“I love you in this way”

 

It’s her smile, I decide.

I had lost count of the number of times people had asked me what I loved so much about her. There is too much to list, I would always say, but each time I would contemplate to myself what was the one thing most alluring about her.

The way her soft cherry lips would curl up at absolutely everything and anything. How her tinkling laughter could brighten up the most tedious or tense atmospheres. How her eyes curve to form beautiful crescents. How her dimples make her youthful face appear sweeter than ever.

I never see that smile anymore. Not once in the past four years.

Her lips are now stubbornly set into an upset frown, her eyes forever reflecting the grief she refuses to convey in words, yet she still glows in my eyes. She calls my name listlessly, yet I am still willing to respond.

They say I’m crazily in love. I couldn’t agree more.

Picking up the tray, I make my way up to our room; to tell her of my revelation, to maybe spark her interest so she could maybe respond to my words. It gets harder each day, I realise.

Like every other day, she is seated on the window sill, the heavy curtains preventing any light from invading the comforting darkness of the room. She hugs her legs close to her body as she stares at her white dress blankly. Her silky black hair covers most of her face, allowing only the tip of her nose to be seen. Placing the tray down, I begin my prepared speech on the beauty of her smile.

“I love you,” I finish, as always, standing up to leave. She remains impassive, as if my words had never left my mouth.

“Why?” She faintly croaked, clearly the first time she had used her voice in a while. I turn on my heels immediately and smile brightly, my grin only growing wider as I approach her for the second time that day.

“Too many reasons,” I say, “too much.”

 

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where

She never tried to fit into any groups. She laughed at what she thought was funny, argued at what felt demeaning and spoke anything to anyone she pleased.

Park Eunmi was just that type of girl.

And she was only five.

I was only six when I first met her at the neighbourhood park. My bowtie was crooked, my shorts stained with dirt and my face a crying mess. I sat on the swing, half wailing half sobbing, until I noticed a pair of doe eyes staring at me. I stared at her warily.

“I’m not a bully, you know,” she stated matter-of-factly, scratching her cheek with her muddy hands and wrinkling her nose. She held out her hand and told me her name. And at that very moment, I knew we would be very good friends.

I later found out we were enrolled into the same primary school. Although I was the year above, we would sit together at lunch and partner up if ever there were school activities. The little boys in my class called me names for befriending a younger person, especially a girl. They didn’t stop until Eunmi decided to land her small little foot into the boys’ stomach.

Middle school was when I started feeling different. The most obvious was my height. It felt strange looking down on everybody since I was so accustomed to looking up my entire childhood. And apparently so did my face, since the girls enjoyed herding around me every morning with sweets and confessions. But I stayed loyal to my Eunmi.

She had grown up prettily, her free spirit and fresh face making her the subject of envy amongst the girls and flirt target amongst the boys. The school had basically labelled us as a couple, and while Eunmi laughed it off, I was secretly happy. I also noted how over the years, our lunch topics had drifted away from toys and cartoons to first loves and first kisses. She would joke about the many choices I had lined up for me, but I'd never comment on her group of admirers.

I didn’t realise until high school that the discomfort I felt when I saw the puppy-like behaviour of the boys around her was jealousy. I was enraged each time any guy stare at her even a second longer than necessary, lived at the sight of gifts in her hand and flustered by her womanly… features I hadn’t noticed before.

It wasn’t until the biology teacher made us watch a video on human relationships combined with sultry gazes from the entire female population (minus Eunmi) in the classroom that I realised I had perhaps developed a crush on my best friend.

“I like you so let’s date,” I blurted one Saturday during one of our ‘hang outs’. Seeing her choke on her chai latte and gaping like a fish on land with a red face and open mouth, I cursed myself for being so blunt. “…. We can start slow?” I tried to save it.

The awkward silence which lingered was excruciatingly long. “Sure,” she mumbled softly. “We can try... slowly."

Senior year marked the unofficial start of our relationship.

 

I love you simply, without problems or pride

“The guy’s a freak. She only got with him for his pretty face,” Pyo Jaehyun sneered to his friends. “Of course I’m hotter.”

The leader of the school’s basketball team, Pyo Jaehyun, had his eyes set on Eunmi for a while now. I was aware, of course, but decided to test my temper with this fine opportunity, so let his potato head remain bruise-free.

Clever of him to not act on his words, though. Since that fateful day of Eunmi’s indirect acceptance of my love, I had taken my protectiveness to a whole new level. Any male who dared approach her for any reason not school related would see his locker broken or his bag missing. If necessary, a black eye or busted lip was possible too. Eunmi of course didn't need to know this. She would just call me petty, and end this, just as easy as she had started it.

Our dates were too casual for my liking. While I look at her every move with adoration, she would laugh and joke around like she did with any guy back in middle school. We would only ever go to libraries and arcades, to study hard and later play hard.

But while the dates remained friendly, my love for her only grew as the days passed.  Everything was perfect. We had moved in together into one of my wealthy aunt's many properties which was closer to our school. Our relationship was strong, and we didn't have a single fight or quarrel.  I memorised every single one of her angelic features and each habit she had developed over the years.

It was one fateful day when Jaehyun decided to make his move. He came to us, alone, and sat down beside Eunmi casually as if we had been the tighest trio since birth. He turns and meets my gaze. As if sizing me up, he eyes me with distaste and jealousy. He turns to sweetly smile at a baffled Eunmi and chatted about Chemistry, a subject he clearly knew I didn't do. If I was seething before, I was fuming when he asked to tutor her privately in a library I had never heard of for the darn science subject.

My dear Eunmi didn't reject the idea, so I had no choice but to follow her. When I saw them comparing notes and sharing answers, I forced my jealousy to stay put, keeping quiet with an encyclopedia in the darkest corner of the library. My theory that Jaehyun was a bastard through and through was proved right when he secretly switched the drinks on the table, and watched in glee as Eunmi grabbed the wrong bottle and took a huge gulp of the liquid inside. Seeing no one in the same section as them, he pulled her up and dragged the unconcious her in between the shelves.

Enraged, I bolted towards them, landing my fist into his cheek instantly. 

“Where did that thing touch you?"I snarled, ignoring the groaning lump beneath me.

"No where... I'm fine." Eunmi, half conscious and shaken, replied - or tried to - cooly.

I shake my head in disbelief at her stubborness to keep a cool front.  I kissed her cheek and told her to return home first.

And somehow I ended up returning to the library gripping onto a pill box and rope, marching towards Jaehyun, who was sneaking out discreetly.

***

As I turn onto the familiar footpath, I begin shaking. I imagine the worst; Eunmi’s horrified face at my inhumane actions. No, she won't know. And it will be just him. He deserved it anyways. I feel a heated gaze from above. I look up at Eunmi peeking out cautiously from behind the curtains, allowing only her eyes and nose to be exposed. I smile and wave single-handedly, the other hidden in my pockets with the container. 

 

I love you in this way because I don’t know any other way of loving but this

“Happy birthday, Eunmi,” I whispered into her ears, arms coiled around her protectively. Our new couple bracelets shined brilliantly under the moonlight.

She shivers under my touch. I quickly retract my hands, muttering apologies. Reaching for the nearest article of warmth, my hands land on a blanket. I look to see that it was the very blanket I had gifted her on her 10^th birthday. Back when we were just friends.

My eyes harden at the sight of it.

“Why are you still trapped in the past?” I demanded irritably. “We had nothing, Eunmi. We were nothing.”

“CHANYEOL!” she yelled between sobs, knuckles turning white as she clenched them tightly.

I hadn’t even realised she had started crying. Startled, I automatically gather her in my arms and my eyes widen in worry. I rocked us back and force, a little too fast to comfort, but I was on edge and couldn’t slow down. My Eunmi was crying. Because of me.

“What…. What have you become?” She whispers brokenly.

“A better Chanyeol.”

I grow livid when she doesn’t reply. “Are you not happy with the life I provide you with? Didn’t you always want to have a loyal lover? You got me. Would you rather return to the times when we were just…” I could barely whisper the next word, “…friends?”

“I am everything a girl could dream of as a lover; caring, protective, responsible and faithful. I provide you with shelter, food and love… I know you better than you know yourself and I have devoted my life to loving you. We had come so far as a couple, and cleared away those who dared oppress us. At our high school graduation, I promised you wouldn’t have to work a single day as long as I was by your side. And you received nothing less,” I gestured to the grand master bedroom she resided in.  

“I – ” She begins.

“Sweet dreams,” I say. She knows the conversation ends here and lies down with a sad sigh. With a clenched jaw, I try hard to not bang the door on my way out. The click of the lock calms me down. I try turning the knob, just in case. Wouldn’t want little Eunmi escaping the safety of her room, would I. 

 

So intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand

“This is why I love you. And I have been showing you for the past six years,” I whisper tenderly, cradling her face in my palm and holding her hand with the other. “Yet, you keep pushing me away.”

Her body was rigid but her eyes glares at me accusingly. "Oh my gosh... Pyo Jaehyun's sudden disappearence was your doing... you.. you... murderer... and this is what you call.. protection?!"

“It’s not love anymore, Yeol,” her now teary eyes pierce right into mine. “It’s obsession.”

She still doesn’t get it. I drop her face harshly, seizing both her hands with mine. She winced at the pressure but I had no intentions of letting go.  My large hands almost crush her delicate ones but guilt was the least of my worries. Every inch of my body was feeling the blow of betrayal.

“After all I have done for you… you call this obsession?”

“This…This is a p-prison…” she stutters softly. “I just want to go out…” She looks down, afraid of my reaction.

“You want to leave,” I repeat indifferently. “You want to leave ME.”

Seeing the murderous glint in my eyes, she shakily denies. “No, no… I meant the house, Chanyeol, not you…”

Slowly, I shake my head. “No.” I state firmly. I stand up, so sudden she lost her balance and toppled onto the floor. I was in such a hurry I didn’t even spare her a glance.

“No… no… no,” I mumble absentmindedly as I make my way to the study, after locking the door, of course. My quivering fingers fumbled with the keys to the dusty cabinet. Relief washes through me when I see it.

This is only one way, Eunmi. Please forgive me. I know you will, though.

Because you love me.

 

So intimate that when I fall asleep, your eyes close.

“I’m tired, Eunmi,” I chuckle humourlessly. “Aren’t you?”

She shook her head fiercely, her eyes widening in terror. She looks like a scared little child on Halloween night, I notice. It was ironic, for her chapped lips, deep eye bags and overall pale sickly complexion was enough to rival a ghost.

She brought this on herself. If only she learnt how to accept our love properly she would be as healthy as a sacrificial lamb. I almost felt pity for her.

Almost, for I know how to fix her. She needs sleep, we both need sleep.

We shall sleep, and later wake up, to our very own paradise, where we can be together for eternity; a place far away from the devious people threatening to tear us apart, when we are clearly in love.

With renewed determination, I reach out for her. “Let’s go to sleep,” I whisper hypnotically.

Her trembling legs make a run for the locked door. I watch her lazily, gently tossing and catching the round pill container which I had thankfullly kept over the years. I smile at the outcome; seems like Pyo Jaehyun wasn’t the only one after all.

“Seems like you can’t sleep,” I chuckle darkly. “Don’t worry, Yeol oppa can help.”

Eunmi screams “help” hysterically, her already raw fists banging the soundproof door. Her eyes held hope, for they remained dry despite her situation. Drained, she slithers down the door, but her fists still pound with determination. I almost let out a snicker. Such a naïve girl. The nearest ‘neighbours’ were at least a mile away.

“When have you ever seen people when you look out the window, Eunmi-ah?” I ask mockingly. “The town is ours, and had been for four years now.”

This hits her hard. She emits a small gasp of disbelief, mentally putting piece and piece together; the reason the house had everything… but television, newspaper, internet and telephone. Her eyes water instantly, the first tear was closely followed by another, and within ten seconds she had transformed into a bawling mess, crumpled on the floor.

Never in my life had I seen Park Eunmi so frightened. Her bloodshot eyes snapped open to glare at me spitefully. I could only smile, opening my palms to reveal two pills, our last couple item.

I couldn’t help but feel pride at my speed. One moment she was struggling to keep sealed, a second later she lay defeated on the carpet beside me. A final whimper escapes her lips as she shuts her eyes.

A content sigh escapes my lips as I her serene face with trembling hands.

“I love you…. forever, my love."

 

Author's note 

Wow. this is the first time I've written something like this. I had never written romance before. And my first time had such a dark end LOLOL. Still feeling quite accomplished, even though it felt a bit rushed. And if anyone was confused, the middle section was in the POV of Chanyeol as he was having a flashback of their history. At the same time, though, he was telling her a similar story (not with the 'she' because well, that would be weird). Just decided I didn't want a"CHANYEOL FLASHBACK/STORYTELLING" subtitle coz it'd be so out of place lmao.

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