Author's Note

I guess early update XO
i'm sorry if this feels rushed... im not trying to rush it at all... this is just what my hands decdied to type XD

Jiyong waits for what seemed to be an eternity, actually it might’ve been, one ing encore after the next. “Seriously, I know it’s this guy’s comeback concert and but it’s been like two ing extended hours” he screams into the air.

            Standing backstage, Jiyong gazes at the small monitor displaying the concert. He quickly loses himself in the elder’s performance, absolutely memorized by the male he used to idolize. “Quit ing with yourself, Ji” gently slapping his face to bring himself back to reality, Jiyong shifts his focus onto the bottle of champagne on the table. Shrugging his shoulders slightly, the blonde male nonchalantly walks towards the table and grabs the not yet opened bottle. “It’s cold” he notes mentally before quickly opening the bottle. “Parttyyy” he muses as the signature champagne ‘pop’ goes off.

            He doesn’t bother getting a glass. Bringing the ice cold bottle to his lips, he takes a long, extended gulp of the alcohol. “I never liked champagne” Jiyong says to the swarming back stage. Stage hands who hardly took notice of his presence, he liked it that way. No one questioned his presence; no one asked his relationship to T.O.P., not one person gave a about him. He takes another swish of the alcohol; prolonged drink after another, Jiyong began to feel the effects of the weak alcohol. Gazing dazedly at the nearly empty bottle, he muses at the sad that he is drinking, alone, in the backstage of some guy’s concert, waiting, like a love struck fan girl. 

            It’s not like that description doesn’t fit you Ji

            “Shut the up” he slurs out.

             get a grip… you’re so head over heels for an unattainable object. I guess nothing did change in the past two years.

            “Get the out” he blurts, glad for the nosiness of the area.

            They can hear you… you know that don’t you? Even the stage hands think you are a nobody. That’s so ing sad.

            “I thought I told you to shut the up” Jiyong spits out those words as if they were venom.

            Do you know why Ji?

            “Why?” he responds without a second thought.

            Because you are just a fan in everyone’s eyes, in his eyes, just a fan.

            The blonde male gnaws at his bottom lip, contemplating the subliminal message that his subconscious just sent him.

            Even in his drunken state, he realizes truth in those statements. He came so goddamn close to believing in a useless miracle. He realizes the fact that this was precisely what he spent two years trying to overcome.

            He had blatantly overestimated his abilities; fact of the matter was, he could never forget, not matter how hard he tried. First loves are the ones that hurt the most, especially the unrequited kind.

            But he couldn’t bring himself to leave.

            Call it delusional, call it whatever you want, the fact of the matter is, Jiyong’s heart trumps his brain and his rationale.

            He takes another long swish of the alcohol and wipes his lips with the back of his hand. “ you conscience, no one asked for your opinion”

            “Ahhh… I need a drink” a voice suddenly says. Before Jiyong could even react, his new best friend, the champagne bottle was ripped from his hands.

            “Are you crazy?” he slurs, turning his compromised attention towards the culprit. If the bottle was still in his hand, he would’ve dropped it. “Oh… look who finally decided to join the party” Jiyong says confidently, completely hiding whatever feelings of shock that might’ve existed. Drunkenness sure comes in handy sometimes.

            “ yeah I did, I’d never miss this rager” the taller male responds sarcastically.

            “Hey, shut the up, Mr. T.O.P. what do you expect me to do, you told me to wait for you at the after party. Since you took too ing long, I decided to throw my own ing rager. Now… give me my lover back” the blonde male makes a desperate and miscalculated grab at the nearly empty bottle.

            “Aish, Ji, did you drink this whole thing by your-” before he is even able to finish the question, a very drunken Jiyong crashes into him. “Ayeeee careful!” Seunghyun whines as he quickly places the bottle down the table and grabs the shorter male’s waist to prevent him from falling. Jiyong’s eyes widen for just a split second as his drunken brain registers the position they were in. If it weren’t for the alcohol, he wouldn’t have something to blame this damn blush on.

“Two things Mr. T.O.P.” Nonetheless, Jiyong slurs on, poking at the other’s chest for emphasis. “One, don’t call me Ji, no one gave you the permission to call me by that weird- nickname.” He sneaks a quick glance at the owner of the chest he was currently pressed into. If by some godly miracle he didn’t have a flush by now, then it just appeared. A smirking Seunghyun, with his arm around his own waist, it was like he was ing dreaming. “Two…” Jiyong continues his point, he was far too stubborn to let his flustered heart to take control. “You should really give me my lover.” He points at the bottle on the table, unintentionally pressing himself against the other’s body for support, as he leans towards the ‘holy table’ with the ‘holy alcohol’.

Seunghyun shifts uncomfortably at the body pressing closer to his own.

Did he enjoy the younger pressed up against him?

yes.

Did he trust his temperance?

no.

But he carries on nonetheless, as nonchalantly as he possibly can, because he is T.O.P. And T.O.P. can’t be acting flustered because some dude was pressed up against him. That’s not how a superstar rolls. “I think you should stop drinking this ” he mumbles, before taking the bottle just as Jiyong’s finger tips touched the no so cold glass. Taking in the rest of the liquid, Seunghyun tries his best to ignore the squirming and pouting male in his arms.  he mentally curses at the unintentional actions of the drunken male.

However attractive and alluring a normal Jiyong was, well a drunken Jiyong, with that added touch of brutal honesty and recklessness, he was that much more of a turn on. “Ahh, if you want to drink, save it for the after party.” Part of him wants to protect the blonde in his arms, part of him wants to take the boy home and allow him to rest over the horrible hang over that was going to develop. But the other part of him, the slightly more mischievous and dominant part wanted to get Jiyong even drunker. “Let’s have a little fun, shall we?” the taller male grins as he pulls the more or less dead weigh Jiyong along.

“Noooo, I don’t want to have fun with you” Jiyong whines as he protests with all of his body weight.

“Oh really now? Why do I think that’s a lie?” Seunghyun stops in his tracks, with the smaller boy still clinging against him, he stares the boy straight in the eyes. “I don’t think you’re so drunk that you can’t understand what I am saying, or are you?”

“I’m sooooo not drunk”

“Glad to hear it, now prep your little heart” Jiyong nearly chokes on his cockiness.

Seunghyun gently grabs Jiyong’s chin, pulling it upward towards his own visage. Jiyong swears that he could melt under that intense gaze. Seunghyun pauses, enjoying the mingling of their breaths. Then he pulls away, and whispers in the younger’s ear. “Be mine, for tonight…”

Jiyong gulps as hot breaths slashes against his ear. It wasn’t like his resolve was strong or anything, but even if it was, it would’ve been broken under that spell. Your voice is so ing y that it should be illegal. Jiyong thought silently.

Seunghyun grins; he knew that he won, as if he could read the blonde’s thoughts. And this was the part he loved the most about being a star, holding an attractive, flustered fan in his own arms. To be completely honest, seeing fans completely head over heels in love him, completely willing to do whatever to please him, was what he craved. Call him a player, a heartbreaker, whatever, it was the type of person he was. He loved dating his fans because well…because of something called vanity. Being with a fan made him feel on top of the ing world, he would be showered with endless adoration and unconditional love. Things that made him feel goddamn ing full and fluffy on the inside.  Of course, when his ‘special fans’ find out about this sick , they cry, they run, they call him horrible things. But nothing really affects him. Because Seunghyun understands that no matter how hard they try, he has wormed his way into their hearts. Because he understands that those harsh words are nothing but for show.

Okay so maybe fame in the past two years got to him.

So maybe he was no longer humble

So maybe he was horrible.

But who gives a ?  And most importantly, who the will find out?

He was ing T.O.P.

But then of course Jiyong has to be the wise .

 “If by be mine, you mean let’s drink our hearts out and , I’m down” Seunghyun feels his vanity crawling away. So much for that endless adoration and unconditional love.

“Che.” The not so hot superstar spits as Jiyong pries himself free from his hold and stumbles towards the after party. He stares wide eyed at the amazing that moved further and further away from him. “Just wait, Ji, tonight, I’ll make you fall so ing hard for me”

Jiyong might’ve acted nonchalantly, or even in a cool manner. But in truth, he was hurting. Somehow, even in his drunken state, he sensed a change within the older man. Just like he became a heartless player in two years, Seunghyun had changed also. And as far as he could tell, he changed for the worst.

Now prep your little heart

Jiyong had nearly choked on those words the first time. And those abominable words continued to repeat themselves in his drunken brain.

It hurt. It ing hurt like hell.

The tone, Seunghyun’s tone, though Jiyong’s not quite sure how he picked up the subtle connotation, but he did. It was the tone of a star speaking down to a ing fan.

Seunghyun treated him like a fan.

And it ing hurt to realize that.

All of the sudden, Jiyong didn’t feel so giddy anymore. It was as if heart break drove away drunkenness. And he began to regret what he had just said. So he walks faster, he walks past the stupid after party and hides behind a column, like the ing coward he was, and just prays that Seunghyun’s gaze didn’t follow.

So he stays there. Mind still intoxicated by alcohol but his mind feels perfectly clear. So ing clear that he could feel that urge to cry and breakdown building up in his throat, he chokes it back. But his mind races on.

Everything that Seunghyun said to him started to repeat in his mind. The more and more they repeated, the more certain Jiyong became. By some unspoken instinct, Jiyong knew. Seunghyun changed. It became obvious to him that Seunghyun was playing with his heart.

 Strange really, just before the concert, Jiyong could’ve sworn his sympathy… the because he cares…was genuine. But from their encounter a few moments ago, Jiyong starts to question. “Maybe he’s drunk?” he tries to comfort himself.

Oh yeah keep doing that and avoiding the truth.

“! DRUNKEN CONSCIENCE IS BACK”

Shut up you coward and just face the truth. You are a ing fan. He wants to fool around with a fan; he likes to fool around with fans. So stop ing sulking get a grip on reality.

“ you” Jiyong grumbles as a pout begins to form on his lips. His eyes widen slightly as he found a pair of lips atop his. He knows those lips. He’s not sure how, but he just knows. So he pushes the man away. As hard as it might’ve been, he pushes ing T.O.P. away. He stares at the taller man, whose visage still held the expression of sheer shock.

Seunghyun stands still, completely immobilized, shocked, he’s just been rejected by a ing fan.

Jiyong just continues to stare before wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “You told me this Seunghyun, you told me not to play with other people’s hearts because it was wrong. And I called you a hypocrite. Do you know why now?” Jiyong practically spat. He was glad for the unintentional breaking of his heart, he needed to be sober. He needed to avoid huge mistakes. He needed to spare his heart more hurt. Most importantly, he needed to preserve whatever remained of the wall he spent the past two years to build up.

“…” Seunghyun gapes. His mouth, unattractive, hangs slightly open. His mind malfunctions as his wit fails him.

“Before I go… I just wanted to ask, why even pretend to care?” Jiyong asks gently, though he is quite sure that his expression expressed nothing but absolute hurt and heartbreak.

Seunghyun could feel his heart shattering. He slaps himself for not being able to respond. He slaps himself mentally, repeatedly. “I never pretended to care Ji, I do care” somehow, Seunghyun manages to break silence curse.

“ing bull”

“No, I’m telling you the truth” as much as Seunghyun wanted to deny it, he couldn’t. It was the truth, it still is the truth. He cares. He cares more than he should, but nonetheless, he cares. Maybe he cares for the wrong reasons, but that, the point is he cares.

“Don’t bull me, you were probably just trying to get a guaranteed tonight”

That’s only half true! Seunghyun restrains his mouth.

“Che.” Jiyong spits, sending glares at the taller male before him. “You changed Seunghyun… you’re not the same T.O.P. I idolized”

Those words slap Seunghyun across the face. Send him plummeting down a deep abyss known as reality. As much as he wanted to reach out for the boy and tell him the feelings he had locked up since their last encounter, he couldn’t. It was as if his pride and vanity tied him down to the spot.

Jiyong walks right past the stunned star. “If you treat me like a fan again, I will ing beat the out of you. I’m a fan of the T.O.P. two years ago. I liked you because of your humbleness and your humanity. But now…” Jiyong tears his eyes away “now you’re just a stereotype” A ing heartless monster, just like me.

Seunghyun feels his heart shattering.

Jiyong feels tears flowing from his eyes.

Seunghyun drops to his knees in defeat, silently beating himself for not reaching out for the boy.

Jiyong cries and breathes in cruel reality.

Seunghyun’s orbs widen even further as a droplet of tear escapes.

It was as if reality checked mated both of their lives. 

Author's Note

idunno what happened with the dumb formatting //OTL
but yeah... ._. prepare your little hearts for some major angst XO