Draft: Exotic Fashions, A Treasured Biography

Chapter: A tale for the Grandkids

Title: EXOSPASTICISM ft. Airport

“That thing,” Chanyeol says gulping, his eyes as wide as UFO saucers from outer space, “Has touched ies.”

The twelve boys are decked out in their idea of “normal” airport fashion and standing outside one of Incheon Airport’s many stamp-duty free stores. This one happens to be a luxury lingerie store and the shop assistants are doing the best not to swoon at their utter gorgeousness and send them dirty looks. Because manly men aren’t supposed to be ogling at lacy pink bras. Suho is pretty sure that Chanyeol switches ualities every week or so since yesterday he seemed pretty gay but now he’s biual with all the winking (more like eye-twitching)  that he’s doing at every single specimen that remotely resembles a female that walks past. And that has included a random poodle with pink dye and sparkly gold ribbons in his/her hair.

W. T. F………..

“Can you stop twitching?” Baekhyun snaps irritably. He is in desperate need for some kohl eyeliner since the outfit he has gone for today is edgy rock and without his eyeliner, he feels practically .  This is all thanks to a certain lanky, Leader of the Nyan Catism Church who was too busy tripping himself over to pack anything useful. In fact, the diva is pretty sure that Chanyeol has a bottle of olive oil in there as a substitute for sunscreen (like what the heck is that supposed to do other than make you look like a living and breathing sausage) and almost a billion metal needles for self defence (no one has any idea how he’s going to attack someone with needles). How he’s going to get through security, nobody knows. The guy even has a two litre jumbo pack of rainbow coloured clay in his bright yellow suitcase.

“It’s to channel my inner Kenyan,” Chanyeol tells them seriously as they pile into Suho’s precious “kid” van which is a vehicle highly similar to a bread van used by es except from a luxury brand and black. He’s not being very convincing as everyone else nods which is the only way they can respond. Everyone else is intelligent enough to know pottery clay does not come in all colours of the rainbow. “If we’re going to Kenya, I need to practise beforehand out of respect.”

No one has the heart to tell him they’re just going to South Africa. Boring old South Africa where they happen to speak the good old English language.

“Uh, being the maknae is so hard,” Sehun groans as they drag a half-screaming Chanyeol away from the lingerie store where he is tempted to go in and buy every single one of the items on sale. Nobody knows why he would need bras but Baekhyun knows very well that he’d use them around his neck as a scarf or as a bandana. Besides, the derp is so skinny his man s are almost as nonexistent as Luhan’s supposed abs. As I mentioned before, he seems to change uality every single day so maybe today was just a day he needed to infuse his being with femininity and pink lace bra. “My hyungs are so hard to deal with.”

The youngest is sipping some kind of latte since he’s oh-so-sophisticated, so much so that he’s completely decked out in designer brands. Suho knows it must’ve cost him a fortune but Sehun’s parents are doting and filthy rich which is definitely not a good combination.

“Uh, like my hair is like a misbehaving child, it like never stays in place,” Sehun whines as Luhan shoots him a sympathetic look, his hair ridiculously drawn up into a spastic, blonde ponytail spouting form the centre of his head. That ponytail belongs in the sparkly land of My Little Pony. Back to Sehun, the fact that he’s complaining about his hair is ironic because he’s practically brought his entire styling and coordinating team with him. Oh and his manicurist is there too. Sehun’s nails are very, very healthy. Chanyeol has even taken to calling the younger “Sehyan Cat”. He sure does have rainbows flying out from behind him but his hair certainly does it for him. Luhan is pretty sure his hair was a strange shade of grey just yesterday.

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: How are you?

Are you on your flight, Xing? Didn’t get on the wrong plane? Didn’t lose your luggage? Brain didn’t go on a little stroll off into the Pacific Ocean?

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: abisadg234@$%ÂSNBJfbkl

This young man has spilt coffee over his phone, please contact him when the flight is finished as to not disturb altitude readings.

-Head Flight Attendant Kim, Korea Airlines

The boys have finally made it through the first stage of their long and difficult journey without making more than two airport workers faint from a combination of exhaustion and frustration. The first completely gives up instantly after she discovers the ridiculously large box of needles in Chanyeol's bright yellow suitcase, muttering curses under her breath as she grabs her supervisor to deal with this abomination of a human. The supervisor is a male and looks like he’s been through fifteen world wars so Chanyeol just surrenders his needles and “organic” material; his clay. The olive oil is confiscated too but only after a long and hard battle where the Nyan Catism Pope is bitterly defeated. 

They’re now waiting in a colourful line of twelve, waiting to go through one of those horrific metal detectors. Xiumin’s face looks like a ball of white chocolate peeking through an entire forest of sickly green and purple swirls. Just for good measure, the Baozi has decided to add a bright and colourful turban to his ensemble so he can join Chanyeol on his “channelling the inner Kenyan inside of you” adventures. He might possibly be the most strangely dressed out of all of them despite the fact that Luhan is decked in rhinestones and looks like a bejewelled IPhone case. You know the ones that all those girls have that look like a unicorn has thrown up all over the plastic? They’re spastic and that’s exactly the look that these people seem to aim for.

 “Next.” The steely-eyed security officer calls Luhan up and the boy bounces up to the metal detector, letting one of the bunny ears on his hoodie flop adorably over one eye. The officer looks like she’s been mentally scars but clears and avoids the youngster’s gaze with all her ability. Those googly, brown orbs are an endless abyss of butterflies and pink. All girls, even those that grow beards on their upper lip to show their masculinity cannot resist Lulu’s adorable pouting. It is a scientific fact and should be placed as a side note on every chemistry textbook in the entire world.

Beep

Luhan skitters back and fumbles to take off his rhinestone-studded, pink, lacy, bunny hoodie and throws into a helpless Suho’s arms. The poor grandpa is currently balancing about fifteen carry-on bags and everyone else’s luggage trolleys since the Exotic Fashion’s marketing departing is too incompetent and hyperactive to even control a moving object for more than five seconds without causing a pandemonium. Chanyeol has already run over two old ladies over the course of half an hour.

Beep

Luhan frowns, his lower lip starting to quiver. Sehun notes with glee that the woman is still not making any kind of effort to look into the younger boy’s eyes. He wrestles the bright orange bunny snap-on watch from his slender wrist in an effort to look like one of those gruff, uncaring males he sees in movies that all girls swoon over. Because only manly men wrestle off their watches from their pretty little wrists. Um Luhan, I think manly men don’t go for watches that are orange or bunny-shaped. And it really doesn’t help that the watchband is adorned with pink fuzz and a bright pink pom poms.

Beep

The worker is starting to think that these boy’s have an agenda against her. They may not be terrorists in the sense that they wave around guns and bombs, threatening to slash everyone into oblivion but in the sense that they’re about to hold up a crowd of annoyed passengers. This could turn into a full-out riot of screaming and impatience and she wonders how she’s going to get through a certain lanky boy with a creepy smile and caramel curls. The worker happens to be former child spy and this is the first time in her life she wants to cry.

Beep

Luhan doesn’t give no s like the suave, buff guy he is and flounces through the metal detector, making it beep incessantly. He eyes it through narrowed eyes and declares war on the pitiful piece of metal internally. He raises his fist in a war cry but only manages to crash his fist against the woman’s face, making her head fly back on impact. The scene really is the epitome of cringe-worthy and Suho sighs, wondering exactly how long it’s going to take them to get through security and actually make it in time for Kris’s proposal to Lay.

“Lulu….”

“What does this thing think it is?” Luhan scoffs indignantly.

“Nothing,” Kai responds dryly, his arms crossed over his bare chest. “It’s a metal detector, it can’t think.”

 Chanyeol looks heartbroken at that statement. No scratch that, he looks like a child who has just been told that Santa clause doesn’t exist. The almighty Leader of Nyan Catism puffs up his chest and raises on quivering finger to condemn the evil. “HOW COULD YOU BE SO CRUEL KIM JONGIN. EVERYTHING HAS FEELINGS DON’T DISCRIMINIATE, YOU EXTREMIST.”

“Erm….”

“SINCE YOU ARE CONDEMNED FROM THE CHURCH OF THE NYAN CAT I WILL NOT BE SERENADING YOU WITH THE SOUND OF MY ANGELIC VOICE EVERY MORNING AT 5AM. YOU WILL BURN IN HELL WHERE THE NYAN CAT DOES NOT EXIST.”

Kai sinks to his knees in happiness. Chanyeol’s deep voice trying to sing Nyan Cat is probably a worse punishment than getting your balls sliced in half with a pen knife. The worker is dialling the phone with her fingers desperately calling for back-up. Because EXO is a species that are apart form humans.

Spastic

Loud

Weird

Idiotic

And it’s going to take twelve hours to deal with these little horrors.

BRB, the author has a half-dead dead spider in her room to attend to.

A/N:

Now before you kill me because I know how annoying author notes can be, I have to apologise because I took so long in updating and I just pooped this out in like under an hour and I presume it may not so sparkly and spastic but boring (and we all hate boring). I love my poster it’s so prettiful *___* I think I’ve spent enough time sitting in front of my computer just watching the animations flicker in my eyes. I think I may be high or simply just stupid.  I think you may of realized that I'm writing this in Biography form since Chen paid me to write about their misadventures in the office. So yeah, just fast-forward into the future ;) Anyways, just a little gift yet again:

The things we do before homework and when we're alone forever on Valentine's day.....