I have always loved you. I will always watch you from a far. I have always loved you since we met when you transfer to our high school this year. Though we just met this year but fell high over heels with you. You are just the one for me. You are the most charming guy I could ever meet. You are too hot to be true. You seem like the perfect man for me. The missing puzzle in me. Though we both men but I seem to fall in love with you.

You are the most amazing guy I ever met. You doe shaped eye, your plump pink lips and of course you breath taking gummy smile. I don’t really care about the body or face but it is a bonus that you have a 6 pack choco abs which make me blush in the shade of pink when I see them. We are the opposite but you never fail to impress me. You kind heart that really win my heart. Although you a sometime a brat but I know that you never meant any of them when you play prank on our friends. That’s why you are loved and must I say I loved you the most.
I could only love you from the sideline. I knew this is a one sided love from the beginning but you seems to give me hope when you tried to approach me. When you wanted to be closer with me. All the hope that we could be together seems to built bit by bit but soon I snapped to reality.

We are both men and we are not allowed to be in a relationships although we love each other so much. Well you seem only wants to be a close friend with me. Well I am actually a magnet that attracts both genders where they would stare at me. Being a shy one I never like being stared at. It gives me Goosebumps and a feeling that I should act cool al the time. I hate not to be my true self. People seem to adored me for my cuteness. I avoided you to prevent any heartbreak though my heart breaks a long time ago when I found out I love you and I realized we are not meant for each other.

You seem getting tired of approaching me when I literally ignored you when we had lunch in our school during lunch break but not with our other friends. Or even when I answered your l question with a short simple answer. I could not even look at your face when we talk because I could never set my eyes staring at your mesmerizing eyes without getting drown in it. Again I got a tiny hope maybe we could be together when you again decided not to give up approaching me.

I spoke too soon because my heart breaks again when you confessed to a girl and tell her you love her. I could never be able to describe the pain my heart is feeling. By then it is better for me to avoid you totally and I know that you could care less about me anymore. My heart hurts whenever I see you or hear you talk. We hang out with the same friends. We are friends but not close like I was with my old friends I been studying with since I was started studying here. I tend to avoid you at all cost. People might just say that we just met when I did not open up with him like I did with my other friends and it would take some time. I just smiled bitterly hearing that reason.

My hearts literally squish when I see both of you kisses passionately and you saying I love you for millions of time. I could not bear any of this anymore. I am just going to suffer further but seeing you trying hard to be close to me it is just impossible to avoid you. Didn’t you realized every attempt hurts me like hell when my love one tries to be close to me for the reason of being just close friends where I always wanted to be more. Well, it is not your fault, it is me getting involved in one sided love. I have always wanted to hug you and feel you embracing me with protection and warmth even for a split second. I could even give my life away just to have those feeling.

Dying? That is one issue that I could touch on. I even tried to kill myself because with myself gone I could spare myself the pain that keep ing through my heart. I could run away from the pain and I could even save myself from disappointing my parents and friends. Yes, they never knew I have such feeling for another man. My parent would be devastated. That’s why I keep this to myself. Imagine life without anyone supporting you? My parent is the most wonderful family but I could never be honest with them or with anyone. I could not stand the disappointing faces when I tell them my secret. I could never be able to face life where I will be rejected. Now I have two reason why I should avoid you. One being I am in a one sided love and two being fate will never be on our side. 

That is why, after my graduation ceremony I would move straight to London with the intention to further my studies. My parent agrees immediately but they didn’t know that I would never be coming back. I come from a rich family because my dad is the most successful businessman in South Korea. Little did they know that their son is a genius? I have contacted an acquaintance in united state t forming a company and start my own business in music industry. I use my saving and I have a lot more left. I would only be in London for a short while to pretend and when the time comes I move away again. Away from all of the pain. I love my family but I would only be a great disappointment to them. I could never be honest to them and I would be only burden with my constant bad moods I shown in my house. I am a depressed man and when I say that I am depressed I would only constant get into fights with my parents but they knew that I am stress out and let it go. That makes me a bastard and I feel guiltier. Instead of committing suicide I would only disappear forever because killing myself will be the greatest sin I would ever commit to God. I would also be a coward to kill myself and not to mention I would be a greater disappointment to my family and friends.

I take one last glance at your face at our graduation ceremony. I wished I could just run towards you to hug you for the last time and be in your warmth embrace. I even consider confessing but I go against it. I would only bring more complications. The last thing I could handle is your rejection or your disgusted face when I confess. At least I went away with a good impression of myself in your eyes. I even bid farewell and apologize all the way to all of my friends including you. I chuckled at my friends reaction saying that I look like I am about to die or leave forever. Well the last part is true so I decided just to give my warmth smile instead as a reply. You and my best friend, Junsu seems to notices something wrong but you guys decided to shrug it off. I was thankful. 

I was so wrong that I could keep myself in control when Junsu hugs me. Without noticing, my tears flows out of my eyes and I was crying my heart out. I could not hold it any longer and crying on someone shoulder will help to ease my pain a bit. It ends up with me sobbing and Junsu comforting me. I just lied to all of my friends that I was emotional today because we finally finishes our school years and we could not be together like we used to when the see me crying like I lost someone I love and again it is true because I would lose you. Being a crybaby in the group they bought it. I take one last glance of your face and your retreating back from my car before I drives back home.
I could not sleep well and I cried a lot that night. The next day at the airport my eyes were red and puffy. My parents seem to notice it and being constant lire I have recently becoming I just say that I would miss them dearly when I am gone. Half of it is true though. I feel guilty when my mother hugs me and says that we could be together again soon. I feel so guilty and my heart clenches because my parents are never once bad to me. I was the burden here. I take one last look at my family before I go because I know this is the last time I could see them. I cried and sobbed when I went through the gate and I mouthed them I love you with me crying all over again. I am totally wrecked now. When I am waiting for the departure call, I decided to call you for one last time.

“Hello” you answered after a few rings.

“…”
“Donghae?”

I hung up. I cried again and I rushed to the toilet. I will always remember you voice and you face. I take one last glance at you picture in my phone I secretly took before I smashed it and flush it down the toilet. Well, I bought a new phone and using that old phone will only bring me all those memories of my family and you. It could sway me back to return to them. I really wanted to start new life and be selfish for once. I am always the one protecting other people feelings and hearts that in return mine is the one suffering all these while.
I board the airplane and I sit next to the window at the first class section. I take one last glance of the airport through the window of the airplane and my tears flows out of my eyes down my cheek for the last time because after this a new aim and a new man will be born. I wipe my tears and tries to calm down my hurting heart. I confesses one last time to myself…

I love you Lee Hyukjae. I always will...Be safe and happy always my love. Hope that I could move on now even though it would be hard. I love you forever…. I love you


a/n iam sorry for a fail in angst fic...lol......sequel???