a/n: please forgive this word vomit of one more chance basha and popoy feels ;; 

When love ends, how long should you hold on?

He plans to bury himself on his sheets and wallow in sadness for the entire day, forever sounds good too. But the persistent knocks and not to mention calls from his landlord informing him about the complaints his neighbors are sending because of.. the persistent knocks, Donghae’s left with no choice but to open the door.

He isn’t completely surprised when he sees Kyuhyun, with a bashful Ryeowook standing behind him. Donghae’s surprised though, when a pail of ice cream is shoved on his chest. His eyes immediately shift from the bucket to Kyuhyun.

“I don’t care what ever you’re going to say but we’re your friends and we won’t let you kill yourself. So whether you like it or not, we’re coming in.”

And then Kyuhyun’s inside his living room, followed by still a hesitant Ryeowook and although Donghae just really wants to be alone, he lets them. Besides, he thinks he doesn’t have the strength to argue anyway.

He doesn’t have the will to do anything.

Because doing requires thinking, and thinking will only lead him to more thoughts about Hyukjae.

And then he’ll remember the blaring reality that.. Hyukjae doesn’t want him anymore.

-

“I didn’t actually see how Hyukjae looked like before but judging your appearance now, I can pretty much imagine how it was.”

“Kyu!”, Ryeowook nudges the younger and walks over Donghae who plops himself on his bed as soon as he places the ice cream in his fridge. “Are you okay?”, Ryeowook utters softly and Kyuhyun snorts.

“Oh please Wook, this isn’t a time for jokes.”

The quip amazingly makes Donghae chuckle and Ryeowook is marginally torn if he should be relieved that Donghae is laughing or be even more worried that albeit the chortle, he still sounds so sad.

“How did you guys know anyway?”, Donghae asks and turns to Ryeowook, whose breath hitches at the full sight of the other’s bloodshot eyes and lifeless face. Ryeowook attempts to answer but he feels a tight knot in his throat and Donghae smiles bitterly because his friend is giving him that face he dislikes so much. Does he look so pathetic? So pitiful that all people feels sorry for him?

“Hyukjae told me.”, Kyuhyun explains and Donghae stills at the mention of his name. “Well I called him and asked about you and.. yeah, he told me.”

Donghae wants to ask if Hyukjae asked Kyuhyun of anything, if he told him to take care of Donghae or to check if he’s doing fine. Donghae wants to know if Hyukjae is worried, if he’s wondering how Donghae’s coping up or if he’s thinking about him even just for split second. Donghae wants to ask if Hyukjae’s missing him.. but he never dares to throw out his questions because he already knows the answers.

Hyukjae didn’t.

He didn’t ask, didn’t worry, didn’t wonder, and didn’t even think. He didn’t miss Donghae either.

Because Hyukjae is moving on while Donghae stays stranded.

Hyukjae learns to pick up the pieces and Donghae remains rooted on the same spot.

It wasn’t Hyukjae who walked away last night, but Donghae knows that this time, he’s the one who’s been left behind.

-

“I won’t kill myself, if that’s what you guys are fussing over”, Donghae tells his two friends as they successfully bring him in the kitchen.

“We know you won’t, because if you would, you’re probably dead by now.” Kyuhyun utters as he rummages over the fridge in search for food.

“Kyu, cut it out.”, Ryeowook tells the youngest as he heats a pan. Kyuhyun faces him, his expression feigning innocence and Ryeowook rolls his eyes, Kyuhyun has always been blunt. The tall guy pulls out some crab meat and vegetables, while Ryeowook starts frying omelets, Donghae watches them in silence, faintly regretting the fact that he just told them the last time he have eaten was yesterday’s lunch, right before he went to Hyukjae’s apartment to set up their dinner.

He feels his chest constricting upon the reminder of last night, which leads to the events this morning. He swallows painfully and leans his back on his chair, keeping his stare on his friends and yet his mind is wandering elsewhere.

“What would you do..”, he whispers, but the apartments too quiet for Kyuhyun and Ryeowook not to hear that. They both turn their heads and look at Donghae, whose gaze now on his hands on the table, fingers fiddling as he tries to choke out the words.

“What would you do.. if your boyfriends tell you that..”, he presses his lips together and gulps, his jaw clenching, his eyes shutting. He opens his eyes and looks back at his friends, a small smile on his face and yet his expression screams of torment. “that they just can’t.. be with you anymore?”

He chokes on his last word, his voice cracking. He presses his fist on his lips for a moment, blinking back the tears and keeping himself calm.

But the words just keep on coming out.

And so are the feelings.

“I know it’s my fault.. because I cheated.”, his voice broken, but not as shattered as his heart. “I know I deserve this, and these are consequences of what I did but—“ he clenches his fist tightly, his eyes getting blurry as he stares at his knuckles. “W-Why..”, Donghae whispers and tears start to fall. He can barely see anything and his chest hurts and his eyes and so is his everything.

He bites his bottom lip, tears cascading endlessly on his face as he looks back at Ryeowook and Kyuhyun, the two haven’t seen a man so helpless and.. broken.

“Why can’t he just love me again?”,Donghae utters with a whimper and perhaps that’s all it takes before he breaks down and cry. His palms are covering his face, his shoulders shaking violently and loud sobs reverberates through the entire apartment. Kyuhyun hurries to his side and hugs him, Ryeowook turning the stove off and running to Donghae so he can calm him down.

He continues to sob, clutching tightly on Kyuhyun’s shirt as he drenches the clothing with his tears. Kyuhyun pats him and try to alleviate him, Ryeowook mutters assurances that he’s going to be fine.

In the middle of the sorrowful whimpers and damp eyes, a very crumbled, very desperate phrase slips out of Donghae’s lips.

“I just.. really really love him.”, he mutters against Kyuhyun’s shoulder and Ryeowook places a palm on his lips to muffle his own sob. Kyuhyun closes his eyes for a moment and nods, holding Donghae tighter.

“I love him so much.”, he whispers and cries even more.

The words stop.

But not the tears, or the feelings.

And certainly not his breaking heart, which albeit being torn beyond repair, still continues to yearn for that one person who can never take him back.

-

It’s one of those rare days their schedules aren’t too demanding and conflicting that when Siwon called and asked for them to hang out for lunch, Hyukjae and Jongwoon answered yes.

Hyukjae sits quietly, slicing the chunks of meat with his fork as he listens to Siwon and Jongwoon’s conversation. It’s mostly about business and since he’s no entrepreneur himself, he stays silent. He doesn’t feel like talking anyways.

“Hey Hyukjae, Hyuk!”, he isn’t even aware he’s drifting off somewhere else until Siwon’s voice pulls him out of his reverie. “You okay?”

He nods, realizing his friends aren’t talking anymore. He smiles and nods again, taking a bite of his lunch for the first time. It tastes bland.

Siwon shrugs, munches on his serving of roast beef before carrying on with his statement. “As I was saying, I really like your new boyfriend for you, Hyuk.”

“Huh?”, Hyukjae asks, and Siwon gulps everything down before facing him.

“Sungmin-ssi. I can tell he’s a good guy.”

“You’ve only met him once.”, Jongwoon remarks.

“Twice.”

Jongwoon snorts. “Yes and that sure says a lot.”

“Shut up hyung.”, Siwon whines. “But yeah, getting back on our topic, Sungmin seems to be a really great guy. He’s like the type that would not mess around with you, so don’t let him go, okay? You’ve hit the jackpot with that one, it’s for the best.”, Siwon utters, even gesturing a thumbs up and Hyukjae just smiles, nodding his head and Siwon grins back. Jongwoon sighs but says nothing, indulging himself with his corn soup.

Siwon opens another topic and Jongwoon’s sardonic remarks pull them in another conversation while Hyukjae continues chomping his tasteless lunch, unconsciously sipping in his own world again as he ponders.

Eyes decorated with thick eyeliner and a charming face with the brightest smile he has ever seen, Hyukjae thinks it’s definitely great to have Sungmin.

He lets out a soft smile, his mind as clear as the day.

No mist, no contradictions, no ambiguity.

Yes, having Sungmin is definitely for the best.

How soon should you let go?

A week of locking himself inside his apartment and Donghae says he’s done crying. It’s not like it doesn’t hurt anymore, but he figures mourning over Hyukjae won’t bring the other back. He still hates himself, he knows he deserves the pain he’s currently going through, but he wants to stop being pathetic and cry over something he caused himself. Hyukjae learned to get back on track and Donghae believes so will he. It’ll just take time, though lots of it, but Donghae knows he can.

That’s what he tells Kyuhyun and Ryeowook, that’s what he wants to make himself believe.

No one has to know that every night, when the lights are off and he’s all alone, fresh tears replace the dry ones on his pillow. No one has to know about the damp face, or the quiet sobs.

No one has to know how much he still cries at night.

-

“Where are we going?”, Donghae asks as he finds himself in the back of a taxi cab with Kyuhyun.

“Out.”, Kyuhyun simply states and when Donghae stares at him for a few seconds he adds. “To eat, play, have fun? The point is you have to get out.”

“I’m going out.”

“I don’t mean the market or the convenient store or wherever there is that you necessarily have to go. You’re going out. You’re going to enjoy yourself.”

“Kyuhyun, I’m fine now.”, Donghae tells his friend and Kyuhyun just shrugs.

“All the more reason you have to go out, right? Come on, there’ll be a live band performing later in the club. Don’t worry, Hyukjae isn’t going to be there.”, Kyuhyun informs and Donghae winces.

“I don’t think your friends want to see me, anyways.”, he utters instead, a bitter smile displaying on his face.

“Oh you mean Siwon? Don’t worry about that, I’ll take care of him.”, Kyuhyun assures before grinning at him.

Donghae isn’t sure if this is a good idea. He doesn’t need parties, or alcohol, or even a local band. Whatever happens in that club tonight wouldn’t change the state he’s in. He’s still sad, and empty, his heart still shattered and irreparable. It wouldn’t change anything.

There’s nothing that would.

-

There is.

Now he fully understands what Hyukjae meant before, about having that pain that only gets worse every day. Donghae realizes that hurt is a lot like love. A lot like all the other emotions a person has the capacity to perceive. One day you can be filled with unfathomable feelings for someone, and then the next day you’ll feel it isn’t as strong as the day before. And then there’s also that instances that the feelings grow, bloom, or in his case, destructs him more each day.

Donghae knows he’s already sad, empty and shattered, but he feels himself breaking into bits all over again as he catches the view of a happily laughing Hyukjae. It could have been a pretty sight with the laugh lines in the corner of his eyes, his gums peeking out when he smiles. It could have been just the way Donghae always hopes Hyukjae to be, happy and at ease, if only he wouldn’t pay attention to the way Hyukjae’s arm is hooked around another man’s waist.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know. I didn’t really-- Wook told me they just appeared in here and—God I’m so sorry!”, Kyuhyun’s freaked out face blocks his view and Donghae just stares. It takes him quite a moment and Kyuhyun panics even more as seconds pass but he finally gets a hold of himself, pulling off a timid smile to calm Kyuhyun down.

“It’s okay, I mean.. I know you didn’t mean it. Just don’t—“, Donghae tries to say but Kyuhyun already looks sorry and he flinches. Helplessly, he looks at Kyuhyun. “Please don’t make that face.”, he whispers and Kyuhyun furrows his brows in confusion before staring in shock upon the comprehension of the other’s words. He shakes his head and attempts to muster the best poker face he could pull off.

“Hae..”

“I’ll go first.”, he tells Kyuhyun and there’s an outburst of chortle he recognizes to be Hyukjae’s. Quickly his eyes scan for his direction, but as he does so, Kyuhyun blocks his sight.

Kyuhyun’s face is devoid of any emotion, but he’s shaking his head slowly and telling him that no, no Donghae.

At first, he thought that Kyuhyun is preventing him to see Hyukjae. But then another fits of chuckle resonates and he figures that Kyuhyun isn’t just blocking him from Hyukjae. He’s also shielding him from seeing how joyful Hyukjae is, how Hyukjae is merry and contented in the arms of another. Donghae swallows painfully, smiling bitterly as he tells Kyuhyun he has to go.

His knees are weak and the steps are heavy, the exit seems to be a long road ahead even if it’s just a few meters away. He wants to hurry his steps but at the same time he couldn’t, his strength to move forward dwindling as the clock ticks, literally and metaphorically. The comfort his pillows and blankets bring lull him to walk faster, back to that place he can be himself, where no one else will know he’s crying and there’ll be no pitying glances directed at him. Yes. He has to rush.

He’s almost out of the door when he hears his voice.

“Donghae.”

Donghae thinks this must be how it felt like. Back then, over a year ago, when Hyukjae’s rushing to leave and he calls him out. This must be how it felt for Hyukjae, when he heard Donghae called his name. The feeling that you want to face him because after what felt like eternity, you hear your name slipped out of those lips again. It is when you want to turn around and see his face, but at the same time there’s that horrifying feeling that once you do, you’ll have to meet the hurt. You’ll have to face the truth.

He’s trembling and he really wants to go. But the urge to see Hyukjae, even just a glance, even just a mere second of it, wills him to turn around.

Even if he knows it’ll hurt.

“Hi.”, he utters in a low voice, a smile on his face. He catches Kyuhyun behind Hyukjae and he nods his head once to say he’s fine. There’s a quick frown that mars Kyuhyun’s face but it disappears just as fast as it shows, leaving his expression blank and Donghae ponders it must be Kyuhyun masking his emotions. Because he knows Donghae doesn’t want to see that particular look again.

Especially now.

“How are you?”

Donghae looks back at Hyukjae and finds him making that face, that one he told Kyuhyun to stop doing, that one he hates so much. He wants to answer him honestly, wants to tell him what’s been going on really.

I’m upset. I’m sad. I feel broken into tiny bits and irreparable. I’m scared. I’m grieving. I’m missing you. I still want you to take me back. I love you.

I’m not okay..

“I’m fine.”, he bluffs, keeping the smile and staring back at Hyukjae. He sees the other hesitates, probably not believing such an obvious lie but Hyukjae speaks none about it.

“Listen, about the last time, I’m really sorry—“

“You guys look good together.”, Donghae blurts out even before he can stop himself. For a moment Hyukjae’s perplexed, but he hears the familiar set of laughter from behind and he immediately understands.

“He makes you happy.” Donghae states, not a question but a statement, yet Hyukjae nods at it.

Another fits of chuckles echoes and Donghae smiles sadly as he adds. “Even Siwon seems to like him very much.”

Hyukjae sees the pain that crosses Donghae’s features so he feels the need to alleviate the other, even though he doesn’t really have any idea how.

“Come on.”, he manages to say, tapping Donghae’s arm lightly. “Siwon liked you too.”

Hyukjae only realizes how wrong that statement is when he hears it himself. He tries to take it back, but he knows it’s too late when Donghae speaks.

“That was before I cheated on you.”

Hyukjae has his bottom lip between his teeth, feeling utterly stupid.

“Hae..”

“It’s funny how..”, Donghae’s voice trails off and Hyukjae keeps quiet to let the other talk. He doesn’t trust his mouth, and besides he wants to hear what Donghae has to say.

Donghae speaks, Hyukjae listens, but none of them seems ready for the words.

“It’s funny how.. we keep on saying goodbye.” Donghae speaks, uncertain why he’s suddenly talking about this one when he can just pretend that it doesn’t hurt. “I walked away before, and then I came back but you didn’t take me in completely. And then I waited, and you moved forward. Then I walked away again, because you can’t be with me anymore.”

Hyukjae listens, because it’s the only thing he could do.

“We’ve been saying goodbye a lot of times, we’re not supposed to care about each other anymore.. and yet you’re still here, still apologizing in case you’ve hurt me the last time we talked, while I let it happen and keep on talking to you even if I know it’ll just be more… excruciating.”

And then Donghae understands.

That the reason why he is letting his heart speaks this time is because there couldn’t be any other time.

This could be the only time.

“I’ve been saying goodbye but..”, the tears are clouding his vision again, and he clears his throat as he attempts to voice out the verses. “I just can’t make myself ready to leave.”, he admits and Hyukjae’s breath hitches.

“Donghae—“

“No let me talk.”, he interrupts quickly, raising his palm and stopping Hyukjae’s attempt to do anything. “Let me talk please. Because I don’t know when will I ever find the courage to tell you this again.”

Hyukjae presses his lips together and Donghae wipes the tear that recklessly falls.

He gulps a few more times, his expression telling he seems to be contemplating over something before he finally lets it out.

“I still love you.”, he utters the confession in a low, croaked voice. He dares to look back at Hyukjae before adding. “And I thought there’s still a chance but right now.. I couldn’t deny the fact that I am just hoping for nothing.”

He’s crying and he feels defeated but he knows he has to say this so they can completely move on.

So he can completely move on.

“I finally figure out that.. Sungmin makes you happy. And that you love him, I can see..”, he states, tears running down freely on his cheeks. “Because you hold him the way you held me.”, Donghae smiles bitterly at the recollection of the scene earlier. “Because you look at him like how you used to look at me.”, his voice breaks and he has to press his lips together and quickly wipes the tears away.

He continues to get rid of the waterworks that flow endlessly with his eyes on the floor, words coming out again as he does. “I still love you and I’m sorry for everything and..”, he lifts his gaze and meet Hyukjae’s. Take me back. “I’m letting you go..”

He smiles albeit the tears and turns around. This is it. This is really goodbye.

A tear falls and Hyukjae feels like going after Donghae, but people starts to crowd the door way and all he sees is his retreating back. He tries to call him, he doesn’t know why, but when he attempts to speak a voice calls for his name.

“Hyukjae?”

He swerves his body and finds Sungmin, beautiful and a bit confused. He comes closer and holds his arm, a small frown appearing on his forehead.

“Something’s wrong?”, he asks and Hyukjae opens his mouth to say something only to close it again because his mind is suddenly blank. He looks at Sungmin, dashing and perfect and concern. Hyukjae smiles and shakes his head, hauling the man closer.

“Nothing.”, he whispers. “Nothing’s wrong.”

Perhaps this is really it.

Seven years of memories. Seven years of Donghae.

This is really goodbye.

How do you move on?

It takes time, a lot of it, but eventually Donghae learns that he isn’t pretending anymore when he says he’s doing fine. Of course it is hard, and certain things still reminds him of Hyukjae, but day by day he wills himself to get better because he knows wallowing in this pain for longer will just make it worse than it already is.

He starts with getting rid of everything that holds memories with his past relationship. He puts down the pictures, takes off recipes of Hyukjae’s favorite dishes on his fridge, stops wearing every clothes that belongs to him, and even deletes anything in his internet browser history that has to do with his ex. It’s more of a vain attempt since he knows that even if he burns those things away, he wouldn’t be able to escape the seven years of memories, but it’s definitely a start. It’s going to be hard, and still painful, but he knows it’s going to be worth it.

Hyukjae moved on, he should too.

He puts those seven—eight years with Hyukjae and seals it. He places it in one of his kitchen cupboards and sighs.

Here’s to a start of new life.

-

He applies for a new job, finally getting use of his CPA license after years of practice in a small firm. He even changes his wardrobe and meets up new friends, having Kyuhyun and Ryeowook throw him jeers that he forgot all about them on occasions. He chuckles at that but promises he’ll see to it that he c