✽

The sun was shining bright above the earth and a light breeze of air was blowing. The bus stopped and a young woman dressed in white got off. She had long blonde hair and warm brown eyes. She looked around her confused and placed her suitcase on the floor. She searched her pocket and found a piece of paper. She read it, her lips forming the words silently and searched for the part with the directions. When she read them again she used her hand as a shield from the sun and squinted her eyes in search of the sea. As her eyes were travelling along the rooftops of the houses in front of her she spotted the hint of blue she was looking for.

She lifted her suitcase again and she quickly made her way to the beach. As she was walking through the small sea-side town she made sure to take note of her surroundings in order to find her way around in the future. The temperature was pretty low despite the beautiful sunshine and the cold wind felt like small needles against her face. She used her scarf to cover and nose and opened her steps. The faster she got to that apartment the faster she would find shelter.

Five minutes later she was walking down the seaside road. She was getting tired and her luggage felt heavier than before but she just kept on going. Just 5 more minutes, just 5 more minutes, she chanted inside her head. And then, finally, in front of her she saw the building she was looking for – an old, large building made out of red bricks that had definitely seen better days.

Her new home.

She had been there before and she had spent a lot of time decorating her new apartment to make it feel as comfortable as possible. But still… standing out there with the cold wind to her face and the warmth of the sun in her back… it didn’t feel like home.

Jessica grabbed her suitcase with a sigh and rushed to the inside of the building, relieved once again that it had an elevator. While waiting for the elevator to reach the last floor, the attic, she unwrapped the scarf from around her neck taking deep breaths to prepare for her new life.

The elevator came to a slow stop with a cheerful ding and Jessica lifted her suitcase once again towards the only door in the corridor that appeared behind the elevator’s door. She inserted the key in the lock and turned it with shaky hands. It opened without any problems. She took a hesitant step in and placed her suitcase next to the door taking in the view.

It was a small apartment. Four rooms in total, divided to two floors to take advantage of all the space the high roof had to offer. The first floor had a small entrance hall with a narrow door that led to the biggest room in the apartment. That room was a living room, a kitchen and dining room at the same time, while the stairs across from the door led to the second floor, where her bedroom and the bathroom where.

The house was cold but turning on the heat would fix that in a short while.

She threw her scarf, her coat and her gloves to the small pink chair next to the door, which she had bought exactly for that reason, took her boots off and carried her suitcase to the bedroom.

When she finally made it to the second floor, she noticed with pleasure that the sun coming through the big windows had kept this room warmer than the one downstairs. Jessica walked further into the room to place the suitcase on top of the bed as she took in the sight in front of her. At first, when she had heard attic she had thought of a dark shady place and immediately regretted coming here but she had managed to turn the room into a bright bedroom with a large double-bed and a wide window right across from the door that let plenty of sunlight in. To her delight there were two more doors in the room, one of them leading to a small bathroom and the other in a closet.

She closed the door behind her even though she was alone in the apartment. She laid on her bed, next to her suitcase, burying her face in the soft pillow. Could she really do this? She had already started regretting this.

She lifted her right hand, bringing her wrist closer to her face to examine the handmade bracelet decorating it. It wasn’t anything fancy or complicated to make. Only two strings, one white and one red, braided together. But it was important to her.

She covered Jessica’s eyes with her hand laughing light-heartedly. Jessica could feel the other’s red hair brush against her skin as Tiffany leaned closer to whisper to her ear to be patient.

Jessica laughed. “What is it already?”

“It’s a surprise, you’ll see.”

“Come on tell me!”

Tiffany’s only answer was a chuckle. She urged her to take a few steps forward, towards the direction that Jessica knew her desk was.

“Ta-dah!” Tiffany chanted finally releasing the blonde. Jessica looked at the red and white strings resting on the desk questioningly.

She sighed and let her hand fall down on the mattress again. Did she really want to think of that again? She was supposed to be moving forward.

Then why are you still wearing it? a small voice asked in her head.

She rolled to her side bringing her knees close to her stomach. Every beginning is hard, the soft voice reminded her.

But this was supposed to be the end… Jessica thought.

 ✽

The blonde rushed through the corridors of the university with her program in hand. Now what was her next class again? Biology? Or maybe physiology, she couldn’t make any sense out of all the small black letters that seemed to dance on the paper in front of her.

She was still wondering how the rest of the students made any sense of this when she crashed on somebody. All the papers she had in her hands and all the books the other was carrying fell to the floor but for a brief moment, Jessica stayed frozen in place. It was the same colour. Could it be? No, there was no way. But her hair…

The other girl tossed her hair from her face, releasing a sigh. She pouted with her eyes fixed to the books.

And Jessica could breathe again. Yes, the haircolour was the same but everything else was completely different. It wasn’t her.

“Why did you dye you hair?”

“I’m sorry, I should have been more careful,” the red-haired girl said but there was slight annoyance laced in her words.

Jessica still felt her heart beating fast. She should have known better.

“I dyed it because I don’t like black hair anymore.”

Jessica just stood there watching the other girl gathering her stuff quickly. She made no move to help her. She made no move to pick up her own stuff either.

“Why blonde?”

“I like blonde, it’s a bright colour. I want to be a brighter person as well.”

She couldn’t really understand her feelings. Everything was messed up. She just wanted to forget but everything reminded her of what she had lost forever.

The other girl got up and quickly got away, murmuring something that resembled a goodbye.

At last Jessica knelt to the ground and gathered the papers slowly. They felt heavier than they should. Or maybe her heart was heavier.

“Then I’ll change mine too. I want to dye my hair red.”

Tears threatened to spill at any minute. But she was sure she had no more tears to shed. A couple of the other students eyed her but she paid no attention to them. At that moment she was lonelier than she had ever been. She got up alone and walked away. It didn’t matter what was her next lesson because she wasn’t feeling like attending anymore.

“Why red?”

 “Because red is y!”

Jessica rolled her eyes.

And so Jessica walked back towards her house, alone in the crowd.

 ✽

“Jessica! Come on, hurry up!”

Jessica lifted her head from her book to look at Sooyoung. She smiled at the tall girl and rose from her seat to follow her to the cafeteria. After spending a whole week alone, having a friend made the world a little bit brighter. Sooyoung was as cheerful as always, chatting along happily with no care in the world. Jessica answered her from time to time, happy to keep her mind occupied with something else, anything else.

“….and be sure to come tonight. Don’t cancel at the last minute again.”

Jessica furrowed her brows. “Tonight? What’s tonight?”

Sooyoung rolled her eyes. “We are going out for pizza! Remember? Key invited us.”

“Right, right. Sorry, it totally slipped my mind. I’ll be there, promise.”

Sooyoung eyed her suspiciously. “I’ll come and pick you up just to be on the safe side, okay?”

Jessica smiled, losing herself in Sooyoung’s blissful world where everything was made out of cotton candy and the biggest disaster was missing out on an opportunity to hang out with friends. “Suit yourself.”

Sooyoung rummaged through her bag for a large sandwich. “I have two with me, want one?” she asked pointing the sandwich towards Jessica.

She shook her head. “I have a toast with me.”

“You should eat more.”

“I don’t have your metabolism,” Jessica pointed out, joining her friend on the table she had just thrown her bag on.

“And that’s pretty much all I know about you,” Sooyoung said biting into the sandwich.

Jessica shrugged her shoulders, inviting her to ask whatever she wanted.

“Okay, let’s start from a basic question… Do you have any siblings?”

Jessica felt her heart skip a beat. Of course that question would come up first. She knew this was coming so why was she so unprepared?

“I have- had… I had a sister,” she said in a low voice.

Sooyoung raised her brows instead of a question, seeing as she was too busy chewing to speak.

“She died. A few months ago.”

Silence was heavy between them. Sooyoung swallowed slowly with her eyes fixed on the sandwich.

“Jessica, you are my favourite sister. You know that right?”

“I’m your only sister, silly.”

Jessica had lowered her eyes so that the only thing she could see was her hands on the table. Then a set of pale hands came into view and she felt Sooyoung’s warm skin against hers as she gave Jessica a light squeeze.

“So, what time should I come pick you up tonight?”

Jessica lifted her face to look at her friend’s compassionate eyes. It was an awkward attempt of changing the subject. But Jessica still felt more grateful than ever.

That same night Jessica and Sooyoung found themselves laughing with a group of students while standing in front of the pizzeria. They knew Key, Sooyoung had met him the first day she had arrived in town, but the rest they met for the first time. A couple of them were pharmacy students, like Sooyoung and Jessica, some of them were medicine students and there were a couple that where studying to become vets.

“It’s pretty chilly out here,” Sooyoung observed. “Why don’t we go inside?”

The tall boy with the cat-like features turned with an apologetic smile to her.  “We are still waiting for Jonghyun,” Key said.

Jessica leaned closer to Sooyoung to whisper. “Who’s Jonghyun?”

“No idea.”

It wasn’t until fifteen minutes later that the one called Jonghyun showed up.

“Oh, so you decided to honour us with your presence?” Key asked him sarcastically. The tanned boy shrugged his shoulders. He gave the rest of the students a toothy smile in apology and followed his friend that was still complaining inside the restaurant.

While Key was busy talking with one of the employees about their reservation, Jonghyun turned towards Sooyoung and Jessica. “Still haven’t introduced myself. I’ll begin with the ladies.” He extended his hand towards Sooyoung. “I’m Jonghyun.”

Sooyoung shook his hand with a warm smile. “My name is Sooyoung and this is my friend Jessica.”

Jonghyun turned towards her and Jessica gave him her hand. His skin felt hot against hers. She raised her eyes to meet his. Despite being rather short for a man he was quite muscular, and obviously proud of his body, judging from the fact that he was walking around in a plane T-shirt in the cold. His hair was falling in front of his eyebrows, framing his face and making his chocolate brown eyes seem bigger than what they were. The world freezed for a moment. Jonghyun’s firm grip was the only thing she could feel, steadying her, protecting her.

And then the magic was gone. Jonghyun moved on to the next person. Sooyoung didn’t seem to notice anything as she grabbed Jessica from her wrist and dragged her towards the table.

“Gosh, I’m so hungry! Which pizza should I get?”

Jessica sank in her seat, still trying to calm her heart down, as everyone else fussed over their orders.

The evening went by very quickly as everyone joked around and imitated their new professors. Among all the laughter and the loud voices, Jessica found herself concentrating only on one person; one person that was so preoccupied with telling a story about an anatomy teacher who only spoke to them in Italian that hadn’t looked towards her at all.

Sooyoung next to her was laughing at a joke a girl had just told her and was holding her stomach with tears in her eyes. She was too busy to notice that Jessica hadn’t spoken a word all night.

If only the night could last longer.

But nothing good does. And once again Jessica returned to her small apartment alone. She threw her shoes next to the door and fell face first on the couch. She should have been happy, happy enough to dance all night.

“So tell me… is there anybody you like?”

“No.”

“Come on, you can tell you sister. There’s got to be someone.”

“I’m sorry Tif. Really, there’s no one.”

“But I’ll be the first you come to when there is, right?”

“I promise.”

So why was she feeling guilty?

 ✽

The first month ended before Jessica had even realized it had begun. Between classes and studying, she and Sooyoung barely had any time for hanging out with friends. Still that didn’t mean they weren’t meeting up with them as often as possible.

Key had turned out to be a very fun and sociable person who loved gathering everyone together. Of course that meant that Jessica could see Jonghyun more often. If only she could master the courage to talk to him as well.

Why did she feel like this? Shouldn’t she be excited? So why was she more depressed than ever? Why did she feel she didn’t deserve this? She didn’t deserve a dream that wasn’t hers, she didn’t deserve all these friends and she definitely didn’t deserve such a sweet guy like Jonghyun.

She played with the bracelet on her wrist. She had been wearing it for a little bit more than a year. The thread was rough after all those months but it still held on. The slight itch that it caused now was a familiar feeling. It made her feel at peace. Like Tiffany was still there.

 ✽

Jessica sat on her couch and opened her laptop. Once it had loaded she immediately opened Skype. Her parents were online.

“Hello, honey. How are you today?” her mother asked waving at her through the screen.

Jessica brought her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. “I’m hanging in there. How about you?”

“The same,” her father answered with a forced smile. “Are you having a good time?”

Jessica opened to speak but the words choked in . Her mother looked like she had been crying and her father was so tired that he looked several years older. She noticed that the room they were in was dark, except for a lamp next to their computer.

“It’s hard,” she admitted.

Her mother nodded. “It’s hard for everyone sweetie.”

Her father sniffled and brought his palm to his eyes to wipe a couple of tears away.

“Dad…”

“We miss you… we miss both of you.”

“I miss you too,” Jessica managed to say in a weak voice. “And I miss her.”

 ✽

She was still awake despite having gone to bed for an hour already. Jessica stared at the ceiling even though her eyes could make nothing out in the darkness.

“What do you want to study?”

“I don’t know, haven’t thought about it yet.”

“Eh? But this is your last year of high school.”

“Tiffany, it’s not the end of the world.”

“I wanna be a pharmacist. How about you?”

“I already answered that question.”

“Everybody has a dream.”

“Well then my dream is to see you become a pharmacist.”

She closed her eyes feeling the hot tears rolling down her cheeks and on her pillow. Sometimes she thought she could still smell her scent. Sometimes, when she was about to fall asleep, she thought that the sheets smelled like Tiffany’s perfume. But it was gone by the time she woke up. And she was again left with only an old bracelet made out of white and red thread.

This wasn’t her life. This wasn’t her dream. But she had to keep going, she had to do this. For Tiffany.

 ✽

The weather was getting warmer and the days bigger. Jessica relaxed on the comfortable couch next to Sooyoung. The others were as noisy as ever, talking all together and in smaller groups at the same time, laughing loudly and singing from time to time.

The cafeteria they were in was one of their favourites. Not very small, but not very big either, with white wooden tables with flowers on them, big soft couches and small white chairs, various wines decorating the shelves on the walls and paintings depicting famous movie stars. It overlooked a park which was beautiful to gaze at when covered in snow during winter and also in the spring when all the flowers bloomed.  Not to mention that their cappuccino was amazing.

She was sure that Tiffany would have loved this cafeteria. She would have spent hours and hours here looking outside the window, sometimes with friends, sometimes by herself.

Instead Jessica was sitting there enjoying the warm cup of coffee. She brought it to her lips trying to cover the bittersweet taste of memories and dreams. She sighed and let her eyes follow a couple of kids playing outside.

She felt his breath on her shoulder before he had spoken. “Are you okay?”

She turned and her eyes met Jonghyun’s. She quickly looked away. “Yeah, just thinking.”

“About what?”

She shrugged her shoulders. “Stuff.”

He placed his chin on her shoulder and for a couple of seconds they were both staring outside. Or at least Jonghyun was, because from the corner of her eye, Jessica observed his handsome features for the hundredth time that day. He was humming a slow tune, she thought she might have heard it before but she couldn’t remember exactly where.

Her heart was beating faster. I hope he doesn’t notice. She could feel her whole face burn and her body shiver under his touch. Could this moment last forever? Maybe if she closed her eyes and wished with all her heart. But before she could do it, Key tapped Jonghyun’s shoulder and dragged him back to the conversation.

Jessica looked away so no one would notice her disappointment. For how long could she keep her eyes off of him? Not more than ten seconds. She stole a glance at him through her eyelids and he was looking at her.

Did time freeze again? All the noise and the sounds stopped existing. He was looking at her, only her.

Thump

Thump

Her heart sounded too loud in her ears. Jessica was sure that this time he could hear it too. Even though he was so far away and there were so many people around them Jessica was sure that Jonghyun could hear it as well, the song her heart sang every time he was close. She was the one to break this magical connection. There was so much she could handle in a single day.

A small shadow of guilt rushed through her again. She shouldn’t be there.

 ✽

“A party?” Jessica asked raising her eyebrows.

Sooyoung nodded with excitement. “Finals are only a month away. This is the last chance to do it.”

The tall beauty went on and on about trivial details, about music and food and drinks and who should be invited. Too much information for Jessica to understand in one go. But she did catch the most important.

“…and of course Key and Jonghyun have to come, I’ll call them as soon as I get home…”

Jessica smiled from ear to ear. Her mind was already lost in the daydreaming that had become her everyday reality lately. She nodded and answered with short sentences whenever Sooyoung asked for her opinion but truthfully she wasn’t listening anymore. There were too many things she had to think about.

Jessica stood in front of her mirror in only her underwear. Sooyoung had said to wear casual clothes. After all it was just a house party, but still the decision was hard. High heels made legs look great but she didn’t want to be the only one wearing them.  Skirts were cute but she looked better with jeans. What should she wear?

Her cellphone vibrated in her bag. She apologized to her friend and took it out. It was Tiffany of course. “Hey, what’s up?”

“Jessica, come back! Now!”

“Tiffany? What’s wrong?”

Her sister’s voice reached her ears urgent and desperate. “Just hurry up! Please!”

Jessica looked at her phone. “I’m sorry I have to go,” she said to her friend with a rushed smile, left some money for her coffee on the table and took off as quickly as she could.

She opened the door, throwing her bag and her coat on the floor, then running upstairs.

“Tiffany?”

“In here!”

Jessica followed her sister’s melodic voice to her bedroom. The beautiful redhead was sitting on the floor next to a pile of clothes. Jeans and shirts and dresses and shoes were thrown all over the floor.

“What the…?”

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to wear? What if he doesn’t like it?”

Jessica took a second to completely understand what was going on. And then she chuckled. “You are beautiful. No matter what you wear he will love it.”

“Well what if he doesn’t? Come on, Sica, pick out an outfit for me. You are better with matching clothes than I am.”

Jessica laughed again, taking off her shoes and gathering her hair in a tight bun. “How about we clean up first?”

Tiffany’s cute eye smile was the only answer she needed.

Jessica smiled softly feeling tears gathering in her eyes. She passed her fingers over the bracelet absentmindedly. She was supposed to be the one who was good with matching outfits, but only because she had such a perfect model to try them on for her.

Enough with crying, a small voice said in her head. You have to get ready for a party.

Jessica shook her head to chase the memories away. This was her night. She was only asking for one night.

“The party is a huge success!” Sooyoung yelled next to her ear three hours later to be heard above the music.

Jessica smiled looking at all their friends dancing, singing and getting drunk. Her eyes followed Hyoyeon as she went from person to person whispering: “I’m drunk,” before stumbling away in a feat of laughter. Key was in the couch trying to have a conversation with one of his friends when Hyoyeon collapsed next to him and started bumping her head against his shoulder. Jessica chuckled.

“There’s the soul of the party!” A very drunk, but still very cute Jonghyun leaned on the wall next to her. Jessica turned to look at him. His face was flushed and he was grinning in a silly way.

“Have you been drinking?” she asked amused by the sight.

“I’m just a tiny bit tipsy,” he said bringing his thump and his finger together to show her how little he had drunk. “How about you?”

“I have to keep an eye on Sooyoung, if she keeps going like that she’ll be wasted in no time.”

Jonghyun laughed. “You are like Key. He is doing the same for me.”

Sooyoung turned abruptly towards the direction of the couch and crossed the space between her and Key with big steps. “Kim Kibum, you say you’ve been going to the gym lately, but where are your abs, huh?” she screamed at the top of her lungs causing the whole party to explode into laughter.

Jessica sighed. “And I think that’s my cue.” She smiled at Jonghyun once more and then made her way towards her friend, taking the glass of vodka she had in her hand away from her. “I think you had enough for tonight, why not sit down for a while?” Sooyoung nodded and fell next to Hyoyeon. The two rested their heads on each other and soon they were asleep.

Key observed them for a couple of seconds. “It’s already late. We should better go,” he announced and searched through the crowd for Jonghyun. “Jjong, get your coat, we are leaving.”

The shorter man pouted. “Already?”

Key snapped his fingers to make him hurry up. “If we stay more you’re going to sleep on the couch and I am not in the mood to carry you home.”

“Fine, I’ll go get ready.”

Jessica followed Key to the door reassuring him that she could take care of Sooyoung and Hyoyeon and that she would call him if anything happened. After all there were many guests left to help her if anything happened.

“Just tell Jonghyun I’ll be waiting for him downstairs.” Key waved goodbye and walked down the stairs.

Jessica felt someone wrapping his arms around her waist and then a sloppy kiss on her cheek. “I’ll see you later beautiful,” Jonghyun said and released her to follow his friend out the door.

She felt her stomach clench. Her heart stopped beating. She was left staring at a closed door with a stupid grin on her face. And she didn’t mind at all.

 ✽

Her phone rang again. Another message. She didn’t bother to even look at the screen. She didn’t want to talk to anybody. She didn’t want anybody to see her like this. This was her pain. This was her burden and she had to carry it alone. She cringed away from the phone wrapping her arms around her knees and burying her face between them.

Alone, she thought. I am alone.

She tried to push the memories away. She tried to push all the pain and all the tears away. And she failed miserably. It had been a year and the heartbreak felt the same. Like her world had been shuttered to pieces twelve seconds ago and not twelve months.

It was like she was dreaming. She was walking behind her parents but she couldn’t feel the ground beneath her legs. Her father had to support her mother but his face was swollen from the tears too.

Was she crying too? If she was then she couldn’t feel the tears rolling down her cheeks.

So many people, so many hugs, but no one could really understand.

A rose blooms for no more than a week. It’s there for seven days, giving everyone the beauty of its plush petals and its magical aroma. And then it’s gone. It wilts away and then it’s forgotten, like it never existed, like nobody ever stopped to smell it or like nobody ever turned to stare at it.

She was gone too. Tiffany was gone too. Her beautiful eyes were staring at the ceiling without seeing it, her hair were framing her face so perfectly, like rose petals hugging the stem; rose petals covered in blood.

She had run to her. Jessica had rushed to her side before she had touched the floor.

But she had just slipped, she had just slipped. Why?

She pressed her forehead on her arms feeling the hot tears burning her skin. Why? Why?

When her phone’s screen light up again to inform her that she had received another message, Jessica wondered how long she had been sitting there. Judging from the amount of texts and missed calls, probably a few hours.

It was okay. She could explain everything the next day. She could smile and say she had fallen asleep, that she hadn’t heard her phone. She could lie her way through this.

She spread her feet on the soft mattress of the bed. The tears were slowing down. Her breath was calmer.  She closed her eyes and rested her head on the wall behind her. If she had managed to survive this long then she could manage to survive for another day.

A loud noise was heard from downstairs. Her eyes fluttered open in surprise. Someone was knocking the door. No, actually someone was trying to break down the door. She got up and slowly moved to the hall, where she stared at the door, not sure whether she wanted to open it.

“Jung Jessica, are you in there?”

No, she definitely didn’t want to open the door. Her whole body ached when she thought about touching him again, the thought of seeing him made her stomach jump with excitement but she didn’t want to open the door. She wasn’t going to open the door and let him see her like that, even if Kim Jonghyun kept knocking her door all night long.

“If you are, you better open unless you want me to break your door.”

Jessica shook her head. She knew he couldn’t see her. Maybe if she kept quiet he would go away.

“If that’s how you want to be,” Jonghyun exclaimed from the other side of the door. “I’m going to count to three.”

He is not going to do it.

“Three…”

There is no way he is going to do it.

“Two…”

I’ll just wait until he leaves.

“One…”

See, he didn’t-

Jessica heard a loud bang as Jonghyun fell on the door for the first time. Oh my God, he is serious.

“Three…” Jonghyun’s voice was heard counting down again.

“Okay, fine I’ll open,” Jessica yelled scared of him getting hurt. “Just give me a second.” She rushed to the kitchen and threw some water to her face. It didn’t do much to cover up the signs of her crying but it was better than nothing.

She opened the door only a couple of centimeters and peeked outside. She could only see half of him but she could tell that he was angry and worried. His face had turned bright red from all the yelling and hitting the door. She wasn’t sure if she could trust her voice but she had to say something.

“Aren’t you going to let me in?” Jonghyun asked making a considerable effort to keep his voice calm.

Jessica wanted to say no, she wanted to close the door and hide in her bed pretending this was a nightmare. But she wanted him more.

She opened the door slowly and took a step to the side to let him come inside. She kept her face low, trying to hide her red nose and her puffy eyes. That’s why she didn’t see him coming closer and she didn’t realize what he was about to do before she felt his arms around her.

“I was worried about you,” he whispered next to her ears.

That was too much for her. She couldn’t keep it up any longer. She crushed herself against him, burying her face in his neck and started crying again. He didn’t ask any questions. He didn’t even bother closing the door that was left open. He just stood there holding her, caressing her hair.

Among all the tears and the sniffles Jessica started feeling a little calmer. For the first time in months she felt like she was standing firmly on the ground. She felt that she could stop pretending that she was strong. She could lean on him for support. Maybe he didn’t know what was going on and maybe he wouldn’t understand if he knew but he was there. He was there holding her and whispering sweet nothings to her ear, promising that everything was going to be okay.

When was the last time she had cried in front of someone else? Except for the funeral, never. Her grip on his shirt relaxed.

Jonghyun grabbed her shoulders and made her stood in front of him. He was going to ask now, wasn’t he? She didn’t care. Before Jonghyun could form the first sentence Jessica leaned in and kissed him lightly on the right cheek. She pulled away for a second and then kissed him again on the left cheek.

Jonghyun looked at her confused.

Jessica leaned in one last time and planted a small, shy kiss on his lips.

 ✽

Jessica was standing in front of the medical university enjoying a scoop of ice cream. She had sat her last exam the previous day, but Jonghyun still had anatomy. She checked her watch. He would be coming out any moment now.

The warm breeze of June carried the voices of the students from the other side of the road to her. They were older students who had just finished with their exams and now they were on their way to celebrating.

The summer sun passing through the leaves of the trees made her a little bit sleepy. She checked her watch more out of habit rather than because she wanted to know the time. She closed her eyes humming a slow song under her breath. Her head shook from side to side to the rhythm.

“I love you as long as it’s a place where I can see you,

because you are my everything.

You are mine because you are you.”

Tiffany had always scolded her for listening to too many ballads. She use to say that they made her feel sad and teary but for Jessica every song and every carefully chosen word felt like a salvation, like all her feelings could be expressed by the sweet melody. It had been a while since she had sang a song herself. She had never found a song that could describe how much she loved her and there was no song that could ever describe all the pain that filled her chest for months.

But it didn’t matter anymore. Because now she understood her sister a little bit better. Tiffany didn’t like to think about anything that made her sad. No, she preferred to have a bright smile on her face, a smile that so many had adored, a smile that had crushed so many hearts when it faded away.

Jonghyun had told her it was a song about an unrequited love but she didn’t care. The lyrics matched all the sweet memories her sister had left behind and the desperation her absence was causing her. It made her feel better. So yes, to Jonghyun it might have been a song about an unrequited love but to her it was a goodbye.

“Through the pain, through the tears, I love you.”

She sang the last words slowly, letting them linger on her lips. With her eyes still closed she heard the happy voices of the two boys approaching. She turned to look at them with a smile as they patted each other on the backs and jumped around happily.

She raised her eyebrows and tilted her head a little bit to the side. “I take it you two passed your exams?”

Key and Jonghyun rushed to her still holding onto each other. “We didn’t just pass,” Jonghyun said.

“We nailed it!” Key announced dragging the last word out. “Let’s go out to celebrate, I’m buying.”

Jonghyun punched him playfully on the arm. “My girl, so I buy.”

Key rolled his eyes. “Look I’m not going to fight over this, I’m the one treating you guys today.” He pouted his lips and left without waiting for the other to follow, towards the direction of their favourite restaurant.

“Kim Kibum, come back here, don’t just make decisions like these on your own,” Jonghyun roared and rushed after him laughing. 

Jessica brought her palm to her face to cover her chuckle. She watched as the two boys wrestled and laughed with each other. She thought to herself how weird it was that people get attached to others so quickly.

She opened her bag and searched until she found what she was looking for, a white and a red thread breaded together. The threads had finally broken after almost a year and a half of wearing them. Jessica hadn’t seen any swallow, perhaps because for a long time she had forgotten what it was like to walk without looking at her feet, but maybe another bird would find this old bracelet and use it.

She carefully hung it from a tree branch, letting her fingers brush against it one last time. She closed her eyes and brought her palms together in a silent prayer. A prayer that her little sister was happy wherever she was and that she was keeping an eye on her, approving of her life and her choices.

She felt Jonghyun’s familiar embrace as he hugged her from behind. “What are you doing? Kay and I didn’t even realize you weren’t following us until a moment ago.”

She turned her head to stare at him. He knew most of the story but not all the details. It didn’t matter because he wouldn’t understand all of them anyway. He would never understand how Tiffany’s eyes shined when she saw a cute puppy, or how she loved to do small awkward dances when she thought no one was looking. But those were her own precious memories, all the little things that kept her sister alive in her heart.

“Just fulfilling a promise,” she said and kissed him on the cheek.

Jonghyun smiled and pulled away still keeping his arm over her shoulders. “Come on, I will never hear the end of it if we make Key wait more.”

Jessica opened her steps to match his quick pace. “Did you guys decide who is going to pay?”

“We were still arguing when Key said we should ask you. But you weren’t there. So I had to come back and find you,” Jonghyun answered. “When he asks you, you have to choose me, okay?”

She smiled wishing those days could last forever. Or at least those happy days would be more than the sadness she knew she couldn’t avoid. She looked at the sea as they walked on the seaside road. It was a lot calmer than when she first saw it. More inviting. Maybe she should suggest going to the beach one of these days.  Jonghyun squeezed her hand.

“Jessica?”

“Hmm?”

“I love you…”

“I love you too, Tiffany.”

 ✽

Written for frozen heart ↷ a writing contest. 

A story inspired by true events. Too bad my crush and I didn't have the same ending with Jessica and Jonghyun....