Lonely
Lonely
Do you still love him?
I kept on asking myself these days. With each passing day, I keep on doubting whatever I have with Jiyong. It’s not like we’re going through any problems. Truth be told, we’re actually doing fine. The span of time that we have been together corroborates the fact that we are going strong.
His career is soaring and so as our group. But something seems to be missing – something between us has been lost and I’m no longer sure if we could ever find it again.
As always, love has become a stranger to me –
He loves me and I love him, but . . . I’m not so sure anymore.
Just as always, after a night of making love with him, I lie awake and watch him sleep. I trace the bridge of his nose and the contours of his lips as I gently kiss it.
Trying my best to wake the sleeping emotions I once felt for him, with each kiss I share with him, I can see the doubt rising in his eyes. However, he smothers those thoughts and just relish that I am still with him.
I love him.
I love Kwon Jiyong.
I love G-dragon
I kept convincing myself. If I keep convincing myself, I’m bound to believe it. I have to.
A lie can turn into truth, just keep on convincing yourself Dara.
I told myself countless of times, but as much as I want to lie to myself, I can’t. Emptiness has filled my heart and not even his sweet words can ever fill the void.
I don’t love him anymore.
A fact I can no longer deny to myself. A fact he knows but kept on denying it to himself. With each passing day, we scrap each other’s world and strip each other with emotion, trying to salvage whatever emotion we had left with the hurricane of passion we once had for each other.
I can still see that he loves me – he keeps on loving me, even when I no longer deserve the love he is giving me. It suffocates me, and with him trying to salvage the relationship is making me feel lonelier than ever.
It hasn’t always been this way. I used to love him, a love so strong and so passionate that even I was scared of it myself. My feelings for Jiyong were just like a hurricane – wild, fierce and fervent. Everyone saw it through my eyes, words and actions. I loved him. Loved. As years went by, that hurricane kind of love died and soon became a gentle breeze.
My throat thickened with emotion. I can’t handle this, I have to leave before I say or do something that will hurt him.
Gathering my discarded clothes, I went to his bathroom and showered, washing away the tears that I was shedding quietly. It was already 3 am, I know I shouldn’t leave, but I can’t stay.
Impasse. Check mate. I walked out of the bathroom, ready to leave him for the night to clear my mind, until I saw him, hiding the tears streaming from his eyes.
He was sitting on the bed with an unreadable expression on his face. “You changed.” He said quietly.
“I’m sorry.”
“I don’t need your sorry, Dara. Please, tell me . . .” he begged, his voice thickening with sadness. “Is there someone else?”
“There’s no one else Ji.”
He stood up from the bed, he was still wearing the bracelet I gave him - another nail on my coffin of guilt. “Then why?” He asked helplessly. “I don’t know what to do anymore Dee. I ing don’t know. I love you, so much that it already hurts.”
“Ji . . . let’s not talk tonight, please.” If we talk, I might say something that will hurt you. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
He gave a weak laugh, “Don’t you think it’s already too late for that? Did I do something wrong?” he pulled his hair in frustration, “because if I did, I’m sorry.”
“It’s not you Ji, it’s me. . .” A lame break up line I have heard others use before, but never did I ever imagine that I would be one of those people who would actually use it. “Ji can you put some clothes on first, then we can talk?” Trying to buy myself time as I walked a little further away from him.
“No. If I put some clothes on then it means we’re breaking up. I don’t want us to break up Dee. I love you.”
He looked like a helpless child, waiting for me to embrace him and welcome him back to my arms. But prolonging this relationship, I realized, will only cause us more pain. Nothing and no one can save us when that time comes. The words I will utter next will change everything.
Chances are, he will start hating me. And I deserve that hate.
“I’m so, so sorry Ji –“
He knelt on his knees, “Please Sandara Park, don’t . . . please, I’m begging you. . .I’ll even grovel if you want, don’t break up with me.” He said desperately. Tears streaming steadily from his eyes, I turned away. I can’t look at him like that.
“Ji, it’s not working out anymore.”
He stood up, “Maybe its just that, we haven’t been with each other for a while and you already forgot what to feel when were together more often. Tell you what, I’ll cancel my album, you still won’t be coming back till June right? Let’s go on a trip? Europe, China, Brazil . . . anywhere Dara, just please . . . I can’t be without you.”
“You have too Ji. Can’t you see, we just got so used to each other! Tell me the last time you truly felt happy being with me.” He was quiet, “You see, Ji, let’s end everything while we’re still friends before we start hating each other.”
I was already dressed and started walking to where the door was, he hugged me from the back. “Please Dara, don’t . . .” he sobbed, my heart broke into a million pieces with each second I hear him cry. “ . . .don’t leave me. We’ve been together for 8 years, if you can’t stand being in a secret relationship, I’ll give up my c-“
“Ji, don’t. . .”I begged, if he said those words, my resolve of leaving him will break. I need to find the old me, the old Sandara. “I already gave you 8 years of my life, it was the best years of my life but I need to find me. These past few months, whenever we’re in YG, I’ve been living in your shadow, I can’t be that way anymore Ji. I have to be me. Even when I’m with you, I feel so lonely. It’s not supposed to be that way Ji. What’s worse is that, whenever both of us are away from each other, we don’t seem to mind anymore, we don’t miss each other anymore. Face it Ji. We love each other, but we already changed.”
“Bull Dara!”
“Ji, please, let me go.”
The air was filled with tension, “Can we at least talk? Seeing that you already made up your mind and sleep will be impossible for the next coming days.”
And talk we did. We talked about a lot of things, our past, what we did, what we have done, what we could have done. Jiyong is still the same, he is still the kind person I met.
I guess, it’s me who has the problem. I’m lacking when it comes to love.
I’m so sorry Jiyong. I’m so, so sorry. He slept again around 7 am and I slept beside him. This would be our last day together. We kissed, we made out. But when the night finally came, I left his house, taking everything that would remind him of us. And it was a lot.
Surely, it was such a lonely night for both of us.
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