A/N - Italic is for flashbacks
          Bold for thoughts

“Kevin, come here, okay? Take my hand… Don’t do this…”  I look at the leader, and he was scared. I can see it through his eyes; even though he tries to look calm. His pupils were dancing, and his hands were shaking. He takes another step carefully towards me, but stops immediately when I make another step away from them, approaching the edge of the rooftop.

“Don’t come… Or I’ll jump…”  I warn them, even though my voice sounds funny. It is trembling, plus I almost lost my voice because I fought with Ki Seop just now. And here I am, standing at the edge of a 15 storey building rooftop, and waiting to kiss the ground.

“Kevin, look. I am sorry okay…” It was Ki Seop’s voice. I look at him and I can see his eyes were red from crying. His voice is also as worst as mine, shaking. Not to forget his blushing face, and his both hand are gripping on Jae Seop’s arm tightly.

How lucky he is, Jae Seop can never get far from him since he get back from US.

But I don’t feel like replying to him or anything. I just stay where I‘m standing, and now I have change my sight to the road. I can see few people down there, walking alone or with a partner, or in group. They look so small from up here.

I don’t want to look at my so called best friend anymore. Ki Seop and I rarely have fight, but what he has said hurt me so much. And I never have been this angry to him.

“Kevin… Get down, please?” I turn my face to the voice. There is an obvious fear within it. And then I see Jae Seop, gazing at me using his sharp crocodile eyes without blinking. If before, I will always ask him not to stare at me more than 5 seconds, as I can't bear his pretty eyes. It scared me. But today, I don’t feel the same. His eyes are full with worries, and I feel nothing.

“Please, Kevin” He repeats it two or three times, I don’t know. Ki Seop too, saying the same words since just now, but in a slower voice. I don’t know whether he is trying to convince me with it or he is just scared to see me up here. I shook my head before I look back at the road again.

“Ask him to come here. Then I’ll get down…” I hear a small sigh. I don’t know whom it comes from, but I don’t want to know it either. I am asking too much, I know. But that is what I want, and at least I am not lying. Perhaps Eli heard me, and he will come, and will try to convince me to get down from here.

And I will, I will do whatever he asks.

**********

“Vinnie, have you ever think to go up there?” He points to the rooftop edge. I mean edge, were I was standing right now.

“Yes, sometimes. But I am scared of heights. What if I fall?” I grumble, and Eli just smirks. He turns his face to the rooftop edge and smiles.

“No. It’s okay. I will bring you there,”

“What if we fall down there and die?”  I disagree. I don’t want to die at such young age. I want to marry him and have kids.

“Hmm…. I won’t regret it. Because I died for someone I love and another thing is, we die together,”  He said and kisses my cheek.

“But…”

“Trust me, will you?” He sounds serious, and he pulls my hand and carefully stepped on the rooftop. I follow him, even though my legs were shaking because of the heights. But once we reached there, I feel amazed with the scenery, and the scent. 

“Do you like it?” He asks, while we are holding each other’s hand tightly. I thought I will feel scared, but the feeling is gone because I know, Eli was here with me. I feel safe whenever he is around.

“Yes… It is lovely…” I closed my eyes and inhaled as much air as I can. Because I like the scent, even at first I don’t know where does it come from, but then I just ignored it. Because I just love the scent

The scent has a slight sweet smell. It was like a mixture of Eli's favorite perfume with mine.

“And can we come here at night too? I want to see the stars clearly…” I said as I raise my hand, like trying to reach the sky. I can hear his chuckles before he wrapped his arm around my neck, and interlaced his fingers to mine from back.

“Sure, baby…” And again, he leaves a peck on my cheek. I pull his hand on to my chest and lean my head on his shoulder.

“Thank you, Eli…”

“It is nothing to be compared with you smile, Kevin,” He replies with a small laugh, and leans his head on mine. And we stayed there until the sunset, or to be exact after Soo Hyun hyung scolded us for being late for dinner.

**********

“Kevin – ah…”  It was Hoon’s voice, snapping me out from my thoughts. His voice sounds better than Soo Hyun hyung trembling voice and a lot better than Jae Seop and Ki Seop’s, trying to sound calm. Hoon is very good at convincing, anyone would agree on this. I just shut my mouth, and not doing anything. My eyes are still on the road, watching everything that moves.

“Don’t be like this oh? You’ll hurt him, and you will hurt yourself too,” I am not expecting those words from Hoon. I thought he will say that he will find my boyfriend back and ask him to meet me here, so that I can be happy again.

“No it won’t. I just want to meet him here, today, right now,” I reply with a smirk. I am being stubborn, I know. I am not out of my mind yet, but I am not a fool too. I know what exactly just happened to us, to my relationship. But I just hate the fact that they easily forget him and even asked me to move on.

Have they ever been in my place? Loosing someone you love the most, care for you the most? I lost my first love, the first guy that I share my kiss with. Okay I kissed Ki Seop before that but seriously it was just a peck. It is Eli who taught me how to kiss passionately, and it is him who taught me what fall in love feels like. I just want them to notice me, to know what I feel right now, other than keep asking me to move on, to forget my Pigeon.

I take another deep breath up and trying to search for the scent that I miss. The mysterious scent that has gone since Eli left, but I don’t care. I will wait until it comes back. I look around, and stare again at the place where everything means a lot to me. And here, at this abandoned floor of the building, where we had our first kiss. Where he confessed his feelings and I don’t think twice but kissed his lips right away.

Because I already fall for him since the first time we met. Or, maybe I should say stronger after Man Man Ha Ni era. 

 **********

“Stop it, Kevin! Just stop! He’s gone!”  Ki Seop yelled, and his eyes were almost out from its socket.

“Ki Seop,” I directed my gaze to the leader who comes from nowhere, and Jae Seop is standing behind him. I bet they were shock with Ki Seop’s voice.

“Tell him hyung, tell him Eli is gone. Tell him Eli died because he fell from the rooftop edge! Tell him he should move on!”  Ki Seop shouted, not even a word he slow his voice down. Soo Hyun hyung is looking at me now, and his face is full of worry and sympathy. He whispers something to Jae Seop before the Kitty nodded understands.

“Kevin, can we talk?” I don’t know what Ki Seop said next, but I just shook my head and get up from my bed. I walk pass them, and almost hit Hoon as he is on his way to my room. I ran as fast as I can, leaving the house, ignoring Soo Hyun hyung calls and Hoon’s begging, asking me to stop. And there is only one place in my mind.

The rooftop.

**********

I look at them again, one by one, from Soo Hyun, Jae Seop, to Ki Seop and lastly Hoon. Dong Ho is nowhere to be seen. He is having another shooting, maybe. Our maknae is very busy nowadays, and he went to a lot of shows. It is a good thing he is not here, or the situation will get worst. And I hope no one is trying to reach Dong Ho at this moment because I know, Dong Ho is not as strong as he looks. He will beg me to stop what I am doing, more than the others did, trust me.

I try to walk another few steps away from the edge, when I suddenly feel a strange strong wind passing my cheeks and hairs. And that was when I see him. Yes, him. He is walking behind them one by one slowly, approaching the place where I am standing now. 

He looks a bit thinner than before, and his face is pale. His eyes, it looks like he never sleep for a few days, and they have dark circles around them. A smile is plastered on his no-blood-exist face, but I don’t like it. The smile was just the same like he always gives before he left me.

And I don’t know when he was there and suddenly standing in front of me, maybe I was dazzled by his handsome face, as I can't feel the time passed. I stared at the face that I always missed, without blinking my eyes. He pulls out one of his hand, and without saying any words, I know that he asks me to hold it.

I did, I touch his cold hand. And that is when I feel I don’t step on anything.

**********

I wake up this morning and I was surprised because Eli was not there beside me, which is very rare. He is always the last to wake up in the house and I need almost an hour to move him from the bed. So I went to the hall, and I saw Hoon and Dong Ho were just finish from cooking. I asked Hoon whether he knows about Eli. He said he saw Eli went out from the house like not long before I woke up.

“I did ask, and he said he wants to go to the rooftop. But Kevin…” Hoon stops, and looking at me with frown on his face.

“Did you guys fought yesterday?” I shook my head. If we really have fight, he should aware that at least one of the things in this house is already broken.

“But he looked terrible. I mean, his eyes were swollen, and red. His hair was in mess, and… when he answered me, his voice was like he never eat in ten days,” The Bunny chuckles a little, before shook his head. I try to smile and even say thanks to him. But at the same time I feel scared.

I know something is wrong with Eli lately but I never dare to ask. As I was heading to the the rooftop, my mind can’t stop thinking about how he has changed now. I feel like everything he did was forced. His smiles and laughs, they are not natural as before. He’s always with his phone, and I don’t know what he is doing. He rarely tweets to the fans, as I can know if he tweets.

And I know he sleeps less recently and sometimes he will ignore us. I can understand if he ignores me, I must whine too much and he can’t stand it. But ignoring the leader, too? That was awesomely rude, and he knows it.

“Eli?” I said as I reached the rooftop and I saw him, standing at the edge, throwing his gaze somewhere far from here. I walk towards him, and just then he turned his head to me. Hoon was right, he looks terrible. His eyes were red and swollen, and his face was pale.

“Hey sweetheart…”  He is smiling, and again, I feel like he was forcing it.

“Hey…” I smiled. “Watching sunrise without me huh?” I tried to talk something stupid. Eli is actually facing the other site. I pouted too, but my eyes were still on him.

“You can live without me, don’t you?” I start to feel uneasy.

“What are you talking about?” I can feel my voice was shaking of fear, and I stuttered a lot. I am not here to hear him asking for a break up, or something like that.

“Do you think we suit each other?” He asks.

“Yes we are. And even we are not, we loved each other. That is what matters, Eli,” 

I tried to smile; even though my heart was thumping fast. My head begins to think something bad, anything that I should not imagine. But the way Eli acts now, really scares me.

“But that is not what the others think… I am no one to be compared to you. I can’t sing, and I can’t dance well. I am not a skilled rapper as Jae Seop. I am just a fat Pigeon from US and I can’t even speak and understand Korean as well as you. I am nothing, Kevin… nothing…”

Tears fall down on his cheeks and he immediately wipes them with his hands. He took a deep breath before exhales it, like he just had let everything go. And I am still here, standing not far from him and not being able to move even an inch, as I was thinking about what he just said.

I didn’t know he can ever think something like that. Eli was never like this, as long as I know him, as long as I am in love with him, he will never ask about how well we suit for each other. He doesn’t care what people think about him, or even us. He might be a shy boy, but he is someone that cared less for what people thought.

“I love you Kevin, but I can’t bear it to hear those hating comments on you anymore. They hate me, they hate Elvin. Find someone better, someone who deserved you…” 

He looked at me and gives another faint smile. I shook my head as I tried to walk towards him, reducing the gap between us so I can hold him, telling him that we really deserved each other.

“But…Eli…” 

He looked away from me, and from the last glance he gave, I know he really mean it. He was so upset, and he wanted to end all this. My steps started to slow when I saw him approaching the edge of the rooftop, and not looking at me anymore.

But I want to tell him that I love him, and how much he meant for me.

‘I love you Eli! I dont care what people say, I love you, I really do...!’ 

But those words stuck on my throat, and Eli never know about it.

“Goodbye…” 

It was the last word I heard from him and I lost him from my sight. I tried to reach him but I fall on to the floor as my body is too weak to move anymore. I still remember how I cried and shouting his name. And a pair of hands hugging me tightly from behind, trying to calm me but that won’t change anything.

Eli was gone, and he will never come back. 

**********

The next few seconds are a bit confusing. I feel like flying for a while, and then I feel pain all over my body. I can’t move or talk, because it hurt so much. I can hear screams and shouting around me, but I see nothing. My views were blocked and all I can see is black. 

But it didn’t last for long. I don’t know what happened, but I can’t hear the voices anymore. Silence is surrounding me, before I heard footsteps approaching me.

“Pabo. Does it hurt?” I open my eyes slowly, and I see him. He looks the same just like now, but his smile is brighter. I nod and I heard him laugh before he kneels beside me and took my hand, squeezing it gently. Just then I didn’t feel any pain on my body anymore.

“Let me carry you, okay?” I didn’t reply, and just let him do whatever he wants. He takes my hand and asks me to hang it around his neck. He pulls me up and now he is carrying me bridal style.

“And next time don’t ever try to do something stupid like that again. Now you know how hurt it was,” 

He tries to sound like he was angry. I can’t help but laugh, because I know, he is smiling.

“Where are you taking me to, Eli?” I ask.

“How about a place call Heaven?” He says softly, but there is amusement in his voice. 

“I trust you this time,” I close my eyes tightly and rest my head on his cold broad chest. Just then I felt another strong wind passing my cheeks and hairs again, with the same scent from the rooftop.

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