I have to say, getting a haircut is one of the best decisions I (or Na Young) have made in a while. My hair feels soft and healthy, and my usage of shampoo and conditioner has lessened! Every time I look in the mirror, it feels like I’m a different person, as if I’m no longer who I used to be. And I don’t know if that is for the better or for the worst, to be honest. Now I kind of understand how girls who would have their hair chopped off feel because at first you would be so apprehensive to have your hair short, but once you see yourself on the mirror, you feel renewed.

When I went to my parents’ house later that week, my mother was pleasantly surprised to see me—or my new look, perhaps. Dad, on the other hand, was playing golf with his colleagues at the country club.

“Well someone’s enjoying the trainee lifestyle,” Mom said after pulling me in a tight hug.

I chuckled and replied that it was free anyway.

“For your information, it’s not free,” she replied, wagging her index finger at me playfully. “We pay them for training classes, which may or may not include your new makeover.”

“Oh right!” I said, then thanked her again for allowing me to train again and gave her the record I bought from Heejun weeks ago. As expected, my mom smiles in delight and pulls me in an embrace again, thanking me for the small gesture.

“Sweetie, you shouldn’t have,” she said. We head off to the kitchen and Mom starts to boil water for tea.

I chuckle at explain to her that a friend I met at YG owns a record store and that I also bought something so she doesn’t have to feel bad or something.

“Besides, Heejun is one of the nicest people I met there and the shop has really good music. Maybe one day I can take you there and we can go records shopping.”

This time, my mom turns to me with a grin on her face. I know that look. Oh no.

“So are you and this Heejun boy going out or something? You’ve spoken so fondly of him as far as I remember.”

I make a face at her that says, “not again” and laugh, which came out awkwardly. “No, not like that. We’re just good friends. Besides, I thought you said you don’t want me to date until I finished university?”

“That was years ago, dear,” she replies, pouring the freshly brewed tea in two porcelain teacups. “I just want to see you happy.”

“But I am happy, Mom!” I smile at her. “I’m having the time of my life training, meeting amazing people, having a friend like Ji Sung, Heejun, and others. And most of all, I have you and Dad who are always so supportive of me. The least I probably want right now is a boyfriend, to tell you.”

That’s true, I think to myself. I have everything that I want right now: supportive parents, kind friends, good education, a nice and comfy place to stay in and I am training under one of the top entertainment companies. I am probably one of the luckiest persons alive right now because there is nothing more that I could want. Well I probably don’t mind dating but—oh wait. Nevermind. I haven’t made up my mind on that one, and don’t get me started on it.

I look at my tea, then back to my mother who is now looking at me fondly. Despite the wrinkles she obtained from her work, she still looks youthful and beautiful as well. Then, she takes my hands in hers and squeezes it gently.

“That was what I said when I was in your age. Your grandparents were very supportive of my decisions as well, although I do not regret meeting your dad in university.” She added.

“Life still has so much in store for you, so don’t completely close the door on love, dear. Who knows, someone’s knocking on your door but you couldn’t hear it?”

From what I think, this is turning into a love advice session. What. Do. I. Do. She probably knows that I have feelings for someone. No. Mother’s instinct. I knew it!

I try not to look nervous as my heart started to beat rapidly, so I just withdrew my hand and took a sip from my cup. “Mom, are you lecturing me on love?”

“Do you think I am?” She smiles, and I have a feeling that maybe she knows. Maybe Ji Sung dropped hints or something.

“N-no, of course not!” I said, then sighed. There’s probably no turning back on this topic.

“I’m really happy with where I am right now, Mom.” I looked at her, holding on to my cup so my hands don’t shake from the nervousness. “I’m happy being independent and all, but if ever someone out there’s knocking on my door, like what you said… then I’ll open the door.”

I cleared my throat at take a quick sup.  “But I won’t let him in of course! It’s something I don’t want to think of right now, but something I have to think of eventually. Right now, I just want to graduate and hopefully debut. Those are my priorities.”

Mom stays silent for a while and I’m afraid I might have said something bad, but instead, she smiles and holds my hand again. “I’m so proud of you, Jiyonn. Your dad and I, we’re so proud of you. We want to see you happy and I think our wish came true.”

For a few moments, I take her hand in mine and we sit there in silence, just the two of us. Enjoying our cups of tea along with unspoken words of gratitude and love.

--

When I got back to training, Na Young was pleased with the result of my hair makeover.

“I told you it would look good on you!”

I couldn’t help but smile at her. After all, she was the mastermind behind this transformation. “I owe you a lot, Na Young. Even my mother thinks this looks good on me. And Seongjun is really kind.”

“Speaking of Seongjun, he told me that you never stopped asking him if your hair will turn out well. And see what happened?” She replied, her eyes beaming with excitement. “You look prettier! Not that I am saying that you aren’t pretty before…”

I wave my hand in embarrassment and tell her that I might combust with the compliments.

“All right, so the showcase is in a few weeks, and although Big Bang won’t be back in 3 days…” Na Young started updated me with the weekly agendas, but my mind flew off once she mentioned Big Bang.

Three days. Three days until I see Ji Yong again. What will he think of my new haircut? Will he like it? Or will he make fun of me, like always? Will the dye slowly wash away by that time?

Here I go again sounding like a middle school girl gushing about her crush. Times like this when I wish I could flush everything out of my head and just focus on the things that need to be focused on. Like what I told my mom, love isn’t my priority as of now. And as if my feelings will be reciprocated, I scoff inwardly to myself.

He’s not going to like you back. Not when he has an outgoing, stylish and drop-dead gorgeous model girlfriend by his side.

“Are you listening to me, Jiyonn?”

Suddenly, Na Young’s voice pulled me back away from my thoughts and I see from the mirror that I’ve been spacing out.

“I-I am, just slightly baffled that is all coming true. The showcase and performing, I mean. It all seems so fast.” I lied.

“Feeling nervous? We haven’t started with dress rehearsals yet.” She replied, putting a hand on my shoulder.

I nod. “Yeah, sort of. I remember months ago I started training and now I am on my way.”

Na Young chuckles and I thought that I might have said something again.

“You’ve been on your way. You’re destined for so much more.”

--

During the short breaktime, I met Heejun on my way to the cafeteria and he also went for a makeover; his copped hair grew over during the months and it was dyed in a lighter shade of brown. Aside from that, his doe eyes and wide grin remains unchanged.

“Looking really good there, China girl!” He said before giving me a high-five.

“When are you going to lay off that nickname? It sounds weird.” I replied jokingly. I’m used to him calling me that anyway.

“Hmmm, probably never. I got used to calling you that, I nearly forgot your real name.” He said before messing up my just-then neat hair. “My little sister’s looking all grown up now!”

Although I’m not sure who between Heejun and I is older, it was clear that he is the older brother and I cringed at mom’s question about me and Heejun going out because I just see him as this older brother who teases and scolds me all the time. Also an older brother who doesn’t takes the last candy bar on the rack and instead gives me a granola bar.

“Really? I have to settle for this?” I ask, holding the granola bar as if it was a radish.

He unwraps the candy bar and bites it before looking at me. “Yes. That has less than 500 calories, by the way.”

“Thanks for the nutrition info,” I frown before eating my sandwich.

“Oh yeah, where did you and Ji Yong run off to after visiting grandma’s shop?” Heejun asks as if he was just asking how the weather was. For some reason, I nearly choke on my sandwich and stutter.

“Oh that one—um, we went to the art park nearby. The one with the flamingo made out of beer bottles. That one. That art park. Is… is something wrong?”

Heejun stares at his drink and shakes his head. “Nothing. I don’t know, maybe it’s just the stress of his schedule and all.”

“Wait, what happened?” I look at him, worried. Did something happen to Ji Yong? Is he unwell or something? Come to think of it, since that day, he hasn’t contacted me or anything—like he’ll contact me, right. Don’t get your hopes up.

“I don’t know, he looked pretty deflated last time I saw him.”

I try to remember our conversation at the art park, recalling if he looked sad or anything, when I do remember that he was quiet that time. Although he snickered, chuckled and smiled back then, it wasn’t compared to those times he was like a walking megaphone. I felt guilty that I dragged him all the way to the art park when—

No.

“Come with me, we’re going on a date.” He said, clasping his hand around mine in a swift manner.

“Whoa, easy there!” I said, pulling my hand away from his and stopping for a moment.

But he just laughed and shook his head. “You thought I was being serious when I said that?”

And there I felt my world slowly fall apart in front of me. The feelings which until now I am unsure of, collapsed when he said that.

“I think you’re kidding,” I replied, walking ahead.

Oh right.

“Maybe he just had a bad day or something.” I shrugged, getting back to eating. Like before, I was starting to feel bad for an unknown reason.

Heejun sighed then went back to eating his candy bar. “You’re right. Maybe he just had an argument with her or something, those two.”

Well there goes my appetite.

I put the sandwich back to the Ziploc packet and stare at the bottle of water in front of me.

It’s not my priority, right?

You know that feeling when you’ve planned out something and it all sounds cool and you feel like you’re finally heading somewhere, when all of a sudden, something comes up and you’re not prepared for it? This is how I feel. Like I had this plan to do well in training while maintaining my grades in university and when I debut, I won’t drop out, but maybe take fewer classes. And once I graduate, I’ll take a break from studying then enroll myself in graduate school. I had it laid out perfectly and I was set to attain that.

But I know love isn’t just love and it shouldn’t be taken lightly, like what everyone says. It’s a commitment. It’s something like training wherein you have to give your all and like university wherein you have to maintain the relationship. It’s something I am notready for, something that isn’t in my plan at all. Although my mom says that I shouldn’t just shun love away from my door, it’s not easy.

Life has so much more to give me, and that doesn’t include love, right?

“You okay, China girl? You fell silent all of a sudden.” Heejun asked, a hint of worry in his voice.

I’m sure it doesn’t. Not entirely.

I purse my lips together and smiled. “I’m okay.”