One goddamned thing about the truth, is that it hurts. So much. And that in some point you’ll find yourself really mad about it, but you can’t do anything because no matter how much you turn, twist, topple it all over, it’s still what it is. The truth.

So Donghae only believes himself, because his thoughts are the only truths he can accept.

-

“Hyukjae is seeing someone.”

They’re in a local bookstore, with Donghae searching for some books he could read and Kyuhyun part time working in the said place. Their conversation starts with the awkward hi and hello, some questions asking how they were doing until Kyuhyun groans because talking to Donghae wasn’t that difficult before and could they please just forget about Siwon (because apparently, Donghae thinks Kyuhyun is mad at him the same way his boyfriend is.) The chat became less tense and more comfortable after that, until Donghae mentioned about another surprise he’s preparing for Hyukjae and Kyuhyun frowned, uneasiness evident on his face again. Donghae noticed and questioned why and Kyuhyun was hesitant at first but he then eventually gave in.

“Hyukjae is seeing someone.”

The confession is met by utter silence. Donghae’s eyes fixed on Kyuhyun’s rueful ones. His jaw clenches and unclenches, gaze unwavering and searching for any signs of playfulness, something that would indicate that Kyuhyun is just kidding and messing around with him. But there’s no hint of pun or mischief, only apology and pity.

But Donghae tells himself that he didn’t see that.

He smiles and secures the books in his one arm, letting his free hand grace the books for each shelf, searching for more books he could read. He manages not to sound too affected. “Seeing someone? You mean new recruits or potential competitions and—“

“Donghae, I mean in exactly as how you honestly think it is.”, Kyuhyun says and Donghae’s grip tightens around the book he’s reaching in one of the shelves. He gulps, unable to meet the other’s face as he forces a smile.

“So he’s really out to find new members? Well that’s great—“

“Donghae.”, the way Kyuhyun’s voice sounds so stern scares Donghae. “Hyukjae is dating someone.”       

It takes every ounce of Donghae’s self-restraint for not throwing the book he’s holding right on Kyuhyun’s face.  He presses his lips together, calming himself before facing Kyuhyun, a strained smile on his face.

“You’re just saying that because you’re mad at me.”, Donghae says coolly, fetching one last book before walking towards the counter. It takes Kyuhyun a while to get over his shock and quickly follows Donghae.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”, he asks the brunette, keeping up with his phase.

“You’re Hyukjae’s friend and I cheat on him, so you hate me. And now you’re telling me this because you want to hurt me.”, Donghae answers nonchalantly and Kyuhyun’s eyes grow wide.

“You’re my friend too!”, he defends and Donghae shrugs.

“You’re his friend first.”

“You guys are together for seven years! Yes we’re his friends first but those seven years made you our friend too! I’m your friend, Donghae!”, he defends and jumps a little when Donghae slams the books on the counter, ignoring the curious looks the other costumers are giving them.

“Then you shouldn’t lie to me.”, he says quietly and Kyuhyun snorts. He walks over the counter and faces the brunette, his expression mildly irritated.

“I’m not lying, okay? We were together last weekend, with Siwon, Jongwoon-hyung and Ryeowook. Hyukjae brought the guy with him. They’re not together yet but it’s obvious that they like each other. He’s a member of the dance team and—“

“Can you just punch these over?”, Donghae raises his voice, referring to the books before them.  Kyuhyun looks taken aback, but he does what he’s told and wraps the books for Donghae.

“Thank you.”, the brunette says  coldly when Kyuhyun hands him his purchase and yet before he could grab it out of his hold, the other speaks.

“Donghae.”, And Kyuhyun isn’t able to say a word after that because he doesn’t know what there is to say. Donghae tightens his jaw, snatching the bag from Kyuhyun’s grasp and bowing his head curtly, as if the action he did beforehand isn’t rude.

“It’s nice to see you, Kyuhyun.”, he says before walking out of the shop. He leaves with hurried footsteps, refusing to hear anything from Kyuhyun.

His eyes sting and his knees feel weak, but Donghae keeps on walking and pushes the thoughts away.

Kyuhyun’s words echo inside his head and they prick, but Donghae tells himself that he didn’t hear. He didn’t feel that either.

-

Donghae feels he’s waiting for nothing but Hyukjae promised him he’ll be back, that he’ll just need time to collect himself and when he’s done, he’ll have Donghae again. Hyukjae told him he loves him. Hyukjae hold him and kissed him.

Hyukjae cared for him and Donghae believes he still does.

So he hangs on with those words and acknowledges nothing else.

Hyukjae doesn’t pick his calls up anymore, but Donghae keeps holding on.

-

“Oh, I’m really sorry Donghae. But we’re on the final week of rehearsals before our first showcase this weekend. I can’t afford to leave.”

He just turned down another invite, but Donghae shakes his head to say that Hyukjae shouldn’t be sorry and then he remembers they’re on the phone so he quickly answers.

“It’s okay! I understand. And wow, this is your first stage with the team, right?”, he says, suddenly feeling a bit upset because he only learned about it right now. But then again, Hyukjae is really busy, that’s why he forgot to tell him.

“Yes it is! They’re going to use my choreography in one of the performances too.”, the other informs, excitement apparent on his voice and Donghae feels his heart swell.

“That’s great Hyukjae. I’m happy for you!”

“Thanks!”

“So umm..”, Donghae hesitates before asking away. “Do you think I can go and watch you?”

The quietness that followed makes Donghae nervous, but it eventually dissipates when Hyukjae responds.

“Of course! I’ll reserve you a ticket!”

-

The excitement he feels for the last two days disappears when Hyukjae tells him the tickets for the event were sold out. He doesn’t bother hiding his sadness because he really is and Hyukjae profusely apologizes because he couldn’t do anything.

“I’m sorry! I didn't know there'll be no available tickets. Members could actually bring one but.. I’ve always wanted to show Mom this stage so…” Hyukjae trails off and Donghae immediately stops sulking. He knows how Hyukjae’s mom is the dancer’s forever number one fan, Donghae never contest to that.

“Don’t apologize! It’s alright, I’m just being.. well.”, he says sheepishly, and because he’s too embarrassed for acting like that he reaches for his coffee and drinks, attempting to hide his blush. They’re currently in a coffee shop near the dance studio Hyukjae’s group is rehearsing. Donghae decided to visit him and take him away for lunch and Hyukjae wasn’t able to say no.

A sigh of relief comes out of Hyukjae’s lips and he smiles, one gummy smile that still makes Donghae yearn to reach and kiss the living daylights out. He smiles back and suddenly all the pent up uncertainties and frustration disappears. This is all Donghae needs.

A quiet afternoon, a gummy grin, scarlet cheeks and.. Hyukjae.

Hyukjae’s phone beeps and Donghae’s moment of euphoria meets its end.

“I have to go back.”, he says repentantly and Donghae winces a bit because he’s been seeing that expression lately and he doesn’t like it. He wants to say that Hyukjae hasn’t even touch his food, and that not even thirty minutes had passed but instead he smiles and nods his head, wishing Hyukjae good luck with the rehearsal and the showcase he wouldn’t be able to see.

Hyukjae wavers but then he speaks. “I’ll make up to you!”, insisting that he’ll pay the bill and telling Donghae that they’ll meet up once this is all done. It’s a promise.

Somehow it pacifies Donghae. Somehow.

Hyukjae’s halfway towards the door when Donghae calls.

“Hyukjae!”

The dancer turns and quirks an eyebrow. Donghae isn’t even aware he’s on his feet. He gulps, plucks up the courage and speaks.

“Can we see each other after the showcase?”, he says and before Hyukjae’s face makes another one of that expression Donghae hates, he quickly adds. “I’ll cook for you! Dinner! In.. y-your place.”, he says and he must have looked so pathetic because there goes that look he doesn’t want to see--

“Okay.”

There’s a soft smile on Hyukjae’s face and something Donghae can’t distinguish, but Hyukjae said yes and that is all he needs.

Hyukjae is all he needs.

“Okay.”

-

He thinks it’s overly done with the scented candles and the background music so he’s glad he crosses out the scattered petals o