¤- Age: 31 -¤

Max’s phone rang. Jaehwa was running around singing in a pink tutu waving a wand. Max always pictured Jaehwa as the image of his umma when he was younger. Max loved spending time just him and his daughter.  Max’s phone rang again. He sighed and picked it up.

“Hello?”

“Hello is this Jung Changmin?” The voice on the other side of the line sounded professional. He thought he had changed his name at all the important establishments.

“No, this is Jung Max, but Changmin was my old name.”

“Are you related to Jung Yunho?” Max frowned.

“Yes I am.”

“I’m sorry Sir…” Max gripped the phone tight and then let it fall. He stood there quietly, until Jaehwa came up and tugged at his sleeve.

“Appa? What wrong appa?” Max looked down at his daughter and hugged her.

“Appa has to go somewhere, run back into the house and tell umma, okay?” the little girl nodded and kissed Max on the cheek.

Max headed straight to the house. The old house. He had refused to step back into that house since he had left it for college. It looked the same as when he had left it. His appa had never asked for the key back, so he unlocked the door and walked in. For some reason he had never taken the key off of his key ring. The house smelled the same. He climbed the stairs and sat on his appa’s bed. He remembered the last time he had been here. That was when he had found the journal.

In anger he threw the book that was on the bed side table against the wall. It hit the picture of the ocean and the picture fell. Changmin gaped. There was a black safe behind the picture. In all the years he had lived here he never knew about it. He walked over and looked at the key pad lock. He tried his appa’s birthday for the code, it wasn’t right. He tried his parent’s wedding day and that was wrong too. He finger shook when he typed in (02,18,88), the lock clicked open. There was a box. He took the box out of the safe and sat down. On top was an old thick journal, it matched the one he had from his umma. He opened it.

Jaejoong was crying all day, he pounded on my chest until I had bruises. I kept telling him I was sorry. I was so sorry. But all he did was scream. He kept screaming he didn’t want to have kids. It was my fault for getting him pregnant.

Max frowned. His umma must have been in shook when he found out he was pregnant with him.

I let him yell and scream until he was tired. He wanted to get an abortion he told me. That word struck me like a hammer to the head. How could he think of wanting to kill this perfect being inside of him? I begged him. I pleaded with him. Please not to do it. I thanked the gods that when Jae had gone to the doctor’s office because of the flu he thought he had, he didn’t abort our baby right then when he found out about it. Jae looked at me. He asked me how much this meant to me. I told him the world. I remember the look he gave me. Like he was fighting himself. He nodded. He told me that he loved me so much if this is what I wanted he would do it. I had never felt so happy in my life. I can’t wait to be an appa. To teach my child to play soccer or help them with math.

Max felt dizzy. His umma wanted to abort him. He mind was whirling. No his appa is lying, this journal is a lie. But deep down he knew his appa had never lied to him. Maybe not told him the truth, but never lied. He flipped to a new page.

We went to the doctors, after I fed Jae. He has been eating non-stop, he says our child is going to be a food monster. The baby better not crave all this weird food too! The doctor brought us into the room and asked us if we wanted to know about the gender. Of course we said yes. We had been arguing about the gender of the baby for a while. They squirted some jelly onto Jae’s round belly and started the ultrasound. I held my breath. Every time I saw that picture my heart started racing. The doctor told us it’s a boy. Those words changed my world. A boy. Jae was right. That was my little boy.

Max looked down, this matched what the other journal had said. He kept flipping.

Tonight at dinner we sat down to think about names. We threw names out like Chinho, Dongmin, Daehyun, Insu, Max, John, Peter, George, Lars, Kevin. Then it came to me Changmin. It sounded perfect, it matched our son. Jae was stuck on American names, but when he saw how much the name meant to me, he told me that it sounded perfect. Changmin. I can’t wait to hear “Changmin loves appa”

Max looked at those last words. Never in his memory had he ever said that to his appa. Max had said he had hated him a lot but never that he loved him.

It is February 18^th and Changmin was born. He is perfect. I hold him and he looks up at me. I can already tell he is going to be perfect. Jae doesn’t want to hold him. The doctors say that this can be normal and that Jae will come around once we leave the hospital. Changmin is so precious, his little hands and feet amaze me. How many times can I say perfect? He grips my finger and I feel as if nothing could make me happier.

Max skipped a few pages.

Jae is depressed. He hates touching Changmin. He doesn’t want anything to do with our perfect child. Sometimes he will hold Changmin but all he will do it look down at him with empty eyes. He would rather spend time alone with me. He keeps bugging me to go out to the mall with him or have a night alone. He is the happiest at bed time because we are next to each other. I don’t know how to change it. The doctor says it could be post pardem depression. Sometimes when I hold Changmin I just sing. He will look up at me with those big brown eyes and smile. I don’t know why Jae can’t see the beauty and love of this child.

Max turned the page and saw dried tears on the page.

Jae came home tonight and sat down with me. He told me that he had tried to be an umma, but he couldn’t do it. He wasn’t ready and he never wanted kids. That we were both too young. He had Changmin for me. That he loved me and wanted to be with me still. He wanted to give up Changmin. I was holding a sleeping Changmin in my arms and looked down. I knew I could never give up him. I told him I couldn’t give up Changmin. Jae told me that Changmin was ruining his life. That he wishes that he had aborted Changmin. He told me either Changmin goes or he does. My heart is breaking. I can barely write, but the other side of the bed is empty and I don’t want to lay in the bed alone. I told him that I loved him and have always loved him, but I couldn’t give up my son. He looked at me and kissed me. Then went upstairs and packed. I could hear him moving around. He came down with his suitcases. Before he left, he told me he would always love me and would wait for me. He would wait until I got rid of Changmin and came back to him. I will never let Changmin know about his umma. I want him to believe that he had a nice and caring and loving umma.I want him to know the Jae I know and love, not this person who can’t love their son.

“YOU LIE” Max screamed. He wanted to burn this book. He wanted to destroy all the lies written in here. He flipped to the middle.

I gave Changmin a leather bag I saw in the window of the department store. It looks like something Jae would have used. I wrapped it up and put it in the closet to hide. I can’t believe my son is turning 6. It seems just like yesterday he was being born and could fit into my arms. I love him so much, but no matter what I do I’m not good enough for him. I have done my job well, he loves his umma so much, as much as I do. That is the way it should be. He yelled at me again before the party. I heard that he wished to have a nicer appa. It broke my heart. But I keep telling myself I am doing this for him. I would rather have him blame me than know that his umma never wanted him. I gave him the bag and he assumed it was umma’s present. He loved it. It made him happy. That’s all I want for him.

Max flipped almost to the back of the thick journal.

Changmin asked me for his umma for his wedding gift. I love Changmin and his bride. I wish I could give this to him. I called Jae, I miss him so much, and asked him to meet. I remember sitting at our favorite café and seeing him walk in. He looked amazing, the same, the person I fell in love with. He came over and hugged me. I could feel everything. It was an unspoken I love you. We sat down and I told him that you were getting married. He stiffened at your name. I told him that Changmin had changed his name to Max, that he was right an Americanized name would have been better. He smiled and told me that he was always right. He leaned in and kissed me. I missed that. I missed his lips. When we separated, I told him that Changmin wanted him at his wedding. Jae looked at me like I was crazy. He told me that he would never go to that. He didn’t want anything to do with Changmin,I don’t know why he can’t love his son, our son. He just wanted me to come back to him. I looked at him half wishing I could leave with him, but knowing that all my life I had been waiting for Changmin’s wedding. I slowly shook my head tears flowing down my cheeks. I could see him crying too. This will forever separate us. I got up and left. I told Changmin when I got back that I refuse to ask his umma to come. He hit me. Across the face. He told me I was greedy and selfish. That he was ashamed to have me as an appa. He told me that I was invited to the wedding only because Seohyun wanted me there. He left me there. He is right, I am selfish.

Max put the journal down. He didn’t want to read any more. He looked through the rest of the box. There were scribbles on white paper that he must have drawn for his appa a long time ago. There was his graduation program. His appa must have come even though Max had told him not to.  There were pictures of his appa with his umma. They looked younger and happy. There were progress reports from his university, his dean list achievements all framed and in the box. There were pictures of him. One tattered picture of him and appa. He must have been one or two. He was holding onto his appa’s neck and his appa was smiling. He dug deeper in the box and found the thank you notes he had written for his umma for all the presents. Each saved. Each one precious. There were no pictures of him and his appa later. He didn’t want pictures of him. He didn’t think he even owned a picture of his appa. He set the box down. He hated his appa even more right in this moment.

He left the box and the content on the floor as he walked out to the car. He drove to the hospital that had called. The hospital was white, sterol, and clean. He walked to the desk. The nurse looked at his id and pointed him towards a room. Max walked slowly to the door. Samchon Heehee and Donghae were already there. There was his appa lying on the bed. White bandages around his body and head. When he walked in his samchons looked up at him. As if they were surprised he would have even come. He stood there staring.

“Is it true. Is he brain dead?” That’s all Max needed to know. Samchon Heehee nodded, not looking at him. He needed to talk to his appa to see if this journal was lies to force him to let him meet his umma so he can tell, can figure out if these words were truth.

The door banged open. Max looked up to see the person he had always dreamed of seeing. The face that haunted his dreams; the face that he said goodnight to every night. But he was passed without a look. Jaejoong, his umma went straight to Yunho. He saw tears flowing down the face of his umma.

“Heechul, how did this happen?” The voice he thought he had remembered sounded different in real life. Max saw Heechul hesitate.

“Yunho was driving to see Changmin. Yunho had a tradition of going to Changmin’s house on father’s day so he could see his son. Changmin, was always busy and Yunho didn’t want to bother him, the police thinks it was a drunk driver that slammed into his car…” Heechul wouldn’t look at anyone, but stared at the floor. Max watched as Jaejoong his appa’s face.

“Umma,” the voice came from the door, making everyone jump. There was a boy younger than Changmin standing in the doorway. His voice sounded a little like a dolphin, a tall man was standing next to him. “Umma who is this?” The boy asked again.

“Junsu, this is umma’s…” the tall man stopped looking at Jaejoong who hadn’t even turned to look at the boy calling him umma.  “This is your umma’s love of his life…”

“But appa,” that word sent a lightning bolt down Max’s spine. “appa, you are umma’s love of his life.”

“No Junsu,” the tall man smiled sadly at the boy. “I am just Yoochun, a man who loves Jaejoong greatly. He is my love of my life.” Max was watching the two; his mind was going a hundred miles a minute. “Jae, we are going to be in the hall, come out when you are ready…” the man called Yoochun said. They door shut quietly.  Max could hear his umma sobbing quietly,

“Yunho, Yunho, Yunho…” He stood there not knowing what to do. Suddenly his umma turned and glared around the room. Jaejoong’s eyes fell upon him. “Donghae who is this?” Max felt his heart breaking.

It shattered.

The longing he had for so many years for his umma and now here they were together and his umma didn’t even recognize him. Donghae shifted uncomfortably.

“Jaejoong, that is Changmin, or Max… He changed his name… he is your son.” Max didn’t know what he expected to come from his umma, but it definitely wasn’t what his umma said.

“You took him away from me. YOU TOOK HIM AWAY FROM ME!”  screamed his umma. He saw his umma was still holding Yunho’s hand. “I told him you didn’t love him or wanted him like I wanted him and loved him. But he wouldn’t leave you. You did nothing but hurt him, yeah I know. I talked with Donghae and Heechul. You didn’t deserve him. He should have been with me. I would have told him every day that I loved him. I would have…”

“That’s enough Jae,” Heechul put a hand on his umma’s shoulder. Max stood there stunned. He saw the tears running down his umma’s face. He saw the sadness etched in every edge of his umma’s face.

“Why didn’t you come back?” shuttered Max. “When you were ready to have kids, why didn’t you come back for me?!”

“I didn’t want you. You stole Yunho away from me. Yunho looked at you with the same amount of love he had for me. I didn’t want to share him with anyone.”

“What if appa had left me to go to you, you have a family already you betrayed him.” Max was starting to get angry.

“I would have left them. You don’t understand how much we loved each other. You don’t understand anything Chang. Min.” Max stood their stunned. His umma was nothing like what he imagined, or remembered. He just stood there watching his umma with his appa. The doctor walked in in the silent room.

“I’m glad to see the family is here. We need to talk about life support. Mr. Jung is brain dead. He cannot live without the machines. You can choose to keep him on the machines or take him off. Has he ever talked to you about this?”

“No” Max said.

“Yes” his umma responded. “He didn’t want to be kept alive if he hadn’t awoken from the trauma after 72 hours.” Max was surprised. He had never asked his appa questions like that before, they barley talked at all.

“And who are you to the patient?” THe doctor looked at his umma.

“His wife.”

“No.” Max almost shouted, “Ex-Wife. I’m his son. He is my responsibility. He loved me the most.” Samchon Heechul looked at him,

“No Changmin, Jae is his wife, they never got a divorce, seeing neither of these two could ever sign the papers...” He saw samchon Heechul roll his eyes, making sure Jaejoong could see it. Jaejoong just glared at Heechul, before turning back to the doctor.

“You have the decision then?”

“I want to respect his wishes.” Max noticed his umma grip his appa’s hand.

“No! He can still come out of it! WHY DO YOU WANT TO KILL HIM?” Max screamed at his umma.

“Don’t ever accuse me of that. I don’t want to kill him. Do you think it is easy for me? To let go?! I have been waiting for him for how many years Chang. Min.” Max had never felt this proactive or possessive of his appa then at this moment.

The night went on. Heechul and Donghae left, they had families to get back to. Max had called his wife to tell her where he was. His umma was still next to his appa. Yoochun and Junsu had left a long time ago. Max should hate Junsu, the son who got his umma, but he didn’t. He felt bad for the boy who looked confused and sad about why his umma was ignoring him. Max watched.

He went to sit in the waiting room. Chaos was all around him. He kept thinking about his childhood, how his appa had allowed him to be cruel and mean, how he had protected him. Did his appa even know before he became brain dead that Max, somehow did care for him. How he hated his appa for doing this for him. What he would have done if Seohyun had left him to take care of Jaehwa by himself? If he knew the truth, maybe he would have let himself love his appa and understand his appa.

Max walked back into the room, Jae was still by Yunho, but Max sat across from his umma on the other side of his appa. It was quiet for a while.

“Do you know Yunho’s favorite food?” The question rang out in the quiet room.

“No.”

“Do you know Yunho’s favorite holiday?”

“No.”

“Did you know that some nights, after you were particularly mad at him he would call me. We wouldn’t talk but he would just cry. He would fall asleep. Want to know how I knew it was after you were mad at him?” Max nodded. “In his sleep he would repeat your name and the words ‘bad appa’ over and over.” His umma wasn’t looking at him. He only had eyes for Yunho. Max felt his chest tighten. He stood up and lay on the couch. The last thing he heard was his umma saying “You are tall like him, I think, you got your personality from me…”

The next morning he opened his eyes and saw his umma in the same spot as he had left him. He had a message from his wife saying they were coming to visit. He got up and washed up. When he came back to the room, his wife and daughter was just opening the door.

“APPA!” Jaehwa ran to Max, and he hugged her. He walked in the room and he heard his wife gasp. She recognized the man sitting next to his appa.

“ Appa why is harabeoji in the bed? Harabeoji! Harabeoji!” Jaehwa squirmed out of his arms and ran to his appa. Jaehwa had loved his appa in ways he never had. He had disliked that Jaehwa didn’t dislike his appa in the past. “Appa is harabeoji sick? He’ll get better right?” tears were streaming from his daughter’s face. Max watched as his umma took his eyes off of his appa to look at his daughter.

“Who are you?” his umma asked.

“Jung Jaehwa. Is my harabeoji going to be okay?” the little girl gripped Jaejoong’s hand.

“Do you love your harabeoji?” Max saw his little girl nod her head.

“I don’t get to see harabeoji a lot…but sometime he comes to my school to eat lunch with me. But that’s a secret because appa wouldn’t like it...” Max saw his little girl bite her lip.

“I love your harabeoji a lot too.” Jaejoong picked the little girl up and put her on his lap, as they both stared at Yunho.

Max stared at the two, they looked similar; he didn’t look anything like Jaejoong, more like Yunho as his umma had pointed out. He bent over and kissed his appa on the forehead. It was the first time he could ever remember kissing his appa.

“I’m sorry.” Max swore he had his appa's face relax into almost a smile. Max bent down so he could whisper to his appa, "If I can be half of an appa as you were to me, Jaehwa will be lucky. I'm sorry Appa... I'm sorry I was a horrible son. I'm sorry I ruined your life." Tears were falling and he knew he couldn't stop it.

"Appa," Jaehwa's voice broke through. "Appa, Harabeoji knew you loved him. He told me. He said that you were the best thing to ever happen to him. He said that he wouldn't do anything different. Harabeoji said that you would mutter 'appa' in your sleep and smile. He knew you loved him." Jaehwa smiled at him. Even though Jaehwa looked like his umma, she definitely had his appa personality. He watched as his umma Jaehwa's hair.

"Jaehwa, you are right. Your harabeoji loved your appa greatly. You are very smart, just like your halomni I bet." Jaehwa stared up at his umma's face.

"Harabeoji said that Halomni was the most beautiful creature he had ever seen. That he was smart and beautiful and terrifying." Max heard a little laugh escape his umma's mouth. "He said that he would give bambi up to see Halmoni. I didn't understand that though...." The little girl scrunched her face up.

"Harabeoji promised that he would get Halmoni to meet me....but now Harabeoji is sick...." Max watched as his little girl frowned. "Harabeoji seemed sad when I asked to see Halmoni. Harabeoji," the little girl grabbed the bed sheets. "Harabeoji if you get better I swear I will never ask again. You are enough. Get better!" Max was crying again. He imagined how his appa must have felt when his daughter had asked for her halmoni. It must have felt like Deja vu.

"Your halmoni, I have a feeling would love to meet you." Jaejoong squeezed the little girls hand.

"Why do you think Harabeoji won't let appa see his umma?" Jaehwa asked innocently. Max saw his umma tense.

"I think...I think your harabeoji was protecting your halmoni, because you halmoni didn't want to see your appa."

"Why?" Jaehwa had turned her whole attention to this man who she was sitting on. His umma hesitated and looked at his appa laying on the bed.

"Jaehwa who do you love the most?"

"My appa!" Jaehwa smiled.

"What would you do if someone would take your appa's attention and love from you?" Jaehwa's smile dropped. She thought.

"Appa would never stop loving me." she looked over at Max for confirmation.

"I will never stop loving you Jaehwa." He saw a sad smile on his umma's face.

"What if someone came around that your appa loved the same as you or more?"

"I would feel sad. I would want this other person gone. But if appa still loved me, I guess it's okay, but I would feel sad."

"That's how your halomni felt. He loved your harabeoji so much, he couldn't share. He felt protective. He felt sad that your appa was getting the attention. He felt insecure. He didn't want what happened, but did it to make your harabeoji happy. He realized he couldn't be happy always feeling jealous and feeling guilty for feeling jealous. But your halmoni NEVER stopped loving your harabeoji."

"Harabeoji never stopped loving halmoni either." Max saw his little girl look sad. "I asked harabeoji once why he couldn't live with halmoni. He said because he loved halmoni so much he couldn't ask him for that, because that would hurt halmoni." Max saw his umma brush a piece of hair from his appa's face.

"Stupid. I should have come back to you once you told me about the wedding. I should have come back. I'm sorry. I love you."

"what?" Jaehwa looked confused.

"It's nothing. Just talking to your Harabeoji." His umma smiled at the little girl. "You are a lot like your harabeoji."

"Really?!" Jaehwa smiled. She turned to Max.

"Appa, can you wake Harabeoji up? I want him to meet this nice man! I think Harabeoji would like him! Make him better so harabeoji can meet him!" The little girl's face pleaded with him to make his appa better. "You can fix anything! Fix harabeoji appa!"

"I wish I could Jaehwa. You're right, I think your harabeoji would have loved to see him," nodding at his umma. He really would have loved to see his family together.

So what what do you think>? One chapter left. Comment?
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