Draft: Exotic Fashions, A Treasured Biography

Chapter: A tale for the Grandkids

Title: Them Buffaloes be Rollin'

"COS BABY YOU'RE A FIREWORK, COME ON SHOW 'EM WHAT YOU'RE WORTH!"  Chanyeol is hollering Katy Perry's hit at the top of his lungs while Baekhyun is drilling a hole into the hyper boy's back with his deadly diva glare. It’s a Monday morning, the team leader has been shipped off to some random African airport by the office's resident troll, Chen and no one really takes Suho's lectures about "team bonding" and "loving each other for who we are" lectures seriously. In fact, no one ever takes him seriously.

"I need some coffee," Tao groans, dropping into his leather swivel chair with flourish, dramatically wiping his brow just so he can show off his new Chanel watch that shines prettily against his pale skin.

"DO YOU EVER FEEL, FEEL SO PAPER THIN, LIKE A HOUSE OF CARDS-"

Baekhyun has had enough and whacks Chanyeol in the face with his folder. This doesn't faze the bronze-haired boy at all since he's high on some kind of candy. Chanyeol is always high on candy on a Monday morning because that is just the forces of nature at work and no one can stop him. Kyungsoo is as usual, being ually harassed by one particular model but doesn't really notice since he's so innocent he could blend into a crowd of nuns and no one would notice. Kai is the new face of their autumn line of denim jeans and his job involves being half- all the time. In fact, Suho doesn't remember Kai ever wearing a shirt and has a sneaking suspicion the eighteen year old may be a werewolf. It is the midst of a bone-chilling winter and the guy is prancing around in designer jeans.

"ONE BLOW FROM CAVING IN, DO YOU EVER FEEL, FEEL LIKE A PLASTIC BAG-"

Tao isn't paying attention to any of this because he knows that his colleagues are mere idiots (peasants) and is smart enough not to get himself involved. Besides, no one other than Baekhyun dares to bother him because he happens to have a black belt in karate and a wushu stick that is almost three metres in length. Chen has had his sorry whipped more than once by the moody panda and no one wants to suffer the same fate.  Speaking of the devil, Chen materialises in the doorway, a huge grin stretched over his face a sign that things are going to downhill right from this second.

3….

2….

1….

"Okay everybody, we're going to Africa!"

There's a deafening silence and everybody is immediately beginning to question the guy's sanity. Xiumin is the first to speak up since he is Chen's partner-in-crime and knows how to deal with his troll ways. In fact, Xiumin is the only one who can actually keep up with their Social Media expert and has possibly gotten the better of him once or twice, namely by growing a garden of bean sprouts (literally) in his keyboard. The worst possible punishment for a troll is to render his ability to troll (his keyboard) useless.

“Go back to sleep, Chen,” Xiumin grumbles, barely looking up from his inconceivably enormous breakfast of eggs, bacon, bread, tomatoes, dumplings and salad. Because salad is healthy and our Baozi is such a good child. Luhan is lifting weights in the corner, and they’re sparkly AND pink because pink is the epitome of manliness and the baby-faced boy considers himself manlier than David Beckham in a deodorant ad.

“HAKUNA MATATA!”

Seems like Chanyeol is already starting to practise his African despite not even knowing what the hell is going on. Luhan makes a small grunt, not because his weights are heavy (they’re only two pounds) but because he’s watched many work-out videos (mainly for women’s yoga) and that’s what they all do. Grunts are manly and so are biceps. Suho is afraid that Luhan’s biceps are still very much nonexistent. Probably as nonexistent as his supposed manliness.

“Where’s Xing?” Sehun mumbles, dropping himself onto the floor as soon as he enters the office. Unlike his partner, he is dressed fully in a crisp, white shirt and jeans (much to Suho’s relief). “I need him to make me some food.”

Kai snorts and eyes Xiumin’s enormous plate of food which he hides protectively behind his back. Baekhyun has a death-grip around Chanyeol’s neck and is threatening to draw eyeliner all over his eyes and curl his lashes too if he doesn’t stop singing. By the looks of it, Chanyeol is terrified. You have to understand, the guy no matter how good he is at running around to get files (definitely powered on by his candy), has a mentality of a five year old and anything sharp or black will do the job of frightening him very well.

“He’s on the way to Africa. Kris is already in Africa and we’re going to Africa!” Chen announces with flourish, indulging in the shocked look on everybody’s faces.

“But Kris is supposed to be in Shanghai,” Suho says in a horrified whisper.

“You have to be kidding me,” Kai says flatly, rolling his eyes.

“Nope!” Chen replies cheerfully, popping the ‘p’ in the word “nope”.

“Go back to sleep, Chen,” Xiumin grumbles again, only this time much louder because he’s starting to get peeved. If anything, Chen will call them onto a “fun” and “dynamic” excursion where they will spend the next few days getting mentally scarred forever. Kyungsoo has already developed an irrational fear of the Nyan Cat after Chen decided to introduce to stupid song and animation to Chanyeol. And being the impossibly dense and insane boy he is, Chanyeol decides to convert to “Nyan Catism” where the only religious commitment is to sing the song non-stop on every single morning of every single week. Just to be thorough, Chanyeol calls the members bright and early at 5am on the weekends just so he can sing his own rendition of the damned song.

But you know, lately Chanyeol has developed an immense liking for motivational songs and pumps out “We’re all in this Together”(High School Musical anyone?) complete with pom poms and the cheering dance at top volume whenever he feels like it. The thing is, he is rather lanky and awkward too plus he has long limbs that are practically unmanageable. Let’s just say Kyungsoo has spent a lot of time tending to the guy’s wounds instead of being d by Kai. Suho isn’t exactly sure whether that’s a good thing or not.

“Where do you even get your freaking inspiration from?” Tao demands.

“Tumblr,” Chen replies with a simple shrug. “That place is a ing haven.”

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: All systems go

I’m doing a wonderful job of removing that stick up your son’s (Suho) . WE’RE GOING TO AFRICA FOR LAY AND KRIS’S MARRIAGE PROPOSAL

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: I’m not paying parental leave if any one of them gets pregnant

Just make sure they don’t have babies, Chen, that is all. And as for that stick, it’s almost as long as the diameter of earth, good ing luck with that.

-Your CEO

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: I hope you don’t mind

I hope you don’t mind me using your bank details, boss. Those Cartier rings were very expensive and limited edition too.

-Your CEO

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: I hate kids

As long as they don’t breed. I don’t want mini krisplays running around here. They’d be the most idiotic things ever.

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: Great minds think alike

Agreed.

Oh this is what it’s all about. Watch out, these twelve rolling buffaloes are coming your way, Africa please hide your lions because Chanyeol may feel the need to breed with them and we do not need hybrids of those.

God no.

BRB, the lazy author is still writing up the next chapter. 

A/N:

I know, I know what is this bullcrap? But forgive me I wrote this running on tubs of ice-cream trying to finish my stupid Quadratic Equations homework so forgive the boredom I might’ve bestowed on you. Yes, this is a formal apology. Please don’t unsubscribe yet, I promise even more exciting, fun and super stupid moments. Can you see the effort I am making here to be unique and creative (okay i think I just may be a relative of Chanyeol's now, you know the insanity thing) but yeah, I know this . But only after I finish eating and I have some inspiration. School and I’m unloading all my life problems on you guys right now but I know you love me /shot/ This is a crack fic, what's a crack fic without this? XD

So this is what happens when EXO does not come back.