Kyungsoo threw his bag across his bedroom and it landed on his bed. He soon followed it, closing his eyes and going limp on the familiar softness that he had left that morning for school, followed by work and a twenty minute drive home from the mall. He was exhausted, both physically and mentally. The quick thinking that he was required to make when it came to Jongin had left him frazzled and confused, but Kyungsoo was the master of pushing his emotions to the side until they all came crashing down on him when he was alone. 

 

Lights off, and still in his tight jeans, Kyungsoo made himself small. Maybe if he made himself small enough he would just disappear. Soundlessly, tears began to flow from his eyes. Hugging his knees to his chest and he squeezed his eyes shut, forcing the liquid that was gracing the rim to fall sideways down him face and on to his pillow. 

 

All I ever do is hurt others.

 

I burden everyone. 

 

I can never love anyone. 

 

Nobody deserves to have to deal with this. 

 

I am a worthless...

 

Horrid. 

 

Ugly. 

 

Mess

 

That the world is better off without.

 

Each word felt like another stab, pain that he was delivering to himself and with each thought he let out a scream from the back of his throat, tears flowing endlessly. He quieted down, panting against his pillow and letting out small whimpers. 

 

Wearing a face of stone, he stood up from his bed and walked over to a little drawr, containing exactly what he had sworn he threw away. He reached in until his hands felt a cold, metal object. Still in the darkness, he twirled the blade around a few times in his hand before finding the sharp edge and holding it against the sensitive flesh of his wrist, the darkness only making his other senses more heightened.

 

With a shaking hand, he screamed loud enough that the neighbors would probably have reason enough to call the police. He threw his hands up in the air and clenched handfuls of hair. The metal blade hit the floor with a clatter and Kyungsoo ran to his bed, putting as much distance between himself and it as humanly possible in his black room. He winced slightly as he clicked the home button on his phone and the light nearly blinded him. Speed dial. It was his only speed dial. Kyungsoo had thrown himself in a defeated and whimpering slump in his mess of blankets and pillows, rocking himself slightly as the phone rang in his ear. 

 

"Is everything okay?"

 

Kyungsoo sighed in relief at the comforting voice of the other, but continued to cry as he spoke. "C-Chanyeol it's on the floor. I want to. So bad. I deserve it."

 

"Kyungsoo, I love you. I am coming over and don't you dare pick up that blade. Every cut is a dent in perfection. Stay there, I'm on my way." Chanyeol's voice was firm yet caring and he hung up to hurry over when he heard a short noise of understanding from the other line. Chanyeol would come over. 

 

He would hug him, shower him in compliments, and take the blade away. He would stay the night to make sure Kyungsoo slept well and took all of his necessary medication. Kyungsoo trusted his best friend more than he trusted his own parents. Jongin flashed across his mind again. The boy wasn't Chanyeol, and Kyungsoo didn't know if he could take his place. He wasn't sure that he could handle everything that being close to him would inevitably come with. 

 

But as sure as Kyungsoo was that Jongin couldn't handle him, the though did, though very briefly, cross his mind that maybe he could. 

 

~~~

 

Kyungsoo woke up the next morning and squished his face up. It had been so dry from the salty tears that had covered it the day before. Sunlight was already beginning to fill the room as he stretched his arms over his head. Chanyeol always insisted that when he had his emergencies that Kyungsoo be the one to sleep on the inside of the queen bed so that Chanyeol knew when he was up and awake. With how much the boy did for him, how could Kyungsoo rationally complain? 

 

Kyungsoo nudged him gentley. "Yeollie, mall opens in an hour." 

 

"The mall can wait." Chanyeol grumbled into his pillow. The tall boy's feet hung off the end of the bed and his feet got tangled in the white cover as he turned over to face Kyungsoo. "You okay?"

 

Kyungsoo gave a weak smile. "I'm fine."

 

"Show me."

 

Kyungsoo rolled his eyes, but obliged, rolling up the sleeves on his sweater to reveal the very pale inside of his forearms. Faintly there were stark white scars, but no fresh wounds were visible. Chanyeol's face instantly lit up with joy. "Kyungsoo, I'm so proud of you." 

 

Kyungsoo just jokingly brushed his sentimental comment off, hopping over his best friend to pick up his school uniform. This was not soon before he dropped it on the ground, a grin spreading across his face. "It's Saturday."

 

Chanyeol gave a low chuckle. "That is it. Hey, if you don't have any plans today you might want to give Jongin a call. He seemed to really like you."

 

Kyungsoo bit his lip nervously. "Actually, that's what triggered me. I feel like....he doesn't deserve to have to deal with me."

 

Chanyeol's eyes went wide in genuine shock. "Kyungsoo, that boy would be the luckiest guy in the word to even get a text from you. If he can't handle it like you think, than he obviously isn't that great. Think about it!" Were the last words Chanyeol shouted as he left the room, leaving the door open. Kyungsoo's mouth turned up in the corners as he heard the door slam. 

 

How did he end up bring friends with someone so understanding and great? He did have a point about Jongin not bring worth it if he would decide to leave. Chanyeol's company leaving him more than confident, Kyungsoo picked up his phone and opened up a new message. He chose his words carefully, not wanting to seem to flirtatious right off the bat. 

 

To: Jongin
Hey! Are you free today?

 

Kyungsoo hardly had time to set his phone down before it beeped. 

 

New Message: Jongin
Yesyesteyseysys. Where? When? Soon? :D <3

Kyungsoo couldn't help but let a grin creep over his face at the other's enthusiasm. 

 

To:Jongin
Do you wanna see a movie?

 

New Message: Jongin
You and me in a dark theatre ;) Lets get there early to get good seats!

 

To:Jongin
Omg you're insane. Ok, I need some things from the mall anyway. Pick you up at four?

 

New Message: Jongin
Yay! I'm excited! And I like the idea of you picking me up;) 

 

Kyungsoo set his phone down at his table, instantly smothering the look on his face when he caught how giddy his reflection looked. Panic flooded over him when he caught the rest of his appearence. The subtle eyeliner he did wear was smeared down his cheeks. He was wearing his oldest, most comfortable pair of sweatpants along with the tight fitting, more fashionable and very uncomfortable shirt he had worn to work the day before. He peeled off all of the used clothing and tossed it in the hamper. He spent a good fourty five minutes choosing what to wear before letting all memories of the previous night run down the drain with the water of a steamy shower.

 

____________________________________________________________________

 

okay because it's school and everything, I figure that I would do more frequent but shorter chapters.

 

like most of them wont be this short this was just crazy short, i was really busy today(but not too busy for kaisoo hohoho) im sorry

 

unless you would rather me write long ones, but they definately wouldn't be out as often, probably only one or two updates a week opposed to a short entry close to daily?????????

 

also when do you guys want the ** bc just say the word your wish is my command

 

i could also make baekyeol more prominent if your into that

 

maybe even add some baekyeol

 

idk guys tell me