you there in 10.”

 

 

 

 

 

“Arasso.”

 

 

 

 

 

I heard her footsteps away from the door and immediately ran to my room is and grabbed the first shirt and pants I had on my dresser. I ran as fast as I could just for me to not let them wait further for me. When I was already on the parking lot, Chaerin and Jjangme looked at me weirdly but didn’t comment. It must have been because I was panting heavily. I got inside the car and we drove quietly. Even Jjangme knows how badly I want to avoid getting out today.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I love you Dara, from here to the moon and then back.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I love you, forever and always.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I love you, I won’t ever hurt you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lies. He was full of it. He broke every single promise he gave me when he left me. I don’t ever want to fall in love again. Especially when it only gives me pain and suffering rather than the promises of bliss it usually portrays.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The kind of love Kwon Jiyong gave to me, is passionate, crazy, erratic and spontaneous.  And I have no plans in finding myself in that situation again. Because, he ruined other men to me. No other man can make me feel like the way he did. No other man can love me the way he could. No other man can me feel special like he did. No other man can make me love them the way I did for Kwon Jiyong. He left a scar in my heart – so big, that not even time can heal it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

We soon arrived in YG building. As always, for the past few months, there were a lot of media people wanting to take a glimpse of YG family. Chaerin dragged me inside the building as fast as she could, not wanting to be pictured any further. We quietly walked towards YG appa’s office. Everyone was wearing black and white and even till now, Kwon Jiyong’s death still lingers above us.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He went to New York last year to meet up with some of his friends there. No one knew that he went there. When he left Seoul that day, he told me when I asked him, “I’ll be gone for a few days, but just in case you’ll forget, let me tell you something, I love you Park Sandara. You are the most special girl I have ever met. I love you and the only time I’d be the happiest man in the world is when I have you as my wife.”

 

 

 

When he was asked where he would be going,  he told everyone that he would just be going to Japan for just a few days. That’s why it came as a shock when his mom called YG after five days about Jiyong’s whereabouts, since, apparently, someone from NYPD called his parents residence asking Mrs. Kwon to go to New York to look at a body.

 

 

 

 

 

 

YG appa, along with Big Bang and his parents flew to New York. I can still vividly remember that awful day when they returned with Jiyong. He looked beautiful even when he was already a corpse.

 

 

 

 

 

The worst thing is that he was shot in Bronx, the only place in NYC where es where teeming. If he wanted to cheat behind my back, I would have let him. Instead of him going to New York and come back dead.

 

 

 

 

 

Seungri as soon as he saw me he immediately went by my side and hugged me tightly. “I knew that you would come noona. This would mean so much to Jiyong Hyung’s parents. They miss you.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

And I miss them, too. But I couldn’t face them before. I would have cried harder than anyone in his wake so I opted not to attend his funeral. But I went to his grave when everyone was gone. I cried there. All the pent up emotions bottled inside me burst out of me. I couldn’t say anything to Seungri. I gave a look to Chaerin and she immediately understood.

 

 

 

 

 

“Yah Rat . . . didn’t you miss your own girlfriend?” She glared at Seungri. He chuckled and hugged Chaerin and lightly kissed her cheeks. “About time, too.” Chaerin and Seungri started bickering like an old married couple, while Bom and Minzy tried their best to distract me.

 

 

 

 

 

YG appa then stood up from his seat, “Today is Kwon Jiyong’s death anniversary. And I appreciate that everyone made an effort to attend.” YG appa looked at me meaningfully. “Just yesterday, a package from NYPD arrived. They found Jiyong’s murderer and the reason why he was shot.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

I gasped and everyone’s eyes looked at me. I stayed quiet and YG appa continued. He took out a zip locked bag. Inside was a wallet, his phone and a small pouch. “Kwon Jiyong was murdered by Albus a.k.a the kid Andrews. Jiyong tagged along with his friends in Bronx, but to go visit his cousin Kwon Young Deuk and convince Deuk to come back here in Seoul. But aside from that, Jiyong went to NYC for another reason.”

 

 

 

 

 

YG appa took out the small pouch and took out the most beautiful ring I have ever seen. It was just simple, with a huge diamond in the middle and a few small ones on both sides. “A few days ago, Albus was caught when he tried selling the diamond ring. And he confessed. Jiyong after his failed attempt on convincing his cousin, tried to leave the premises as fast as he could. Albus tailed Jiyong and since Jiyong wasn’t familiar to the place, he was easily cornered. He gave in to every order Albus gave him, Albus looked at Jiyong’s pockets and found the ring. Ji tried to fight him off and one of Albus’s friends shot Jiyong in panic. They ran off. One of the neighbours who saw called 911 but it was already too late when 911 arrived.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My tears were silently falling with each word YG said. “Dara, this ring belongs to you.” He gently passed the ring to me again. I felt my throat thicken with emotion. My throat was so thick with expression. I took the ring YG appa was holding out for me.

 

 

 

 

 

I held it gingerly in my hands, the ring was also engraved with the words I love you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Everyone consoled me and it only suffocated me more than ever. I just wanted to be alone and have time to think by myself. But if I’ll be alone, it would be much worse. We then went to the cemetery. As soon as his parents saw me, they welcomed me like I was a long lost daughter. I cried harder than ever. Dami-unnie kept telling me how much she missed me, that it was bad enough they lost Jiyong and that I didn’t even show myself to them. I felt guilty. I swore to them that I would visit them, and I will.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Once again, I was the last one to be in Jiyong’s grave.

 

 

 

 

 

Fate can be a real sometimes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Ji, you are the most special person I have ever met. I hate you for leaving me so early, I wish to grow old with you. I love you Ji. Ji, thank you for being with me, thank you for loving me. I wish on our next life . . . we would meet and fall in love all over again.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

The gentle breeze enveloped me. And for a short time, I knew I felt his presence. I walked away from his grave wearing the ring he planned to give me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He would always be the only man that ever touched my heart. 

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