*****

Namjoo had never known pain to be so great. For the past four years she had given all she had. She had given so much away that she had nothing left. Her heart was empty, her grief had no weight to it, and her life was nothing. All Namjoo knew was she was stupid to have fallen so hard. It was her fault she had been played like a fool. She was the cause of her pain and no one else.

That was why she sunk herself in nothing, but work. Seven days a week she tended to her job with daily 10 to 12 hour shifts. She would work her mind until her brain could no longer concentrate, until her nose bled, and until her fingers became sore from hitting the keyboard relentlessly. That was how she punished herself for four years of stupidity all because she believed she deserved the worst.

But today…today Namjoo was exhausted. She was tired. Her legs didn’t want to walk as far as the bus stop so she just stopped and sat. Namjoo hoped the cold rain could wash away her emptiness. She just wanted to feel cold instead of the emptiness.

How many times a night had she wished to disappear and how many times a month she had tried starving herself to death couldn’t add up to the times Tae Joon had hurt her. Tae Joon, Tae Joon, Tae Joon…it was still all Tae Joon even half a year later. Kim Namjoo was still an utterly complete fool who deserved nothing, nothing, nothing!

Tilting her head up to the gloomy clouds that were her heart she quietly asked, “Why?”

And that was when she realized she wasn’t staring at the gloomy clouds that were her heart, but something of solid material. It hit her a second later that it was an umbrella shielding her from the worst before she suddenly sensed the presence beside her. A young man of tall build who looked no older than her glanced down at her. Their eyes connected for a few split seconds and Namjoo turned away.

What did he want? Who was he? What was he doing? But she wasn’t in for talking. Namjoo didn’t want to talk, not to anyone, not ever.

Turning away she grabbed her bag and stood tiredly to walk away. She was so tired…just so tired.

“Namjoo,” her manager stopped in front of her cubicle the next morning, “the HR team is heading out to do some analytic statistical report for a meeting at the Seoul Hotel, and they’re wondering if someone from our department wants to join them. Since you’re also working on some social welfare issues, why don’t you go?”

Namjoo nodded without a word.

“It’s going to be a two day one night trip, they probably won’t allow you to head back home even if it’s just within city perimeters, so why don’t you pack some clothes with you?” her manager advised. “They’re going to be meeting in the lobby around five, so why don’t you leave early today to pack?”

Again, Namjoo silently nodded before returning to her work. As told, Namjoo did leave work early. She stopped at a café for a late lunch and ate by herself. She also made sure to stop at the mart to stock up on some grocery so she wouldn’t have to worry about it later. At the checkout line, the cashier shot her a curious glance when she noticed all the microwaved food Namjoo had bought. A healthy diet suddenly didn’t matter anymore as long as she ate.

Her doctor had gone as far as lecturing her about gaining some weight and had even suggested seeing a psychologist or going in for therapy. “Depression is a hard battle to fight alone,” her doctor had said. Namjoo had declined the offer. She didn’t need help. All she needed was a lot of time…alone.

Namjoo paid $100 in total for her ready-to-go food and left. Her quiet apartment welcomed her back without a sound. It was a lot smaller than the apartment she’d shared with Tae Joon. There was no space for any decorations. Namjoo had left the walls as bare a bear’s den. After putting the food away she walked into her room, opened the tiny closet, and pulled out a backpack. When she pulled open her drawer, Namjoo had to stop herself and take in a shuddering breath.

No, she wasn’t packing to leave. This wasn’t like the time when she left her and Tae Joon’s place. “You’re not going anywhere,” Namjoo quietly told herself. “You have a job, you have a job.”

But in the end, she sat there staring into space for the longest time feeling like she was in the deepest pit of hell. A few minutes later she was quietly sobbing to herself.

*****

Sehun flipped through the paper in his kitchen. His eyes sat on the weather report page. It was predicated to be a sunny day with clear skies today with a chilly breeze in the evening, but no rain was reported. Good, that was good. No rain.

There was no clear reason why he disliked the rain so, he just didn’t favor it. Then he thought about those pair of eyes he’d seen yesterday. It didn’t matter who the woman was or what she had been doing, but it was those eyes he knew. He knew those eyes because they were his own. He knew that look in those eyes, because he looked the same way when he’d glanced into the mirror.

They were the eyes of death, cold, and misery. But it wasn’t her pain that ultimately mattered. It was his. Sehun was continuously reminded of the word betrayal. At one point in his life he was sure that the people closest to him were the ones he could trust most. He had been told wrong. His parents had taught him wrong.

Friends hurt and so did his lover.

His phone sounded and he saw a text message reminding him to be in the lobby at no later than 5. Dumping his cup of coffee down the drain of his sink he walked into his room.

“Look who’s early!” Jong Kyu shouted when Sehun walked through the glass doors. Sehun shot him a small smile in reply before the man linked an arm around his neck. “I was thinking you might bail out on this trip! Whoo! Are we going to have a fun time tonight!”

Sehun muttered a cry before squirming out of Jong Kyu’s neck hold. He looked around the golden lobby and recognized his usual co-workers who were all ready to go. Glancing away from them he found himself staring at a fake coconut tree by the sitting area and stared at it while listening to their team leader, Young Su, take attendance.

“Ah! There she is!” Young Su shouted when the glass doors opened and Sehun turned to see a woman with bangs that almost ran past her eyes. “Kim Namjoo, right?”

The woman timidly paused and slightly nodded her head with no movement whatsoever.

“Alright! Now that we’re here, lets get going! We have to be checked in by 6!” Young Su shouted before putting a hand on Namjoo’s shoulder and leading her out.

While Young Su spoke to her Sehun found himself staring after her before following along.

“I still don’t get why the meeting is held at the Seoul Hotel, we should have at least gone to Busan or Incheon,” Jong Kyu muttered beside him.

It was a bumpy ride and Sehun could feel his body jolt along with the bus as it ran over bumps in the road. As they passed the busy line outside the downtown theater he could see himself and Hyun Ae chatting while waiting to buy their movie ticket. They would chat on and on and on. Those days seemed so far away.

Turning away to keep from those memories he noticed Young Su raising his arms into the air excitedly as if telling some sort of unheard story. Namjoo who was sitting beside him remained unspoken as if there was no care to give. She was just sitting there completely still.

“It’s a good thing we’re each getting our own rooms,” Jong Kyu muttered into his ear while Young Su stopped at the front desk to check them in. Then he chuckled, “Imagine all the things we can do alone.” Jong Kyu nudged Sehun, “Hey, you’re coming over later, right? I’m going to order some beer for us. You better come.”

Sehun refrained from giving him a definite reply and watched Young Su turn toward them with their card keys.

“Unpack and head back downstairs to the lobby, we’re going to be having a banquet as well as a greeting session with the hotel staff, better not be late. Especially you, Jong Kyu. I’m going to keep my eye on you.” Young Su pointed a finger at him.

“What!?” Jong Kyu whined before turning after Young Su.

The hotel room was luxuriously large and even had a veranda of its own. Sehun walked past the queen sized bed and pulled the curtain away from the window and stared out into the city. There was one time in his life when he had wanted to spend some private time with Hyun Ae alone at a nice place like this. It never came.

Sehun quietly admired the sight of the city before turning away from it. If only his life had the same kind of beauty to it that the city did then maybe, maybe he would be happier. There was nothing but the ugliness he saw to it.

*****

Namjoo wasn’t excited to be there. She wasn’t even the least bit excited about the nice room she was able to have for one night. She didn’t care about how nice it was because nothing was nice anymore. As soon as she tossed her backpack down onto the bed and tucked the card key into her pocket she walked out of the room. Making sure to take extra caution that she’d locked the room by pulling on the handle outside a few times. Namjoo found insecure emotions screaming through her and realized a second later that she was gripping onto the handle so furiously her knuckles were white. Her hands shook a bit before letting go of it.

“It’s ok, it’s ok,” she whispered to herself.

Why had she chosen to come here? This hotel was where she had spent her first night with Tae Joon. Why…

Namjoo bit down on her trembling lips and abruptly turned when the door beside hers opened. Sehun stared back at her absurdly big eyes before she turned away to scurry off. If he recognized her from yesterday, Namjoo hoped he would be wise to not talk to her.

*****

The presentation given during their banquet held no real importance to Sehun. He was sure the others felt the same way he did. Turning away from the stage in the large room glazed with an orange carpet he spotted Namjoo sitting lifelessly. It looked like she was staring at the food on the table and at the same time, it looked like she wasn’t. Unlike the others who had taken plenty of bites out of their dinner, she hadn’t touched hers at all.

Sehun suddenly wondered why she had looked at him the way she had earlier as if she was really upset and shocked. But who was he to care? She was just some weird person who had been invited to join them.

Dinner went well and he joined Jong Kyu while speaking to the executives who had been invited to dine with them. Talk went on for an hour before they were finally given permission to enjoy themselves. There was a pool on the first level that most of his co-workers wanted to visit, but what Sehun really wanted was just some time alone. For half a year he’d gotten plenty used to spending his time by himself.

“Yah, remember to come by later,” Jong Kyu pulled on his arm before splitting up. “I’m going to call you if you don’t come.”

“Fine, whatever,” Sehun mumbled before pulling away.

And that was where he found himself half an hour later, in Jong Kyu’s room. He was playing some ridiculous music from his phone while dramatically singing along to it. Sehun couldn’t help, but roll his eyes.

“I’m leaving,” he declared.

“Wait, why! We’re only getting started!”

Sehun shoved him off, “Why don’t you get it when I tell you I want to be alone!?”

“Dude man, calm down,” Jong Kyu stared at him with confused frown. Then he reached back for a towel on his bed and handed it to Sehun, “Your room’s next to the new girl, right? Go give this to her. Tell her it’s from me.” Jong Kyu winked before Sehun rolled his eyes again and walked out.

Pausing in the middle of the hallway Sehun tightened his fingers around the towel to discover that the sneaky Jong Kyu had hidden a can of beer inside. With another roll of his eyes he paused in front of Namjoo’s room and hesitated. It didn’t seem like she wanted anyone bothering her, but Sehun would also feel stupidly guilty for not delivering the drink. If Namjoo wanted the drink, he decided, she’d take it, but if she didn’t he’d figure out something else for it.

Pressing his lips together he knocked on her door, but received no reply. At this point, Sehun wasn’t much up for talking or seeing anyone anymore. He just wanted that time alone.

He almost turned to walk away, but paused and reached for the doorknob. Heck, he’d rather get rid of the drink than have Jong Kyu on his back.

“Excuse me,” Sehun quietly called out, but again, no one answered.

Knocking once more for another reply he didn’t receive he found himself twisting the doorknob.  

*****

For the first twenty minutes Namjoo sat in endless silence. She couldn’t take this. If she were at her apartment, she could find something to do, but there was nothing here for her. Young Su had told her she didn’t need to be up until 11 tomorrow, so Namjoo picked up the phone and dialed for room service.

Namjoo had been a casual drinker until the breakup. Alcohol was her worst enemy and her best friend. Nothing soothed her like it did. Even if it was for a few hours, Namjoo wanted to forget everything.   

When the wine came, Namjoo searched the cupboards for a wine glass and rinsed it real well before drying it with some paper towel. She took her time pouring the red wine into the wine glass before setting it aside. In minutes she drained the glass before pouring herself another cup and that was when her phone rang. Though a little paranoid and disturbed she found herself staring at the unknown number on the screen. She gulped a little and gripped her fingers around the wine glass nervously before answering.

“Hello?”

“Guess who this is?” that taunting voice echoed in Namjoo’s ears.

Her hands shook and she was unable to bat an eyelid. The terrible warmth of tears aroused in her eyes, but she refused to let them fall.

“W…what do you want?” Namjoo’s voice as well as her lips trembled.

What had happened half a year ago was her shadow every step of the way. Namjoo felt like a prisoner unable to escape.

“Ah…I just want to let you know Tae Joon and I will be getting married next week,” a hint of satisfied victory at how she was able to shake Namjoo up vibrated through the receiver. “And we would love to see you at our wedding venue at the Seoul Hotel.”

In that instant everything around Namjoo became deaf to her senses. The cry she had been holding back dropped from her lips. Her fingers went white from gripping onto the wine glass and she could only grip onto it with even more strength before she felt the tears shudder down her face. Namjoo felt her nails dig into her bloody palm when the wine glass broke and the rest of it shattered on the ground with such an echo she was unable to hear. Something heavy dropped behind her, but Namjoo was unable to react to it. She only continued to grip onto the phone by her ear while crying silently.

*****

Sehun felt his eyes go wide when he heard the wine glass crack before its body fell against the floor. The blood that dripped along with it caught his horrid attention and he felt the towel along with the beer can fall on the floor. His lips fell apart. His mind was telling him to do something, but his body remained still. Sehun found himself hesitating. Helping her would mean he was showing kindness, he didn’t want to show anyone kindness. He didn’t want to get close to anyone.

A long minute went by like that before he suddenly stepped forward to search through the drawers for anything he could use. Discovering a rag he ran it through warm water before turning around to see the tear streaked woman. His eyes planted themselves onto her face before glancing at the bleeding hand of hers. Sehun eyed her again before turning her hand over to check for any signs of pieces of glass that could have penetrated her. Luckily he only discovered a few and plucked them out before wrapping her hand with the towel. After carefully tying it around her hand he left to go search the tiny closet in the hall for a broom and when he returned, she was no longer in the kitchen.

Sehun glanced around confused before he spotted the cellphone on the floor. Picking it up he set it on the kitchen table before busying himself to cleaning the remains on the floor. Carefully placing it into a paper bag he found he placed it beside the garbage and picked up the beer of can he’d dropped earlier. Setting it on the table he glanced around once more and wondered if she had received some kind of call.

He almost walked out before he realized the door to the veranda was pulled open. Sehun again hesitated about what he wanted to do. Slowly making his way toward the veranda he promised himself he would only remind her to get some proper bandage for her hand then leave.

A chilly breeze warped by when he stepped out onto the solid veranda guarded by black rails. The noise of traffic below was loud and disturbing. Within a few seconds that noise became drowned out by the harsh sobbing beside him. Namjoo was sitting against the ledge with knees up to her chest. The smeared tears on her face had glued her hair messily to her cheeks, over her eyes, and across her nose. This childish sobbing was all he heard from her as she clenched her bloody hand into a fist and held it against her head. Sehun thought she might start hyperventilating then he noticed that her hands were shaking.

After a moment of watching her Sehun couldn’t help, but turn away. She looked awful and for some reason it made him upset. Either she reminded him of him, or this sight told him she was a person to feel even sorrier for.

It looked like it had rained just seconds ago. Namjoo’s face was as drenched in tears as she had been drenched in the rain. And Sehun suddenly realized why he didn’t like the rain now. It made a person look much lonelier than they should be.

Sehun turned away to go, but stopped when she shot her hand out to grab the bottom of his pants.

“Don’t go,” she cried.

Sehun glanced down at her with much sympathy and he felt her release her grasp on him. He was really stuck now. Glancing up into the clear evening sky he lowered himself to sit in front of her. The bloody hand of hers shook as she reached for his shoulder and clawed his shirt up into the palm of her hand. He could still feel her shaking even as she dug her face into his shoulder. Namjoo cried for a really long time.