M/V Reference:

Yang Yo Seob - Caffeine

 

One by one, she folded the clothes. Placing the clothes haphazardly inside and making sure every belonging was taken away from the space. The room became emptier and lonelier as the time went by. She took a slight peek at the photos lingering on the shelves and bit her thin lips. As expected, that was the very last time she glanced her way at the memories.

 

Waiting for her at the living room, her small frame still tugged my heart a little. Standing up, I was determined. I was determined to make her stay. Pulling her suitcase and walking passed me, I stopped her. With my firm hands gripping on her weak wrists, she tried to pull away and hit me with her arms as I pulled her closer to me.

 

“You know it’s not going to last forever. You know it.” She gritted her teeth and said the words.

 

I frowned and muttered back, “No, this is not happening. You love me. I know you do. You can’t forget about me. You can’t live without me. You can’t stay away from me. You’ll come back. I know you will.”

 

She widened her eyes heartlessly and hissed back, “No, I’m never getting back with you. This relationship has ended and I’m never looking back – ever again.”

 

Feeling my anger and frustration boiling to the limit, my grip became tighter and I pushed her away with all my might. Her soft voice let out a scream as she fell back to the shelf that contained our memories. The photo frames lying beautifully on top collapsed on the floor and ended in shatters. Both of us watched the cracks of the photos on the floor – just like how we watched our relationship became a mess as well.

 

 

 

 

 

My heart raced whenever I saw her in the company. She was the most beautiful and angelic girl I had ever met. Her eyes sparkled every time she’s happy and her lips turned to a thin line whenever she’s nervous. She had never gotten angry and was approachable to everyone – including my other members who had their eyes on her among the seven girls who joined the company.

 

It’s late, I need to sleep and
I already counted all the sheep in my head
In order to fall asleep somehow,
I showered again
I keep drawing your face out
on the ceiling and when I close my eyes,
A book with the story
of our ended love opens

 

She appeared at the MV settings when we were filming for the new music video – “Beautiful”. I was decked in the blue and orange sweater and tried to remember my lines for the video. Sometimes, I would take a peek when the seven-member group was practising their dance for the video and it was as if the limelight was just on her. She was utterly most stunning member of the seven.

 

As we sat down together during the rest time, I deliberately sat in front of her so I had a good view of her. She spotted me staring at her and I coughed awkwardly. I reached out for the bottle of water and accidentally poured it on Dong Woon. She giggled at the accident and I smiled back embarrassingly at her. When the rest time was over, she waited for everyone to go off and stood in front of me. Not knowing what was going on, I simply nodded. She handed me a cup of coffee which she had held it for the whole time and never drank it.

 

Ensuring the coffee stayed in my hands, she cupped both her hands around mine. She whispered as she stared right into my eyes, “Yo Seob, fighting for your filming. I’ll be supporting you from the side. Have strength.”

 

We stood there for a really long time – five seconds or five minutes, I don’t know. I simply admired her soft hands on mine. I did not know whether the warmth of my hands came from her hands or the coffee but I could tell my heart was warm because of her gesture.

 

“Thank you…” I needed so much courage to just say her name, “Na Eun.”

 

Ignorant about love and relationships, I did not know how to respond to her kind heart. Maybe it was just her being nice to a senior or she treated every guy like that.  I had never tried to capture her heart. Why would someone so flawless like her have an interest in me?

 

Right, it was just my own one-sided love.

 

Sometimes, I spotted her looking at my way or smiling at me but she could be just looking at someone else or staring into space. In everyone’s eyes, I was the kid-like member who everyone treated like a little brother. Why would a matured-looking and sensible girl like me?

 

There was no way.

 

Call me observant but there was always someone who tried courting her. And the very next person was someone I would expect.

 

“Na Eun, would you like to head out for a dinner?”

 

I saw her surprised from his brave act. She twirled her hair nervously, obviously nervous and hesitating about the gesture. She bit her lips and blinked her eyes repeatedly, “Jun Hyung, me?”

 

“Yes, you. Do you see any other pretty girl around here?” He smirked and bent down to her level and gave his most sincere smile ever.

 

That was something I could never do. Flirting, courting a girl, asking a girl out for a simple dinner… Heck, I could not even look straight into her eyes.

 

The last thing I ever remembered was… Na Eun nodding her head and saying yes.

 

Since then, both of them became a well-known couple in the company.

 

 

 

 

 

“Yo Seob…”

When was the last time we were alone together?

 

I think it was already a year ago.

 

Suddenly, she appeared in front of my doorstep with her swollen eyes and fragile looking self. She held on tissue and sniffing in front of me. Ever since she got together with Jun Hyung, I could not remember how my heart would flutter every time she looked at me.

 

“Na Eun, what happened?”

 

“We… fought…”

 

A lovers’ tiff? Ah, okay but what was she doing here at my house?

 

Seemingly knowing my mind, she answered, “My members… They will kill Jun Hyung if I tell them. I need someone to talk to. I can’t find anyone else except for you. I’ll go crazy if I keep everything to myself.”

 

My heart started to warm up because of her words. She thought of me first – after her members. I brewed some of my favourite brand of coffee and offered it to her. She held onto my favourite cup and drank the caffeine. We sat down for a long time even though she did not elaborate much on her quarrel. Slowly, I felt the space between us getting closer. Gradually, her head was tilting towards my side and she laid her head on my chest.

 

I snuggled up to her and patted her head. She started talking out of nowhere, “I don’t know why… But I feel very safe with you. You make me comfortable. You make me feel at ease. No one is able to do that.”

 

“I’m glad.” I replied simply and her hair tenderly. I knew I should not do that to my friend’s girlfriend but I could not control my movements. Her hair smelt so fragrant like a mix of perfume and lavender. I closed my eyes and took a small whiff at her hair. It seemed so natural as I placed my lips softly on the crown of her hair.

 

She felt my actions and jerked up. I looked down to avoid her eyes, feeling guilty of my own actions, “I’m sorry, Na Eun. I know I shouldn’t do this. You have Jun Hyung. I’m sorry. I took it too far…”

 

Unexpectedly, she grabbed my hands and my face, “No, Yo Seob. Don’t be. Please… I… Just do whatever you want to do.”

 

“Na Eun…”

 

“Please… Yo Seob… Just today…”

 

I thought this puppy love of mine had disappeared but no, it was just buried deep inside my heart. I had never known her words would impact me so deeply. Without much thought, I leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on her forehead, unsure of what to do anymore. I was just following my heart, ignoring the sensible side of me.

 

Suddenly, Na Eun cupped her hands around my face and landed her soft lips onto mine. My eyes widened in shock but she did not move away. Instead, she came closer when I did not react.

 

Screw sanity.

 

Screw sensibility.

 

Screw everything.

 

I decided to just follow her lead from now.

 

 

 

 

 

When I thought things would just be awkward around us, the opposite happened. Na Eun and I became friendlier with each other, texting and calling each other frequently. Sometimes, she would just hang out around my place late at night since Jun Hyung always spent his time composing songs in his alone time. He had never allowed her to interfere and spend time with him when he was busy with songs.

 

They were still a couple and everyone was aware – including me. However, I did not care. I just wanted her around me regardless of whether she was attached to Jun Hyung or not. I liked her having by side and I knew she liked it as well. Somehow, I felt like she felt happier with me than Jun Hyung. She had never been as open or carefree around Jun Hyung.

 

Sometimes, I felt like Na Eun was doing shift work. In the day, her times were spent with Jun Hyung while she spent time with me at night. I was going to say we were just friends spending time with each other but no. We did everything a couple would do. We held hands, hugged, kissed and cuddled each other to sleep just like lovers would do.

 

None of us minded that fact. In fact, it was as if our bodies reacted very well together. Our souls pieced together perfectly. Na Eun was happy and so was I. I told myself this would end and everything would end one day but as days passed, I felt myself more and more unwilling to let go of whatever we had together.

 

Letting go was a natural thing to do.

 

But letting go became a torture.

 

 “Yo Seob…”

 

One day, I could felt Na Eun wavered and her mind was not right with me. I held her tightly on the bed and asked, “Yes?”

 

“Jun Hyung is taking me to visit his parents next week.”

 

I could feel my heart dropping but I answered nonchalantly, “Okay.”

 

“I think…”

 

“Go. I don’t mind.” I interrupted her.

 

“But I do.”

 

I sat up and she did the same thing as well, “What do you mean? Are you ending things with me?”

 

“We said this before, Yo Seob. We can’t continue this forever. I’m happy with you, Yo Seob. I am. But… Jun Hyung is the one for me.” Na Eun whispered and looked away.

 

I became more frustrated, “In the end, I’m just a replacement.”

 

“Don’t ever say that! You’re everything to me but… Jun Hyung’s my boyfriend. I’m serious with him and you know it. You know that everything between us is…” She stopped there.

 

“Everything between us is fake?” I coughed out.

 

Each time I breathe, I miss you
When I think that we’re living
under the same sky, I go crazier
Though I’m like this, I can’t let you go
I see that couple fighting outside my window
They look like us in the past and tears well up
Look, don’t do that and just hug her
Look at me, how do I look right now?

 

“No! That’s not what I mean.”

 

I pushed her down the bed and hovered on top of her, “No one is taking you away from me. No one. Do you understand?! NO ONE!”

 

I locked her hands down with my hands and pushed her down. I could see her eyes widened in surprise but there was nothing to stop me from what I needed to do. I went down and give her kisses over her face and neck. She was struggling underneath me. I did not care about her screams and struggles. All I wanted to do was to make her know that she was mine and she was not going anywhere.

 

SHE’S MINE.

 

And she would know it today. Tonight.

 

“STOP! STOP! YO SEOB! STOP! YOU’RE A MONSTER!”

 

Her last words made me stop and ponder. Suddenly, my anger vanished and it was replaced with guilt. I felt her tears on my lips and my hands loosened the grip on her. I saw her wrists being wounded by my nails and grip. She pushed me away from the bed and starting sobbing. She sniffed, “What happened to you, Yo Seob? You weren’t like this before. I think we need some time apart.”

 

I did not stop her from leaving.

 

She needed to leave as soon as possible or the monster in me might emerge and take over my mind.

 

Even after you left, you torture me like this
How did I become this miserable?
What did I do wrong?
Why did we even break up? I don’t know

 

What have I done?

 

I had become a person that I swore myself I would not become.

 

A ert. A psychotic mad man. An over-possessive person.

 

Who would have thought Yang Yo Seob would go to such lengths to make a girl his?

 

 

 

 

 

I felt a slap across my face which made me came back to reality.

 

She was already standing in front of me with her suitcase beside her. The photo frames were shattered and the pictures were no longer a sweet memory. I knew this was going to happen. She was going to leave and go back to the person she rightfully belonged.

 

I waited for her to speak but nothing.

 

After the tight slap, she walked away with her suitcase and slammed the door behind her.

 

Na Eun was gone.

 

I was alone – again.

 

Can’t you give me a chance to hold onto you?
Our relationship wasn’t something
that could end so easily
Or am I mistaken?
Why did we even break up? I don’t know

 

For days, I witnessed the girl I loved cuddling to her lover as if nothing had happened between us. She no longer stole glances at me. She no longer text or call me in the middle of the night. Everything was over. No, it was everything had never happened.

 

I stayed in my room every night but unable to sleep. Drowning myself in so many cups of coffee, brewing one pot after another and never stopping this addiction of mine seemed impossible. People would immerse themselves in alcohol when they’re out of love but here I am, at home, and the aromatic smell of coffee.

 

Cause you’re like caffeine,
I can’t fall asleep all night
My heart keeps racing and again,
I hate you
Like caffeine, I try to stay away
I try to forget about you but I can’t do it,
I can’t help it

 

I did not know whether it was the coffee that made me sleepless at night or whether it’s just because Na Eun was not here anymore. Did it matter? The insomnia never went away. The sufferings lingered around with all the memories of her mocking at me and my pathetic state.

 

Who am I supposed to blame?

 

I gave my heart away to her. She returned it to me but my heart had accustomed to her side and having it back to me felt like putting an unfit puzzle piece into a jigsaw.

 

I made a fire at the balcony, staring at it mindlessly with all her other belongings she never bothered to pack it with her. I threw the things one by one into the fire. Her clothes, pictures and gifts were slipping away from my hands and fading into the fire.

 

From the very beginning, I was never in the picture.

 

I was always at the side, being the third party who is prepared to be the one that love the most and get hurt the worst.

-

 

 

Author's Note:

Yo Seob being the third party... Not something you encounter every day hahahaha.