Because Distance
Love Grows With Separation
“Why? Why won’t you do it?”
“Ji Eun – “
“The offer was extended to both of us! You said it yourself. It’s an amazing opportunity, and someone would have to be insane to give it up.” I could hear it myself. My voice started to rise in pitch and hints of desperation and pleading crept in, making my voice shake. It felt horrible to sound like that, but at this point, nothing mattered anymore.
Seunghyun met my gaze for a moment before looking away, his dark eyes cold and uncaring. “Then call me insane. I’m not going to study overseas.”
“Seunghyun!”
“That’s final, Ji Eun. I’m not going.”
Seunghyun’s POV
I could see the frustration and desperation in her eyes as she stared at me. It was hard, very hard, to look into those eyes of hers and not tell her anything. It had always been hard.
A long moment of silence stretched between us before Ji Eun spoke up. “Why won’t you go?” Out of the corner of my eye, I could see her small hand reach for mine. I could feel the soft, delicate warmth of her skin against mine and felt my arm being lifted up and towards her. “I want us to be together…”
In that moment, like all the other moments, I wanted to tell her. I wanted to tell her about my father, the terminal illness he’d had, and how he’d left all of his debts to me after he’d died. I wanted to tell her about the loan sharks – the ones I’d had to go to just to pay off what I could – the ones I owed money to. I wanted to tell Ji Eun what I was thinking, how much I agreed with her, how much I wanted to be with her, how much I loved her.
But then I thought of how her face would fall and her lip would quiver, and her eyes would brim with tears that would eventually fall to dampen her rosy cheeks. I thought of how the twinkle in her eyes would flicker and snuff out, of how she’d cry for me and throw up the overseas scholarship.
Ji Eun was right. It was an amazing opportunity, and you’d have to be crazy to give it up. I couldn’t let her do that for me.
“Why not? Can’t I just not want to go?”
Ji Eun’s POV
“Why not? Can’t I just not want to go?”
With that, I pulled my hand away from his, as reluctant as the action was. My hand immediately felt cold and empty, like I’d taken off my favorite glove and thrown it away. “Sure.” I muttered. I started to take a few steps back and saw Seunghyun turn back to look at me.
“Sure. You can ‘just not want to go’, The same way you just ‘don’t want to tell me’ why you come to school with bruises. Or how you ‘just stayed out late’ when you don’t answer any calls and fall asleep every five minutes.” For a moment, I thought Seunghyun flinched, but his expression didn’t change. Seeing that only upset me more.
“You never open up to me. You never tell me anything – never let me know anything about you. What do I know? You’re Choi Seunghyun, 18, one of the top scholars, and my boyfriend. You like black, and grey, and violet, and chartreuse, and just about every color there is in the world. You love to eat everything, do everything, say everything. You never tell me what you like! You never open up… I know more about my pet fish than about you.” I stopped to take a breath, panting a bit from yelling so much.
I didn’t know anything about him. He agreed with everything, did everything, and at the same time, nothing. He wouldn’t tell me anything about himself, only directing my questions back at me. I’d never argued before because I loved him and I didn’t want to push him. But this time, just this time, I would tell him what I thought. Just to see what he would do.
And still, Seunghyun stood there, quiet, avoiding my gaze. “…Are you done?”
I turned to look away from him. “Yeah. I’m done.” I shoved my hands in my coat pockets and clenched the fabric tight in my hands. It didn’t help. “I’m done. With everything.”
Seunghyun’s POV
As Ji Eun walked away, I had to force myself to stand still. My feet wanted to follow her, my hands wanted to pull her back, my mouth wanted to call out to her – but I couldn’t let myself do that. It took all of my energy to let her walk away.
Maybe I overdid it. Maybe I’ve kept my secrets from her for too long. I wanted to tell her, I really did.
I wanted to let her know everything about me – to be the first person I let into my life.
But I couldn’t bear to see her sad; to see her smile slip, and her eyes lose their twinkle, and her tears fall. I never wanted to upset her, never wanted her to be anything but happy.
Perhaps that backfired.
Watching Ji Eun leave, I wondered if I really should just leave with her. I would be getting a scholarship – I could get a job, make money, and send it back to pay off my father’s debts. I could be with Ji Eun.
I realized then that I didn’t want to be without her. I didn’t want to live without her in my life.
I loved Ji Eun.
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