It's amazing to finally hear others' true thoughts about you when they think you've gone deaf. But I haven't, not really. I can hear everything. The beeping of a monitor, the birds talking to each other outside of my window, the way Sooyoung stomps on the tiles as she walks, the low humming of Taeyeon's voice when she's here, Sunny's normally obnoxious aegyo that I now find endearing, Seohyun's mumbles of various uplifting phrases, Hyoyeon's chortles when she puts in her two cents, Yoona and Yuri's sneaky whispers of their plans for their pranks, and Jessica. I hear her more clearly than any of the others, I pay attention to her soft, nasally, sweet voice more than the others'. They have all unveiled their deepest and darkest, pits in a black hole thoughts about me to me. 

 

 

 

I don't know what time it is anymore, but I think I have a pretty good idea. Sooyoung and Hyoyeon come in around lunch time, of course. Sunny and Taeyeon come bright and early in the morning, but they're not the first to arrive. Seohyun comes in between lunch and dinner and she reads to me. Yuri and Yoona swing by around dinner time, they're pretty busy these days, so they can't stay long. I appreciate that they make time nonetheless. Jessica, Jessica never leaves.

 

 

 She's the first person I hear in the morning. Jessica makes sure we have breakfast together, two eggs sunny side up, two slices of toast, and two coffees. One for her and one for me, like always. Even if I can't eat it, she'll always say, "Tiff, I know you can't. So, I'll eat it for you. Your black night!" It's cute when she says that, but I can hear the undertone of sadness. Jessica's soft singing is also the last sound I hear when before I drift to sleep. 

 

 

 

Sleep, now that's a trip. I do sleep, even though they all think I'm continuously sleeping. I like to think I fall asleep as I usually did, but I'm not sure because Jessica is still awake when I drift. She's always been quite the sleepy head, so I can't be sure about time. I still dream when I'm asleep. I always dreams along the same lines, Jessica. She is my motif. Since I've been here, I've never once failed to dream of her. My dreams are the only place I can see her beautiful long chestnut hair- has she changed it? My dreams are the only place I can feel her- has she really been eating well? Jessica's hugs have always been my favorite, though, I think it's just her in general. In my dreams, I would run to her and tackle her down to the ground like a defensive linebacker. Her arms would always be open, waiting happily for me. She'd wrap herself around me as we fell, laughing heartily. I'd always try to get us up, but she'd never let go, just constricting me tighter. Not that I minded, I purposely tried to get up so she would react like that. Even in my sleep, she's never away from me. I think she knows that I can still sleep because she always whispers to me, "Goodnight, my Tiffany. Sleep peacefully."

 

 

 

 

The thing is, I can't feel anything from anyone. I can't feel the nurse taking me for a sponge bath. I can't feel when Taeyeon is supposedly poking my face. I'm only aware of that when Sunny tells her to stop.  I'm not sure, but I think I can feel, like I'm not paralyzed. I just can't move. I feel Jessica brush the fringe off of my face in the morning. I can feel her hug me when she thinks I'm sleeping. I think I can only feel Jessica. In the beginning, I felt her tears drip on my face. 

 

 

 

 

Being here, unable to do anything but listen and sleep, I've had time to think. A lot of time to think, and I've thought a lot. I thought about what was happening out there while I was stuck here. Jessica tells me, gossiping like we used to, but it's not the same. I think about how my members are really doing. When they visit, they always reiterate that 'everything is fine. We're all good.' I know they're lying though, I've hear their corner whispers of how Taeyeon is having a hard time being solo, how people have stared more so than before at Yuri, Seohyun, Sooyoung, and Yoona now that they've become full time students, how Sunny is having a hard time adapting to the corporate life. 

 

 

I think about my family. How are they handling all of this. Even though its been a while, how are they doing? They've all visited me, but not regularly. I'm still in Korea. 

 

 

I think about Jessica mostly. How she looks. Does she have bags under her eyes from staying awake so often? Has she thinned from the stress? How her life would be if she wasn't here with me. Wouldn't she be happier? Freer? I think if she didn't spend so much time here by my side, her life would be better.

 

 

I think about how much of a burden I'm being for everyone. My family, my former members, especially Jessica. I've pondered the possibilities of just leaving. Just giving up. 

 

 

 

But I go against that thought every time I hear Jessica's voice, feel Jessica's ethereal touches. Just Jessica makes me rethink all the morbid thoughts. 

 

 

 

 

 

******

 

 

 

 

Something about today is different. I'm actually waking up after I've slept, like physically moving. I can't move much, but I have just enough strength in my reserves to rub my eyes to brush the sleep away. It's still night time, because the lights in my room are off and I have to blink a few times to make out the fuzzy shape of the tv mounted on the wall across my bed. I want to see more, so I press the call button for a nurse. Before I can look to my right, she comes in. She's freaked out, as she should be, I've been in a coma for God knows how long. 

 

 

The nurse flips on the lights and I hiss at the sudden change. I slowly open my eyes, shut them again, then open. I repeat that a few times until my eyes adjust. She calls a doctor in to check everything. He wheels me away almost as fast as Hermes delivering a message from Zeus. As I'm leaving my room, I see a orangey haired groggy petite woman sitting up in a chair where my bed is. She looks surprised, her eyes were spilling with tears. I don't want her to cry, I want to tell her that, but I'm on my way to a CT scan before the words can form in my obscenely dry throat. 

 

 

 

When I get back, the woman is still in her place, patiently waiting. I know this woman hates to wait, but it seems to be that I'm the exception. I've been checked up, proved and prodded, the doctor says bed rest. She stands up silently and looks at me, lovingly. She always looked at me like that in the past, and I'm overjoyed that it hasn't changed. We don't say a word, we never really needed to. 

 

 

I observe her as she observes me. She has indeed gotten skinnier, unhealthily skinny. Her buttery skin that was prone to becoming tanner than mine has turned a ghastly grey, like she hasn't been in the sun for days, months even. Her hair was a chestnut color the last I laid eyes on her. Now, it's an orangey brown. I like it. She looks cuter like that. She's wearing a pair of faded to grey black jeans and a Batman shirt. Only this lazy woman could make such an outfit look good. Her eyes, those endearing eyes have formed dark circles under them. She looks almost like a panda. Her beautiful doll-like face has aged a bit, not much, but enough that I could tell. The looks terrible, I've heard our friends say the same, but she still looks breath stealing-ly beautiful to me. She always has been. My Jessica. 

 

 

Jessica sat on my bed, facing me with her little legs dangling off the side and took my hand in hers. My muscle have atrophied, so that explains why I haven't been able to move normally. She uses her other hand to trace my face. I know what she's doing, making sure this isn't a dream. If I could, I'd lunge at her like I used to and kiss her fervently, to prove its not. Tears spill out of this tired eyes as she cups my face with her one hand and her other grips mine tighter. "Don't," I manage to say. My voice is huskies than its ever been, but it doesn't hurt. The sound of my voice seems to send her over the edge. She, roles switched, lunged at me and kissed me like we were teens again. 

 

 

It felt so right to have her lips on mine. At home. At home with her. I've always been the type to believe in those corny lines like, 'home is where the heart is.' My heart has been hers for so long, it's like she's the only home I've known. We pulled away and she climbs up to hold me. These are the arms I've missed so much. I turn in our embrace and nuzzle my face in her neck. Thank God for her scent not changing. She has always smelled like warm honey and spicy cinnamon. I inhale a big whiff and let out a contented sigh. I've missed this. 

 

 

Jessica lifted her hand to rid my face of tears. I didn't know I was crying. She sprinkled kisses all over my face. When she stopped, we stared at each other for the longest time. "I love you, Tiffany Hwang," she whispered in her nasally, cotton candy voice. 

 

"I love you too, Jessica Jung." 

 

 

We stared at each other again in silence until I fell asleep. I heard her mummer, "Don't leave me again." It honestly and wholeheartedly broke my heart to hear her say that. She sounded so relieved and broken at the same time. 

 

 

 

 

******

 

 

 

 

There's that saying that when you die, your life flashes before your eyes. That is as wrong as hairy fat men in speedos at the beach. When you die, you see nothing but black. It's after you've died where you do review your life. You're in this void of nothing but white, limbo is a colloquial way to call it. In that white space, your life plays out like a film movie in front of you. I died that night, in Jessica's arms. 

 

 

There's this phenomenon that has been to rumored with coma patients, where the patient has been in a coma for so long, but one day they wake up spontaneously. When they awake, they're in pristine health for a few hours to a day at most. Then, they start to circle the drain again, and eventually die soon after their energy has been spent. It's said that this is a patient's chance at goodbye. This happened to me. I just watched it. 

 

 

I don't know what happened to Jessi after I left, you're only allowed to see your own life. I'm sorry, Jessi. I've left you again, but I promise to be with you in the next life, and forever.