http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f8lSrmZLrZg

 

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Cold midnight breeze flowed through my hair strongly tilting me back as I stood on the rooftop of my building gazing up at the beautiful night sky.

Stars everywhere, shining brightly blinking strongly down at me.

I want to be strong too. My heart, my mind, my soul. I want to be strong.

 

How could I do that? How can I?

Every shooting star I spot, I let it pass by without a wish to grant. How much I wish for things to be like how it used to be, it will never change. Nothing will change. Nothing.

 

I’m not up here to kill myself, I’m not that stupid to end this useless life of mine.

I have thought about it, countless times, everyday of every second. The minute I wake up, I feel regret consume me all over again.

 

How could someone that has so much regret in this world heal? How could my heart settle?

I thought of a life so so much different from mine. So much different.

 

How I could sing like him, how I could be as cheerful as him but I’m not him.

He always reminded me that I’m perfect the way I am. Beautiful the way I am. Is he kidding with me or was he serious?

 

Who am I lying here, of cause he was serious, he loved me.

 

I remember those days where we would do everything together, everything I wanted to do, everything I wanted to eat he would give me. He gave my everything.

 

And I just….let him slip out of my fingers, I let him go, I was stupid. This feeling deep inside of me is killing me slowly. Slowly burying me in the pits of my hollow shattered heart.

 

Suho oppa…what could I do to get you back?

 

 

My head hung low as tears rolled down my cold cheeks with the wind drying the trails away. Tears continuously fell. I don’t have to hide it, I don’t have to be scared that someone would see me looking so pathetic.

I don’t cry when people are around me. I don’t like people seeing me cry, I don’t want them to feel like they had to pity me.

So I cry up here, with the stars looking down at me blinking with my every painful sob trying to comfort me.

 

“I’m sorry oppa…I’m so sorry…I’m sorry…” My heart broke at the though of him, how could I not? He hates me now…he hates me.

 

 

--

 

"Saerim ah!" A voice broke me out of my trail of thoughts. I spun around and smiled at the girl that skidded to a stop in front of me beaming brightly in her floral dress and coat jacket.

"What is it Minki?" She shook her head and gave a small chuckle. "Nothing, I just thought that you would want to get ice-cream with me?"

"Ice-cream? Right now? I was about-" I stopped as she gave me her signature pouty face. I sighed and pinched her cheek. "Fine little baby. I guess sticking with you for a little while won't hurt. I just have to text Suho to push our date a bit later than." Minki giggled, nodding entusiastically.

 

I took out my phone and texted but the impatient little kid here can’t wait any longer.

"Come on! I want ice-cream now!" She tugged on my arm. "Minki, relax. It’s not going to run away you know."

She rolled her eyes and gave me a look. "Now Saerim c'mon!"

"Fine fine." I was literally dragged off. I felt my phone vibrate.

"Oh! Suho oppa is following!" I told her as I read the text again. Minki looked up. "Really?"

"Yeah, he said that he has to be there because you'll eat the whole ice-cream store whole." I shrugged taking a peek at her reaction suppressing my laughter stuffing my phone back into my bag.

"That little punk, I'll beat him alive!" She punched her fist on her palm and twists her neck.

They can't be around each other without having to fight. It's funny and I love them both to bits.

"Come on tough girl.” I dragged her to her destination of sweetness.

 

An hour later all three of us sat on a table in the ice-cream store chatting with each other while eating our own flavored ice-cream. The two of them kept bickering and I just sat there laughing at how they argued on which ice-cream was the best.

Other then me, Suho oppa opens up to Minki the most. He would talk non stop and would comment about everything just to annoy her.

How much I don't want to admit it but I do get jealous. But my love for the both of them just wouldn't let me hate them.

I can see right through their eyes, I can see through them.

 

"Saerim, you agree with me right?" Minki and Suho looked at me waiting for me to answer. "What?" I blinked genuinely clueless. Suho sighed and repeated his question.

"This babo here said that cookie dough is the best but I said phish food is the ultimate best of the best. You agree with me right? You have too you’re my girlfriend!" Suho waved his cup at me urging me to choose his choice.

Chuckling, I decided to play along and hold up my own ice-cream. "Cherry berry is for me. Sorry guys." I shrugged and scooped myself a bite.

They scowled. "Traitor." They said in unison and bickered again.

 

I set down my spoon and watched the both of them with affection. I love them both, I kept saying that as you noticed and I care for them so much that sometimes I wondered why I was the way I was back then.

I was really a bad person, I didn’t care about anything. Suho, he’s just a really great guy. He changed me for the better.

 

A few weeks passed and I took notice of their closeness. It bothered me but it’s not enough to make me confront them.

Today, Suho is coming over for a movie marathon with me at my house. He's not here yet so I prepared the snacks in the kitchen.

I didn't get a wink of sleep last night, it's hard from all the questions in my head.

Arms wrapped around my waist lightly swaying me from side to side. His breath tickled my ear as he spoke.

"Hey babe." I turned my head towards him and smiled. "Hey. Can you get the cups for me and bring it out? I'll get the rest."

"Sure babe." He released me and did what he was told.

I stood in the kitchen starring at the bowl full of popcorn in my hands with a heavy heart and I could feel my throat heating up. Coughing it away and inhaled a quick breath, I brought the snacks out to the living room where he was flipping the CD album picking a movie to watch.

"Saerim, want to watch an animation movie or a horror movie? I feel more of an animation today and I know you don’t like horror so.." He looked up at me with a smile. "..Animation? What do you think?” Picking up the two movies. Puss In Boots and Up, he showed them to me.

I felt my throat heat up again and eyes burning. I looked away and nodded while putting the snacks off the tray and on the table.

"Animation is fine, anything you want." I tried hard to make my voice sound cheerful. We ended up watching Puss in Boots with me lying on his chest with his arms around me and his head right beside mine as we laughed at the scenes.

I looked down at his arms that's comfortably resting on my waist and this time, I couldn't stop my tears from escaping. I smoothed my hands on his arms and held it tightly on my body wanting to feel every muscle, every pulse beating through it. Feeling his heart beating on my back and his addictive laughter near my ear. My heart was breaking.

He didn't seem to notice and I was glad he didn't. I didn't want him to find me crying when we were just watching Puss in Boots. I in all my emotion and wiped all my fallen tears as the movie is coming to an end.

"I can watch this a million times and would still find it funny!" He laughed munching on some popcorn. “So, Pirates of the Caribbean next? I love that movie.”

"Oppa.." I whispered. He turned to me still chuckling a little. "What is it babe? Want to watch something else? Whatever you want, go choose."

I breathed in and pushed myself off him. "Do you like me?" I quickly blurted out. Suho laughing stopped. His eyebrows furrowed in amusement. "What? Of cause, what kind of question is that?"

"Really? With all your heart?" I looked in his eyes with my own red and puffy. His eyes filled with worry instantly. "Hey.." He took my shoulders and turned me to him fully. "What's wrong? Why are you crying?"

"I'm not crying." I fake a smile rubbing my eyes lightly.

"Really then why are your eyes so red? And don't tell me dust got in them." I self consciously wiped my eyes and sighed.

"Suho...I'm sorry." My voice was barely a whisper but I knew he heard me.

Pealing his hands off my shoulders, I held it tightly with mine. "I'm sorry about what I'm about to do." I tearfully looked up to him with a smile. "I'm sorry that your heart is not with me anymore Suho. I love you enough to notice these things."

"What are you talking about? I love only you." His voice shook. "What's going on, why are you doing this? And after watching Puss and Boots too!"

"Suho ah...I love you with all my heart but..how you look at Minki-"

He shook his head holding up his hands stopping me. "Wait wait….Minki? How do I look at her? What?" He pulled away and brushed his hair back with his hand. "Are you breaking up with me because you're jealous? Why do you even have that thought in your head that I like Minki?"

"It's your eyes Suho." Tears endlessly flowed down my cheeks now and there’s no way of me to stop it. "Your eyes gave away everything. Even if you deny it."

"Because I don't like Minki that way Saerim ah." He frustratedly tried to convince me.

"No, you don't like her that way because you love her!" My voice rose slightly.

Suho's face redden with anger. He shot up from his seat and glared down at me.

"If you want to break up with me then fine but don't pull Minki in this! She's your best friend for goodness sake!"

"That's exactly why I'm doing this!" I shot at him. Suho just shook his head and walked to the door. I ran past him and blocked him from the door. "Don't run away from this!"

"I'm not running away from this! I'm getting away from you!" He shot at my face making me flinch back a step, I’ve never seen him this angry in my life. He sighed and brushed back his hair in frustration.

"You know what Saerim? You are crazy to think that I love your best friend. Whoever placed that thought into your naïve mind is a genius cause it really worked on you." He gave out a sarcastic laugh. "Seriously Saerim, this is the level of your trust in me? Me? Love your best friend?" He snorted. "The real question here is Do you love me?"

"I do love you!" I shouted feeling sick to my stomach, I could see my world crumble right in front of me and I was the cause of it.

"By pushing me away!? That is how you show your love towards me!?”

“I’m not pushing you away! Oppa! Listen to me!” I struggled to grab his attention but he kept looking away from me. “I’m not pushing you away!” I grabbed for his hand but he roughly pulled it away.

“No! Don’t touch me!” He stepped back a few steps away from me glaring down at me with those eyes that was always so gentle and loving. But now it was full of hatred and betrayal stabbing me in the heart with very glare.

“All I ever think of and love was you Lee Saerim, only you.” He narrowed his eyes scrutinizing me. “I thought you loved me the same way but I guess I was wrong. Me and Minki? Are you joking with me right now?”

“Oppa-“ “No! Just get out of my way." Suho pulled my arm dragging me away from the door effortlessly. I tried to pry him off but he was too strong. “You want me out? I’m out and don’t you dare put this stupid line of ‘You love him’ crap on Minki. She did and felt nothing but a brother and sister relationship with me and you know it!”

 

Was I wrong?

Was everything just me? Was my jealousy just blinded me? I just wanted to do the right thing.

My eyes burned by hot tears that's endlessly fell from my eyes as I watched him walk out of the door.

"Oppa...." I managed to choke out but he continued to walk away. ".. Comeback.."

My legs gave out and I collapsed on the floor body shaking, hands trembling, I cried.

"What have I done?"

 

I tried, tried hard to get him back but how much I apologized, he still wouldn't look at me.

Who would forgive someone for wanting to break up with them thinking that they loved someone else? I sure would never forgive them.

 

I was wrong, what I thought I knew I was wrong.

How could I think that way?

How could I have thought that Suho loved Minki?

Why did I even think that?

 

Minki won't talk to me for awhile because of the betrayal she felt towards me but she accepted my apology. She told me that everyone makes mistakes and she could see how pitiful I have been looking for the past months.

Suho oppa, never came back, he shut me out of his life permanently while he still looked after Minki like a good older brother he is.

That was all, he was a big brother figure to her and a little sister to him.

I made a mistake, an irreversible mistake and I will regret this for the rest of my life.

 

Minki told me that he still cares for me and sometimes -very rarely- ask how I was doing. I'm glad, at least he still thought of me and she told me that he might still love me even though how hard he tries to hide it.

Maybe one day he'll forgive me, maybe one day he'll come to my doorstep and smile at me that smile that always brightens my days.

 

-

 

Forcing myself to stop crying, I looked up at the night sky again letting the wind dry my fallen tears.

Suho...oppa… 

“I’m sorry…I was wrong. I will try to forget you but…for as long as I live, for as long as the both of us still breathe. I am going to wait for you.” A solemn smile crept up remembering the beautiful smile he has. “I’m going to wait, months, years. I’m going to wait.”

Wiping the tears, I gave one last deep breath in before walking out from the roof bringing an everyday smile that I show to the people around me for them to not be worried.

This is how I live everyday now, I’m not happy but I’m not totally sad either.

One day, everything is going to be better.

One day, I know that he’ll come back to make my world bright again.