I was useless. I am nothing.

I was ruined. I am broken.

That girl. The girl I love.

She was drifting away. Far away.

Physically… And mentally.

 

I was useless.

She was there. She was always there, beside me. But I never realized it before. I was drowned in my mind. I was thinking that she always ignored me. That she had no time for me. When actually, it was me who didn’t gave her a chance to talk or spend time with me. Because I was afraid. I was a coward. I was nothing but useless.

 

I was ruined.

Both physically and mentally.

She was there. Always there. Yet I have never given her—myself a chance. A chance to prove my love to her. A chance to tell her that I love her.

I was late. I was too damn late. I was a coward. She loves somebody. She marries somebody. Somebody that’s not even me.

A man I don’t even know that much. That I only know is that he’s a promising husband. He is handsome, way too handsome than I am; he has a permanent job; he has a good family, and also comes from a wealth family; and the other good things. You mention. But I didn’t even know if he cares about her. I didn’t even know if he really loves her.

But what am I to prevent the wedding? I was nothing in the first place. I was not her boyfriend. I was too late.

Out of all places, they have to wed in Korea. Why? I didn’t know. She always said that she wants to go to Korea. And why not? Her fiancé is wealthy anyways.

I was late. I didn’t mean to be late. I just thought too much about myself. I regret too much. I was stressed, and depressed. So I drink a little bit a night before. And ‘drink-a-little-bit’ turned out to be 3 bottles.  I was drunk that night. And I woke up late. I woke up 1 hour right before my flight to Korea. I couldn’t prepare for anything. I just brought my suit and drove off to the airport.

I could have made it. I could have made it to airport. I could have made it to Korea. I could have made it to her wedding. I could have seen her wearing a wedding dress. I could have seen her happy when she was there. But who am I to decide?

As I thought too much about my flight, it turned out that I still have a hangover.  I was literally rushing to the airport. I even drove 200 km/h in a crowded highway. When I was accelerating, dizziness came through me. My sight started to blur. I shook my head to make it disappear. But I was too late to return my eyesight.

My car was crashed to another car.

“Mr. Luhan? Are you awake?” said someone with a soft voice. She remembers me of my mom. Her voice is exactly the same with hers. Her tone of voice is the same with hers.

“Oh, yeah. I’m actually awake.” I opened my eyes. But nothing really changes. It was dark. Or was it only my feeling that I opened my eyes? “But why can’t I open my eyes?” I tried to blink. Nothing changes.

“Oh… Um… Your eyes are already opened, Mr. Luhan.”  What does this mean?

“Please don’t joke around, miss. I can’t see anything. How in the world my eyes opened if I can’t see anything?” I laughed awkwardly.

“That’s because you’re blind, Mr. Luhan. I’m so sorry to tell you this.”

I can’t believe this. I am not blind! I can see black around me!

“Oh, do you have any relatives or acquaintances to call to?”

“No. Sorry.”

 I didn’t know why I said no. Clearly I could contact my parents—or even her. But I wouldn’t want to worry my parents. They might have a heart attack. I also wouldn’t want to worry her. In her wedding day—in her important day—in her once-in-a-lifetime event. I wouldn’t want that to happen.

I didn’t even know why I said sorry to the person that asked me before. I was not in the position to say sorry. I was in a position to be sorry for. I was ruined.

I was pathetic.

I couldn’t meet her. I couldn’t even see her.

People said that if you love someone, and that someone loves another person, you have to let them go.

I want to let her go. I mean it. I was determined to go to Korea, to come to her wedding, to set her off to her now-husband. But how can I do all of that if I can’t even go and see her? How can I do that if I was too late to do that?

 

I really want to see her. The last time I see her is the day before the wedding. We were fighting. Fighting over one little thing. I was mad at her because she kept blabbering about her husband, her in-laws, her wedding, her honeymoon, her everything. It was the biggest fight we have ever had. We were shouting at each other. She cried. She didn’t do anything wrong. She didn’t even know what she did to me. Yeah. I didn’t even confess to her at that last time. I thought that it was ridiculous to confess your feelings to someone that is not meant for you.

I really want to see and meet her. I really want to say sorry. I really want to see her petite body in a glamorous, beautiful wedding dress. I really want to smell her unique chocolate scented lotion. I really want to smell her vanilla shampoo on her shoulder-length wavy hair.

 I remembered her saying that flower scented perfume or shampoo or lotion or anything else is too much. She said that it makes people dizzy and it was just not for her. Even at graduation, when everyone got a bouquet, she was spraying it with some of her perfume to make the flower scent disappear. I wonder what they will use to substitute the flowers in their wedding. The thought of her spraying all of the flowers in her wedding makes me smile.

 

I want to hug her. To smell and sniff her combination of chocolate and vanilla scent that makes her smells different with the other.

 

I was too sad and depressed to just sat on a hospital bed and do nothing. So I grabbed my cane and started to stroll around the hallway.

I walked pass by some people. It’s so ironic that I didn’t bump on someone when I was blind, but my car crashed with another car when I’m still normal.

And then suddenly something interrupted my mind. Someone passed by me. Someone as tall as my shoulder. As soon as that vanilla scented hair touched my nose, I stopped on my track.

“Jia…?” I try to smell that vanilla scent again. Trying to recognize that scent.

Once the scent disappeared, I start shouting, calling her name in panic. “JIA!”

I stretch out my hand to feel someone, but nothing touches my hand. I start to face back and forth trying to smell that scent again.

Once I smell it again, I start running towards the scent. I run and run. I don’t even bother if I bump into people. My tears unconsciously form on my eyes.

Jia, why are you here? Why aren’t you marrying that man?

My tears start to drop as I smell the scent even closer. After I smell it close enough, I stretch my hand again to touch her. Once my hand touches her shoulder, I quickly say, “Jia? Is this you?”

And then my hand touches her face. She has chubby cheeks. She has a rather square jaw, and…

No. no no no. That’s not her. She doesn’t have a square jaw.

“Hey! Why are you touching my face so suddenly?! We don’t even know each other!” Her voice is very different from Jia.

“Oh I’m sorry. I found the wrong person. I really am sorry.” I bowed several times.

I still can smell the vanilla scent. I am close. And then that chocolate lotion comes in contact with my nose.

Jia. I know you are close. Please don’t run away from me. Please.

I speed walk to where my nose leads me to.

“JIA!”

I called her once I smell those familiar scents. This time, I really know that this is her. It is her. She uses that Vanilla shampoo and chocolate lotion.

I stretch my hand to touch her and grabbed her hand. I quickly bring her into my arms, trying to smell her unique choco-vanilla scent. My tears flow unstoppably.

No. No. NO!

“As much as I love being hugged by you, I think you’ve got the wrong person, sir.” A young female probably in her teens said.

I reluctantly let her go. Even if she has the same scents with Jia, she has different scent when I hugged her and when I hugged Jia.

I heard her walked further from me. Her bouncy steps.

I quickly grabbed her arm again as I cried. “Jia! You’re Jia right?! You’re lying before right?! I know you’re JIA!”

“No! I’m sorry sir. I am really not the person you are looking for!” she releases my hand on her arm and walked passed me.

As I don’t want to accept the truth, I grabbed her once again.

“If you are not Jia, where is Jia right now?! I know you know Jia! Tell me this instant!” I pull and grip her arm harder than before.

“I’M NOT THE PERSON YOU ARE LOOKING FOR, AND DO NOT KNOW WHERE OR WHO IS THE PERSON YOU ARE LOOKING FOR, MISTER. So can you please release me?! You’re hurting me!”

“Where is Jia?! I need her! I want to see…” As I said that, my voice quiet down. My grip on her arm loosens, and I slowly remove my hand. She quickly ran away from me.

Yeah. Even if I was given a chance to meet you once again, I still won’t be able to see you.

How stupid am I to even wish to see her at a time like this…

 

People might think I am crazy. Looking for a person in a blind condition, only relies on his smelling, shouting at people that smells like her.

They are not wrong. They are right. I AM crazy. I am crazy to even find someone that will not go back here in her wedding day; to find someone that will not come and see me after a big fight; to find someone and probably beg her to not marry her fiancé.

Yeah.

I am nothing. I am broken. And I am crazy.