CHAPTER 5: RESURFACE

 

 

            “Dae-Hyun?” I said-yet again- breathless.

            “Hey beautiful.” He said smiling at me as he helped me down the stairs.

            “What are you doing here?” I asked stunned, surprised and confused all at the same time. Dae-Hyun only chuckled. Oh no. His deep chuckles sent me to a place I vowed to keep hidden all over again.

            “Nice to see you too.” He only smiled even more. No. Not the smile. He took my hand and pulled me aside. “You were great. I think you’ll definitely get lead.”

            “What?” I was still dazed. How could this be possible? Why was Dae-Hyun back in my life and in front of me?

            “Eun Mi, are you ok?” He asked placing both his hands on either side of my arms. He was looking at me with those deep blue circles he had for eyes. “Breathe love, breathe.” The way he said “love” with that thick accent accompanied by the deep melodious tone of his voice sent chills down my sides.

            “Yeah, no I’m good.” I said snapping out of my reverie. “Why are you here?” I asked trying my best to stay sane.

            “I haven’t told you, have I?”

            “I don’t think you have.”

            “I enrolled myself in Lyric a few years back.” He said beaming, obviously proud of himself.

            “Oh.” I managed to say despite my shock. “You gave up dancing?”

            “Well not entirely. I just found something else I wanted to do.” His smile disappeared. “After London, I found out I could sing. It sort of saved me from it all.” I could feel my heart start to quicken. Something about London brought us back to unhappy memories.

            “So you’re here for the production?” I asked taking the attention away from the unwanted past.

            “Yeah. Our auditions were yesterday. Joanne and I are running for lead.” His smile had gone back. Joanne? Pink, blonde and lip-gloss, I told myself. Figures.

            “Oh I see.” Was all I could come up with. I was still shocked and didn't know what or how to feel. “Would you excuse me.” I said, finally deciding I needed air. I didn't wait for him to agree or protest. I made my way back to my seat, grabbed my bag and ran for the door.

            “Eun Mi! Hey!” someone called after me. I didn't know who it was- or didn't really care. All I wanted was to get away from the auditorium and away from Dae-Hyun. I dashed down the stairs, into the empty hallways and out into daylight.

 

 

            The burst of fresh air against my skin felt divine. It was a little past noon and everyone was out for lunch. The park, situated in the middle of the academy’s property, was empty. Gasping for air, I tried steadying myself on a nearby bench.

            “Eun Mi! Are you ok?” A concerned voice flooded the garden. I turned my head to see who it was and was relieved to see Rain walking towards me and not Dae-Hyun. “Hey, what’s wrong? You just ran out all of a sudden. Did that guy do something to you?” he had put his bag down on the bench I was leaning against.

            “I’m fine. I just needed some air.” I said trying to sound convincing. I breathed in before I turned to face Rain. His eyebrows had met at the middle. His ice blue eyes were on my face. I could feel my cheeks burning from his stare.

            “Are you sure? It seemed more than that back there?”

            “Yeah. No. Uuumm…” I didn't know what to say. I didn't know whether I should tell him what was really bothering me.

            “Hey. Don’t cry.” He reached for my cheek and wiped a bead of tear with his thumb.

            “Oh great. I’m leaking.” I said exasperated with my pitiful self. I hadn’t even realized I was crying. He laughed at my remark and I couldn't help but smile a little.

            “Do you wanna go home? I can take you back to your dorm.” He offered. He was being so nice to me today.

            “That would be really nice Rain. Thank you.” He reached for his bag and carried mine as well. Instead of protesting against his gentleman-like gesture- I never really understood why men had to carry women’s handbags for them- I tagged along as we left the solemn park.

 

           

            “So are you going to tell me what happened back there or are we gonna have to play the guessing game?” Rain and I were back in the dorm I shared with Mi Kyung and Ra. It wasn’t big nor was it small. It was of modest size, shape and rent. It had three rooms, one bathroom, a living room that connected to the kitchen and a small patio overlooking the city. The dorm was of tall ceilings, red brick walls and wooden floors. Mi Kyung, Ra and I had decorated the place the way we wanted to. Each of our rooms looked very much different from one another- reflecting our style and aesthetic.

            Rain was seated across me on the counter top we called our dining table. It was one big slab of wood with metal fixtures to keep it in place. We paired it with 6 matching metal bar stools. We were eating the tomato pasta with chunks of meat and basil he had prepared. It was tasty and just what my tummy needed to calm my nerves.

            “Well…” I said sipping from my glass of cola. Was I really going to tell him?

            “Okay. Why don’t I do the asking then you can choose to answer the question or not?” he offered.

            “Yeah. I like that.” I smiled at him.

            “So, who was the dude back there?”

            “His name is Dae-Hyun.” He looked at me expectantly, as if I was going to say more than his name. Oh no, no, no. I wasn't exactly eager to tell Rain about Dae-Hyun.

            “Is he your brother?” he asked after realizing I was sticking to the one-question-on-answer rule.

            “No.” I laughed a little at the thought of Dae-Hyun being my brother.

            “Is he a relative?”

            “Nope.”

            “Are you friends?”

            “Sort of.”

            “Is he your best friend?”

            “Used to be.” I answered honestly. It was true. Dae-Hyun and I started out as friends- best of friends actually.

            “Is he your boyfriend?” he asked lowering his voice.

            “Ex.” I said lowering my gaze away from his piercing eyes. “More like “the” ex.” I said emphasizing where it was needed.

            “The one that got away?” his voice was still quite low. He knew I wasn't comfortable talking about it.

            “The one that ran away.” I smirked, trying to lighten the mood. When I looked back up Rain was staring at me. He was looking at me intently, concern on his face.

            “Dae-Hyun Scott used to be my best friend.” I sighed deciding I owed Rain this much for taking care of me. “We met when we were in junior high. He was a transferee from London and I was the friendly one who made an effort to make him feel welcome. We bonded over dancing after finding it was a shared passion. When we got to high school, we gave the relationship thing a try after I took him to the Sadie Hawkins dance in sophomore year. It wasn’t because we liked each other beyond the realm of friendship but because you kind of owe it to each other to try and be more than just friends. It worked. We were happy, sappy, the perfect couple and all that jazz. We were talking about this dance school in London he had seen and was actually eyeing for college. We made silly promises that we’d fly there, live together and pursue a dance career in the UK. Well, we made it to London all okay. But a day after we got settled in his parents’ old place, he left.” I sighed heavily recalling that day, that morning. “He left me a note explaining he had received an offer for a scholarship at some fancy school in Paris and was taking it.”

“He just left?” Rain asked surprised. I nodded. I was whirling tiny bits of noodles around the bowl. 

“But it wasn't him leaving that hurt. It was what came after that was unbearable. He was my first real relationship. I gave him everything I could. I was so happy he was someone I actually knew and liked. But when he ran, it hurt to realize the emptiness I was experiencing. I hated myself for feeling bad about my situation. I hadn't realized his effect on me and I hated it. After much ice cream and popcorn, I finally got myself to accept the fact that I was more in love with him than he was with me. And it hurt. I flew back to the States, tried to live normally and cried my lungs out until I woke up one day and got tired of myself. That was when I ended up auditioning for BAPA.”

“If he’s into dancing then why is he in Lyric?”       

“Shortly after his Paris stint- I guess- he found singing and enrolled in Lyric. I haven’t seen, heard or talked to him since London.” I said the last sentence as if it were a whisper. 

“He’s a jerk for leaving you in London.” Rain whispered after a few seconds. What he said made me look up from my bowl and into his eyes. He still had his eyebrows furrowed in the middle. “No decent guy does that. None.”

“Yeah, well, what’s done is done. We can’t undo time and tell him that before boarding his plane to Paris.” I smirked in an effort to get rid of the tension.

“I’m sorry…” he began.

“No Rain.” I cut him off. “Don’t feel sorry for me. It was my mistake, my problem.” I said standing up and collecting the bowls.

“Do you still love him?” the pasta bowls almost slipped out of my hands upon hearing his question. I dumped the bowls into the sink and placed my palms on the sink counter for support. Was I? I closed my eyes and asked myself the same question. I felt my tears well up and slowly escape my shut eyes. I wiped a stream away and turned to answer. Rain had stood up and walked towards me.

“I don’t know.” I managed to say before breaking down. Before I hit the floor, Rain’s arms wrapped itself around me, catching me and offering support. Tears were flowing from my eyes as all the emotions and memories I worked so hard to keep hidden had resurfaced. I hadn’t thought how it would be like to see Dae-Hyun again. And now that I had, I hated it. Hated how he still had power over my feelings for him. I thought I was done with all the hurt, but now it was back. And there, in the arms of Rain, I realized that the most painful goodbyes are the ones never said and never explained.