M/V Reference:

G.NA - 꺼져 줄게 잘 살아 (I'll Get Lost, You Go Your Way) (Feat. 용준형) (Link here)

I looked at the woman sitting across the table. She bit on her food slowly and kept taking the same food from the table over and over – her favourite sweet and sour pork. I grinned to myself upon seeing her adorable expression over her favourite dish. She took a glance at me when she realised I was laughing at her. She immediately stopped chewing and pouted, “Doo Joon, what are you laughing at me?”

“I’m not.” I denied and continued admiring her cute actions as my heart skipped at everything she did.

She proceeded to her room and closed the door shut. I was at the living room watching some random television programme and I was feeling bored. Without her, without her voice and non-stop chatter, the house felt quiet. I stood up from the couch and went straight to the direction of her room. I knocked on the door and she said to come in.

“Doo Joon! My boss accepted my request to work in Canada! Look! Look! Check the mail I received!” G.NA jumped up and down like a little girl who did not act like her age. That was what I appreciated, and most probably loved about her. She was always so happy-go-lucky and my worries seemed to fade away upon seeing her. I would never get sick of seeing her even living with her for years.

“Really? I’m so happy for you!” I moved towards her and began to hug her. I embraced her lovingly and buried my head in her hair and started twirling her around like a little girl. She could be older than me but in my eyes, she’s always the little girl whom I loved dearly.

She seemed to have gotten carried away because she placed a long kiss on my cheek. Both of us froze for a few seconds before I let go off her. She tucked her hair behind her ear and looked down. This was the time. I had to tell her my feelings. Everything.

“Omo, G.NA! You got accepted?”

“Mother! Father!” G.NA came back to reality and walked towards them – our parents.

“I succeeded! They said I can go over next month!” G.NA acted as if the kiss never happened. She never looked into my way. I stood at the same position, pondering over the kiss while G.NA and our parents started discussing on the details of her new work environment.

“Doo Joon, why are you standing there? Let’s plan this at the living room! Come on! Aren’t you happy for your noona?” Our mother smiled. I followed them to the living room and circled around a table, planning for her future. G.NA was very excited but the moment she exchange eye contact with me, her smile faded away. It seemed like sadness or disappointment, I was not sure.

“Maybe for two years? I’m not sure but I won’t come back until I succeed.” G.NA beamed.

I was indeed happy for her but the thought of her being away from me for a long time broke my heart. I had been living with her for eight years and never had I imagined a day without her. I grabbed the cup I was holding and clenched my teeth and for that moment, I knew it – I was in love with my own sister.

It happened when I was brought over by my father to G.NA’s house. My mother passed away and I had no other family other than him. However, he had a proper family which included his real wife and daughter. “Doo Joon, she’s my wife and here’s my daughter – G.NA. Starting from today, they’re your family.” My father said to me when I was just ten.

G.NA approached me with a sweet smile. Being sixteen years old, she patted my head and waved, “Hello, Doo Joon. I’m your noona. Let’s be great siblings, okay?”

Do you remember that day?
The day when we met for the first time?
I still remember it.
Those words you promised;
You said you would care for and protect me and only me.
You said that you didn't love anybody but me.
I believed you.
I believed your lies.

For these years, G.NA had been really nice to me – treating me like a real brother. She was someone I modelled after and slowly, I turned from a boy to a man. I realised my feelings for her changed. I felt jealous when she brought over her boyfriends, I envied her boyfriends for being able to touch her in a way I could not. I felt sad because she saw me nothing but a sibling.

However, today was different. I knew for a change, she did not see me as a little boy no more. I knew she saw me as a man but refused to face her true feelings because it was morally wrong.

I saw her standing by the window. It was already past midnight and our parents were asleep. It would be a month before she left so I went over and gave her a back hug, “G.NA noona.”

She flinched and was surprised by my move. She tried to struggled free but I held her tightly, “Don’t move. Please. Just for now. I know you love me – not in a brotherly way. I just want to tell you I feel the same as you do.”

“This is wrong, Doo Joon.” Her voice broke and she started to sob. All along, our relationship was very tight. People would think we were a couple if they saw us on the streets. “We’re not supposed to act like this.” She confessed, “I don’t know what to do anymore.”

“Be mine.”

She hesitated and finally, stepped away from me, “Sorry Doo Joon. This is wrong.” My heart shattered as she continued, “This will be a good break for us. For the two years I’m away, find someone you can love wholeheartedly.”

Your lips that told me that you were going to leave.
Why does it give me a reason to be angry today?
I need to stop you, the words don’t go out
And you are already moving far apart

A year has passed.

The excruciating year that I suffered without her in Seoul.

I knocked on the door to reveal her standing before me. She looked exactly the same and was surprised that I was at her doorstep, “Doo Joon, what are you doing here?”

“It’s my term break. I have one month to spare so I came over to visit you. Don’t you want to see me?” I teased and she smiled uncomfortably. She had not gotten over me, I knew it. I stepped into her house in Canada and sat on the couch, “You have to show me around here. I’m a tourist.”

She did. She brought me around and the awkwardness was non-existent. Our parents were not there and there was no one we knew in Canada. For two weeks, the life we spent there was free and easy – nothing to worry about. If only, we could spend the rest of our lives like this.

Without a word, I took her hand in mine and started walking faster along the streets. She was apprehensive but gave in. She leaned on my shoulder and naturally, I had my arm over her waist like a real boyfriend.

G.NA brought me to her secret rooftop place and I looked at her lovingly. The house had turned into our secret hideout. She was six years older and my sister. However, I could no longer look at her that way. I moved over and touched her cheek which she held my hand, “Doo Joon… No…”

Ignoring her words, I was infuriated – infuriated by the relationship we were restricted to. I cupped her face violently and kissed her with all my might, not caring whether I had hurt her lips, feeling the slight screams in our embrace. Slowly, I felt her tears running down her cheeks but she finally followed her heart and kissed me back. I broke away after a long while before looking at her again. Her lips were swollen and tears were still there but she smiled back at me – happy.

“I can’t stay away from you.” I confessed.

“Me too.” She whispered.

“Let’s make it work.” I hugged her to sleep that night and it was the best night I ever had.

G.NA and I returned from our date and were heading back to our house. We were laughing as I kissed her cheek playfully which she blushed. It was all happy before we spotted our parents in front of the doorstep. “Doo Joon. G.NA. What’s this?” Our father was shocked, along with our mother who covered , “Are you two…”

“Yes, we love each other. Not as siblings but as lovers.” I said to them proudly but I knew things were getting nasty. Our father slapped and punched me as my mother called G.NA nasty names, saying that she seduced her own brother.

My father threatened me to leave Canada and to never contact her again. I refused. I sneaked out to meet G.NA at the house again and hugged her. Instead of her usual reaction, she stayed still. I broke away and cupped her face, “Don’t worry. I’ll think of something. I’m sure…”

“Doo Joon, I’m leaving.”

“Leaving? To where? I’ll go with you.”

“I’m leaving with my superior.” G.NA said coldly, “We’re going to France. Most probably, I’m going to stay there and never come back. I have told Dad and Mum, they have agreed. Besides, Jun Hyung loves me.”

“Jun Hyung? Your superior? You’re marrying him?!” I was flabbergasted.

“Not yet. We’ll settle over there and think about it. Doo Joon, go back to Korea and take care of Dad and Mum. I won’t be there for them anymore. Please?” She grabbed my shirt tightly, pleading for my answer.

(I Know) You probably got a man.
(I Know) You probably got sick of me.
(Although) Even though the tears are rushing to me.

I grabbed the things on the table and started making a mess, throwing them on the floor, “You’re breaking up with me? You love me, not him!”

Say it directly, looking at me.
Say it looking into my eyes.
Did you just say you wanted to break up?
Did you want to end it between us?

“Doo Joon,” G.NA bit her lips to prevent herself from breaking apart, “We. Never. Started. And we never will. It’s a forbidden love. A love that will never come true. Take it as a dream. You will wake up from the dream when you get back to Seoul. Let’s pretend all these never happened, Doo Joon. I’m sorry.”

(I know) You will forget me
(I know) I will really hate you
(Although) Even though you know everything

She pushed me out of the house and closed the door. I did not resist her actions because I was still in a moment of shock. I saw how she suffered because of us. I saw how she cried. I saw how she wanted us to be together but had to split because we were forbidden to be together. All these had made her sad instead of happy. Hearing her sobs through the door, I knew it was time to move on and let her be happy.

I returned to Seoul and left – again. I started a business in Canada and it went on for six years. My parents had forgiven G.NA and me. However, I had not met her for six years. I did not contact her. She married Jun Hyung and had a son. Jun Hyung and she were successful in France. All these details were told by my parents. They encouraged me to see her but I refused. My heart was not ready. I had not had a girlfriend since six years ago. G.NA was everything to me and no other girl could compare to her. Whenever she visited my parents in Seoul, I would avoid going there at the same time. She tried to contact me but all her calls went to the voicemail.

I continued staying in the same house when she came for work in Canada. Living in the house reminded me of her and our weeks together as a real couple. The bed, the mirror, the secret rooftop and everything else. One day, I was doing my work at home when someone rang the doorbell. I opened to see my mother in front of me, “Mother… What are you doing in Canada?”

I dressed up in a white shirt along with a black jacket and looked into the mirror. I checked that my hair and clothes were in place before turning to my mother who was sitting on the couch. She asked, “Are you ready? Let’s go.”

“Mother,” I called her, “Give me ten minutes. I’ll be back soon.”

With that, she gave me a pitiful expression and nodded.

I walked up to our secret rooftop and looked at the scenery. The weather was good but my heart was not. I picked up my phone to check the old messages she sent me through voicemail. I had never listened to them but today, I will.

I plucked up the courage and listened to the latest voicemail she sent me a night before.

“Doo Joon, I’m coming over to Canada to find you. I’m at the plane and about to board. It’s been six years, Doo Joon. I have a happy life right now with my husband and son.

You are my soul mate, Doo Joon. You are the most important person I’ll ever meet, because you tear down my walls and smack me awake. You shake me up and show me the obstacles and addictions, break my heart open so new light can get in and transform my life. But soul mates can never be together.

Our love was short-lived but I don’t want us to be like this forever. Doo Joon, I miss you and I love you too. Please, don’t avoid me anymore. I beg you. Goodbye.”

I had never cried. But today, it would be my first time crying.

My mother came over to Canada to tell me G.NA died in a plane crash. It was right after she sent the last voicemail to me. G.NA died because she came over to look for me. She wanted to recover our relationship which I vehemently avoided for so many years but this had to happen.

Soul mates.

 I’ll back off so you can live.
That is all I can say.
I’ll forget you so you can live better.
So that you’ll be happy without me.
The love that you tossed away, you can take it.
Don’t even leave a trace behind and take it all.
Don’t even say you’re sorry.
Don’t worry about me.

I cried my hardest and collapsed on the floor, not wanting to accept the reality, remembering the times when she backed out of my life for me to live better.