I was born in January; the flower of January is carnation. My favorite color is pink, pink carnation means gratitude. Will there be gratitude for me coming in this world? Or regret? My father brought Jasmines for me; he wished I would be just like them, graceful and elegant.

The first time I saw you were in February, it’s the month of the violet, it mean faithfulness, and would I get that from you? Was my first thought, but you came to me with that charming smile of yours “Cho kyuhyun” you said and offered me your hand. Does my heart supposed to beat so fast and loud. You were making ne feeling things I only heard in the fairytales I heard in my childhood.

“Lee Sungmin” I offered you back and smiled my famous bunny smile, my friends say that could knock every person from his legs. You were tall, well built, and your husky voice sends Goosebumps through my entire body. “Nice to meet, Sungmin-shii, you’re new in here?”  I almost missed the question since I was staring at you with half lidded eyes, absorbing every detail about you, the little scar mark on your right cheek, the way your nose twisted when you smiled, and those deep brown orbs that were looking at me, waiting for an answer. “Yes I am, it’s my first year actually, I’m majoring in botanic.” Smile was apparent on his lips after hearing my answer. “That’s pretty cool” those words gave me hope, will this man make me say thank you for the fact I was born, I really hope he will.

Those bittersweet kissed lingered on my skin long after you left. The first time I actually felt loved was the time you brought me flowers, a Lilac “I read online, that a Lilac means first love, I guess it’s the perfect flower then to describe us”. I took them, hesitantly at first, but then hugged them closely to my heart and smile. “Thank you” was my last words before I felt your lips for the first time, making contact with my own, you took me to up to heaven and down again.

First loves are always beautiful, that’s what they say, I tend to agree with them. You gave me everything I have ever dreamed of. You loved, cared for me, showed me a whole new world. For those moments I will always be grateful to you, I just hope I gave you good memories as well, since then, all my efforts won’t be a complete loss. Us walking hand in hand on the street, me feeding you ice cream from your favorite shop that is way downtown, and took us almost two hours to get there. Those moments we shared should be described with an orchid: delicate beauty.

In May I met your parents for the first time “Mom keeps asking about you, so I thought it’s about time I’ll finally introduce you” you were pulling me to the entrance of the with hurried steps all excited about the coming meeting. “Are you sure I look okay? Like seriously Kyuhun, you liking everything about me don’t mean people also think that way.” Insecure and afraid, that what’s I felt that night. “Relax Minnie, everyone will like you and even love, I can guarantee you that, you’re my little adorable bunny” you smiled and knocked on the door. I smiled to you back and looked patiently at the door until your mother opened it with a full hearted smile. You were, I absolutely loved it.

June was the month of changes, you were not the same, different, more aggressive, more loudly, and not the person I knew.  Red roses seemed to always be present in our house, red roses mean passionate love, it really was like that, but why did it have to hurt so much?

“I know you’re flirting with him bunny, you think since you got all confident you can just go to others and leave me like that?” that loud shouting I was sure were heard through all the building, echoed in my ears time after time. “I didn’t” were my only words before, those ones beautiful red roses were shattered right next to me, flowing in red liquid, matching their deep red color. June is the month you first laid your hand on me, June was the beginning of our end.

When I walk through the festivals in august, all those happy smiling couples come immediately to my view. Once, not such a long time ago, we were just like them, young, happy and in love. I didn’t change, that was for sure. But you, you turned into the monster I was always afraid of.

People sometimes wonder, do monsters are born like this, or they made into ones, you kyuhyun what is your side? You weren’t like this, so did I made into one, wasn’t I good enough, didn’t I love you enough? My friends say that’s the problem is not in me but in you, this side, was always deep inside of you just waiting to get released, like a chick, just waiting patiently to come out from his egg. All they need is a trigger, and a whole different person is created.

In September, you held me so strong yelling “That’s the person I got involved with? A , you should have warned me before, and then I could have saved us all this fiasco” those red roses were again spread all over the floor. Being trampled over. You were hurting me, but you were killing them in the process.

When I look into your eyes, I see the exact same emotions you’re trying to convey my through your screams. Hatred, doubt, sorrow and fear. How did we manage to get ourselves into this kind of situation? “Yes, I’m just a little like you said, and it’s your bad buddy, that you fell in love with a person like me.” I think this time it was a chair you grabbed, always the closest thing to you, and this time my arm broke.

“Do you have death wishes Lee Sungmin?” my friends ask, they had to come and get me from the hospital since you were nowhere to be found Kyuhyun, do you hate me that much?

Someone to have gratitude to the fact I was born, what a joke, Kyuhyun must be the one regretting it all, over and over. I’m strong; I’m elegant and graceful just like the Jasmine, my first flower. People shouldn’t feel sorry for my existence; I shouldn’t feel sorry for it.

People say leaving the ones you love is the hardest thing you can do, it’s good Kyuhyun, you made me hate you so much, I will leave you with a whole heart and buy myself a Peony on my way out.

The Peony is a little flower with at least five petals; he can go from green to white, red or pink. Peonies unfurl their blooms in late spring or early summer. Peony means healing.

I will leave you a single flower on the desk, your favorite, like you knew it will best describe our relationship in the future. A single white tulip. White tulip means forgiveness.
 

In February I fell in love with you. I loved you through March, April and May. I hated you in June, July and August. I left you in September. The flower of September is Forget-me-not. The meaning of the flower is, remember me forever. And I know that ones I loved you, I hope that you loved me too.

THE END. 

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